Venting Why wasn’t I adopted?!

[MeltingHeart]

Anyone else feel that if they had been given up as child - early on - to a family/ people that wanted and knew HOW to love & care for a child that might of had a better chance in life? Would have been better off and actually might be ok now? I'm far too old to be thinking about it now...but since my breakdown...all of my previously suppressed past memories have come back to haunt me. I was only kept to be used as a tool to extort money from one parent & also just her loneliness and just to have someone to use a sounding board / shout & vent at. Just weird cos if she regretted having kids so much- just give them up- other people do! & an adopted parent could be a million times better than a biological one - because they really wanted a child & have gone through the process to acquire one! Ahh if only!! If I hadn't become this way I would have loved to have adopted to give a child in need to a good home- I wouldn't feel the need to have a mini replica of myself - just a little one to love & care for in the way I never was. Oh well - it is never to be now.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Only just realised this should have really gone in off topic! sorry !!

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I was one of three, my brother was removed into boarding school, my sister was put into foster care I was left behind, I am currently in the process of trying to access my records to find out why the fuck I was left behind.... It's part of the reason i find myself hating myself, clearly I wasn't worthy of saving


Fuck that's the first time that thought has come to my head, fuck fuck fuck... Not good

 

[Nem]

I just wish I had never met my ex!!
Peace/hugs

 

[MeltingHeart]

I was one of three, my brother was removed into boarding school, my sister was put into foster care I was left behind, I am currently in the process of trying to access my records to find out why the fuck I was left behind.... It's part of the reason i find myself hating myself, clearly I wasn't worthy of saving


Fuck that's the first time that thought has come to my head, fuck fuck fuck... Not good

I am so sorry! it so bizarre isnt it- i hear some times of stories about people that were adopted and they are always so desperate to try and track down their birth parents (which I do understand-and is a very different circumstance-and also some that gave them up were just too young-or had to or whatever) but I am just like- I bloody wish i had been!! Its very weird and perverse I wasnt as was always told by one that I wasnt wanted or was regretted- and the other just virtually ignored and abandoned me my whole life- so im just left thinking - one: have you heard of birth control or atleast or two: have you heard of adoption, absoloute fricking cruel idiots!! and now because I have a desire to ctb- i'm the one with a mental disorder?! what an absolute joke! ( a very tragic one at that). I dont like myself much but I like myself enough to say that I think someone else would have loved to have me as their daughter, I know I could have been appreciated & valued by someone else...someone out there would have loved having me around I reckon - not the cruel narcissists that I happen to have descended from- which I still can barely believe- I dont want their blood in me!

I just wish I had never met my ex!!
Peace/hugs

Ahh I have that too! - in fact it was that which pushed me over the edge- triggering my breakdown & the influx of all my past memories- so not totally their fault-but nonetheless I was actually doing ok untill i met them-but they treated me in a similar way to how I had been as a child (which of course i just put up with -and infact it made me more desperate for this person to love & to seek their approval- its so damn Freudian its unreal!) so I became totally unravelled again and it bought up all my past trauma- I actually think I might have been ok if I hadnt met my Ex. But i was stupidly drawn to the exact opposite of what i needed and the type of person that would have been good for me.

 

[Notf1xable]

I just wish I had never met my ex!!
Peace/hugs

Ditto, or never married my husband, would have soften the emotional pain.

 

[Reyki6667]

Same, without those progenitors of mine, i would be able to have better and good memories, instead if my fucked up childhood.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Same, without those progenitors of mine, i would be able to have better and good memories, instead if my fucked up childhood.

Im sorry for you- its something i will never get my head around- that people - not the right people, or just not ready, or just not good people- breed!! and then go on to complain about it! (in my case to my face!) they had no obligation; from parents or religion or where they lived to have me, thats the fckd up thing! & then i have the additional heartache of seeing the other one have a couple more kids & provide and care for them in such a way that i never got! and of course they are both thriving in life (i have no bad feelings towards them as it is not their fault-in fact im really sad, as if id been treated a little better i would have thought i could be a great older step-sibling to have rather than a totally f**ked up one) - so at the end of the day so many people are suffering the consequences

Same, without those progenitors of mine, i would be able to have better and good memories, instead if my fucked up childhood.

its sad cos memories are so important- they make a person in many ways- we are made up of our memories-thats why trauma & ptsd and things occur- we are ultimately a culmination of all that has happened to us. & memories can console & ease us in the present as well as give us hope for the future.

 

[truthseeker]

I am a product of my mother's second marriage. I don't know the whole story but her two children from her first marriage were taken away by authorities after that husband left his family. That's all I know for sure. Have no idea of what became of them and I've not felt a need to find out. Considering the awful, abused and neglected childhood I had, I grew up envious of them once I was aware of them.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I am a product of my mother's second marriage. I don't know the whole story but her two children from her first marriage were taken away by authorities after that husband left his family. That's all I know for sure. Have no idea of what became of them and I've not felt a need to find out. Considering the awful, abused and neglected childhood I had, I grew up envious of them once I was aware of them.

why do some people have them ey? we live in modern times- its actually pretty acceptable to NOT have kids & if you dont have the requisite skills, desire to have and or/ love to give then why do it...its utterly ridiculous- its kind of like when people acquire pets & then treat them badly-why get one in the first place! but even then seems that soceity/ other people care more as they notice it more & pay attention-but dont recgnise when a lil person is trying to hide it & pretend everything is ok-just because i didnt have much physical abuse so it wasnt visible in that way- but mental abuse can leave wounds too ey. The difference is no one else sees them :(

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I am so sorry! it so bizarre isnt it- i hear some times of stories about people that were adopted and they are always so desperate to try and track down their birth parents (which I do understand-and is a very different circumstance-and also some that gave them up were just too young-or had to or whatever) but I am just like- I bloody wish i had been!! Its very weird and perverse I wasnt as was always told by one that I wasnt wanted or was regretted- and the other just virtually ignored and abandoned me my whole life- so im just left thinking - one: have you heard of birth control or atleast or two: have you heard of adoption, absoloute fricking cruel idiots!! and now because I have a desire to ctb- i'm the one with a mental disorder?! what an absolute joke! ( a very tragic one at that). I dont like myself much but I like myself enough to say that I think someone else would have loved to have me as their daughter, I know I could have been appreciated & valued by someone else...someone out there would have loved having me around I reckon - not the cruel narcissists that I happen to have descended from- which I still can barely believe- I dont want their blood in me!

This is where my story is even more fucked up, because of my upbringing and the fact I was neglected when I had my first born son I was deemed a unfit parent and I lost him to forced adoption..... A child I adored and would have done anything for ripped from my arms! Thankfully a couple years back his adoptive father got in touch and my child is back in my life, hes grown now, but it has helped

Its through this forum I learned about marcissists and realised that fits my birth women perfectly!

 

[RitaM]

I think we may have spoken briefly before. I too wonder why I wasn't adopted and went through a period in my life where I felt a lot of anger about it. I grieve the childhood I never had. I was my mum's sounding board/emotional support and my dad's plaything/punchbag. I have no idea what it feels like to be loved by a parent, although I was lucky enough to have a very loving grandmother at least. I get stupidly jealous when other people talk about their families, and irritated by people who don't understand why I can't cope at times when they have a loving family to turn to. I really sympathise.