IwantSomething
Member
- Aug 7, 2022
- 16
Hey it's me. Again. I signed up for this thinking I would read some of these things and maybe comment once or twice but the way you all seem to not hate me for everything has led to me posting on here more then I thought I would. I've always had a really bad relationship with my parents. I was adopted firstly. Not because they wanted a family just because they wanted a pet. I was a blonde haired blue eyed and white baby girl. Everything a white cop and his southern wife would want. They were caring and kind in public but at the house it was different. They would yell constantly and put locks on any food so I couldn't get it. They had locks on the pantry and handcuffs on the fridge. I wasn't allowed to eat without permission which led to me having a not great relationship with food as you can imagine. I also always had a chubby build even if I was starving myself. Nowadays I'm healthy physically just chubby. All my blood work says I'm good and physically I'm in average condition no issues. So already they weren't happy with that. Then when I was around ten I learned what being trans was and all my childhood sort of got summed up. I thought they would still treat me the same. Suprise they didn't. Things got worse I was ten years old and now they were starving me more then before getting me rebaptised sending me to conversion camps and kicking me out of the house. They never permanently kicked me out they just would start screaming and threatening me to the point where I had to leave and would walk to my neighbors house and call a friend. (They told me if I ever contacted family they would kill me) and I would stay with a friend for a few days under the guise of my parents being called away for work or something similar. At 14 things got so much worse then I thought possible though. It seemed like at fourteen they decided they shouldn't do anything anymore. I had already been mentally struggling for a long time I tried to shoot myself in sixth grade and had a few attempts before that and many many after. But at fourteen they just gave up. Now they weren't doing anything which was almost worse they wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge me or anything. I began smuggling food in the house thanks to my neighbors who had moved in a year ago and thought my parents just didn't allow junk food. They would give me Raman packets and a few other things. I had another friend who would give me a blanket during the winter so I wouldn't be to cold at night and sometimes bring me a toaster strudel or hot cocoa in the morning at the bus stop. But at fourteen parents seemed to pick up that I would survive regardless of how they treated me so they stopped letting me eat period. They stopped buying me clothes or shoes. So pretty much every day I would walk to the mall near me and try to invite a friend most of the time someone would come. They would but me a cheap dinner and I would always say I was full and pack up most of it to raition till the next time I could go. I would shoplift things too at one point I think I was hoping to get arrested at least in prison I have basic nessecities. But I never was. Soon my friends stopped responding and they all disappeared too. I have a few friends that I'm couch surfing on now since I'm an adult and my parents have fully removed me from their life. I always joke about how my living situation is just me being lonely but my friends honestly don't seem to care. They only ever talk to me when they need to vent or when they have good news about themselves. I can't say anything unless it's a joke or praise. I'm not sure why but I'm starting to slip really deep again. My mental health was already pretty bad but recently I've been going deeper and deeper. I'm not sure what to do. My dysphoria is horrible and I can't afford any hormone treatment or surgery. So I still look very feminine I try my best to present masculine but I have a bigger chest so even binding doesn't work well. I have a feminine face shape and a high pitched voice that I can't seem to get down no matter how hard I try. Though I suppose that's good considering I'm going to have to resort to SW again soon. I've never done full on SW but I think I'm going to have too. I have no source of income and I can't keep leaching off friends who are clearly getting sick of me. SW is the only job I've ever had that paid me enough to get a small shitty apartment. It's the only job I could get without my highschool diploma too. It had a lot of risks and I was put in a lot of bad situations but I could handle myself most of the time. This sounds so rambling and all over the place I don't know why I'm typing this I think I just need a place to get my thoughts down and hear others advice or opinions on it. I don't know what my point was when I started this. I feel a little better to be honest. Not much but a little. Hopefully I can find somewhere else to stay or at least a job that I can walk too so I can make a little money to give my friends when I stay with them.
