Venting Why is everyone better than me???

[NormallyNeurotic]

My mind has been getting worse lately.

Moodswings, I'm more sensitive to isolation and praise (or lack thereof), and the envy is worse.

I can't watch people succeed in doing impressive things without wanting to tear my own guts out. Why is everyone talented? Why is everyone better than me? I have to find some way to be impressive or I'll just be the useless one.

It's worse because I'm absolutely the useless friend. The people around me are getting education, are excelling at certain topics, are impressing those around them, are making a life and a future career and progressong in life and if I don't make some sort of progress I'm going to have to find a way to CTB and soon.

I can't take this anymore. It's worse because some of these people are so important to me. They're friends, found family, even more. So of course I'm proud of them and I'm so so so so fucking happy for them but I also have this soul-burning envy. Every time I see someone do something impressive, my mood drops like a thousand pound weight and it's getting out of hand.

Keeping me alive feels cruel at this point. I wish they'd love me and let me go. At this point I think I'm hopeless. I lost my chance to moment I dropped out. Actually more like the moment my dad convinced my mom to put me in those schools. Or maybe the moment I was born to a man with an empty pit for a heart.

My mom never wanted children, it's not her fault my dad was a creep. But I have to pay for it anyway. It would help if not for the fact that even he seems to have more success than me.

 

[Lethargy]

This feels like something that i could have written. It sucks always feeling worthless and useless and like everybody else is doing better than you. I feel like such a failure.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to feel tremendous envy towards others. That's partly why I quit all social media and live pretty much like a hermit, concentrating on my own lane. Not the healthiest choice though.

Sometimes it's useful to admire others- if it can inspire us to work harder. Can you maybe use it for that? Is there something you are interested in, you'd like to pursue?

Sometimes, creative endeavours can be good. Where there's slightly less 'right and wrong'. You can develop a style that hopefully, at least some people might like. It's still tempting to compare of course. To feel this other person is better but, you can also reason that they're simply different.

Maybe overstepping a mark here but, I think you said you suffer with NPD. So- I suspect that is intensifying all this. The need for approval. I don't know if it quite works the same but, I believe I suffer with limerence. Sometimes, it flares up again. I can feel myself becoming obsessed with someone. The worst thing is- it can be a nice feeling initially. But still- I know where it leads so- I effectively give myself a slap on the wrist/ brain- to tell myself to snap out of it. I know where it leads. Not sure if it's as easy to do with envy. But, can you acknowledge that it could be NPD making you feel it so intensely? Does, knowing that maybe allow you to step back a bit? I tend to be firm with myself saying- this is limerence and, this is what you do to yourself but- seeing as you know how much it screws you up- stop feeding it.

I suppose the obvious thing- if you truly can't live with it though- is to try to pursue something you might be admired for. It may take time to become good. You may be set back from others who have been doing it longer but, if you don't try, you don't know.

Being creative was important to me from a young age. I'm not really sure if I did it for praise. Certainly sometimes I did. Plus, you kind of need it to an extent for others to be willing to employ you. But- there were times I thought I would have to quit. I remember feeling probably the worst I've ever felt going into my dreadful retail job- after an awful meeting with an agent- feeling I would have to quit.

Ultimately though- I was so intensely miserable during that period- that I knew I couldn't go on like it. I ended up doing a second degree in my late 20's- to put me back on track. I think there were 5 or more mature students in my year. I was so worried I'd be 10 years older than everyone. But, it's not uncommon these days for older people to return to study, change direction- whatever. Maybe that could be an option? I felt I needed the structure again. I wanted to learn new skills. I wanted to create stuff that needed to meet a standard and be graded. It helped put me on a new track.

 

[hell toupee]

They aren't, and a lot of people don't even feel that way.

You just THINK they do.

I used to worry a lot about what other people thought, or how successful they were compared to how I thought of myself.

What I've found out is that for all the people you look at that you think are better than you, or have it better than you, there are literally millions of people in the world who have things far worse than you.

I don't mean to downplay how you feel - not at all. What I'm saying is, things are a matter of perspective. There are just as many people who might be looking at you, who have things far worse off than you, whatever that may be, who might look at you and say "jeez, I wish I was like her/him".

I mean, we all have our strengths and our weaknesses. Every single one of us. You have some strengths. Even if it's something as simple as your ability to express yourself in writing, like you did above. That's a trait that not a lot of people have, believe it or not. People all over the world would give anything to just be able to understand English.

Don't focus on your bad things, unless you are going to focus on everyone's bad qualities. Otherwise, you are making an unfair comparison by only looking at other people's good qualities and comparing them to your bad.

I hope you feel better.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Sometimes it's useful to admire others- if it can inspire us to work harder. Can you maybe use it for that? Is there something you are interested in, you'd like to pursue?

