Braindead Atheist
Specialist
- Oct 7, 2020
- 387
Don't give life another chance for other people. They would throw you away once they get tired of hearing of your misery. They can't take 10% so why should you take 90?! People say suicide is selfish, but I don't think that's always necessarily true. I think of it as a compromise. I think in my own case, I tried to push and stay through the suffering and make life work. And I tried for about a decade of wishing it were over. I understand that people will be sad, distraught and disappointed, but that's how I've felt for a little over a decade off and on. I spent most of my childhood getting drugged and mistreated in psychwards, and the only happy times were when I spent time with the resource teacher at the catholic elementary school and when I got academic support at the public school over the hill. The principal and my teacher at the public school were some of my favorite people.
But everything changed in 6th grade when the principal and nun bullied me at the catholic school. I would have trouble processing info in class, my working memory, attention ability to retain info and auditory processing were all awful and still are. I felt like crying and getting mad, so I drew in class, but that wasn't allowed so they called the principal. She'd put her face up to mine and scream at me until I cried and then smirk. One day she too my picture when I was mad and she also banned me from a school trip. The nun screamed at me and I thought she was going to punch me. All because I argued with my para about taking a longer break. I also watched them bully my favorite resource teacher; we'll call her Mrs.B. They made her cry and she had to go home early.
I gave life a second chance to try to overcome the trauma and I got sent to an abusive mental facility. At this place, they literally made us ASK to MOVE OUR LIMBS and they'd give us rags to wear and scream at us. Then I got sent somewhere nicer and after that I started at alternative middle school and was bullied there, meanwhile my meds interacted and made me throw up every night. Then I gave life yet another undeserved chance, my ambition driving me. I was in a new church, and school and felt I had no one to talk to. My only friend outside of school had an intellectual disability worse than mine and my only friend in school was an intellectually gifted blind girl who I had little in common with. I told her I felt alone and wanted to ctb and she talked with her parents about it and they told her to stop being friends with me, I later got a note from her saying I was a bitter memory. I gave life yet another chance and got sick for the entire summer between jr. and senior year and almost suffocated due to the medicine settling in my chest. I couldn't breathe in or out and I was completely stuck. After a few minutes, the center of my vision went white, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I decided to fight and give life another chance because I saw the look on my mom's face right before my vision went out. I came out of that and almost fainted, I got better a month later (I was sick for over 3 months).
After I gave life that chance, I had excruciating back pain my entire senior year and had to be on a strict diet due to thyroid issues. I didn't get to enjoy my senior gymnastics season as much as I wanted to, but it was still the best thing that happened to me in years. After I graduated my uncle and friend from elementary school died and fashion school wasn't for me. Then I started feeling physically uncomfortable, my organs felt bloated, my insides felt itchy, and I couldn't sh** and I felt like I had a UTI constantly. I was over emotional and very uncomfortable. I confided in my best friend that I wanted it to be over and she stopped being my friend because I was "too negative". At that point I decided that I was done and tried CO poisoning. I left the car on all night and failed.
Then I tried again a few months after the pandemic hit, it was about May 2020 by this point. I failed and decided to give life another chance and went out of my way to find schooling that was right for me(no math required) and meanwhile got bullied endlessly at my chipotle job for being slow and having issues with memory. Then I worked at target but they fired me from fulfillment because I was to slow and I marked to many things unfound. I had all while still having the discomfort, but this time I missed 4 cycles and I knew I wasn't pregnant. I found out I had PCOS a few months later. I started treatment for that, but the discomfort stayed for an additional 6 or so months. Meanwhile, another friend threw my friendship away for being 15 minutes late. That day I felt like I had a UTI and I was nauseous.
And about a month later, I was so uncomfortable that I was jamming a chair into myself, crying and throwing things. My parents called the police, and they actually arrested me for property destruction, and I hit my dad for calling them. I had a panic attack at the jail and then after they released me. I was basically forced to give life another chance or I'd go to a state psych ward. I got a job that April working with special needs and got fired after a week just for not catching on fast enough and I was bullied and fired at the next job I took. Now I'm in a workforce program for the retarded and found out there's no way to persue art/design as a career without a bachelors or years of industry experience.
Want to know something ironic? Art is what got me bullied by the principal and nun and led to all this crap. So the thing that I loved ruined everything. The thing that I use to cope is the trigger itself...I get to think of that every day. I have a good group of friends now that I don't want to leave, so life gets one more chance that I know it will screw up. Workforce is paying for me to be an EKG tech, which is way to complicated, but I'm doing it because they're paying for it and I want to make others happy. I have some very special teachers who cared about me a lot when I was in school. I miss them and try to get together with them, but they're usually busy. I don't think I'm going to get to say goodbye. I wanted to stay for them, because regardless I know they'll be distraught, but life doesn't want me to see them anyways, so it matters a lot less that I'm doing this.
This one lady, who was principal at the public elementary I attended is retiring and I think she's suspicious of me, because I emailed her asking for the art back to destroy. I explained the mean principal to her and what happened in middle school. She called my mom and said she was worried about me. I will clear things up with her here at the end of April at the school's carnival (if the universe doesn't screw that up too). and I will say goodbye to her there. I doubt she'd want to stay in touch because I'm super hyper and loud. So it won't hurt her that much, maybe same for my other teachers. As for now, I'm going to find a job temporarily, and first go on a luxury cruise or vacation(thats the minimum I need to balance this crap shoot out). But life will always screw me over again and I can't handle anymore disappointment or abuse. So when things fall through again, I'll CTB because why give my enemy (life) my ammunition? I have everything set up and will CTB after this chance blows up in my face. I take Olanzapine and have instructions on how to ctb with SN and a source to get SN at. So to compensate for being realities personal chew toy, I'm going to do something with excessive entertainment and pleasure and then ditch reality. I know there's no afterlife, so I'll just be dead. I'm standing up to my bully! (life/reality).
