Help Why should I want to recover?

[anhedonicNfoggy]

Idk logically, I should want to be happy and try to be positive and view life as a good thing. Bc that's what normal ppl do

But so many times — events or things people say to me — I get hurt. I break down and cry. I get very exhausted. When I was younger, if I wanted to cry, I had the stamina to cry for hours. Now, just a minute is draining enough. I guess the point I'm making is the reason I ever cry is bc I had expectations in the first place. I had expectations that I am capable of being who I want to be or that the people that I have trusted have my back. But what's scary too is I can't figure out who I wanna be — like some stuff looks good on paper but is it really that fun irl. I just don't know what I wanna do. I don't have any career aspirations. I have tried and tried exploring. And trust me the only thing that keeps me going with college is just discipline. I don't really know if I have interests ig. I feel like anything I try dabbling into just feels like a waste of energy. It feels like a waste of effort doing it and waste of effort seeing the end result. It's just um all boring. And I know I'm not exaggerating bc I used to feel the buzz in my brain many years ago. I've accepted it somewhat and gotten accustomed to it. But then all I do is lay in bed to pass the time. And regular people think that's weird and that I'm lazy. I wanna fit in so that's why I care about career/interests even tho I don't really care about any of those. I have talked to a fair amount of people online and irl. It's not even about smth like I can't make a friend. It's the fact that I have and all of them always end with no positive closure. Maybe ghosting or just drifting apart or moving away. It's like why bother opening up to someone or putting in the consistent effort to even have a friend if it's not gonna pay off in the end. I'd rather just not use that energy up. And also the people who start arguments — insults or non constructive criticism — really hurt my self worth and they're either don't think they did anything wrong or they apologize to ease their own conscience. Idk yea you might say oh, misanthropy is bad. You have to be a loving, positive person. I'm just tired of that rhetoric. I feel like there's two kinds of people. The first kind is the consistently mean kind who constantly jumps up and down between acting somewhat nice and then being outright horrible. The second kind is the people you think are nice but out of nowhere, they say or do something out of character. I mean, yes I do know there are people who come to my mind who are honestly good people who have only given me good feelings. But still, naturally, my brain fixates on the many people who've been bad to me. Bc when they say smth mean to me, then that means what they said about me is true. Whereas if someone is a good person, what they say to me doesn't reflect that I'm good enough and it just means whatever they say means they are kind.

I also feel like venting (not on a forum specifically but also private online journaling so I can read over and over again) and ruminating just helps me not "forget" how badly I felt before. That way I can diligently work on my plan and execute. I somehow also feel a sense of purpose when I work on the plan. I don't plan on executing anytime imminent and I am seriously researching. I somehow feel drive and feel like I am working towards a goal. In a way, I feel good working on it because I truly do want non-existence. Whereas if you were to ask me to work on my resume, I won't bc I have no drive or motive for doing it. It's just a chore to me. I feel sorta alone bc the people around me irl actually have ambition and dreams of what job they want to do in the future.

Btw sorry for the bad grammar and run-ons and random hyphens. Sorry, what I wrote is pretty long and incoherent. I was just writing whatever my thoughts were instead of organizing beforehand.

 

[timf]

People can become fixated on a point in life that leads them to put too much hope in one thing and neglect others things. For example, a person may feel that their life will blossom into sunlight once they get their college degree only to discover that a degree in Albanian literature fails to get them the rosy financial future for which they hoped.

If one focuses on a ctb plan, one can both neglect the experimentation necessary to discover ways to make things better as well begin to feel that one's plan is going to be the only solution to life's difficulties.

You might discover aspects of life to be rewarding of which you had not considered before. For example taking a liesure class in cooking, pottery, scuba diving, or welding might cause you to discover a passion you did not even know you had.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

Life is painful. It's hard work. A chore. Bit some people get something out of it somehow

 

[Andro_USYD]

I'm really sorry to hear that you feel very negatively about getting into arguments and not having aspirations. It's really good U have the discipline to go through college, I'm going to uni at the moment and yesterday the bus driver shouted at me for cutting the que for the bus. When it was my time to get off the bus he refused to open the back doors and told me to come out front where I was expecting a confrontation so I kindly thanked him and tapped my Opal card off and simply walked off the bus. I felt a little bit shit for his attitude towards me but I understood that he's a bus driver and I'm a computer scientist and that he was simply sticking up for all the people queuing in the line.

