Venting Why won't I just commit?

[meowwww]

Commit to ctb, that is. every time I try, I convince myself it isn't working or hurts too bad or something. My neck is red and bruised from my stupid phone cord. It just keeps getting worse but I can't stop trying even though it never works

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Maybe you're just not truly ready yet.

 

[Namelesa]

It's up to you to figure out whether it's SI and the want to avoid the pain of death or an actual desire to live. I hope you figure out what it is so you can finally find the way you want to escape your suffering.

 

[Freebandzgang]

My SI has always stopped me right before i commit, not because it hurts, not because i want to live. Every time, I get so close then my si kicks in and stops me, I dont know how to fix this. I get you

 

[opheliaoveragain]

SI is biologically built in to our primal lizard brains. it's not easy to overcome. give yourself some grace if you can. sending you a huge hug

 

[AreWeWinning]

I have watched a lot of research material on suicide on YT, and the way I understand it, SI always kicks in. Always. The question is not whether we can overcome it (because we can't), but whether we can push ourselves past a threshold where it doesn't matter if it kicks in. For example, like Thomas Joiner explains in one of his videos, nearly all jump survivors report that in the last seconds during the fall, they changed their mind. They wanted to live. Or people who hang themselves, usually reach for the rope (as seen on many hanging videos). Only when it's too late...

That's why certain methods are unreliable. Like SN, partial hanging, taking pills, for example. People back out, call for help, change their minds in the last moments.

There are only a few methods that are certain. People just don't like them, because they know there is no backing out.

 

[bananaolympus]

I don't believe si always kicks in mine never did in my first attempt, to ctb is to be completely devoid of any emotion no doubt in you it really is like a state of mind like a trance thats my experience at least

 

[AreWeWinning]

I don't believe si always kicks in mine never did in my first attempt, to ctb is to be completely devoid of any emotion no doubt in you it really is like a state of mind like a trance thats my experience at least

What was your method? Jumping, by looking at some of your previous posts?

Any advice on how to get into that state of mind? Can you pinpoint anything you did in particular that helped you, or did it just happen?

I think I know what you mean by "devoid of any emotion". Whenever I feel like I'm in a state where I could do it, it just feels empty. I feel like if I start to think, that'll just work against me, because there is always something to think of, and it never ends. So, the only way is to discard all thoughts all together, and get hyper-fixated on one, and only one thing... Something like that. I don't know...

Any advice?

 

[Hollowman]

I have watched a lot of research material on suicide on YT, and the way I understand it, SI always kicks in. Always. The question is not whether we can overcome it (because we can't), but whether we can push ourselves past a threshold where it doesn't matter if it kicks in. For example, like Thomas Joiner explains in one of his videos, nearly all jump survivors report that in the last seconds during the fall, they changed their mind. They wanted to live. Or people who hang themselves, usually reach for the rope (as seen on many hanging videos). Only when it's too late...

That's why certain methods are unreliable. Like SN, partial hanging, taking pills, for example. People back out, call for help, change their minds in the last moments.

There are only a few methods that are certain. People just don't like them, because they know there is no backing out.

I must be the exception then. When I attempted I was 100% certain and there was zero SI. I wish it would've worked.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I must be the exception then. When I attempted I was 100% certain and there was zero SI. I wish it would've worked.

Maybe it's not true then... Maybe T. Joiner just says it, because it's part of the propaganda to scare people away from attempting. Who knows.

Anyway, any advice on how to get into that state of mind? Can you pinpoint anything you did in particular that helped you, or did it just happen?

 

[Hollowman]

Yeah it's just propaganda. I don't have any advice my situation's unique like everyone else's. I've been stuck in a similar state for years now. I'm trying to wait out my mom if I can then I'll do it without any hesitation. I'm ready right now there's no fear anymore.

