Why won't anyone believe me? There is nothing I haven't tried.

[RoyBlight]

I'm a 22 years old male and I summarize my life in this post, asking for advice at the end.

I just don't know what to do, what to think, what to believe anymore... you'd think a "recovery process" of 10 years would be enough for me to recognize myself and others, to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong... well I guess it's not.

It has become impossible to explain at this point, with no words enough to even come close to describing what's going on in my head.

I've been bullied since elementary school, started taking meds due to panic attacks in 5th grade. After 10th grade I've gotten so much worse that I had to quit school, as I would have nervous breakdowns every single day. I haven't gotten any better. Right now I cannot socialize, I cannot go to school, I cannot go to work. I pretty much have no life and am stuck in my room. That's a VERY rough summary of my mental issues. And below you will see how absolutely no "professional" was competent enough to even come close to helping me.

I've been seeking help for more than 10 years now I think... but it's always been the same. I fail to describe my issues, all I can describe is that I have panic attacks and... they just give me some antidepressants that won't help. Nobody carefully analyzes me to see if it's caused by some trauma or by some abnormality in my brain, absolutely nothing...
And when the meds don't work they just add more meds or change the existing ones... still to no avail.

It's not that I quit too early... I take the meds for multiple months but they just do not bloody help, even worse they show awful side effects. Not to even mention I don't feel comfortable at all while talking to my doctors. It's always felt like they don't care about what I think, they've always just gaslit me into thinking my thoughts are just caused by my illness, that I'm always wrong and should only listen to them.

This has gone for like 10 years until I've given up. I just didn't want to be used like a toy, played like a puppet anymore. I live with my mother right now, she takes care of me. I cannot go to college or work anywhere right now due to anxiety issues, panic attacks or whatever but honestly, I'd much rather be homeless in the future than put another pill in my mouth or have another doctor manipulate me into thinking my thoughts are worthless.

Since I cannot get better by any means, I wanted to try to get a disability report recently, to get paid a tiny sum every month, to make use of various discounts, stuff like that.
They said I cannot get it because I'm not currently undergoing any treatment anywhere.
I don't get it... I mean, if I'm undergoing treatment, that means I'll be basically continuing normal life while taking medications a.k.a not be disabled at all.
But no treatment has ever helped me so that's why I decided this could count as a disability at this point, hence I applied for it. How does this system makes sense at all?

If I see a doctor for this ''treatment'' I know they won't take me seriously, they'll just give me some simple medication as if I've been depressed and been having panic attacks for like a month and not 10 years.

I told so many people that my past memories torture me, that I keep seeing awful past events in my dreams, that my past is my greatest burden and I can never forgive myself or others for past mistakes that ruined my life. None even slightly considered the possibility of PTSD, they just insist it's simply anxiety and just send me off with some pills.

You know, I did try working at some places. One was a warehouse. My experience there was worse than anyone can possibly imagine. It wasn't that the people there were bad people, they were lovely people but I always just wanted to be back home because of my anxiety. I would often get too exhausted, start getting dizzy, start shaking, start crying. I would have to try to hard to hide my tears. I would hide in a corner and try to cry it out during break times. Despite all this, despite single days feeling like multiple weeks, I did not quit because I was just sick of it all. I was sick of quitting, I was sick of failing. And guess what, they fired me after 1.5 month. They must have seen how much difficulty I was having.

That experience in particular proved me that it wasn't just that ''I had to get used to it" that "It'll be hard to for the first week, then it'll be easier" bullcrap people tell me.

I would like to mention another thing. For almost 10 years again, I've always listened to the doctors and whenever I had different opinions, I said to myself ''These thoughts are probably caused by puberty or my illness, I should ignore them". I was absolutely nobody, I had no thought or emotion that mattered, I simply did what everyone told me. Big shocker, I got much worse and worse.

After a while, as well as listening to the doctors, I've been analyzing myself as well. Trying to figure out why I could be like this, extremely sensitive, be obsessed over the tiniest things, have panic attacks that keep me from doing anything in life.

I've considered countless possibilities. Were my expectations too high? Was I giving too much credit to others? Did I have too much confidence in others and not enough in myself? Was I too obsessed with what other think of me? Was I a hypchocondriac, just lying to myself that I was mentally ill? Was I simply not motivated? Was I overanalyzing myself?
Thesea are probably the simplest examples I could think of, I couldn't possibly come close to telling you how much thinking I've done.