A lot of the time it's best never to argue, simply respect their position and make Ur own decision. It doesn't matter if they're blatantly wrong, just think deeper about why they may be saying these things to you and improve and learn everyday.

Antidepressants or diazapam (valium) can help you keep your cool when someone is arguing with you and if they do it constantly, and it's someone U know like your parents just cut them off . Say as little as possible, don't worry about what they say, silence is truly the key.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like because I'm a very gentle person and I think that's what you need - someone who is gentle as U have a sweet heart but get hurt easily.

It really isn't a bad thing if you want to cover up Ur emotions with an antidepressant or something, if you cry a lot this is a key sign U might be lacking in seretonin. I personally can't cry. I'm on the maximum dosage allowed and am pretty much an emotionless robot . I remember how bad that use to make me feel however so I can totally sympathize.

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I'm really sorry to hear that you feel very negatively about getting into arguments and not having aspirations. It's really good U have the discipline to go through college, I'm going to uni at the moment and yesterday the bus driver shouted at me for cutting the que for the bus. When it was my time to get off the bus he refused to open the back doors and told me to come out front where I was expecting a confrontation so I kindly thanked him and tapped my Opal card off and simply walked off the bus. I felt a little bit shit for his attitude towards me but I understood that he's a bus driver and I'm a computer scientist and that he was simply sticking up for all the people queuing in the line.

A lot of the time it's best never to argue, simply respect their position and make Ur own decision. It doesn't matter if they're blatantly wrong, just think deeper about why they may be saying these things to you and improve and learn everyday.

Antidepressants or diazapam (valium) can help you keep your cool when someone is arguing with you and if they do it constantly, and it's someone U know like your parents just cut them off . Say as little as possible, don't worry about what they say, silence is truly the key.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like because I'm a very gentle person and I think that's what you need - someone who is gentle as U have a sweet heart but get hurt easily.

It really isn't a bad thing if you want to cover up Ur emotions with an antidepressant or something, if you cry a lot this is a key sign U might be lacking in seretonin. I personally can't cry. I'm on the maximum dosage allowed and am pretty much an emotionless robot . I remember how bad that use to make me feel however so I can totally sympathize.

Hi, thanks for the advice. I understand that rationally, I should just calm down. But even if l try to stay calm during the confrontation, I'll think about what they say like all day and it'll just reinforce whatever bad things I think about myself. I just feel like a total loser that can never be accepted and be thought of as a normal person. I try to be a little better when the exhaustion is a little easier to handle. But I notice no one notices my efforts and they still complain I'm the same I guess. Ok they don't always say that but the moment they reveal this is what they think, I realize this is what they thought of me this whole time. Or maybe on the off chance I don't think I'm that bad of a person, they imply thru their actions that they're sorta bearing with me and don't have respect for me. I'm being kinda vague. It's just a bunch of little things multiple people say once in a while that somehow all connect to this negative image I have of myself. I also take an antidepressant. I'm on 100 mg Zoloft. My psychiatrist is kinda odd imo. There's a check up I need to schedule every three months. She usually doesn't remember my name. She probably listens to my symptoms for a total of 5 minutes and it's done. My last psychiatrist would make sure a monthly check up is done and they'll recommend dosages or switching based on my symptoms. I feel almost like antidepressants don't work because even though I'm taking them daily for a long time, I'm getting suicidal ideation. It's not even like anything major happened. It's summer break and yet more than anything, I just want to be gone. Therapy never seemed to help too. They'd schedule like every other week bc they're filled up and I've noticed despite switching multiple times, all therapists do mainly is just listen and give the old generic advice. If this job requires a degree, why aren't they serious about giving professional strategies? I don't want to do their job for them and ask everything w/o them knowing what to do themselves. I already know the cognitive distortions stuff online but writing that doesn't make me feel better. If it seems everyone looks down on me, how can I like myself? And this whole expectation over a job and hobbies is frustrating. I don't want to do any of that and therapists are incapable of understanding that. I feel like I don't even want to bother even mentioning how seriously I've contemplated suicide to my psychiatrist bc back when I was feeling kinda alright but passively still wanted to die, she said I don't have ideation. She just didn't take it seriously and I just feel like when I'm at my lowest no one irl is there for me. If people anyways say talk to a professional instead but professionals just treat it as some 9-5 job, then like how can I expect to cope properly without a supportive network to reassure me my negative thoughts are distorted.

