Why not tonight?

[DragginHeart933]

-----NEW----
Meeting time. 9:30AM EST
Passowrd: SaSu123

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Info:
Fasting? No.. Dominos pizza @ 4am EST
Pre Medicine(s)?: 8:50am EST. A regular swig of zzzquil, 1 50mg trazadone sleep-aid, 3x (0.5mg clonazepam).
method: SN
Total (MINUS emergency plastic bottle (50mg)
Glass 1 + Glass 2 = 125mg SN
Glass 1 is roughly 75mg. Glass 2 is roughly the rest. Probably take them shortly after each other.
If stream goes on and things feel bad.. I got the plastic bottle with 50mg SN I can sip/chug as needed

-----NEW------

I've thought about everything for quite a while... Everything adds up, the absolute silence I get from my wife (soon to be ex-wife) when I pour my heart out.. the indifference it makes when I comply to all of her demands (each and very time we're "allowed" to briefly live in the same house), the flatness of her voice when she called me, letting me know that she has filed divorce papers, every time I reach out to her from the bottom of my heart, squeezing out every ounce of honesty and clarity that I can, only to be gaslighted during our next marriage counseling session - FOR REACHING OUT TO HER and not giving her the 'space' she needed, the space she has had this entire year... the space that has slowly fucked my mind over and eaten up every bit of my will to go on, my trust in people, and my life partner that has always been there to be my unknowning, invisible 'crutch' in this life... she didn't know it, but the only reason I have been suffering through my emotional torment from day to day was to pay to play the game of life, to keep this family unit going, to feel like I'm good for anything - and have a purpose. Papers are filed, texts are ignored, police have showed up for her to document my 'vandalism' that resulted from her complete emotional withdrawal, son is transferred to a school in the same county as her mother's house.

I've nothing else but to realize and accept exactly what my life has become, and ... what if anything, remains? Pain, loneliness, sexual frustration, joblessness after sudden emotional torment at critical times (returning from FMLA for depression/anxiety/suicide attempts), and absolution - the final stroke of a pen.. takes only moments, but erases everything I've ever known, ever hoped for, ever wished for, and always imagined and took for granted that it would be there - forever - just as I promised, and still mean today (at the altar). I never planned for this life, I never felt there would be a need to... In my mind, I was being totally honest, no cheating, I was an open book, I always had more than enough craving and desire bedroom wise.. I don't know. But, its over, that much is sure, and It's been that way since the beginning of the year - When we started 'taking turns' living apart on her terms... no matter who had to leave home, I always felt the pain, I always reached out after dark when things got rough, and I always paid the price for it - with silence, with indifference, with derogative replies/threats/etc, and it always got brought up against me in our weekly marriage counseling which she demanded I do ... as part of 'helping us get back together'. The sessions always... ALWAYS ended up being her opening up a notebook of notes she took.. notes of me reaching out to her in agony, notes of me 'doing exactly against what she needed - space'.... and she knew me good enough after 14 years to know that space is the only thing I couldn't offer at this point... from Jan 2024 to present.. its all been a list of hurdles which I've complied to, and each of them didnt mean a fucking thing at the end of the day. I believe it was all documentation to prove that she 'tried', leading up to this point, and she could document what a beast I am when she plays my heart like a fiddle..

Anyways, I don't know if I'll try tonight, maybe im wrapping things up - clearing cache, deleting things, setting up a macro to record/uplaod... I don't know.. I'll at least drink and rant an hour or two and record my thoughts. Maybe I'll wait for a good day where I can (remotely) have a good Roblox session with my son.. end things on a good note.. I don't have a concrete plan really.. i have a 32oz bottle of SN, but no other meds than what I have on hand.. some propranolol, trazadone, and clonazepam... and of course OTC stuff like ibuprofen/zzzquil and But this is my rant I suppose.

Love you all, YOU ARE WORTH IT - TRUST YOUR GUTS... thanks for reading

If I don't reply to this within a few days its safe to assume I just went for it.

Also I'm making a playlist for my current mood. I'll update as I add more songs. Not sure how to share privately so I'll just put individual links.
If nothing else.. ill bluff, and make yall a badass playlist.
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider
A Perfect Circle - Blue
A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless
Three Days Grace - So Called Life
Staind - Its been A While
Blue October - Hate Me Today - (also like, bc my name is Justin)
Alice In Chains - Them Bones
Silverchair - Ana's Song (Open Fire)
Stone Sour - Through The Glass (acoustic)
Stone Sour - Bother (Official Video)
Five for Fighting - 100 Years (Official Video)
Johnny Cash - Hurt
The All-American Rejects - It Ends Tonight (Official Video)
The All-American Rejects - Move Along (Official Video)

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

The Used - All That I've Got (Official Video)
The Used - Blue And Yellow (Official Video)
Chris Cornell - Patience (Official Video)
Chris Cornell - Nothing Compares To You
Linkin Park - Crawling (Live with Chris Cornell)

Ya'll... This video gave me chills when Chris Cornell came out.. who would have ever known these two would share the same fate.. but when you go back and listen to their amazing music (Chris Cornell / Chester Bennington [Linkin Park]).. how did we NOT know?