I would like to think if it really was something to do with my way of thinking, I would have figured it out after 10 fucking years of analyzing myself. At this point, I can tell EXACTLY what goes on in my brain that causes my issues. I am also COMPLETELY aware of myself and my surrounding when I'm having panic attacks. It's like my mind is clear but my body is just going through a crisis, like a healthy person stuck in a sick body. I've gotten SO FAR in terms of awareness, yet there is just no solution to any of this.

But... who cares... they won't give me a disability report... any psychiatrist or psychologist immediately disregards my thoughts... and I probably will be enlisted in the future for mandatory military service, because I cannot convince people that I am unfit... and you know I'll show people at the military something pretty fucking hilarious once they put any gun in my hand.

So uhh, if anyone is reading this, before continuing I greatly appreciate you, for hearing me out. Shouldn't be easy reading all of that I imagine.

I uhh... I'm... well, after all the things I've been through with countless treatments not working and people not believing me, it would be suffice to say I... I just don't feel human anymore.
Like... me being right and hundreds of others wrong? That shouldn't be possible, yet it is... I mean, the reason I disregarded my own thoughts and listened to the doctors for years in the first place is because I thought it not possible but... it seems like that's just what's happening...

It's just... nothing makes sense... none of this makes sense. It's like I have this aura around me and reality just bends around me and everything just... becomes the opposite... or something, it's really hard to explain... like anything that would work for a normal human being just doesn't work me...

I cannot... quite come into terms with any of this. People still tell me stuff like... ''It's because I don't believe in the treatment'' ''It's because I quit too early'' ''I have to do something I love" dumb shit like that... and I wish I could just completely remove all of these people and all of these advices from my life but there is just still a very tiny part of me inside that still cares about these advices, like a tiny bit of ''normal human'' left inside of me. I wish I could completely purge it.

And as you can see everyone I'm... I'm still writing in the ''recovery'' forum... even though I'm... beyond exhausted.
I just... wish I could completely give up... and fucking end myself but... it's like there's some code in my body that... forces me to still search for an answer, even though I don't want to anymore.

What do I do guys... I mean... I'm just... done, completely. I don't want anything... like, naturally, after a life-time of torture it caused, I just do not want to seek treatment anymore, I do not want to try to get better. And I do not want to die either because I'm scared shitless of death. I'm just... I'm just in pain... I'm just in immeasurable pain... Nobody but my mother believes me... everyone just keeps talking like they know what I've been through... I cannot go to school, cannot go to work, have absolutely no hobby other than playing video games, watching youtube and listening to music, nothing I can make money out of...

Am I really the one to blame...? Was all of this... really all my fault...?

Does anyone have any advice for me... I mean... to be honest I'm so lost, I don't even know what I need advice for... maybe an advice to numb the pain caused by all of this? The pain caused by years of failure, disappointment, the loneliness? Or maybe an actual treatment/recovery advice to get better? Or maybe just... an advice on how I can end all of this...

Thank you for sparing me your time. It means a lot, truly.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

all I can describe is that I have panic attacks and... they just give me some antidepressants that won't help.

Hey friend. I am sorry you've gone through all of this. It sounds very harsh.

My tip when seeking help is to go prepared in advance with notes, a chronological, detailed summary, and your expectations out of therapy. It's imperative that you find a therapist that can actually help you and will carefully go through your history to better understand you.

As for the doctors, not all doctors are psychiatrists although they can still prescribe psychiatric medication. I'm assuming you already knew that, but what I'm saying is that not all doctors are qualified mental health professionals.

It sounds to me like you have a chronic health condition that started since early age. Could be mental but could also be physical. If you haven't tried, I would write an extremely detailed account of all the symptoms you've gone through, frequency, severity, and so on, and find a doctor who will take the time of day to listen and guide you to appropriate treatment.

I'm not sure why psychiatrists are simply disregarding your thoughts? Can you elaborate on that? If you want to, of course. I mean it just doesn't make sense that someone with your history would simply get prescribed antidepressants. To me the origins of your problems do not sound like they were due to depression, or just depression.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Man...reading that was a journey. I can't tell you how much I relate to several of the things you said. The way you phrased how much you've tried to get better, for a decade, the effort you put into that job, the level of awareness and introspection and yet it's not enough to fix the issue. Yes, yes, yes! I truly empathise with that because I've done therapy for 16 years, I've taken medication, I've gone out of my comfort zone, I've followed people's advice, I kept trying and trying...but always got back to the same point.