 

[RW__Asher23]

My only response to this is that you are not ready. You will know when you are. How you do it is up to you but take this from someone who shot himself but lived and no I did not wish I did not do it. Did not say oh I tried but could not bring myself to carry through. There was no question or hesitation for me at that moment. My mistake was buying a gun from a drug dealer who sold me a bad gun. It blew up at the side of my face jammed the shell in chamber blew up, so I got my scars and lost hearing as reminders. I do not encourage anyone to harm themselves or ctb but if that is your desire and you really are ready you will know it. Give yourself a break there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait at the last second. Backing out or whatever, It just means you are not ready and maybe you never will be but don't put yourself down or think bad of yourself. It was for a good reason even if you don't see it now. Live take a chance on life or not or maybe there is something else but what ever the case may be it is yours and yours alone. Wish you the very best journey to whatever you do and it is best and safe and what you want. Wish you Peace.

 

[restlesseyes]

I must be the exception then. When I attempted I was 100% certain and there was zero SI. I wish it would've worked.

i agree with this when i attempted i had no SI what so ever i shed a few tears writing my note assuming that was because i was drinking alcohol usually i can't cry but anyways i know everybody is different so even when some other people are 100% ready their SI still kicks in i guess for people in your case you just gotta fight through it or maybe you not really ready to go yet anything you can think of that's stopping you ?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i agree with this when i attempted i had no SI what so ever i shed a few tears writing my note assuming that was because i was drinking alcohol usually i can't cry but anyways i know everybody is different so even when some other people are 100% ready their SI still kicks in i guess for people in your case you just gotta fight through it or maybe you not really ready to go yet anything you can think of that's stopping you ?

@Hollowman @restlesseyes @RW__Asher23 what thinking led you to defeat si? were you constantly thinking of the reasons for ctb every day for years ?

i have seen many suicides on watchpeople die and most didn't hesitate . people are heros to me . wish i could be as brave and do it soon. and watch to defeat my si and for method info as in the shotgun placement type of gun.

this one got me really angry and it's heartbreaking. this guy was so brave . he dressed as the grim reaper. he set himself on fire. ,and raised his hands as he was burning. poor guy must have not known how bad pain can be and chose the worst method. he had enough courage to raise his hands in the face of that pain.
and the worst part some evil monster put him out with a fire estinguisher so i don't know if he died or lived burned in pain. i was angry at that monster interrupting him and probably leaving him in torture. just found out he seemed to live for a while at least then seen screaming in pain after the monster put the flames out. "In it, the man is seen screaming after the flames have been put out, with skin and charred clothing hanging from his arms."

this shit gets me so angry that people have to resort to burning themselves when nembutal or someone helping you with sucide should be legal but they made it a crime. for this only gets me so mad that might drive me to finally fucking shoot myself. i will do it in his honor for the pain they made him go through i will shoot myself.

this guy has more courage and to be able to resist that pain more than me . i couldn't take a cut on a finger . i hate pain. but i have a fury against this world and these monsters that take away all our guaranteed suicide methods

https://watchpeopledie.tv/h/suicide...turkeyman-sets-himself-on-fire-while?sort=old

Man dressed as grim reaper sets himself on FIRE as tourists take selfies

THIS is the shocking moment a man dressed as the grim reaper set himself on fire in Turkey’s biggest city of Istanbul. Horror footage too graphic to publish shows the man, his body completely…

www.thesun.co.uk

 

[Hollowman]

@Hollowman @restlesseyes @RW__Asher23 what thinking led you to defeat si? were you constantly thinking of the reasons for ctb every day for years ?

i have seen many suicides on watchpeople die and most didn't hesitate . people are heros to me . wish i could do it soon.

It's hard to explain but basically a complete lack of any hope and being trapped.

 

[bananaolympus]

What was your method? Jumping, by looking at some of your previous posts?

Any advice on how to get into that state of mind? Can you pinpoint anything you did in particular that helped you, or did it just happen?

