Discussion Why is recovery not an option?

[Forever Sleep]

I actually hate the thought of having to excuse yourself as to why you aren't willing to recover. Still- in this pro-life society- there does seem very much this emphasis that everyone is obliged to make the effort to recover... So- I thought I'd make a thread on why we believe that we can't! Why is CTB your best or only option?

My story is long and boring- so- feel free to skip...

For me, I feel like I know two options that would (possibly) make life liveable until natural death- although- I likely would again want to CTB if physical illness re-emerges. I'm not willing to put up with being ill on top of everything else.

1) I either carry on in my maladjusted state but I manage to get enough freelance creative work I can do at home to sustain me financially. (Preferable.)

2) Or, I get extensive therapy to get over my social anxiety, self doubt and whatever else to learn to drive and go for freelance creative jobs up and down the country.

For me- those feel like my two options to 'recover' but both are VERY difficult and VERY unstable. The first option is my favourite. Jobs are few and far between though, badly paid and the market is VERY competitive and I'm honestly not good enough. Same goes for the second option really. There may be more opportunities but taking on short term rents alongside my current place would cause financial strain.

So- I'm left with finding a 'proper' wage slave job that I'm almost certain I'll hate. I very much doubt that any amount of being creative as a hobby, or making new friends, or whatever else will make up for the fact that I feel like my soul has died. (Dramatic I know but creative people tend to be...) I have 10 years experience working in retail being creative on the side to know it doesn't work for me.

Of course- miracles may happen and maybe things will turn around but I doubt it. I'm 43. I've had ideation for 33 years. I feel like I know myself pretty well. I know what's important to me. I know I'm maladjusted but I also know why. I know I'm not willing to put in the effort to change because I don't believe the outcome would help me enough. Plus, I'm stubborn enough to believe that autonomy is more important than what society and religion dictates.

I do however care deeply about my father though- so- for the time being, I'm stuck here.

That's me. How about you? If you even feel the need to defend your suicidal wishes- how would you do so? Why is recovery something that's so difficult/impossible for you?

Let's prove we can appraise our situations rationally... I'd like to say by that I include the appraisal: 'My suicidal ideation MAY result from mental health issues that are treatment resistant or that I do not wish to get treatment for.' Personally I see that as rational. Why should we be forced to continue with (or, even accept) treatment that isn't working, or has a good chance to work?

 

[UKscotty]

What does recovery even mean?

Learning to be a good sheep and slave away so 1% of humanity can live in totally obscene luxury and comfort.

Those who are content with their lot are just slaves and they don't even know it.

 

[fuzzy-clown]

I have many reasons to CTB, that I should realistically try recovering from.
However, there's one problem I don't see a recovery for:

I have bipolar and I can get manic and psychotic episodes unless I take antipsychotics. However, having tried quite a few of those already, I'm adamant that life is not worth living while on such meds.

Recovery would mean accepting life with dulled emotions and brain fog.
However, feeling full emotions and being intellectually sharp are both very important to me, as they are what make my life worth living.

 

[myownpetvirus]

I could deal with the rat race and a shitty job I just want my brain back that was destroyed by benzodiazepines. There's a chance I can recover as I did once before (and then fucked it up due to another use). It took me 16 months to recover first time and I'm like 6 weeks from setback so I still have hope.
I kind of think people who do not want recovery have never been happy before so they don't know what it means or why they would want it

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

If it happens great - I've never really had the energy to be successful in life… at a certain point you look back, and there's a pattern to behaviors and outcomes…

 

[Death is my goal]

recovery is not an option for me because i don't have the will/power, environment doesn't help. my parents see me as a loser and useless. i don't find a way how this world would get any better. I'm not strong enough for it. i hate it here. i would rather die than actually recovering. that's how miserable i am. i don't want to live, even my life gets better i still would prefer to be dead.

 

[Dot]

Bcse th/ natre of slf injry = nt smethng tht am abl 2 recvr frm w/o ironclly beatng own SI

 

[SamTam33]

To me, recovery means restoring something to a previous (positive/stable) state.

But I've never truly experienced that, so there's nothing to recover from - no place to recover to - if that makes sense.

True recovery for me would come with a different brain and body. But that's not possible.

 

[vultureilse]

for me recovery is not an option for multiple reasons but the main one is my trauma and mental illnesses. ive tried getting better in the past but all it did was make me realize that even if i do manage to improve my situation ill never get to a point where i can experience life the way a normal person does. i could learn to manage my symptoms but ill never be able to fully cure my illnesses and i dont wanna spend my entire life trying to undo what my trauma did. ive lost my childhood to neglect and abuse and thats not something i can ever get back. because of my mental state i struggle with basic tasks that normal people have no problem with, i need to put so much extra effort into everything in my life compared to people who arent traumatized and mentally ill

my eating disorder and many of my self destructive habits have caused me physical health problems as well that i dont want to have to deal with. especially since theyre just getting worse each day, if i wasnt planning to ctb id probably die within the next few years anyway. and besides my personal issues i just dont like the way this world functions

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that there is no such thing as 'recovery' as being suicidal isn't an illness. In fact to me, being suicidal is just the natural response to being aware of this world and I simply don't see existence as being worth enduring. It makes sense to feel this way and it's perfectly rational wishing not to delay our inevitable fate, as after all there are no disadvantages to being dead and to die solves everything after all.

