No matter how many volumes, it's not possible for me to convey what troubles me about myself, the world, and how I am (un)able to function within it.
The only true understanding I could hope you will gain will be like catching a glimpse of an image in the periphery of vision through the most distant image in an infinity of mirrors in a smoke-filled room as you're spinning around. A vague impression of. . . what, exactly?
Still, I feel I should try, not so much as a justification but as a consolation of sorts. Yet even an explanation is beyond my ability, so how can I offer consolation?
The truth is lost in the tedium of the tale, so if I stray and offer stories as illustrations, please stop me. I'll be here, somewhere, in the spaces between the words.
____________________________________________
I insist that I am not depressed. Doctors insist I am. Nearly all of the symptoms are personally relatable. For a layperson's understanding of MDD symptoms, see https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases...pert-answers/clinical-depression/faq-20057770
Of note is the clarification that "It isn't the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder." (Emphasis mine.) I suffer from and am being treated for hypothyroidism. Antidepressants made me off-the-page suicidal. Psychotherapy was unhelpful in making my life more livable.
While it may be argued that MDD is concurrent with hypothyroidism, I would like to point out that the Mayo Clinic article indicates that antidepressants and psychological counseling usually help to alleviate symptoms. This is puzzling, as recent articles (and even a commercial for a new drug to be added to a antidepressant regimen) indicate that the effectiveness of antidepressants is 25-33%. It works for people half the time, and then half of those half find it ceases to be effective). I'm not going to site all the research but will put this out there: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/obsessively-yours/201001/five-reasons-not-take-ssris
So whether hypothyroidism is mimicking or masking MDD, who knows? Either way, like with most people, the treatment isn't effective. I've tried several different antidepressants with results ranging from becoming zombie-like to inducing anxiety attacks.
_____________________________________________
Speaking of anxiety, persistent inner turmoil and pensiveness have been my constant companions for as long as I can remember. A great deal of my time is spent trying to alternately deal with, manage, or avoid circumstances which terrify me. It has severely limited what I can or am willing to do.
On outward appearance I may seem highly competent, insightful, and in possession of a good sense of humor, that is, until one were to look closer.
_____________________________________________
A mess of a mind.
I'd hoped to find a truth, an absolute one, upon which I could rely. I've tried various philosophies and religions on for size. (Aren't you glad to be spared volumes of crap here?).
The end result of all this rumination is: "I don't know."
Not only have I not found a solid foundation upon which to live my life, but am left frustrated, tired, confused, and resigned to my ignorance. This malaise is exacerbated by other health concerns and a fear of becoming unable to execute, as it were, my wishes in the future.
______________________________________________
Decades.
Low self-esteem, anxiety, hopelessness, and some mysterious, unexplained psychic distress have made living my life extraordinarily challenging.
My survival depended upon making my world smaller and smaller, until I now find myself trying to balance all of my past, present, and future along with its relationships and responsibilities, thoughts, spirituality while balancing on the head of a pin.
While I admit that I ought to be able to go on for another few years (or even a decade), I find myself coming to a conclusion because I am exhausted.
Honestly, I cannot say whether it is an unwillingness or an inability to continue. There are decisions to be made, pressing decisions, yet I've been in this loop for years now.
I am terrified of the future. My only reason to continue is to fulfill the obligations I feel I ought to shoulder for the benefit of others, even though no one takes the same interest in or feels the same obligation for me.
I am frightened, feel completely alone, and have no idea what the right decision is, not for me or anyone else.
Maybe that explains why suicide is my answer, not today, but someday.
The only true understanding I could hope you will gain will be like catching a glimpse of an image in the periphery of vision through the most distant image in an infinity of mirrors in a smoke-filled room as you're spinning around. A vague impression of. . . what, exactly?
Still, I feel I should try, not so much as a justification but as a consolation of sorts. Yet even an explanation is beyond my ability, so how can I offer consolation?
The truth is lost in the tedium of the tale, so if I stray and offer stories as illustrations, please stop me. I'll be here, somewhere, in the spaces between the words.
____________________________________________
I insist that I am not depressed. Doctors insist I am. Nearly all of the symptoms are personally relatable. For a layperson's understanding of MDD symptoms, see https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases...pert-answers/clinical-depression/faq-20057770
Of note is the clarification that "It isn't the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder." (Emphasis mine.) I suffer from and am being treated for hypothyroidism. Antidepressants made me off-the-page suicidal. Psychotherapy was unhelpful in making my life more livable.
While it may be argued that MDD is concurrent with hypothyroidism, I would like to point out that the Mayo Clinic article indicates that antidepressants and psychological counseling usually help to alleviate symptoms. This is puzzling, as recent articles (and even a commercial for a new drug to be added to a antidepressant regimen) indicate that the effectiveness of antidepressants is 25-33%. It works for people half the time, and then half of those half find it ceases to be effective). I'm not going to site all the research but will put this out there: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/obsessively-yours/201001/five-reasons-not-take-ssris
So whether hypothyroidism is mimicking or masking MDD, who knows? Either way, like with most people, the treatment isn't effective. I've tried several different antidepressants with results ranging from becoming zombie-like to inducing anxiety attacks.
_____________________________________________
Speaking of anxiety, persistent inner turmoil and pensiveness have been my constant companions for as long as I can remember. A great deal of my time is spent trying to alternately deal with, manage, or avoid circumstances which terrify me. It has severely limited what I can or am willing to do.
On outward appearance I may seem highly competent, insightful, and in possession of a good sense of humor, that is, until one were to look closer.
_____________________________________________
A mess of a mind.
I'd hoped to find a truth, an absolute one, upon which I could rely. I've tried various philosophies and religions on for size. (Aren't you glad to be spared volumes of crap here?).
The end result of all this rumination is: "I don't know."
Not only have I not found a solid foundation upon which to live my life, but am left frustrated, tired, confused, and resigned to my ignorance. This malaise is exacerbated by other health concerns and a fear of becoming unable to execute, as it were, my wishes in the future.
______________________________________________
Decades.
Low self-esteem, anxiety, hopelessness, and some mysterious, unexplained psychic distress have made living my life extraordinarily challenging.
My survival depended upon making my world smaller and smaller, until I now find myself trying to balance all of my past, present, and future along with its relationships and responsibilities, thoughts, spirituality while balancing on the head of a pin.
While I admit that I ought to be able to go on for another few years (or even a decade), I find myself coming to a conclusion because I am exhausted.
Honestly, I cannot say whether it is an unwillingness or an inability to continue. There are decisions to be made, pressing decisions, yet I've been in this loop for years now.
I am terrified of the future. My only reason to continue is to fulfill the obligations I feel I ought to shoulder for the benefit of others, even though no one takes the same interest in or feels the same obligation for me.
I am frightened, feel completely alone, and have no idea what the right decision is, not for me or anyone else.
Maybe that explains why suicide is my answer, not today, but someday.