I think I know what you mean by "devoid of any emotion". Whenever I feel like I'm in a state where I could do it, it just feels empty. I feel like if I start to think, that'll just work against me, because there is always something to think of, and it never ends. So, the only way is to discard all thoughts all together, and get hyper-fixated on one, and only one thing... Something like that. I don't know...

Any advice?

Yeah i jumped it was a month of extreme depression, it suddenly happen i was on my bed trying to sleep i couldn't so my brain was like lets die right now, i was like possesed no fear no doubts i had an objective and it was to die when arrived i just did the deed the only emotion i felt was pure relief while falling, yes it just happened but i think it was that my brain was so tired that couldn't even think clearly, if you watch suicide videos you see many people kill themselves while being so calm because there is a point when the brain is so tired or even enraged that it desactives si, my advice is to not put a date to ctb do it when you feel at your lowest

 

[grapevoid]

I don't believe si always kicks in mine never did in my first attempt, to ctb is to be completely devoid of any emotion no doubt in you it really is like a state of mind like a trance thats my experience at least

Same, I felt nothing, zero regret when I attempted. Though it's possible once I passed out my brain still autopiloted with SI because I stopped it while completely passed out, have no idea how really.

 

[AreWeWinning]

My only response to this is that you are not ready. You will know when you are. How you do it is up to you but take this from someone who shot himself but lived and no I did not wish I did not do it. Did not say oh I tried but could not bring myself to carry through. There was no question or hesitation for me at that moment. My mistake was buying a gun from a drug dealer who sold me a bad gun. It blew up at the side of my face jammed the shell in chamber blew up, so I got my scars and lost hearing as reminders. I do not encourage anyone to harm themselves or ctb but if that is your desire and you really are ready you will know it. Give yourself a break there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait at the last second. Backing out or whatever, It just means you are not ready and maybe you never will be but don't put yourself down or think bad of yourself. It was for a good reason even if you don't see it now. Live take a chance on life or not or maybe there is something else but what ever the case may be it is yours and yours alone. Wish you the very best journey to whatever you do and it is best and safe and what you want. Wish you Peace.

Now, this is the kind of advice I don't need, and that is not helpful. Please don't take it personally, because it's a common advice I see here, so my response is not directed specifically to you, I'm talking more in general. And I appreciate you took the time and replied to the thread, and I'm sorry about what happened to you.

In general, the problem with this kind of advice is that it's a non-advice. It's not helpful.

"you are not ready. You will know when you are. How you do it is up to you"
"if that is your desire and you really are ready you will know it"
"there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait at the last second. Backing out or whatever, It just means you are not ready and maybe you never will be"

Imagine someone wants to take on a new, promising job opportunity, but afraid to do so, and asks a friend for advice. Or imagine someone has been thinking about asking out his/her crush for years. Saying things like "you'll know when you're ready", or "it's ok to wait and back out" would be horrible things to say in those situations. But when it comes to suicide, it's kind of a standard response, in general. Why??

But still, there is something to be learned from reading through threads like this:

• Some people say even when they were sure they were ready, it meant nothing in the final moment, and they still couldn't pull the trigger.
• It's not just me who have this problem, but literally everybody. I thought I was so unique in feeling ready, but still finding it hard to do it... No. Almost everyone feels the same way.
• Clearly, being ready is not enough. There is something more. Something indescribable. Maybe even the people who actually did it do not know how they did it. Maybe it's something that cannot be described, only experienced. And there is no trick, advice or method. So, it's not like people don't want to help, but they can't, and no-one can.

There is one pattern though. It does not give any answers or solutions, just an observation... Some people do it impulsively, and some people are able to do it planned. At least, that's what I think. Some people need to wait for the right moment, and some people can make a plan, set a time, and carry it out like any other task. (I want to be in the latter camp.)

 

[grapevoid]

Honestly, these things aren't comparable and people have personal values and moral compasses that prevent them from encouraging people to do things, especially ending their own life.