Audioslave (Chris Cornell) - Shadow On The Sun
Audioslave - Be yourself
Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days

 

[dreamcatcher90]

Hey there. Losing a partner is tough. I'm alone for a long time now. It's not that bad, I can do whatever I want but it's lonely.

I am in the same situation as you, have everything prepared.. been fasting for three days (consuming energy drinks though) My bday is going to be soon, nobody will be there.
So I'm gaming now, I might write a note and a testament soon. Cleaned my apartment too, so I don't leave a mess.

Not sure what to say more. I wish us strength.

 

[DragginHeart933]

Hey there. Losing a partner is tough. I'm alone for a long time now. It's not that bad, I can do whatever I want but it's lonely.

I am in the same situation as you, have everything prepared.. been fasting for three days (consuming energy drinks though) My bday is going to be soon, nobody will be there.
So I'm gaming now, I might write a note and a testament soon. Cleaned my apartment too, so I don't leave a mess.

Not sure what to say more. I wish us strength.

God speed to you. Glad to have some companions in these days and not feel like I'm unique in feeling like this.

Shoot I havent planned anything.. no fasting.. taking My usual adderall/cymbalta.. drinking tequila.. maybe I should RTFM before doing anything lol

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Is that 32 oz Sn the PC sn? Some said that particular sn brand Is not reliable . But who knows really? Their batch could have been old?

There are other brands that are reliable I'm guessing

 

[DragginHeart933]

Is that 32 oz Sn the PC sn? Some said that particular sn brand Is not reliable . But who knows really? Their batch could have been old?

There are other brands that are reliable I'm guessing

 

[GuessWhosBack]

maybe I should RTFM before doing anything lol

You wouldn't happen to be an Arch linux guy would you?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yeah that's the PC SN some here said was not reliable. But who knows? can anyone who knows chime in?

And u have to remove the image of the SN as it's against the rules to post it publicly

 

[DragginHeart933]

You wouldn't happen to be an Arch linux guy would you?

Lol not particularly.. In my own free time I'm a computer nerd at heart.. Windows 11, WSL2 / Docker Desktop.. not a programmer, but I like to pretend I know what I'm doing (at least to friends they're impressed lol)... Tinker with Stable Diffusion Automatic1111.. Oobabooga LLM, all that fun stuff

Yeah that's the PC SN some here said was not reliable. But who knows? can anyone who knows chime in?

And u have to remove the image of the SN as it's against the rules to post it publicly

Got it. Yeah I tried to remove it ASAP and it was already gone. sorry for my ignorance of the rules in my inebriated state.
Hopefully my homemade exit bag and helium tank are not a breach of rules?

Wish I had a way to record, but delay posting 30mins later... some kind of macro. IF I do end up trying this.. I'd love to share with my 'family' so they might not potentially go in blind.
Shit im trying to figure out a quick way to just share a cam via a link.. maybe we can just vibe and be together.
Well.. the nerd and ADHD in me is busy researching how to share a local webcam publicly. And I have hyper focused on how to achieve this.... I still very much am in the mood to do so, but im afraid I'll waste away my morning with this nonsense

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Lol not particularly.. In my own free time I'm a computer nerd at heart.. Windows 11, WSL2 / Docker Desktop.. not a programmer, but I like to pretend I know what I'm doing (at least to friends they're impressed lol)... Tinker with Stable Diffusion Automatic1111.. Oobabooga LLM, all that fun stuff

Ooh, nice.

Maybe I'll wait for a good day where I can (remotely) have a good Roblox session with my son.. end things on a good note..

Back when I was a kid, I used to play this Roblox game called "Work at a Pizza Place" and all I did was shove others in the pizza oven and cook them.

Like this:

 

[DragginHeart933]

Ooh, nice.

Back when I was a kid, I used to play this Roblox game called "Work at a Pizza Place" and all I did was shove others in the pizza oven and cook them.

Like this:

LoL bro thats particularly dark.. I just play Slap Battles, Ability Wars, or Sol's RNG with my son.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

LoL bro thats particularly dark

Yeah back then I thought it was hilarious. A lot of people would do just that instead of play the game. It has been a feature of the game for well over a decade now I think. Simpler times.