But everything changed in 6th grade when the principal and nun bullied me at the catholic school. I would have trouble processing info in class, my working memory, attention ability to retain info and auditory processing were all awful and still are. I felt like crying and getting mad, so I drew in class, but that wasn't allowed so they called the principal. She'd put her face up to mine and scream at me until I cried and then smirk. One day she too my picture when I was mad and she also banned me from a school trip. The nun screamed at me and I thought she was going to punch me. All because I argued with my para about taking a longer break. I also watched them bully my favorite resource teacher; we'll call her Mrs.B. They made her cry and she had to go home early.
I gave life a second chance to try to overcome the trauma and I got sent to an abusive mental facility. At this place, they literally made us ASK to MOVE OUR LIMBS and they'd give us rags to wear and scream at us. Then I got sent somewhere nicer and after that I started at alternative middle school and was bullied there, meanwhile my meds interacted and made me throw up every night. Then I gave life yet another undeserved chance, my ambition driving me. I was in a new church, and school and felt I had no one to talk to. My only friend outside of school had an intellectual disability worse than mine and my only friend in school was an intellectually gifted blind girl who I had little in common with. I told her I felt alone and wanted to ctb and she talked with her parents about it and they told her to stop being friends with me, I later got a note from her saying I was a bitter memory. I gave life yet another chance and got sick for the entire summer between jr. and senior year and almost suffocated due to the medicine settling in my chest. I couldn't breathe in or out and I was completely stuck. After a few minutes, the center of my vision went white, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I decided to fight and give life another chance because I saw the look on my mom's face right before my vision went out. I came out of that and almost fainted, I got better a month later (I was sick for over 3 months).
After I gave life that chance, I had excruciating back pain my entire senior year and had to be on a strict diet due to thyroid issues. I didn't get to enjoy my senior gymnastics season as much as I wanted to, but it was still the best thing that happened to me in years. After I graduated my uncle and friend from elementary school died and fashion school wasn't for me. Then I started feeling physically uncomfortable, my organs felt bloated, my insides felt itchy, and I couldn't sh** and I felt like I had a UTI constantly. I was over emotional and very uncomfortable. I confided in my best friend that I wanted it to be over and she stopped being my friend because I was "too negative". At that point I decided that I was done and tried CO poisoning. I left the car on all night and failed.
Then I tried again a few months after the pandemic hit, it was about May 2020 by this point. I failed and decided to give life another chance and went out of my way to find schooling that was right for me(no math required) and meanwhile got bullied endlessly at my chipotle job for being slow and having issues with memory. Then I worked at target but they fired me from fulfillment because I was to slow and I marked to many things unfound. I had all while still having the discomfort, but this time I missed 4 cycles and I knew I wasn't pregnant. I found out I had PCOS a few months later. I started treatment for that, but the discomfort stayed for an additional 6 or so months. Meanwhile, another friend threw my friendship away for being 15 minutes late. That day I felt like I had a UTI and I was nauseous.
And about a month later, I was so uncomfortable that I was jamming a chair into myself, crying and throwing things. My parents called the police, and they actually arrested me for property destruction, and I hit my dad for calling them. I had a panic attack at the jail and then after they released me. I was basically forced to give life another chance or I'd go to a state psych ward. I got a job that April working with special needs and got fired after a week just for not catching on fast enough and I was bullied and fired at the next job I took. Now I'm in a workforce program for the retarded and found out there's no way to persue art/design as a career without a bachelors or years of industry experience.
Want to know something ironic? Art is what got me bullied by the principal and nun and led to all this crap. So the thing that I loved ruined everything. The thing that I use to cope is the trigger itself...I get to think of that every day. I have a good group of friends now that I don't want to leave, so life gets one more chance that I know it will screw up. Workforce is paying for me to be an EKG tech, which is way to complicated, but I'm doing it because they're paying for it and I want to make others happy. I have some very special teachers who cared about me a lot when I was in school. I miss them and try to get together with them, but they're usually busy. I don't think I'm going to get to say goodbye. I wanted to stay for them, because regardless I know they'll be distraught, but life doesn't want me to see them anyways, so it matters a lot less that I'm doing this.
This one lady, who was principal at the public elementary I attended is retiring and I think she's suspicious of me, because I emailed her asking for the art back to destroy. I explained the mean principal to her and what happened in middle school. She called my mom and said she was worried about me. I will clear things up with her here at the end of April at the school's carnival (if the universe doesn't screw that up too). and I will say goodbye to her there. I doubt she'd want to stay in touch because I'm super hyper and loud. So it won't hurt her that much, maybe same for my other teachers. As for now, I'm going to find a job temporarily, and first go on a luxury cruise or vacation(thats the minimum I need to balance this crap shoot out). But life will always screw me over again and I can't handle anymore disappointment or abuse. So when things fall through again, I'll CTB because why give my enemy (life) my ammunition? I have everything set up and will CTB after this chance blows up in my face. I take Olanzapine and have instructions on how to ctb with SN and a source to get SN at. So to compensate for being realities personal chew toy, I'm going to do something with excessive entertainment and pleasure and then ditch reality. I know there's no afterlife, so I'll just be dead. I'm standing up to my bully! (life/reality).
