Discussion Why "It'll be okay" and similar phrases are so painful to hear

[Stick]

I know that people mean well when they say this, but I absolutely loath this phrase, and I know a lot of other people here do too. When I'm in my darkest moments, sometimes phrases like these are all I get from those around me. When people say this, they never elaborate on what will make it okay. They treat the problem like it will work itself out. We tell my dying grandmother that "Everything's okay." We tell little children we are trying to shield from the world that "It'll be okay". When I hear these phrases, I wonder what they are keeping from me. I wonder what exactly is so bad that they absolutely don't want to acknowledge.
I tried to ask my sister this once. I asked her why she would tell me that everything was right when everything was wrong. She told me "I guess I consider it to be okay right now". And that's exactly what is so horrible about that phrase. The person saying it isn't trying to make the situation better, because they already think the situation is fine. They think my suffering is okay.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

it never occured to me that the person saying "you'll be okay" only says that because they, personally, don't feel your suffering. it makes sense, though. if they truly understood certain situations, they would know that it wasn't okay.

"you'll be okay" is just yet another meaningless phrase people repeat over and over, so that they don't have to address the core of the issue or put genuine effort into resolving it.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

The person saying it isn't trying to make the situation better, because they already think the situation is fine. They think my suffering is okay.

I think they might just not understand how much you're suffering, or why you do. I have a buddy that says this version of "It will be okay" a lot. He is genuinely a nice guy, but he has an incredibly emotionless and down-to-earth approach to life, so for him as long as no one is literally physically dying right now and there isn't some large scale horrible event, like war, happening, things always exist in one state and that state is "okay". From what he told me about his life, he never experienced anything that would throw him into a genuine emotional turmoil, so he doesn't even have a full grasp of a concept of being Really Upset. It's not that people like him don't care, they just cannot understand, and yes, it can be upsetting in it's own way too.

There is also another kind of an empty "It will be okay" - it's when the person you're talking to fully understands you're hurting and things are really, truly bad for you, and in fact things are so bad there is nothing they can think of that could "make it better", no advice or genuinely comforting words they can come up with. That is the kind of an "It will be okay" we give to the dying people, because simply saying "yes, I hear you and I understand that you're hurting" without offering any comfort seems harsh.

"you'll be okay" is just yet another meaningless phrase people repeat over and over, so that they don't have to address the core of the issue or put genuine effort into resolving it.

Very often, there really isn't anything people can do for you to resolve your issue, so all that they can offer you as comfort are those empty platitudes. Receiving a "you'll be okay" is a sign you are talking to a person that is more likely to be unable to help or not know how to help, rather than being unwilling.

 

[TAW122]

Yes, this is a common phrase used as deflection and dismissal of another's pain or plight. While I don't despise it as strongly as the "it gets better" or other statements (probably due to it coming off a bit softer than most other platitudes), it still does have an "air and vibe" of discounting another's situation.

 

[Lost Magic]

tbh people who say it will be okay just don't know how to deal with mental health problems. It really isn't their fault, but I understand that it doesn't really help when they say it.

 

[cantwaitbefree]

They want you to keep on living and keep trying even if you tried everything you could and it didnt work

 

[FuneralCry]

It is just a platitude. I would rather people acknowledge that my situation is hopeless rather than saying things like this. Sometimes things will never be okay and that is a fact. Many people are delusional, they are in denial that things can get that bad that one would want to leave this world. It also sets you up for false hope being told things like this, which is very painful. I think it invalidates the suffering someone is going through.

 

[Samsara]

Telling someone "it'll be okay" when you have no way of knowing that is insincere.

 

[CountOfTuscany]

Telling someone "it'll be okay" when you have no way of knowing that is insincere.

While I'll be the first guy to say that "It'll be OK" doesn't help anyone in our kind of situation, people saying stuff like that doesn't bother me. Think about it from the other person's perspective: the other person has almost surely been sad many times before, but he has always gotten through it without too much issue, or else he wouldn't be saying that! The other person has (perhaps incorrectly) perceived that you are "sad" about something, so he is simply conveying a lesson he has learned from his experience: it will be OK. In his mind, it is nearly certain that it will be OK!