It's not lack of trying or lack of believing in treatment or any of that, it's not your fault. It took me 16 years and only now I have a psychologist that is delving deep into past trauma and I'm getting some breakthroughs. Sometimes it's the doctors that are crap, psychiatrists in particular, other times it's not the right therapy, other times it's not the right therapist and a lot of the times, yes, people don't go deep enough!

I know how confusing it is to believe a lot of people are wrong and you're right. You have such a similar thought process to me, you're very rational and so self aware. I don't know you or your case deep enough so I don't want to attempt to say what is wrong with you, but it sounds like, from what you wrote, that you need a good therapist to go deep into uncovering these issues. It sounds like it could be trauma that is hindering your life. The way you spoke about having those panic attacks and the nightmares, again, similar case to me. I regularly have nightmares about people that died in my life or my pets being in danger of dying and being my fault. Several months ago I was so out of it I was experiencing psychosis symptoms. I would get this immense terror, paralyzing, had to stop working for months.

All of this to say that I truly believe it's not your fault, that you seem like an intelligent person who has been trying their hardest to fix their issues and haven't gotten the results they should get. Even the medication not working, again, so similar.

If you want to talk, my DMs are open. Just like you I am also looking for answers and haven't given up yet even though I've been so close to doing so so many times. I really want you to get some answers, have those problems solved, you sound so committed, with a lot of will to fix things damn it! Sorry about your suffering, that is really hard to deal with

 

[ceilng_tile]

It sounds like you need a therapist who actually listens to you. What kind of doctors have you been seeing in the past? Have they all been psychiatrists or are some of them therapists/clinical psychologists?

 

[Voyage]

Horrible what you've gone through.

Psychiatrists these days really are only pill dispensers and therapists are undertrained and grasp onto whichever manual they can find (usually CBT, the evidence-based therapy that anyone can do and evidently does absolutely fuck all for severe childhood trauma)

What direction has your self-analysis taken? I have been doing the same for roughly as long, and got some breakthroughs in the past couple years. In my case, certain formative memories only started to surface since I began reading psychoanalysis and my mind was grappling with all these concepts and ideas.

I now understand much better what traumatized me and it did reduce my panic attacks by a lot, though the damage is still here and there is no magic wand.

This quote is what therapy can ideally do:
"Psychotherapy cannot erase painful memories. What psychotherapy can do is develop a person's ability to become aware of their intrusion, withstand their damaging influence, and accumulate new positive memories that offset their impact."
—Mary Jo Peebles

If you could dm me more details maybe we can figure out something, 0 guarantee for success though.

 

[RoyBlight]

Hey friend. I am sorry you've gone through all of this. It sounds very harsh.

My tip when seeking help is to go prepared in advance with notes, a chronological, detailed summary, and your expectations out of therapy. It's imperative that you find a therapist that can actually help you and will carefully go through your history to better understand you.

As for the doctors, not all doctors are psychiatrists although they can still prescribe psychiatric medication. I'm assuming you already knew that, but what I'm saying is that not all doctors are qualified mental health professionals.

It sounds to me like you have a chronic health condition that started since early age. Could be mental but could also be physical. If you haven't tried, I would write an extremely detailed account of all the symptoms you've gone through, frequency, severity, and so on, and find a doctor who will take the time of day to listen and guide you to appropriate treatment.

I'm not sure why psychiatrists are simply disregarding your thoughts? Can you elaborate on that? If you want to, of course. I mean it just doesn't make sense that someone with your history would simply get prescribed antidepressants. To me the origins of your problems do not sound like they were due to depression, or just depression.

I did write notes plenty of times, went prepared. The professionals I've been to often insist on anxiety however, even after reading my notes that are often similar to what I wrote up there, they've never said I could have any chronic childhood issue, some sort of traumatic disorder or anything. They really just insist on depression and anxiety and prescribe me with widely used antidepressants. Me and my mother, we've decided to look for doctors specialized in treating specific ailments at some point, went to one that treats ADHD. That one said I indeed might have ADHD but her prescriptions did not help either.