Life really is just an useless concept that leads to nothing and nowhere. We exist just to suffer, deteriorate and die, and I see it as being completely irrational to wish to stay here where there is no limit as to how much we can be tortured and overall there is just no benefit to existing, instead there are only disadvantages. Existence is something so unnecessary and harmful and I see it as being best avoided. To me 'recovery', is just people deluding themselves. We cannot recover from the fact that suffering is inevitable in life and that the world objectively is a horrific place.

 

[GasMonkey]

I'd recover with a young gigachad body and a couple million dollars.

 

[NotStrongEnough]

Hey, I'm only a year older than you! Lol

The reason why I do and don't try to recover is actually fairly easy to explain. I've explained it before on here even. But I had a life I absolutely loved. I was able to do all the things I wanted to do - I was in a marriage where we both made a shitton of money and we traveled.

In that entire time, I thought more about finding a way to be strong enough to kill myself. I was literally at my happiest and I still wanted to die. That's how I know I'm fucked up beyond repair.

I don't want to just have to "exist" because other people want me to live. and that's all I do. Exist.

 

[Damnation]

It's not an option for me because I simply do not want to recover. You'd have to alter reality itself to make me want to stay here.

I agree that the world is objectively horrific, and I'll never understand how so many people carry on knowing the kind of shit that goes on here.

Rape, murder, abuse, trafficking, torture, systematic oppression, violet bigotry, crippling addictions, and incurable mental illnesses and diseases... Not even suicide is sacred. There are countless sadistic voyeurs who are all too eager to witness our end. People are hated, neglected, oppressed, and abused over trivial things; skin color, which gender they love, how their face is structured, or wearing a skirt without the socially acceptable set of genitalia. Nearly everything marketed towards adults is drab, desaturated, grimdark bullshit with glorified rape and violence, but liking cute, colorful cartoons with humor and positivity warrants being looked down upon because it's childish.

I once read a discussion on Reddit where a girl was degraded for wanting to carry stuffed animals in public. She was told there's obviously something wrong with people who want to do that, and they need mental help... For holding something that is arbitrarily restricted to children... for liking a soft fabric imitation of an animal. The minority of people agreed that it shouldn't be considered so unacceptable to like "childish" things, and the majority just bullied her. When I looked at her post history, the last thing she ever posted was something along the lines of "well you won't have to deal with me anymore, I'll be dead soon" and then, only then did the person looking down on her backtrack.
That was posted ages ago, but I still tried to reach out. Never got a response. I don't know how to get over it.

Bullying over a fucking stuffed animal, are you people serious? Is this what we're doing with the so-called gift of life? How do you people not realize how fucking insane you sound, parading around how important it is to behave like an "adult" and abide by social norms when half of the shit that makes people cringe is perfectly harmless. I swear society is more accepting of getting off on choking your partner -- a dangerous and violent act that has lead to a lot of accidental deaths -- than an adult liking something as benign as a pastel dress with cupcakes on it.

Oh but social norms and adulthood are so valuable! What could be better than selling your soul for some arbitrary paper just to feed yourself, when literal tons of food are thrown out every day? There's no shortage of it, you just can't have it! What a joy, to be so limited in the ways you can express yourself without being degraded and harassed! Isn't it wonderful to work nearly every waking hour of your life, to have to fight for free time and vacations? To have to carefully budget for your hobbies while your landlord rolls in the dough they earned by threatening to deny you shelter?

I have so much more to say too, like how even the nice things like delicious foods come with the burden of making you sick and unhealthy, but I have to cut this short because I have to go out soon. Consider yourselves lucky, I guess.

I truly hate it here.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Because it hurts and is never going to stop hurting. Over 10 years of continuous shit makes that clear.

 

[http-410]

I wish there was something like recovery, but in the last few years I have painfully learned that there is no help.

For over ten years I have been trying to improve my situation, but every form of "treatment" has either done nothing or only made things worse. Especially during the last treatment, all the symptoms (for which there are no treatment options themselves) worsened and I became severely suicidal.

The few experimental treatment options are beyond my reach. In addition, the (mental) health care sector is extremely broken where I live. You will have to wait several months to years for treatment - if you are lucky enough to get an appointment at all.

Unfortunately, these treatments then take a cookie-cutter approach. If you somehow step out of line because your problems are too severe, that's entirely your problem. I encounter helplessness everywhere, even among professionals, and I can't blame them. If neither I can help myself, nor others can help me, while I am getting worse and worse and everything is not helping, what is left for me?