M
maybepossiblyithink
Member
- Oct 22, 2020
- 57
I am undiagnosed, but as more and more days go by I'm coming to terms with the idea that I may be autistic. There's lots of symptoms I can list but, my sensitivity to sounds makes life so fucking unbearable.
Everything is so loud. Everything makes a noise. There is no escaping it. Whenever I get overwhelmed all the sudden, I beat myself. Usually by hitting myself in the head multiple times as hard as I can let myself.
I don't do if on purpose. It's like an instinct. I just do it.
I did it yesterday way too hard and I've had a massive headache since then. It's make it so much worse.
Everything is so fucking loud everything is so god damn loud. The floor. The air. The walls. My headphones that are supposed to keep out the sound make sound. Boats. My fucking guinea pigs screaming for food like they're fucking starving but they're not. Yesterday, I ran out if pellets until 6 pm. I fed them a bunch of vegetables for breakfast instead of their pellets.
Each and every time i made a noise, all four of them would screech. They wouldn't stop for 5-10 minutes each time. I cried myself to sleep. I hit mysslf so much yesterday. They just wouldn't stop. All day.
this alone is enough to make me want to ctb. Just to escape the noise.
i have dreams where i disfigure myself in order to make myself deaf.
I'd honestly love to be deaf, but I know that's horribly offensive and would make life a lot harder.
I just. Everything makes noise. Silence makes noise. It all so fucking loud. I'm contemplating self harm atm but I know it's not going to do anything. I just get dizzy after a few minutes and feel worse.
i don't know. I know beating yourself when you get overwhelmed isn't normal.
I'm so scared to admit I need help with this. I need answers. Something.
Everything is so loud. Everything makes a noise. There is no escaping it. Whenever I get overwhelmed all the sudden, I beat myself. Usually by hitting myself in the head multiple times as hard as I can let myself.
I don't do if on purpose. It's like an instinct. I just do it.
I did it yesterday way too hard and I've had a massive headache since then. It's make it so much worse.
Everything is so fucking loud everything is so god damn loud. The floor. The air. The walls. My headphones that are supposed to keep out the sound make sound. Boats. My fucking guinea pigs screaming for food like they're fucking starving but they're not. Yesterday, I ran out if pellets until 6 pm. I fed them a bunch of vegetables for breakfast instead of their pellets.
Each and every time i made a noise, all four of them would screech. They wouldn't stop for 5-10 minutes each time. I cried myself to sleep. I hit mysslf so much yesterday. They just wouldn't stop. All day.
this alone is enough to make me want to ctb. Just to escape the noise.
i have dreams where i disfigure myself in order to make myself deaf.
I'd honestly love to be deaf, but I know that's horribly offensive and would make life a lot harder.
I just. Everything makes noise. Silence makes noise. It all so fucking loud. I'm contemplating self harm atm but I know it's not going to do anything. I just get dizzy after a few minutes and feel worse.
i don't know. I know beating yourself when you get overwhelmed isn't normal.
I'm so scared to admit I need help with this. I need answers. Something.