 

[mapleboy]

I'm sorry life has pushed you to this point. Hope everything goes as planned for you, you're not alone <3

 

[DragginHeart933]

I'm sorry life has pushed you to this point. Hope everything goes as planned for you, you're not alone <3

It's okay, thanks for your compassion.. it was never going to work out anyways.. may SaSu learn from my (potential) mistake and documentation.

 

[destinationlosangel]

I'm so sorry for all that you have been thru. Godspeed brother. U have excellent taste in music. We would definitely have bonded over music and u might have been the guy I'd have asked all my tech related questions to. Godspeed brother!

 

[dreamcatcher90]

did anyone manage to join the zoom call?

 

[mapleboy]

did anyone manage to join the zoom call?

Me and 2 others joined. For the first 30 or so minutes, OP was just vibing to some music and seemed to be in a positive mood. He showed us his SN drinks, and also a gas tank in case something went wrong. He then drank the first glass and talked about how salty it was and how thirsty it made him. He layed down about 5 minutes later to try and calm down. He said he was feeling tingly and had a general feeling of anxiety. OP was really thirsty at this point and ran out of water to drink, so he left to get some more. He never came back to the room. He may have collapsed in his kitchen while getting a drink. After some time, I heard a yell from him. A few minutes later, another yell. Then there was nothing. He has two dogs, which left the room after him and peeked in a few times. It has been about an hour since OP drank the first glass of SN, and there was still no sign of his return. Me and the others decided to leave the Zoom meeting about 20 minutes ago. Hoping he found the peace he was looking for.

 

[schwererziehbar]

Me and 2 others joined. For the first 30 or so minutes, OP was just vibing to some music and seemed to be in a positive mood. He showed us his SN drinks, and also a gas tank in case something went wrong. He then drank the first glass and talked about how salty it was and how thirsty it made him. He layed down about 5 minutes later to try and calm down. He said he was feeling tingly and had a general feeling of anxiety. OP was really thirsty at this point and ran out of water to drink, so he left to get some more. He never came back to the room. He may have collapsed in his kitchen while getting a drink. After some time, I heard a yell from him. A few minutes later, another yell. Then there was nothing. He has two dogs, which left the room after him and peeked in a few times. It has been about an hour since OP drank the first glass of SN, and there was still no sign of his return. Me and the others decided to leave the Zoom meeting about 20 minutes ago. Hoping he found the peace he was looking for.

I can agree on this.
Hope he found his peace.

 

[dreamcatcher90]

Me and 2 others joined. For the first 30 or so minutes, OP was just vibing to some music and seemed to be in a positive mood. He showed us his SN drinks, and also a gas tank in case something went wrong. He then drank the first glass and talked about how salty it was and how thirsty it made him. He layed down about 5 minutes later to try and calm down. He said he was feeling tingly and had a general feeling of anxiety. OP was really thirsty at this point and ran out of water to drink, so he left to get some more. He never came back to the room. He may have collapsed in his kitchen while getting a drink. After some time, I heard a yell from him. A few minutes later, another yell. Then there was nothing. He has two dogs, which left the room after him and peeked in a few times. It has been about an hour since OP drank the first glass of SN, and there was still no sign of his return. Me and the others decided to leave the Zoom meeting about 20 minutes ago. Hoping he found the peace he was looking for.

Thanks for the report. Bless his soul.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Me and 2 others joined. For the first 30 or so minutes, OP was just vibing to some music and seemed to be in a positive mood. He showed us his SN drinks, and also a gas tank in case something went wrong. He then drank the first glass and talked about how salty it was and how thirsty it made him. He layed down about 5 minutes later to try and calm down. He said he was feeling tingly and had a general feeling of anxiety. OP was really thirsty at this point and ran out of water to drink, so he left to get some more. He never came back to the room. He may have collapsed in his kitchen while getting a drink. After some time, I heard a yell from him. A few minutes later, another yell. Then there was nothing. He has two dogs, which left the room after him and peeked in a few times. It has been about an hour since OP drank the first glass of SN, and there was still no sign of his return. Me and the others decided to leave the Zoom meeting about 20 minutes ago. Hoping he found the peace he was looking for.

So OP ctb with the PC SN today? I mean did you all see that it was the PC SN that he used?

 

[notahappygirl]

Rest his soul

 

[GuessWhosBack]

After some time, I heard a yell from him. A few minutes later, another yell

I'm hoping it was from a fall and not from SN.

 

[Not Sure]

RIP... this dude had some good taste in music and quite the same backstory as mine. Really hope he passed on peacefully.

 

[mapleboy]

So OP ctb with the PC SN today? I mean did you all see that it was the PC SN that he used?

It was already prepared in glasses, but I would assume so.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I hope that OP is at peace now. In the selfie he posted, there's just so much sadness in his eyes.