Sometimes, creative endeavours can be good. Where there's slightly less 'right and wrong'. You can develop a style that hopefully, at least some people might like. It's still tempting to compare of course. To feel this other person is better but, you can also reason that they're simply different.

Maybe overstepping a mark here but, I think you said you suffer with NPD. So- I suspect that is intensifying all this. The need for approval. I don't know if it quite works the same but, I believe I suffer with limerence. Sometimes, it flares up again. I can feel myself becoming obsessed with someone. The worst thing is- it can be a nice feeling initially. But still- I know where it leads so- I effectively give myself a slap on the wrist/ brain- to tell myself to snap out of it. I know where it leads. Not sure if it's as easy to do with envy. But, can you acknowledge that it could be NPD making you feel it so intensely? Does, knowing that maybe allow you to step back a bit? I tend to be firm with myself saying- this is limerence and, this is what you do to yourself but- seeing as you know how much it screws you up- stop feeding it.

It's definitely the NPD (and I suspect a bit of my BPD too) and I'm usually able to snap myself out of it, but lately I can't. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm setting up an appointment to hopefully address some physical illness I'm dealing with that may be worsening my mood and I have to find a good psych too so I can get some meds (I don't know if they'd want a blood test before giving me benzos or anything and that's what I know works, but maybe they have some sort of med to help me at least), but I'm terrified it'll do nothing and I'll still be stuck.

I suppose the obvious thing- if you truly can't live with it though- is to try to pursue something you might be admired for. It may take time to become good. You may be set back from others who have been doing it longer but, if you don't try, you don't know.

Being creative was important to me from a young age. I'm not really sure if I did it for praise. Certainly sometimes I did. Plus, you kind of need it to an extent for others to be willing to employ you. But- there were times I thought I would have to quit. I remember feeling probably the worst I've ever felt going into my dreadful retail job- after an awful meeting with an agent- feeling I would have to quit.

Ultimately though- I was so intensely miserable during that period- that I knew I couldn't go on like it. I ended up doing a second degree in my late 20's- to put me back on track. I think there were 5 or more mature students in my year. I was so worried I'd be 10 years older than everyone. But, it's not uncommon these days for older people to return to study, change direction- whatever. Maybe that could be an option? I felt I needed the structure again. I wanted to learn new skills. I wanted to create stuff that needed to meet a standard and be graded. It helped put me on a new track.

My disabilities and life situation have been really preventing me from doing anything worthwhile. I can just hope that it'll work out. But hope is fleeting. It feels like if I ever do get stable enough to get education, I'll be in my 30s already. I feel lost.

Thank you for your kind words. Even if I still feel stuck it's very nice to hear

 

[itsgone2]

I can't take this anymore. It's worse because some of these people are so important to me. They're friends, found family, even more. So of course I'm proud of them and I'm so so so so fucking happy for them but I also have this soul-burning envy. Every time I see someone do something impressive, my mood drops like a thousand pound weight and it's getting out of hand.

This is difficult. When it's all around you. People in your circle. Not some far off influencer. I feel it. Always sort of knew I was fake but lucky for a long time.
So many talented people around. No envy. But I do want out. It makes me realize how far off I've been.

 

[kuroshimi]

People often try to show only their achievements, almost nobody want to look a loser.

I was concerned about this too. People around me just doing whatever and it burdened me. At some point, I realized than everyone develops at their own pace.

But now I feeling stuck again. I'm more than halfway to graduation and still didn't done anything. And feeling myself kinda useless.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's definitely the NPD (and I suspect a bit of my BPD too) and I'm usually able to snap myself out of it, but lately I can't. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm setting up an appointment to hopefully address some physical illness I'm dealing with that may be worsening my mood and I have to find a good psych too so I can get some meds (I don't know if they'd want a blood test before giving me benzos or anything and that's what I know works, but maybe they have some sort of med to help me at least), but I'm terrified it'll do nothing and I'll still be stuck.


My disabilities and life situation have been really preventing me from doing anything worthwhile. I can just hope that it'll work out. But hope is fleeting. It feels like if I ever do get stable enough to get education, I'll be in my 30s already. I feel lost.

Thank you for your kind words. Even if I still feel stuck it's very nice to hear

You are taking really positive steps. It's not where you would like to be but, you seem to be doing what you can to address the problems one by one. Ultimately, that's all any of us can do.

But- it sounds like you need to give yourself a break. Remind yourself you probably can't do more for now. I really hope the appointments give you something to help. And, I hope your brain gives you a break too.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

You are taking really positive steps. It's not where you would like to be but, you seem to be doing what you can to address the problems one by one. Ultimately, that's all any of us can do.

But- it sounds like you need to give yourself a break. Remind yourself you probably can't do more for now. I really hope the appointments give you something to help. And, I hope your brain gives you a break too.

Thank you so much