whatevs
Mining for copium in the weirdest places.
- Jan 15, 2022
- 2,913
I'm genuinely at a loss to understand why people enjoy life so much. I understand they have connections with each other and don't think the world is ruled by diabolical, cunning psychopaths (and thus is hopelessly rotten), or that they sleep well or feel pleasure with ejaculation unlike me (comparing myself to males because of my gender), but... It's just so alien to me.
All the time I have this feeling gripping the back of my head, telling me that whatever the fuck I am doing with my life, it is absolutely meaningless and futile, that the things I actually need I absolutely don't have and perhaps even can't have. Why am I programming 8 or more hours a day, trying to get into a start up? Is my life worth it? Will I ever feel that my existence isn't hell, a waking nightmare?
Everywhere I go, the human condition follows me, like a subtle stench that eventually drives you crazy and will never go away, being myself part of it. Two of us got into the start-up and we felt pitted against each other from day one. The struggle against others, as can be seen in all animals, that we are all forced to partake in. Losers, winners, eater, eaten.
I feel like I am getting deeper into my subconscious, and as I imagined there is all sorts of ugly in there. There are things hidden in the shadows that making visible might prove too painful. As I tread deeper into my psyche, genuine hatred and evil has appeared, bundled with tear, loneliness and pain. You don't understand. There is evil there, I am not dramatizing. At the core of a narcissist there is a kernel of hatred, contempt and fear that is hard to convey.
It's so tiring, being this person. I'm not even saying that I would want to be someone else, I'm just fed up with the themes this character loops incessantly. I don't like life nor I like myself. Why did I have to be like this? Other people loop better themes, have less abrasive scripts to run. They're fucked too, don't get me wrong, all life is brimming with misery, but some of us seem especially burdened, with a feeble mind or a morbid disposition. I don't know. Fuck this place. I'm that guy that seems restrained and polite but is actually at the brink of insanity.
All the time I have this feeling gripping the back of my head, telling me that whatever the fuck I am doing with my life, it is absolutely meaningless and futile, that the things I actually need I absolutely don't have and perhaps even can't have. Why am I programming 8 or more hours a day, trying to get into a start up? Is my life worth it? Will I ever feel that my existence isn't hell, a waking nightmare?
Everywhere I go, the human condition follows me, like a subtle stench that eventually drives you crazy and will never go away, being myself part of it. Two of us got into the start-up and we felt pitted against each other from day one. The struggle against others, as can be seen in all animals, that we are all forced to partake in. Losers, winners, eater, eaten.
I feel like I am getting deeper into my subconscious, and as I imagined there is all sorts of ugly in there. There are things hidden in the shadows that making visible might prove too painful. As I tread deeper into my psyche, genuine hatred and evil has appeared, bundled with tear, loneliness and pain. You don't understand. There is evil there, I am not dramatizing. At the core of a narcissist there is a kernel of hatred, contempt and fear that is hard to convey.
It's so tiring, being this person. I'm not even saying that I would want to be someone else, I'm just fed up with the themes this character loops incessantly. I don't like life nor I like myself. Why did I have to be like this? Other people loop better themes, have less abrasive scripts to run. They're fucked too, don't get me wrong, all life is brimming with misery, but some of us seem especially burdened, with a feeble mind or a morbid disposition. I don't know. Fuck this place. I'm that guy that seems restrained and polite but is actually at the brink of insanity.
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