coolgal82
she/her, terminally silly :3
- Sep 10, 2024
- 301
Having friends is just so difficult. friendships are difficult to hold and keep lasting for a while, they always end over some dumb fight (always my fault), usually because my views/opinions/beliefs randomly decided to do a 180 and conflict starts over that. It's usually when i find a new friendgroup and my like identity just shifts to like mesh with theirs more and i hate it. i know its gonna happen with this new friendgroup eventually and im just dreading that day.
It's also tough with constantly worrying about them leaving/randomly hating me, and it just gets worse and worse really. especially because this friendgroup are the closest friends ive ever had and i already had a small taste of them leaving when they went on a trip together and were way less active, and i felt awful for the entire fucking week or so. i still havent like fully recovered from that i dont think.
Idk if i'd say having friends is bad, like it's better than being alone sometimes but other times its worse. why cant it just be simple?
(it also feels bad knowing that you're gonna ctb at some point and it just feels really selfish to still be making friends even while knowing/planning that, like sure it'd probably be better for them in the future but in the immediate moment it's not gonna be good for them. idk. i kinda wish they hated me so i could do it with less guilt, and on the bright side them hating me would be the push i needed to finally do it, but i cant bring myself to leave them. i get the urge to cut them all off sometimes for various reasons but idk i can never bring myself to do it. for many reasons each time. idk cus im an awful selfish person that needs their attention or whatever and values myself above them idk!)
It's also tough with constantly worrying about them leaving/randomly hating me, and it just gets worse and worse really. especially because this friendgroup are the closest friends ive ever had and i already had a small taste of them leaving when they went on a trip together and were way less active, and i felt awful for the entire fucking week or so. i still havent like fully recovered from that i dont think.
Idk if i'd say having friends is bad, like it's better than being alone sometimes but other times its worse. why cant it just be simple?
(it also feels bad knowing that you're gonna ctb at some point and it just feels really selfish to still be making friends even while knowing/planning that, like sure it'd probably be better for them in the future but in the immediate moment it's not gonna be good for them. idk. i kinda wish they hated me so i could do it with less guilt, and on the bright side them hating me would be the push i needed to finally do it, but i cant bring myself to leave them. i get the urge to cut them all off sometimes for various reasons but idk i can never bring myself to do it. for many reasons each time. idk cus im an awful selfish person that needs their attention or whatever and values myself above them idk!)