That other person likely has zero idea how deep the rabbit hole goes for people like us. For instance, I personally am not even sad about anything, just completely apathetic. "It'll be OK" means absolutely nothing to me, because everything is OK. Everything, including my own death, is painfully OK to me. Such an idea likely doesn't even begin to make sense to our hypothetical other person. A person saying "It'll be OK" may not be the most helpful thing in the world, but those words are at the very least some attempted words of encouragement coming from a good place. I appreciate anyone who cares enough about me to even try something like that, even if he has no idea what's really going on.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

It's painful because it's dismissive and invalidation of what a person is going through. It is unsympathetic. It is ununderstanding. It's avoidance of problems and solutions.

Positive reinforcements without support are made by those who place weight in faith. They believe that naturally, all things are good and will inevitably turn to good. Even faithless people will regurgitate positive words because of susceptibility to faith and left over influence of previous generations. Perhaps genetically, coming from backgrounds of strong faith is passed down to future generations even if they are faithless themselves.

 

[seabed]

For many people, the saddest thing they've experienced is something like the death of a pet. Pretty upsetting, but something you would get over in a few days. That's the only experience they can draw from when they talk to you, which is why their advice is so mismatched to your problems.

Your best bet is to talk to professionals or people who have experienced hardship if you want useful advice.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

It will never be okay again

 

[Stroopwafel.]

I try not to even respond to those people anymore. Often I started a discussion about it. Told them that they can't know if things will be okay, that it's invalidating when they say things like this. But it's useless, they will continue saying this stuff because they have no idea about what we are experiencing. I gave up on those people, but it still hurts when they keep continuing their shit words.

 

[neitherherenorthere]

While I'll be the first guy to say that "It'll be OK" doesn't help anyone in our kind of situation, people saying stuff like that doesn't bother me. Think about it from the other person's perspective: the other person has almost surely been sad many times before, but he has always gotten through it without too much issue, or else he wouldn't be saying that! The other person has (perhaps incorrectly) perceived that you are "sad" about something, so he is simply conveying a lesson he has learned from his experience: it will be OK. In his mind, it is nearly certain that it will be OK!

This is a good take. I completely agree that "It'll be ok" is a platitude a lot of the time, but there are other times when it's meant sincerely and out of a desire to be supportive. People can only speak from their own experience, and in this case it means that they're unknowingly hurtful in their attempt to help.

Is there an acceptable alternative to telling someone in this context that it'll be ok? E.g., if you were crying and went to a friend for support (let's all pretend we have supportive friends for a moment), if they said something like "we can get through this moment together," or "I'm here for you right now," would you be ok with your friend saying something like that, or would it make you feel worse?

 

[Bullit]

It'll be ok! LOL!

 

[demuic]

This is a good take. I completely agree that "It'll be ok" is a platitude a lot of the time, but there are other times when it's meant sincerely and out of a desire to be supportive. People can only speak from their own experience, and in this case it means that they're unknowingly hurtful in their attempt to help.

Is there an acceptable alternative to telling someone in this context that it'll be ok? E.g., if you were crying and went to a friend for support (let's all pretend we have supportive friends for a moment), if they said something like "we can get through this moment together," or "I'm here for you right now," would you be ok with your friend saying something like that, or would it make you feel worse?

I'd rather someone say "I hope it gets better" than make an impossible statement that they can't possibly know. Even something like "I'm sorry/that sucks" is better than that. Ideally, I think the best thing to say is something that shows you actually comprehend what someone is going through, something that is actually relevant to their situation specifically rather than generic support phrases, and can sympathize with the pain and distress the situation is causing them in the present moment rather than saying the equivalent of "you'll get over it" which is completely dismissive.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes things get worse. I look back at being suicidal last year, and I put it off based on the idea that things "had" to get better. And they didn't. They got worse. I mean, it's not a decision to be made lightly, I guess that there's something to be said for exploring all alternative options, but no. Sometimes things don't get better.

It's just an uncomfortable truth that a lot of people don't want to deal with. Because if it's possible for things to not get better for us, then there's a possibility that things could somehow not be good for them. I don't think that it's something that people say to provide comfort for others, so much as to avoid facing the reality that sometimes life is awful is awful and it's not something that people can "fix." Bad things happen, and sometimes the situation doesn't get better, and it's something that people who have never lived through don't want to see. Not everyone has a safety net and people who love them. Not everyone gets better. Not everyone recovers.

 

[Heartaches]

It's similar to when randos on the internet who you've never met say "I care for you", "you're important to me" or "you matter to someone", but a little less egregious imo. Still feels dismissive at times but I understand the intention, it's just that I can't feel it.

Demuic explained it better honestly. Kinda useless if you don't really desire to comprehend the other person's situation.​