Why now?

[Taki]

It seems either comical or sad (or absurd, I guess that's what comical + sad=) that so many of us hang out here debating what the optimal day or setup of departure is. It's not as if it's never going to happen. Most of us are living like we've already died anyway. I know I am.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Optimal setup = not being discovered until you're DEAD dead, whatever you do

Optimal day, meh. When supplies are in hand, and your personal situation is closed up adequately to your standards.

 

[DaFloof]

It seems either comical or sad (or absurd, I guess that's what comical + sad=) that so many of us hang out here debating what the optimal day or setup of departure is. It's not as if it's never going to happen. Most of us are living like we've already died anyway. I know I am.

I know exactly the thoughts you're experiencing. I've had personal, private chuckles at myself for obsessing over tiny little minutiae like these when contemplating the end of my life, but I think it's natural.

Just by virtue of the fact that we--this community--are all here talking openly about this exceptionally taboo subject, I think most of us are already a little more preoccupied with it than the average person. I think it makes sense that we want it to be 'just right'. After all, many of us--myself included--have gotten so very many things in our lives so very wrong, maybe we find comfort in getting the nuances of our exit spot on perfect. Personally, I find knowing that I'm in charge of my exit in its entirety empowering, at a time when I'm feeling helpless and without recourse.

The bit about living like we've already died, though, resonated very soundly with me. I've been living that way for fifteen years, since an unsuccessful overdose. I've made strides to try to fix all those underlying 'things' that lead to the first try, but depression is a vicious opponent, and always seems to find a way to beat me into despair. All we can really do is either elect to keep on keepin' on... or get on the bus off of this rock. Personally, I'm getting old, and I'm tired of fighting that uphill battle and seeing nothing change, so I lean more and more towards that second option daily. In the meantime, well... I do what I can to make the people around me capable of being happy feel good!

 

[Taki]

Optimal setup = not being discovered until you're DEAD dead, whatever you do

Optimal day, meh. When supplies are in hand, and your personal situation is closed up adequately to your standards.

That's how I see it too. I'm all equipped to do it, a long time ago stopped agonizing about When. I'll just do it when I know it's what's left.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

That's how I see it too. I'm all equipped to do it, a long time ago stopped agonizing about When. I'll just do it when I know it's what's left.

Yeah, like, I was REALLY hard on for Leap Day, but things aren't polished up enough. My transition is going to be easy for me. I'm trying to make it easy for others in logistics, since I know it will hurt emotionally.

I did crunch out my "last" meals, as in good (expensive!) foods, but they didn't have to be the very last chow I stuffed in my filthy gullet. That will be burger king, or whatever is nearby. Who cares? Just need calories.

I never worried about the clothes to wear. All black to conceal the blood might be nice, but there's a very very good chance I'll be found in a state of significant decomposition, so whatever.

 

[your pathologist]

Hope paralyzes me :(

 

[Taki]

Hope paralyzes me :(

What do you mean?

 

[s1mplem3]

It feels like you're just in other country traveling and going home soon.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I am all concerned about hiding spot.

So, I've been pretty open on post history that I'm going to shoot myself, and I think a talented investigator could figure out who I am.

But I'll never disclose my camo ideas. I'll listen to suggestions though.

 

[your pathologist]

What do you mean?

Hope paralyzes me from doing anything about living day to day in this hell. Im in agony, but hope keeps me grinding through it.
Perhaps disbelief?

 

[Taki]

It feels like you're just in other country traveling and going home soon.

I get that, though I've never felt I had a home.

 

[s1mplem3]

I get that, though I've never felt I had a home.

Me too, literally. Everything to me temporarily, no hope, I don't know what to expect from life or death, just doesn't matter anymore, whatever.