FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Last night and earlier tonight I couldn't fucking do it!!!!
Last night I was mentally ready, but I got distracted by my ex. I was speaking to my cat's urn saying that I miss him and I'll be joining you at the "happy place." That made me feel so fucking free and ready. Imagining us just being together happy in the next world as I get to finally pet, kiss, and play with him.
My ex spoke to me after I messaged her some things. We spoke until 3 am and by that time, I felt a sense of happiness for the simple fact that I got to speak to her. While the conversation was about her stopping me from doing it and finding happiness elsewhere, I still felt hope. Eventually I became very tired and hungry because I haven't eaten since more than 12 hours ago. So I got food and went home to shower and sleep.
The next day one of my fucking friends called the cops on me early in the morning while I was still sleeping. She became worried because of the message I've left her the previous night initially by voicemail which implied it was goodbye, then texted her much later that I was going to sleep, don't call the paramedics. She freaked the fuck out because of the voicemail and still called the fucking cops. They were banging loudly on the door in the morning and woke both my roommate and I. I spoke to them and expressed my annoyance because of how early it was and I was just sleeping. Asked me a series of questions which I easily said "no" to each one, because once you say you have suicidal thoughts, feel depressed, or have thought or currently want to kill yourself, they'll immediately check you in the fucking hospital. I didn't make the same mistake like last time. I acted fine as well and lied my way through the "conversation." Eventually they left. Called my friend and told her before to never call the cops explaining why not to do that. She apologized countless times and knew she broke my trust. Tried to make me text her my address because she still doesn't know where I live. I said no. If I did want to meet with you, it'll be some place else. Continued to apologize and understood if I didn't want to talk to her again -- and so I didn't.
This is the second mistake I've made telling someone about my thoughts even when my mind has changed later on. No more.
Took a while to get back to sleep. Once I woke up, I felt the sense of happiness and hope still existing, but I was also anxious for the rest of the day. I made a plan to try and get my ex something to eat because she mentioned how sick she feels each day worrying about me to the point that the thought of food is nauseating for her. I accepted it's my fault so I thought I could get her something to eat for lunch. Messaged her multiple times, no response. Until much later on she finally said last night was not an opening for me to speak to her. The only reason she responded is because of my plan. The only reason she keeps me in her friends list is because she can't get the courage to remove or block me and that's the only reason. That part hurt quite a lot. Then she finally blocked me on Discord. Yet she still kept me on Steam and my number unblocked (as far as I know). She's still probably afraid to completely block me off, but that was a step for her I'm sure. She had said some really mean things, but I deserved it in the end.
At this point, I felt the pain of rejection come back. Drove to a nearby park, prepped myself mentally and physically and said my good byes. I was on that spot for five fucking hours getting my mental readiness back from the previous night. I spoke to my cat's urn saying I'll join you in your happy place and giving it kisses to feel close to him, I looked at the sky to get a sense of freedom, I've thought about every single person here committing and succeeding being free for everything now, I've practiced in my mind how quickly I'll pull the trigger instead, then tried it physically below the trigger, imagined closing my eyes as it's in my mouth as something that will help me permanently sleep, then placed the loaded gun in my mouth and tried to pull about 2 mm in, BUT I JUST COULD NOT FUCKING DO IT!!! I felt my body get tingly and my face warm. Adrenaline? I felt numb at this point. Eventually feeling very tired and starting to slightly doze off on the seat. Finally I got pissed at myself. I fucking realized that I'm too god damn afraid even when there's so much pain and misery in me. I drove home angry and tried to contact an online friend about it all. Instead, I'm planning on moving to the country that she lives in for a fresh fucking start. On my way home, all the numbness left me and I began feeling hurt and rejected once again. Fuck this.
I'm so fucking angry at myself. I could not fucking do it no matter what I do, no matter how much in pain I'm fucking in. I LIVE TO FUCKING SUFFER AND I FUCKING HATE IT!!! This is why I need someone else to do it for me. So someone please fucking help! I still need to do it, I just can't. At least not with a fucking gun. Give me SN or whatever pills to help me sleep forever.
I'm home now binging The fucking Boys again while I feel all these god damn emotions. I'm so fucking tired of it all!!!