While I agree that a lot of responses can feel unhelpful, I also agree that when you're ready, YOU will find a way. Your SI, your emotional response to what you are choosing to do, your attachments to life and the world are deeply personal. No one can REALLY give you any useful advice on how to overcome them. We can only support you and be there for you when you are feeling bad about them preventing you from doing said thing.

It's also worth noting that the majority of suicidal individuals I've met or spoken to are highly compassionate, empathetic people. They feel deeply and don't want to cause other people pain and suffering. With that, I am not surprised by a lot of the responses in these threads. People want to have hope for you, even when they've lost all hope for themselves. We are all just humans doing the best we can and navigating an emotional maze within ourselves.

 

[cme-dme]

Could be SI. Could also be that you aren't ready yet and still have some desire to live. It's probably both. Maybe you have loose ends that need tying or other emotional baggage keeping you here.

 

[AreWeWinning]

Honestly, these things aren't comparable and people have personal values and moral compasses that prevent them from encouraging people to do things, especially ending their own life.

While I agree that a lot of responses can feel unhelpful, I also agree that when you're ready, YOU will find a way. Your SI, your emotional response to what you are choosing to do, your attachments to life and the world are deeply personal. No one can REALLY give you any useful advice on how to overcome them. We can only support you and be there for you when you are feeling bad about them preventing you from doing said thing.

It's also worth noting that the majority of suicidal individuals I've met or spoken to are highly compassionate, empathetic people. They feel deeply and don't want to cause other people pain and suffering. With that, I am not surprised by a lot of the responses in these threads. People want to have hope for you, even when they've lost all hope for themselves. We are all just humans doing the best we can and navigating an emotional maze within ourselves.

Ok, so, basically what you're saying is I should have something concrete to say if I need help. "Wanting to die" is not concrete enough. And you're right. I don't feel like I have any internal conflicts, or personal beliefs that I'm unhappy about or that is causing me pain. I feel like I'm quite ok with how I feel and what I believe. I feel comfortable with what I want, and everything points in the same direction... If you say that, in this situation, the rest is up to me, and should be up to me, that's a reasonable point of view. I'm not saying I definitely agree, but this goes too deep into philosophical questions...

 

[grapevoid]

Ok, so, basically what you're saying is I should have something concrete to say if I need help. "Wanting to die" is not concrete enough. And you're right. I don't feel like I have any internal conflicts, or personal beliefs that I'm unhappy about or that is causing me pain. I feel like I'm quite ok with how I feel and what I believe. I feel comfortable with what I want, and everything points in the same direction... If you say that, in this situation, the rest is up to me, and should be up to me, that's a reasonable point of view. I'm not saying I definitely agree, but this goes too deep into philosophical questions...

I'm somewhat confused by the beginning of this message. I'm only saying people are human and they are going to respond to you in a human way as they are navigating a lot of complex emotions too. If you will it, I'm sure you will find the best way to make things work for you.

 

[사람이 없어]

I don't believe si always kicks in mine never did in my first attempt, to ctb is to be completely devoid of any emotion no doubt in you it really is like a state of mind like a trance thats my experience at least

The time I tried to overdose on a bunch of antipsych meds I had the same. I had no fear and I was having a lot of peace with my decision. Sure there was some fear when the 39203920 symptoms of drug overdose and extreme pain kicked in, but I honestly just accepted my decision and hoped that I'd be dead by the end of it.
Haven't been able to replicate that since, though, but I take it I am not completely ready yet to leave this planet.
When my time comes again I'll know at least.

 

[RW__Asher23]

Now, this is the kind of advice I don't need, and that is not helpful. Please don't take it personally, because it's a common advice I see here, so my response is not directed specifically to you, I'm talking more in general. And I appreciate you took the time and replied to the thread, and I'm sorry about what happened to you.

In general, the problem with this kind of advice is that it's a non-advice. It's not helpful.