And the "my thoughts being disregarded" part, I do remember often insisting my problems might have occured due to childhood trauma, insisting that depression/anxiety treatment just does not help me but almost all of the doctors simply insist that these symptoms I go through while often caused by PTSD, could still just be caused by anxiety and just insist on anxiety treatment.

Man...reading that was a journey. I can't tell you how much I relate to several of the things you said. The way you phrased how much you've tried to get better, for a decade, the effort you put into that job, the level of awareness and introspection and yet it's not enough to fix the issue. Yes, yes, yes! I truly empathise with that because I've done therapy for 16 years, I've taken medication, I've gone out of my comfort zone, I've followed people's advice, I kept trying and trying...but always got back to the same point.

It's not lack of trying or lack of believing in treatment or any of that, it's not your fault. It took me 16 years and only now I have a psychologist that is delving deep into past trauma and I'm getting some breakthroughs. Sometimes it's the doctors that are crap, psychiatrists in particular, other times it's not the right therapy, other times it's not the right therapist and a lot of the times, yes, people don't go deep enough!

I know how confusing it is to believe a lot of people are wrong and you're right. You have such a similar thought process to me, you're very rational and so self aware. I don't know you or your case deep enough so I don't want to attempt to say what is wrong with you, but it sounds like, from what you wrote, that you need a good therapist to go deep into uncovering these issues. It sounds like it could be trauma that is hindering your life. The way you spoke about having those panic attacks and the nightmares, again, similar case to me. I regularly have nightmares about people that died in my life or my pets being in danger of dying and being my fault. Several months ago I was so out of it I was experiencing psychosis symptoms. I would get this immense terror, paralyzing, had to stop working for months.

All of this to say that I truly believe it's not your fault, that you seem like an intelligent person who has been trying their hardest to fix their issues and haven't gotten the results they should get. Even the medication not working, again, so similar.

If you want to talk, my DMs are open. Just like you I am also looking for answers and haven't given up yet even though I've been so close to doing so so many times. I really want you to get some answers, have those problems solved, you sound so committed, with a lot of will to fix things damn it! Sorry about your suffering, that is really hard to deal with

Thank you so much, I do not often receive such heart-warming messages, this really means a lot.

I actually did come across a good therapist, in fact it was the last one I've been to. She actually cared about what I had to say, it was, for the first time ever, more like us two debating on what we should do, and not just her telling me what to do. I do believe it did help me get better. I may be an absolute wreck right now but oh boy, I was so much worse before her, at least now I've come in terms with more things and am aware of more things.

Unfortunately though, during the time I had with her, it was more like I felt motivated and relieved from session to session, it wasn't quite like finding a treatment that would greatly improve my mental health and life in general. We never really picked one issue and focused on that for months, like trauma or adhd or whatever, it was just stuff in general.
And it also got way too expensive... inflation bit me on the ass so I cannot see her anymore sadly.

It sounds like you need a therapist who actually listens to you. What kind of doctors have you been seeing in the past? Have they all been psychiatrists or are some of them therapists/clinical psychologists?

I've seen psychiatrists in state hospitals as well as private ones. I've seen therapists, psychologists... actually I'm not gonna lie, up until I read your message I thought a therapist and a psychologist was the same thing, I just looked it up and realized they're different... but yeah I'm confident I've seen all those you've listed at least once.

Horrible what you've gone through.

Psychiatrists these days really are only pill dispensers and therapists are undertrained and grasp onto whichever manual they can find (usually CBT, the evidence-based therapy that anyone can do and evidently does absolutely fuck all for severe childhood trauma)

What direction has your self-analysis taken? I have been doing the same for roughly as long, and got some breakthroughs in the past couple years. In my case, certain formative memories only started to surface since I began reading psychoanalysis and my mind was grappling with all these concepts and ideas.

I now understand much better what traumatized me and it did reduce my panic attacks by a lot, though the damage is still here and there is no magic wand.

This quote is what therapy can ideally do:
"Psychotherapy cannot erase painful memories. What psychotherapy can do is develop a person's ability to become aware of their intrusion, withstand their damaging influence, and accumulate new positive memories that offset their impact."
—Mary Jo Peebles

If you could dm me more details maybe we can figure out something, 0 guarantee for success though.