 

[SarRy]

Well, why not try to live? Not living well hurts. Yes, some people are not nice and do mean things. It's because they're not focused on other people. Yes, even good people do bad things. It seems like you know you're focusing on the negative. Of course, that's never going to work. Count the blessings not the curses and hopefully the good will outweigh the bad. It seems like you should know that you don't really lose by trying things out.

Don't know what you like? Try things out. Of course, some things don't work out. If all the good can not matter, then all the bad stuff can not matter too. Look at the world. There is a bunch of good and a bunch of bad. The world keeps spinning. Maybe, that means it's all alright somehow. I don't know if this applies, but if you can see the good in yourself, then maybe you can see that in others. As much as it's unhelpful advice, it's also kind of true. Sometimes it helps to just not think about all the problems. Think about something else. Rumination only serves a purpose if you're finding solutions.

Yes, having a way out can make a person feel secure. Still, if the end is an option, why not try everything else?

Give the world, and yourself, a break.

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

Well, why not try to live? Not living well hurts. Yes, some people are not nice and do mean things. It's because they're not focused on other people. Yes, even good people do bad things. It seems like you know you're focusing on the negative. Of course, that's never going to work. Count the blessings not the curses and hopefully the good will outweigh the bad. It seems like you should know that you don't really lose by trying things out.

Don't know what you like? Try things out. Of course, some things don't work out. If all the good can not matter, then all the bad stuff can not matter too. Look at the world. There is a bunch of good and a bunch of bad. The world keeps spinning. Maybe, that means it's all alright somehow. I don't know if this applies, but if you can see the good in yourself, then maybe you can see that in others. As much as it's unhelpful advice, it's also kind of true. Sometimes it helps to just not think about all the problems. Think about something else. Rumination only serves a purpose if you're finding solutions.

Yes, having a way out can make a person feel secure. Still, if the end is an option, why not try everything else?

Give the world, and yourself, a break.

Somehow it's so hard to feel the blessings. I should somehow be grateful I have a house over my head and I don't have to worry about tuition. I don't know, I could write it down everyday and say it as a mantra. But I can't believe it and I always slip back. It's so much effort and energy just to try to see the good in the world. I am just kinda sick of always trying. There's just too much — trying to think positive, trying not to focus on the negative, responsibilities, basic needs. Somehow, I'd rather opt out of all that. Well, if they didn't insult me, I wouldn't dislike them. Yeah, no one's perfect but still somehow I feel the world is against me despite it being irrational. Something in me, no matter how much I try to change, just makes people look down on me and probably laugh at me behind my back. If I think about everything else, there's still too many factors at play. There's also expectation. I feel like I won't amount to anything. I feel like everyone around me is so obsessed with being "successful". My field is already oversaturated and competitive. I'm in computer science. I don't know, I'm dumb and bad at everything. At best, I can pass my classes. But that's it. I feel like the more I get older, all those experiences will only just reinforce how much a failure I am and the stark difference of when I was a kid and thought I had potential. It'll even be embarrassing too bc people will be like wow, she's still like this. I'd rather just focus on one thing. I don't need to worry about getting along, connecting, not being judged, being accepted by people. I don't have to do anything anymore once I'm dead. No more responsibilities or need to do basic things like eat or get out of bed. A single task I need to properly plan and execute.