Imagine someone wants to take on a new, promising job opportunity, but afraid to do so, and asks a friend for advice. Or imagine someone has been thinking about asking out his/her crush for years. Saying things like "you'll know when you're ready", or "it's ok to wait and back out" would be horrible things to say in those situations. But when it comes to suicide, it's kind of a standard response, in general. Why??

But still, there is something to be learned from reading through threads like this:

• Some people say even when they were sure they were ready, it meant nothing in the final moment, and they still couldn't pull the trigger.
• It's not just me who have this problem, but literally everybody. I thought I was so unique in feeling ready, but still finding it hard to do it... No. Almost everyone feels the same way.
• Clearly, being ready is not enough. There is something more. Something indescribable. Maybe even the people who actually did it do not know how they did it. Maybe it's something that cannot be described, only experienced. And there is no trick, advice or method. So, it's not like people don't want to help, but they can't, and no-one can.

There is one pattern though. It does not give any answers or solutions, just an observation... Some people do it impulsively, and some people are able to do it planned. At least, that's what I think. Some people need to wait for the right moment, and some people can make a plan, set a time, and carry it out like any other task. (I want to be in the latter camp.)

First my reply was not meant for you but the op here. But you are welcome to vent all you want. No problem. If you read what I said clearly I did not say being ready will work there is something more but that has to be felt but you will not feel it when you really are not at that point being ready is more than just a word or expression there is more that is not something I can tell you. When it happened to me I was ready but also had feeling or some other thing I can't explain to you but that is one you will know when you are really ready that why I said that.. You want an answer that is not easy to give when I have no words for it myself. But I did it and did not regret it. Not even after all was said and done. That was not my only time either. But the one that was successful in that I went through with it. Sorry I can't help you with what you are venting about. I did my best giving answer that is for me the only one I could provide to the OP. Not meant for you but I see it bothers you. Sorry you will find that is going to happen here too. Disappointment or something will make you angry. But there are good things that happen here too like people who decide to try to make it one more time or decide there is another way to their own destiny or through their journey in this life. Maybe they found another choice better than the one that would have been very painful and that choice is no longer one they will use. Venting and Talk about it is best way to solve it or at least like you are doing venting is a good thing. Some release better than none. I am not trying to ctb anymore I am trying to survive a terminal illness that is going to kill me. I have my reasons but when and if I can no longer fight or when the trial meds and treatments are done and I am also done then I will return to my ctb plan. I wont let this disease take me out. It is a really bad exit if I allowed that. Peace.

 

[J&L383]

SI is biologically built in to our primal lizard brains. it's not easy to overcome. give yourself some grace if you can. sending you a huge hug

Yup. It's that damned lizard brain.

 

[AreWeWinning]

First my reply was not meant for you but the op here. But you are welcome to vent all you want. No problem. If you read what I said clearly I did not say being ready will work there is something more but that has to be felt but you will not feel it when you really are not at that point being ready is more than just a word or expression there is more that is not something I can tell you. When it happened to me I was ready but also had feeling or some other thing I can't explain to you but that is one you will know when you are really ready that why I said that.. You want an answer that is not easy to give when I have no words for it myself. But I did it and did not regret it. Not even after all was said and done. That was not my only time either. But the one that was successful in that I went through with it. Sorry I can't help you with what you are venting about. I did my best giving answer that is for me the only one I could provide to the OP. Not meant for you but I see it bothers you. Sorry you will find that is going to happen here too. Disappointment or something will make you angry. But there are good things that happen here too like people who decide to try to make it one more time or decide there is another way to their own destiny or through their journey in this life. Maybe they found another choice better than the one that would have been very painful and that choice is no longer one they will use. Venting and Talk about it is best way to solve it or at least like you are doing venting is a good thing. Some release better than none. I am not trying to ctb anymore I am trying to survive a terminal illness that is going to kill me. I have my reasons but when and if I can no longer fight or when the trial meds and treatments are done and I am also done then I will return to my ctb plan. I wont let this disease take me out. It is a really bad exit if I allowed that. Peace.

Thanks for your reply. You're a good person.