My self analysis has taken a strange direction, to say the least. Hard to explain.
The stuff like ''Am I exaggerating" "Am I overthinking" "Am I hypochondriac" didn't really get nowhere because I'm just... not... and if I am then I guess it must be like something really REALLY deep down in my subconscious that I cannot detect it at all. So I just couldn't get anywhere with those.

I haven't quite been making any breakthroughs about why I always have these panic attacks or like the roots of my psychological issues.
It's more just been about how stupid I was when I was younger, how I let so many people use me and how I gave others too much credit, like the doctors I've been to. So you know, not very helpful ones, not very scientific ones.

Those type of realizations caused some disassociation I think, like that ''not feeling human'' thing I wrote up there.
And also my memory is really messed up. I barely remember anything before high-school, only things are a bunch of blurry images and those feel like they're being relayed to me from like a past life or something.

So yeah, more recently I was kinda too busy realizing how I let those incompetent psychiatrists just poison me for a decade for no reason, how all my peers just toyed around with me and how all the adults gaslit me into thinking I was exaggerating my problems to avoid responsibilities. Now with these past burdens on my head, I cannot even focus on the actual root, the beginning of my issues anymore.

 

[Voyage]

I have so much shit to say about the shrinks you've encountered, but anyway here's my two cents:

So far:
1. Anxiety
2. Depression
3. Amnesia with regard to childhood
4. Unable to focus (inferring this since some wacko tried to put ADHD on you)

From these surface level symptoms I'd approach your case with the assumption that your problems are a result of CPTSD (a fancy way of saying recurring trauma/ abuse over time, usually as a child). Getting diagnosed with "anxiety disorder" is like going to a doc for stomach ache, and the doc diagnoses you with "Tummy Hurt".

Let's start by saying that self-analysis is almost never recommended. Try to find a psychodynamic therapist. The process will take years but it's that or nothing. If you're getting shrinks assigned to you, you need to luck the fuck out for it to work.

The first thing about analysis is, what you're trying to dig up are repressed. Trauma is by definition too much to bear, and the first defense mechanism against this is repression, aka trying to forget it. This isn't actually forgetting, as the traumatic memory is just buried in your unconscious. Think of it as digging a hole in your backyard and burying a dead body in it. The dead body is still there. Repressed memories always return, not as conscious memories but as symptoms (depression, specific somatic problems).

The goal of analysis, in your case, would be to slowly dig up these repressed memories and linking them to how you currently behave, in language (you need to be able to put it into words, by yourself. Language is the great mediator. I can't expend on this here).

Here's what worked for me:

1) linking uncomfortable memories that I'm already conscious of to their impacts

(e.g. I was extremely afraid of talking to people, esp. teachers. This I realized was due to my interactions with my mother. I would tell her I feel hot and she'd deny it and insist that I wear a jacket. Even though she'd let me take it off when she saw sweat literally drip down my face, my opinion was completely disregarded. Our expectations of how interactions go with authority figures (teachers, doctors) are based on how they went with our parents. Why would I dare tell the teacher that I need to use the bathroom, if I believed that it would fall on deaf ears? That authority figures don't care?)

2) learning clinical psychological concepts allowed some of my own repressed memories to come up, esp. reading case examples of traumatized people's experiences. So it's a combination of learning concepts (important) and exposing yourself to other people's stories (this forum perhaps)

 

[RoyBlight]

I have so much shit to say about the shrinks you've encountered, but anyway here's my two cents:

So far:
1. Anxiety
2. Depression
3. Amnesia with regard to childhood
4. Unable to focus (inferring this since some wacko tried to put ADHD on you)

From these surface level symptoms I'd approach your case with the assumption that your problems are a result of CPTSD (a fancy way of saying recurring trauma/ abuse over time, usually as a child). Getting diagnosed with "anxiety disorder" is like going to a doc for stomach ache, and the doc diagnoses you with "Tummy Hurt".

Let's start by saying that self-analysis is almost never recommended. Try to find a psychodynamic therapist. The process will take years but it's that or nothing. If you're getting shrinks assigned to you, you need to luck the fuck out for it to work.

The first thing about analysis is, what you're trying to dig up are repressed. Trauma is by definition too much to bear, and the first defense mechanism against this is repression, aka trying to forget it. This isn't actually forgetting, as the traumatic memory is just buried in your unconscious. Think of it as digging a hole in your backyard and burying a dead body in it. The dead body is still there. Repressed memories always return, not as conscious memories but as symptoms (depression, specific somatic problems).

