Why is my cowardice seen as resilience?

[TVtrays]

I've had my share of attempts and I've got a bunch of meto, vodka, tramadol and xanax prepared for whenever I'm ready to not be so cowardly as to sit around sulking, rather than actually just fucking taking initiative for once in my life and doing it.
I've been suicidal since I was a child, and no amount of help has ever changed that. Therapy, hospitalisations, fucking ranting endlessly to people who've probably got better things to do than to take in a heaping spoonful of my pitiful self loathing.
I was raped recently. On top of the mounting pressures in life pushing me to the brink, I got fucking raped just last week. Isn't that just a tad more than a wink and a nudge from the universe that maybe I just need to be fucking weeded from existence?
So, added trauma. That's just lovely, isn't it? I have PTSD, BPD, ADHD, OCD, major depression, Tourette's and probably autism. I was literally fucking born to die. Maybe if I weren't born a disabled, piece of shit mess of a child, I wouldn't have been abused, but I was. My whole perspective on life is one where I long not to experience it any longer.
So, with all of that, people have the audacity to praise my resilience.
I know people mean well but it's fucking maddening. Like, am I supposed to be some inspiration porn for some sheltered fucking pro-lifers? "Oh, it gets better! It always does!" Like seriously, fold it neatly in your hands and tuck that bullshit snugly up your arse where it belongs.
Maybe, just realise that I'm not meant to exist.

 

[lesserbohemian]

Yeah, I understand your frustration. When I am very suicidal because of health issues or personal struggles and talk about it, all I get from the people around me is "but you're so strong!!! you've been through so much worse and so you can do this!!". In response I just wanna be like, that's the issue? It never gets easier?

It doesn't feel like being strong to me, it just feels like holding on because of obligations.

Also, one of the times I have been closest to suicide was due to rape. If you ever want to know what kind of resources helped my recovery, (from rape, not suicidal ideation lol) I'm very happy to try and help.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

It's weird isn't it; people act as if going on for years and years in spite of constant misery was somehow laudable in and of itself. I don't see it that way: suffering isn't valuable if nothing comes of it imo.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Have you been able to talk to anyone about it/ are you pressing charges against the perpetrator?

 

[TVtrays]

It's weird isn't it; people act as if going on for years and years in spite of constant misery was somehow laudable in and of itself. I don't see it that way: suffering isn't valuable if nothing comes of it imo.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Have you been able to talk to anyone about it/ are you pressing charges against the perpetrator?

It truly doesn't matter what happens to him. I've warned my friends about him.
Recovery doesn't matter.
I just need to die. That's it.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I'm not going to say to much since I can be a bit of a cheerleader here, but I will say this:

You being raped is NOT a sign from the universe that you should not exist.

It is a sign that there is a POS, criminal son of a bitch scumbag that should not exist.

All of your concerns and troubles are real and awful, and they should not be dismissed. Welcome. Talk as much as you wish. We're very good listeners.

 

[Lorntroubles]

I get why you're upset, and you're allowed to be. I understand the label people like to slap on those who have been through a lot as "strong". They may mean well, or they rush to tell you that because everything you tell them makes them uncomfortable. I was told because I have been through a lot, that greatness and wonderful things are coming my way. I have to laugh, because I have been patient with this "greatness and better days". How delusional are some of those who claim "it gets better"? Don't tell me it gets better if I have been endlessly suffering...what a crappy response and promise especially knowing my end days nothing has gotten better. Hopefully something registers with you in what I wrote. :)

 

[lesserbohemian]

It truly doesn't matter what happens to him. I've warned my friends about him.
Recovery doesn't matter.
I just need to die. That's it.

Not tryna tell you that this decision isn't in your hands, but remember his actions do not reflect on you or your worthiness of life. You needing to rant about all the shit you have to deal with also isn't "pitiful self-loathing", it's perfectly okay for you to do and need. People are here and do care, me for one.

 

[Tictoc77]

I've had my share of attempts and I've got a bunch of meto, vodka, tramadol and xanax prepared for whenever I'm ready to not be so cowardly as to sit around sulking, rather than actually just fucking taking initiative for once in my life and doing it.
I've been suicidal since I was a child, and no amount of help has ever changed that. Therapy, hospitalisations, fucking ranting endlessly to people who've probably got better things to do than to take in a heaping spoonful of my pitiful self loathing.
I was raped recently. On top of the mounting pressures in life pushing me to the brink, I got fucking raped just last week. Isn't that just a tad more than a wink and a nudge from the universe that maybe I just need to be fucking weeded from existence?
So, added trauma. That's just lovely, isn't it? I have PTSD, BPD, ADHD, OCD, major depression, Tourette's and probably autism. I was literally fucking born to die. Maybe if I weren't born a disabled, piece of shit mess of a child, I wouldn't have been abused, but I was. My whole perspective on life is one where I long not to experience it any longer.
So, with all of that, people have the audacity to praise my resilience.
I know people mean well but it's fucking maddening. Like, am I supposed to be some inspiration porn for some sheltered fucking pro-lifers? "Oh, it gets better! It always does!" Like seriously, fold it neatly in your hands and tuck that bullshit snugly up your arse where it belongs.
Maybe, just realise that I'm not meant to exist.

Can't take away your pain, but get you. I think my only reason to exist is to be tortured and dealt a rubbish hand but am reminded how strong I am as I'm still here and part of me wants to fight as still here. If they coul

I've had my share of attempts and I've got a bunch of meto, vodka, tramadol and xanax prepared for whenever I'm ready to not be so cowardly as to sit around sulking, rather than actually just fucking taking initiative for once in my life and doing it.
I've been suicidal since I was a child, and no amount of help has ever changed that. Therapy, hospitalisations, fucking ranting endlessly to people who've probably got better things to do than to take in a heaping spoonful of my pitiful self loathing.
I was raped recently. On top of the mounting pressures in life pushing me to the brink, I got fucking raped just last week. Isn't that just a tad more than a wink and a nudge from the universe that maybe I just need to be fucking weeded from existence?
So, added trauma. That's just lovely, isn't it? I have PTSD, BPD, ADHD, OCD, major depression, Tourette's and probably autism. I was literally fucking born to die. Maybe if I weren't born a disabled, piece of shit mess of a child, I wouldn't have been abused, but I was. My whole perspective on life is one where I long not to experience it any longer.
So, with all of that, people have the audacity to praise my resilience.
I know people mean well but it's fucking maddening. Like, am I supposed to be some inspiration porn for some sheltered fucking pro-lifers? "Oh, it gets better! It always does!" Like seriously, fold it neatly in your hands and tuck that bullshit snugly up your arse where it belongs.
Maybe, just realise that I'm not meant to exist.

You are not alone in people saying I admire your strength and you are still here so there must be part of you that wants to live. I exist to be tortured and my failure to get my end right us not a show of strength but just further evidence of me being tortured in life I want it all to be over