carnivalforone
Experienced
- Sep 29, 2023
- 244
I recently turned 19 and I'm being hit by so many thoughts at once.
I was going through the motions for about a year not really aware of what i was doing but i recently kinda woke up and started just thinking, im getting paid a shit wage but im living alone so i don't have much choice either to work and have shelter or not. i feel let down, i barely have time for a social setting so i can't meet any significant other, i have insomnia my eyes feel like bricks and it's like a constant feeling of not enough water to keep them from drying out. i cant even cry, i feel like a zombie, i tried applying to a term at a university, bite the bullet and just racking up debt and hopefully with a bachelor's in surgery i can repay 4 years of debt back but applying for scholarships was so hard and the deadline is in 2 days and i need a referral from a teacher and none of them are responding cuz im a fuck up and im so late to starting it that its thanksgiving break and no one will sign the endorsement, and im fucking pathetic and im alone and i lost all my friends when i was still with my abusive parents and they forced me to move and now im alone and my only friends work literally 24/7 and i don't wanna bother them and i have nothing or anyone and im crying as i write this cuz im a weak fucking man. i give up. im gonna starve myself i dont deserve food im gonna try and get a hikki job and just stay inside, as long as i can pay the floor ill be hanging in there i guess. couldn't god have given me any redeeming quality, why was i given shitty parents with no guidance or care, why was i made ugly to the standards of today's world, why was i forced to have to live on my own , my dreams and any achievable goals reduced to nothing. why couldn't i be smart, or funny, or driven, or able to fucking sleep? why was i born. i want to die but to top it off im a coward. i apply for jobs and jobs and jobs anything to get me out of the abusive hellhole im in right now but nothing. i would be starting uni in 4 months and then its pure debt for 4 years, god i just don't see how any of this could ever work out. fuck my parents for not doing anything for me. wtf was the point. have me to satisfy your own sense of purpose but not guide me towards the right path. chose to have me but made life at home so unbearable i was forced to move out at 17 and start paying for a fucking trailer home just so i could live. it feels good to get it out. i wish i wasn't so pathetic that i had to write it out here, i wish i could talk to someone irl and then i wouldn't have to bore all of you. i used to have a therapist but she left me and even if i wanted to try that again im not exactly in the financials to do that. jeez look at me fucking talk to myself on here. pathetic. i just wish i could get taken out by a stray bullet or just sleep forever already.
I was going through the motions for about a year not really aware of what i was doing but i recently kinda woke up and started just thinking, im getting paid a shit wage but im living alone so i don't have much choice either to work and have shelter or not. i feel let down, i barely have time for a social setting so i can't meet any significant other, i have insomnia my eyes feel like bricks and it's like a constant feeling of not enough water to keep them from drying out. i cant even cry, i feel like a zombie, i tried applying to a term at a university, bite the bullet and just racking up debt and hopefully with a bachelor's in surgery i can repay 4 years of debt back but applying for scholarships was so hard and the deadline is in 2 days and i need a referral from a teacher and none of them are responding cuz im a fuck up and im so late to starting it that its thanksgiving break and no one will sign the endorsement, and im fucking pathetic and im alone and i lost all my friends when i was still with my abusive parents and they forced me to move and now im alone and my only friends work literally 24/7 and i don't wanna bother them and i have nothing or anyone and im crying as i write this cuz im a weak fucking man. i give up. im gonna starve myself i dont deserve food im gonna try and get a hikki job and just stay inside, as long as i can pay the floor ill be hanging in there i guess. couldn't god have given me any redeeming quality, why was i given shitty parents with no guidance or care, why was i made ugly to the standards of today's world, why was i forced to have to live on my own , my dreams and any achievable goals reduced to nothing. why couldn't i be smart, or funny, or driven, or able to fucking sleep? why was i born. i want to die but to top it off im a coward. i apply for jobs and jobs and jobs anything to get me out of the abusive hellhole im in right now but nothing. i would be starting uni in 4 months and then its pure debt for 4 years, god i just don't see how any of this could ever work out. fuck my parents for not doing anything for me. wtf was the point. have me to satisfy your own sense of purpose but not guide me towards the right path. chose to have me but made life at home so unbearable i was forced to move out at 17 and start paying for a fucking trailer home just so i could live. it feels good to get it out. i wish i wasn't so pathetic that i had to write it out here, i wish i could talk to someone irl and then i wouldn't have to bore all of you. i used to have a therapist but she left me and even if i wanted to try that again im not exactly in the financials to do that. jeez look at me fucking talk to myself on here. pathetic. i just wish i could get taken out by a stray bullet or just sleep forever already.