The goal of analysis, in your case, would be to slowly dig up these repressed memories and linking them to how you currently behave, in language (you need to be able to put it into words, by yourself. Language is the great mediator. I can't expend on this here).

Here's what worked for me

1) linking uncomfortable memories that I'm already conscious of to their impacts

(e.g. I was extremely afraid of talking to people, esp. teachers. This I realized was due to my interactions with my mother. I would tell her I feel hot and she'd deny it and insist that I wear a jacket. Even though she'd let me take it off when she saw sweat literally drip down my face, my opinion was completely disregarded. Our expectations of how interactions go with authority figures (teachers, doctors) are based on how they went with our parents. Why would I dare tell the teacher that I need to use the bathroom, if I believed that it would fall on deaf ears? That authority figures don't care?)

2) learning clinical psychological concepts allowed some of my own repressed memories to come up, esp. reading case examples of traumatized people's experiences. So it's a combination of learning concepts (important) and exposing yourself to other people's stories (this forum perhaps)

This is a very helpful response, thank you so much. I'll keep those advices you gave me in mind, will give them a try for sure.

I also just thought of another thing to ask if it's not a problem, since it does seem like you definitely know a thing or two about this topic in general.
Do you think hypnotheraphy can help? I went to a single session and this guy "hypnotized" me... though I didnt fall asleep or anything, I felt nothing in fact... and well since I'm already so sick of seeking treatment I kinda just quit immediatly after the first session not going as planned at all. Do you think I should just continue to try that?

 

[Voyage]

This is a very helpful response, thank you so much. I'll keep those advices you gave me in mind, will give them a try for sure.

I also just thought of another thing to ask if it's not a problem, since it does seem like you definitely know a thing or two about this topic in general.
Do you think hypnotheraphy can help? I went to a single session and this guy "hypnotized" me... though I didnt fall asleep or anything, I felt nothing in fact... and well since I'm already so sick of seeking treatment I kinda just quit immediatly after the first session not going as planned at all. Do you think I should just continue to try that?

There's basically no data on its efficacy regarding CPTSD.

"Hypnotherapy" doesn't actually communicate anything about the therapist's orientation. It just says they're using hypnosis as a technique, which induces a trance state (this doesn't happen in the first session) and you become more suggestible/ relaxed/ more likely to recall repressed memories.

Some therapists use hypnosis as a technique and then... Try to change your impaired cognitions. Others try to explore underlying childhood trauma. You'd need to ask the therapist what their plan is.

There are parallels between this and lying on the couch in psychodynamic therapy. You're also in a trance state (relaxed and allows for free associations) and psychodynamically-oriented therapists will help you explore underlying trauma. This is just one technique they may or may not employ.

All in all I'd ask the therapist for more information before deciding. CBT + hypnosis might help, but since you already have the desire to explore childhood trauma (this desire being crucial to psychodynamic therapy), I'd find one who does that.

Also, I think I forgot to mention, the lack of focus is likely a result of hypervigilance, since you're anxious about other people from the bullying (if nothing else).

 

[RoyBlight]

There's basically no data on its efficacy regarding CPTSD.

"Hypnotherapy" doesn't actually communicate anything about the therapist's orientation. It just says they're using hypnosis as a technique, which induces a trance state (this doesn't happen in the first session) and you become more suggestible/ relaxed/ more likely to recall repressed memories.

Some therapists use hypnosis as a technique and then... Try to change your impaired cognitions. Others try to explore underlying childhood trauma. You'd need to ask the therapist what their plan is.

There are parallels between this and lying on the couch in psychodynamic therapy. You're also in a trance state (relaxed and allows for free associations) and psychodynamically-oriented therapists will help you explore underlying trauma. This is just one technique they may or may not employ.

All in all I'd ask the therapist for more information before deciding. CBT + hypnosis might help, but since you already have the desire to explore childhood trauma (this desire being crucial to psychodynamic therapy), I'd find one who does that.

Also, I think I forgot to mention, the lack of focus is likely a result of hypervigilance, since you're anxious about other people from the bullying (if nothing else).

Hypervigilance does make sense, yeah. And I'll have to just ask more questions to any professional I'll be seeing from now on it seems, if I'll see any anytime soon that is. Thanks a lot for the answers, you've been very helpful.