![DragginHeart933](/data/avatars/l/97/97293.jpg?1723084020)
DragginHeart933
Member
- Aug 7, 2024
- 13
-----NEW----
Meeting time. 9:30AM EST
Passowrd: SaSu123
us05web.zoom.us
Info:
Fasting? No.. Dominos pizza @ 4am EST
Pre Medicine(s)?: 8:50am EST. A regular swig of zzzquil, 1 50mg trazadone sleep-aid, 3x (0.5mg clonazepam).
method: SN
Total (MINUS emergency plastic bottle (50mg)
Glass 1 + Glass 2 = 125mg SN
Glass 1 is roughly 75mg. Glass 2 is roughly the rest. Probably take them shortly after each other.
If stream goes on and things feel bad.. I got the plastic bottle with 50mg SN I can sip/chug as needed
-----NEW------
I've thought about everything for quite a while... Everything adds up, the absolute silence I get from my wife (soon to be ex-wife) when I pour my heart out.. the indifference it makes when I comply to all of her demands (each and very time we're "allowed" to briefly live in the same house), the flatness of her voice when she called me, letting me know that she has filed divorce papers, every time I reach out to her from the bottom of my heart, squeezing out every ounce of honesty and clarity that I can, only to be gaslighted during our next marriage counseling session - FOR REACHING OUT TO HER and not giving her the 'space' she needed, the space she has had this entire year... the space that has slowly fucked my mind over and eaten up every bit of my will to go on, my trust in people, and my life partner that has always been there to be my unknowning, invisible 'crutch' in this life... she didn't know it, but the only reason I have been suffering through my emotional torment from day to day was to pay to play the game of life, to keep this family unit going, to feel like I'm good for anything - and have a purpose. Papers are filed, texts are ignored, police have showed up for her to document my 'vandalism' that resulted from her complete emotional withdrawal, son is transferred to a school in the same county as her mother's house.
I've nothing else but to realize and accept exactly what my life has become, and ... what if anything, remains? Pain, loneliness, sexual frustration, joblessness after sudden emotional torment at critical times (returning from FMLA for depression/anxiety/suicide attempts), and absolution - the final stroke of a pen.. takes only moments, but erases everything I've ever known, ever hoped for, ever wished for, and always imagined and took for granted that it would be there - forever - just as I promised, and still mean today (at the altar). I never planned for this life, I never felt there would be a need to... In my mind, I was being totally honest, no cheating, I was an open book, I always had more than enough craving and desire bedroom wise.. I don't know. But, its over, that much is sure, and It's been that way since the beginning of the year - When we started 'taking turns' living apart on her terms... no matter who had to leave home, I always felt the pain, I always reached out after dark when things got rough, and I always paid the price for it - with silence, with indifference, with derogative replies/threats/etc, and it always got brought up against me in our weekly marriage counseling which she demanded I do ... as part of 'helping us get back together'. The sessions always... ALWAYS ended up being her opening up a notebook of notes she took.. notes of me reaching out to her in agony, notes of me 'doing exactly against what she needed - space'.... and she knew me good enough after 14 years to know that space is the only thing I couldn't offer at this point... from Jan 2024 to present.. its all been a list of hurdles which I've complied to, and each of them didnt mean a fucking thing at the end of the day. I believe it was all documentation to prove that she 'tried', leading up to this point, and she could document what a beast I am when she plays my heart like a fiddle..
Anyways, I don't know if I'll try tonight, maybe im wrapping things up - clearing cache, deleting things, setting up a macro to record/uplaod... I don't know.. I'll at least drink and rant an hour or two and record my thoughts. Maybe I'll wait for a good day where I can (remotely) have a good Roblox session with my son.. end things on a good note.. I don't have a concrete plan really.. i have a 32oz bottle of SN, but no other meds than what I have on hand.. some propranolol, trazadone, and clonazepam... and of course OTC stuff like ibuprofen/zzzquil and But this is my rant I suppose.
Love you all, YOU ARE WORTH IT - TRUST YOUR GUTS... thanks for reading
If I don't reply to this within a few days its safe to assume I just went for it.
Also I'm making a playlist for my current mood. I'll update as I add more songs. Not sure how to share privately so I'll just put individual links.
If nothing else.. ill bluff, and make yall a badass playlist.
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider
A Perfect Circle - Blue
A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless
Three Days Grace - So Called Life
Staind - Its been A While
Blue October - Hate Me Today - (also like, bc my name is Justin)
Alice In Chains - Them Bones
Silverchair - Ana's Song (Open Fire)
Stone Sour - Through The Glass (acoustic)
Stone Sour - Bother (Official Video)
Five for Fighting - 100 Years (Official Video)
Johnny Cash - Hurt
The All-American Rejects - It Ends Tonight (Official Video)
The All-American Rejects - Move Along (Official Video)
The Used - Blue And Yellow (Official Video)
Chris Cornell - Patience (Official Video)
Chris Cornell - Nothing Compares To You
Linkin Park - Crawling (Live with Chris Cornell)
Audioslave - Be yourself
Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
Meeting time. 9:30AM EST
Passowrd: SaSu123
Join our Cloud HD Video Meeting
Zoom is the leader in modern enterprise video communications, with an easy, reliable cloud platform for video and audio conferencing, chat, and webinars across mobile, desktop, and room systems. Zoom Rooms is the original software-based conference room solution used around the world in board...
