NSFW Why people miss or like being abused ?

[FoxSauce]

TW: I knew this is messed to think about but do people like being abused?

If this question triggers you, please leave I dont want to make anyone fell distressed.


When I was a kid my mom would sometimes insult me and my siblings when she was really angry, called us names and threats of violence or hitting us sometimes.


I remeber one time I didnt do something right and she said: what am I gonna do with you? I didnt mean this to be bratty but I asked: "Aren't you gonna hit me?" "You can if it makes you feel better." Which she said ok and did so. Its unsettling but when she left I started to smile.

Sometimes in a way enjoy not in a sexual way but makes me feel sick with myself. I feel deep down that I deserve it.

Im not mocking abuse or anything like that at all my mom can be sometimes emotionally abusive. I realized later one sometimes when i dont do what she wants she would ignore you or not apeak to you or treat other people good and you would feel left out.


Idk this post is kinda long I ust wanna make sense of it.


Edit: I have no clue if its even abuse but i mentioned it to my psychologist qnd he replied she is emotionally abusive.
I still have a hardtime believing it. Since tbh i think it wasnt that bad.

If I didnt explained myself correctly let me know

 

[dewdrop]

This has been on my mind lately, too, so i felt a little relieved when this thread popped up, like I'm not the only one experiencing these conflicted feelings. I've always felt ashamed of myself for missing being abused, or even fantasizing about it. i don't know why. It was terrifying and awful, don't get me wrong, but there is something about it that I yearn for. I don't know if it's the attention I got or my brain just got conditioned to the treatment, but I've never told anyone, because I feel so guilty about it.

Like you mentioned in your post, a big part of it for me is feeling like I'm getting what I deserve. I guess it makes me feel better because I'm being hurt so I don't need to feel guilty, I'm "atoning" for the bad things I've done, and it distracts me from my own feelings towards myself. Maybe similarly to self harm, it provided some sort of emotional relief.

I think i also just miss being a kid. I traumabonded a lot with my abuser and I associate them with safety and my childhood. I think my brain just involuntarily "age regresses" sometimes, as embarrassing as that is, and maybe I miss someone having that power over me. It's something I feel really stupid even admitting on here. I just want to get beaten up sometimes.

I'm really sorry you went through this, and are still experiencing these confusing feelings. I really think it is normal for abuse victims to have these kinds of thoughts. Abuse distorts your perception of everything and fundamentally changes how your brain develops. I hope you are doing okay. <3

 

[identity0]

At least when someone is abusing you they are paying attention to you, and willingly expending effort on interacting with you.

 

[Haematemesis]

i wonder the reason behind it because i self sabotage my life because of this too often

 

[RoseGirl]

so real tbh, I think it's probably todo with our brains naturally binding anything our parents do as being positive and caring. As a kid i hated getting choked out but like, now it's so hot :c
As I progressively become a worse person i continue to feel a stronger need to be beat or hit or abused in some kind of way to make up for the pain i've caused others.
I wanna feel myy stupid tears running down my face as i get beat till i can't move. Then i wanna bee cuddled and loved and told everything's gonna be okay :c

+ Being physically hurt kinda takes away the emotional pain when being forced to have sex against ur will and like i feel like that can eventually grow into being its own kink...

 

[FoxSauce]

so real tbh, I think it's probably todo with our brains naturally binding anything our parents do as being positive and caring. As a kid i hated getting choked out but like, now it's so hot :c
As I progressively become a worse person i continue to feel a stronger need to be beat or hit or abused in some kind of way to make up for the pain i've caused others.
I wanna feel myy stupid tears running down my face as i get beat till i can't move. Then i wanna bee cuddled and loved and told everything's gonna be okay :c

+ Being physically hurt kinda takes away the emotional pain when being forced to have sex against ur will and like i feel like that can eventually grow into being its own kink...

Fr?!
I didnt knew that...but for me its not sexual...but i didnt know it can turn to that.

 

[Namelesa]

At least when someone is abusing you they are paying attention to you, and willingly expending effort on interacting with you.

Yea i feel this. I would rather be abused than ignored or abandoned as then i actually matter and of use and not have to feel empty. Being left means I am meaningless.

 

[FoxSauce]

I feel the same way

Makes me feel more disgusted with myself...

Yea i feel this. I would rather be abused than ignored or abandoned as then i actually matter and of use and not have to feel empty. Being left means I am meaningless.