 

[SarRy]

Somehow it's so hard to feel the blessings. I should somehow be grateful I have a house over my head and I don't have to worry about tuition. I don't know, I could write it down everyday and say it as a mantra. But I can't believe it and I always slip back. It's so much effort and energy just to try to see the good in the world. I am just kinda sick of always trying. There's just too much — trying to think positive, trying not to focus on the negative, responsibilities, basic needs. Somehow, I'd rather opt out of all that. Well, if they didn't insult me, I wouldn't dislike them. Yeah, no one's perfect but still somehow I feel the world is against me despite it being irrational. Something in me, no matter how much I try to change, just makes people look down on me and probably laugh at me behind my back. If I think about everything else, there's still too factors at play. There's expectation. I feel like I won't amount to anything. I feel like everyone around me is so obsessed with being "successful". My field is already oversaturated and competitive. I'm in computer science. I don't know, I'm dumb and bad at everything. At best, I can pass my classes. But that's it. I feel like the more I get older, all those experiences will only just reinforce how much a failure I am and the stark difference of when I was a kid and thought I had potential. It'll even be embarrassing too bc people will be like wow, she's still like this. I'd rather just focus on one thing. I don't need to worry about getting along, connecting, not being judged, being accepted by people. I don't have to do anything anymore once I'm dead. No more responsibilities or need to do basic things like eat or get out of bed. A single task I need to properly plan and execute.

Sounds like you might want to try changing your expectations. Maybe you don't need to do everything you think you do. Can't feel the bright side? Well, try just not focusing on the bad. It's kind of like trying not to think of anything, the only way to do it is to think of something else entirely. School life is terrible. The job markets are terrible. Fine, do something else. A degree isn't a life sentence. You really never know how life will go. All it takes to keep living is to literally do anything other than die. Take a lesson from the fools. We can't know, or understand this world, but we can just live and find out what happens.

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

Sounds like you might want to try changing your expectations. Maybe you don't need to do everything you think you do. Can't feel the bright side? Well, try just not focusing on the bad. It's kind of like trying not to think of anything, the only way to do it is to think of something else entirely. School life is terrible. The job markets are terrible. Fine, do something else. A degree isn't a life sentence. You really never know how life will go. All it takes to keep living is to literally do anything other than die. Take a lesson from the fools. We can't know, or understand this world, but we can just live and find out what happens.

I can't change my expectations if they're the same expectations everyone else around me has. That's the norm. Naturally most of us want acceptance if we live in an area with people. Thinking of something else is just distracting and it's hard to do that if I can't feel interested. Do something else? It's not that simple. The cost of living is high here and idk not many jobs pay enough and besides almost everyone I know is in that so it's hard to get guidance elsewhere and it's not like I like other fields. I would say computer science is just more bearable than biology or history but I wouldn't say I enjoy it. I get that you're saying try different things, but I really have thought about all of this before. It's not simple. And it's really really hard. Like 1:10,000 for a job

 

[SarRy]

I can't change my expectations if they're the same expectations everyone else around me has. That's the norm. Naturally most of us want acceptance if we live in an area with people. Thinking of something else is just distracting and it's hard to do that if I can't feel interested. Do something else? It's not that simple. The cost of living is high here and idk not many jobs pay enough and besides almost everyone I know is in that so it's hard to get guidance elsewhere and it's not like I like other fields. I would say computer science is just more bearable than biology or history but I wouldn't say I enjoy it. I get that you're saying try different things, but I really have thought about all of this before. It's not simple. And it's really really hard. Like 1:10,000 for a job

I do understand. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do hope that as long as you have any thought of living that you give it a try. Remember, it's your life. It's not always so complicated, sometimes, it's just hard. The fact that you posted in the recovery section shows there's some chance that you can work things out. You're still here and you never know what can happen.

 

[Andro_USYD]

I can totally understand therapists are not all that helpful and sometimes not psychiatrists either, I'm fortunate to have a real good psychiatrist, I had 2 terrible ones , now I've got one that's incredibly liberal. He knows I have an addiction to Xanax so he prescribes me valium instead so I don't have to have it. Some psychiatrists would just not give it to me nor my ADHD meds or in my case ADD stimulants. That's y U have people like me on this forum to help U.

It seems U have a general apathy in life and don't really have any aspirations in Ur life and I can totally understand that & it sucks which is why I recommend a natural drug called kratom. Kratom is an Indonesian herb that has opioid-like effects. It boosts Ur mood, it makes things that are insufferable bareable its honestly really good and might be legal in Ur country.