Info:
Fasting? No.. Dominos pizza @ 4am EST
Pre Medicine(s)?: 8:50am EST. A regular swig of zzzquil, 1 50mg trazadone sleep-aid, 3x (0.5mg clonazepam).
method: SN
Total (MINUS emergency plastic bottle (50mg)
Glass 1 + Glass 2 = 125mg SN
Glass 1 is roughly 75mg. Glass 2 is roughly the rest. Probably take them shortly after each other.
If stream goes on and things feel bad.. I got the plastic bottle with 50mg SN I can sip/chug as needed
-----NEW------
I've thought about everything for quite a while... Everything adds up, the absolute silence I get from my wife (soon to be ex-wife) when I pour my heart out.. the indifference it makes when I comply to all of her demands (each and very time we're "allowed" to briefly live in the same house), the flatness of her voice when she called me, letting me know that she has filed divorce papers, every time I reach out to her from the bottom of my heart, squeezing out every ounce of honesty and clarity that I can, only to be gaslighted during our next marriage counseling session - FOR REACHING OUT TO HER and not giving her the 'space' she needed, the space she has had this entire year... the space that has slowly fucked my mind over and eaten up every bit of my will to go on, my trust in people, and my life partner that has always been there to be my unknowning, invisible 'crutch' in this life... she didn't know it, but the only reason I have been suffering through my emotional torment from day to day was to pay to play the game of life, to keep this family unit going, to feel like I'm good for anything - and have a purpose. Papers are filed, texts are ignored, police have showed up for her to document my 'vandalism' that resulted from her complete emotional withdrawal, son is transferred to a school in the same county as her mother's house.
I've nothing else but to realize and accept exactly what my life has become, and ... what if anything, remains? Pain, loneliness, sexual frustration, joblessness after sudden emotional torment at critical times (returning from FMLA for depression/anxiety/suicide attempts), and absolution - the final stroke of a pen.. takes only moments, but erases everything I've ever known, ever hoped for, ever wished for, and always imagined and took for granted that it would be there - forever - just as I promised, and still mean today (at the altar). I never planned for this life, I never felt there would be a need to... In my mind, I was being totally honest, no cheating, I was an open book, I always had more than enough craving and desire bedroom wise.. I don't know. But, its over, that much is sure, and It's been that way since the beginning of the year - When we started 'taking turns' living apart on her terms... no matter who had to leave home, I always felt the pain, I always reached out after dark when things got rough, and I always paid the price for it - with silence, with indifference, with derogative replies/threats/etc, and it always got brought up against me in our weekly marriage counseling which she demanded I do ... as part of 'helping us get back together'. The sessions always... ALWAYS ended up being her opening up a notebook of notes she took.. notes of me reaching out to her in agony, notes of me 'doing exactly against what she needed - space'.... and she knew me good enough after 14 years to know that space is the only thing I couldn't offer at this point... from Jan 2024 to present.. its all been a list of hurdles which I've complied to, and each of them didnt mean a fucking thing at the end of the day. I believe it was all documentation to prove that she 'tried', leading up to this point, and she could document what a beast I am when she plays my heart like a fiddle..
Anyways, I don't know if I'll try tonight, maybe im wrapping things up - clearing cache, deleting things, setting up a macro to record/uplaod... I don't know.. I'll at least drink and rant an hour or two and record my thoughts. Maybe I'll wait for a good day where I can (remotely) have a good Roblox session with my son.. end things on a good note.. I don't have a concrete plan really.. i have a 32oz bottle of SN, but no other meds than what I have on hand.. some propranolol, trazadone, and clonazepam... and of course OTC stuff like ibuprofen/zzzquil and But this is my rant I suppose.
Love you all, YOU ARE WORTH IT - TRUST YOUR GUTS... thanks for reading
If I don't reply to this within a few days its safe to assume I just went for it.
Also I'm making a playlist for my current mood. I'll update as I add more songs. Not sure how to share privately so I'll just put individual links.
If nothing else.. ill bluff, and make yall a badass playlist.
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider
A Perfect Circle - Blue
A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless
Three Days Grace - So Called Life
Staind - Its been A While
Blue October - Hate Me Today - (also like, bc my name is Justin)
Alice In Chains - Them Bones
Silverchair - Ana's Song (Open Fire)
Stone Sour - Through The Glass (acoustic)
Stone Sour - Bother (Official Video)
Five for Fighting - 100 Years (Official Video)
Johnny Cash - Hurt
The All-American Rejects - It Ends Tonight (Official Video)
The All-American Rejects - Move Along (Official Video)
The Used - All That I've Got (Official Video)So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold
The Used - Blue And Yellow (Official Video)
Chris Cornell - Patience (Official Video)
Chris Cornell - Nothing Compares To You
Linkin Park - Crawling (Live with Chris Cornell)
Audioslave (Chris Cornell) - Shadow On The SunYa'll... This video gave me chills when Chris Cornell came out.. who would have ever known these two would share the same fate.. but when you go back and listen to their amazing music (Chris Cornell / Chester Bennington [Linkin Park]).. how did we NOT know?
Audioslave - Be yourself
Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
Attachments
Last edited: