It seems either comical or sad (or absurd, I guess that's what comical + sad=) that so many of us hang out here debating what the optimal day or setup of departure is. It's not as if it's never going to happen. Most of us are living like we've already died anyway. I know I am.
I know exactly the thoughts you're experiencing. I've had personal, private chuckles at myself for obsessing over tiny little minutiae like these when contemplating the end of my life, but I think it's natural.
Just by virtue of the fact that we--this community--are all here talking openly about this exceptionally taboo subject, I think most of us are already a little more preoccupied with it than the average person. I think it makes sense that we want it to be 'just right'. After all, many of us--myself included--have gotten so very many things in our lives so very wrong, maybe we find comfort in getting the nuances of our exit spot on perfect. Personally, I find knowing that I'm in charge of my exit in its entirety empowering, at a time when I'm feeling helpless and without recourse.
The bit about living like we've already died, though, resonated very soundly with me. I've been living that way for fifteen years, since an unsuccessful overdose. I've made strides to try to fix all those underlying 'things' that lead to the first try, but depression is a vicious opponent, and always seems to find a way to beat me into despair. All we can really do is either elect to keep on keepin' on... or get on the bus off of this rock. Personally, I'm getting old, and I'm tired of fighting that uphill battle and seeing nothing change, so I lean more and more towards that second option daily. In the meantime, well... I do what I can to make the people around me capable of being happy feel good!