Honestly if I were U i'd just sign up and do a degree in computer science like what I'm doing. Travelling to uni..., learning etc. It all makes U have "something to do" when I wasn't in uni I felt no purpose constantly bored like crazy and I was probably almost like you tbh. When I found uni I was bamboozled with assignments, met new people. It gave me so much more purpose. I highly recommend going to university to get urself doing something at least!

And I'm in my 20s so I experiment with meds a bit: kratom, ADHD stimulants make U literally enjoy the work. Perhaps Ur problem is a lack of dopamine in Ur brain. That controls the reward part of Ur brain and when that's naturally not as active as other people's then it's considered AD(H)D. To be honest even a non ADHD person would technically benefit from a little prescription stimulants. But they're hard to get. PM me if U like and I can tell U how to get them.

I've definitely heard of Zoloft, I'm on Duoloxitine personally but it sounds like urs aren't having the desired effect. Well Zoloft can cause boredom. But kratom is honestly the most harmless boredom killer out there.

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I can totally understand therapists are not all that helpful and sometimes not psychiatrists either, I'm fortunate to have a real good psychiatrist, I had 2 terrible ones , now I've got one that's incredibly liberal. He knows I have an addiction to Xanax so he prescribes me valium instead so I don't have to have it. Some psychiatrists would just not give it to me nor my ADHD meds or in my case ADD stimulants. That's y U have people like me on this forum to help U.

It seems U have a general apathy in life and don't really have any aspirations in Ur life and I can totally understand that & it sucks which is why I recommend a natural drug called kratom. Kratom is an Indonesian herb that has opioid-like effects. It boosts Ur mood, it makes things that are insufferable bareable its honestly really good and might be legal in Ur country.

Honestly if I were U i'd just sign up and do a degree in computer science like what I'm doing. Travelling to uni..., learning etc. It all makes U have "something to do" when I wasn't in uni I felt no purpose constantly bored like crazy and I was probably almost like you tbh. When I found uni I was bamboozled with assignments, met new people. It gave me so much more purpose. I highly recommend going to university to get urself doing something at least!

And I'm in my 20s so I experiment with meds a bit: kratom, ADHD stimulants make U literally enjoy the work. Perhaps Ur problem is a lack of dopamine in Ur brain. That controls the reward part of Ur brain and when that's naturally not as active as other people's then it's considered AD(H)D. To be honest even a non ADHD person would technically benefit from a little prescription stimulants. But they're hard to get. PM me if U like and I can tell U how to get them.

I've definitely heard of Zoloft, I'm on Duoloxitine personally but it sounds like urs aren't having the desired effect. Well Zoloft can cause boredom. But kratom is honestly the most harmless boredom killer out there.

Thanks, that's true.

I'll look into Kratom. It seems it's not protected by the FDA. The issue tho is it'll be difficult to find trustable vendors. Although its an atypical opioid, I'm a little worried about the possibility of addiction. But I'm open to at least trying it once.

I'm actually halfway done with my degree. I'm going to head into my 3rd year. Well, when I was in uni (at home rn bc summer break is not done yet) I guess bc I was more busy, it helped a bit. But still I deal with the exhaustion. The only thing I really did was just get homework done, study for exams, attend for the exam. It's tiring to wake up and get ready for a class. I had to do that for discussions tho bc quizzes but I'll still crash when I get back. For lectures tho, I'd rarely go and just tried to learn from the book or slides or YouTube. Literally I've mainly just got work done and stayed in bed. It kinda scares me seeing people walking around campus and being in a hall full of a hundred students. I would rarely go to the dining hall bc people and lack of appetite but that leads to random stomach growling and so that's another reason I don't want to be outside. I have done on and off making friends in the beginning but it just only resulted in me further feeling disconnected. It also takes up energy.

I heard tho that for stimulants, even if they increase dopamine, they also increase anxiety. I would need a prescription for this one, so I could ask my psychiatrist but she'll probably dismiss it.

I actually haven't heard of Duoloxitine. But yeah, it's definitely worth considering kratom.