Venting Why is dying so complicated?

[ewigeruhe]

I feel like i am at new low all my problems accumulate from day to day and i seem incapabale of ctb. I've been trying partial for the last few days on and off but i can't find my sweet spot to go unconcious. I know that this issue is discussed here a lot and many people have the same issues. Today i tried for two hours already, fortunately in my case is that i live alone and nobody checks on me.
Although my parents are getting suspicous and i am sure i have hurt them a lot already by not speaking with them for a long time. I only respond to their messages when i feel they get desperate about me and i get afraid they decide to show up or call the cops. I can't endure a day in this apathy anymore.
I've started to drink some whisky now and listen to some sad music. My head feels a bit funny due to the attempts but i think the only positive is i don't have any SI left in me. The only thing that stopped me was the huge uncomfortable pressure in my head so far and i found that sitting leaned against the door with the rope around my neck was relaxing lol.
I am sorry if this is all a bit incoherent but i am just exhausted.

 

[jimmy7754]

i just want to fly with baby Jesus already

 

[ewigeruhe]

i just want to fly with baby Jesus already

yeah i want to come home into nothingness

 

[FuneralCry]

Hanging does sound like a difficult and risky method and I have never attempted it personally as I fear it going wrong in someway. It does make it sound so much easier when you hear about people in news articles succeeding with it, but in reality it is hard. I think that if it was easier to leave I would already be gone.

Dying really should not be so complicated, a peaceful exit should be a human right and it is cruel and unfair how the society makes dying so unnecessarily awful for us. I understand the feeling of being tired of everything. Non existence is all that I want as well. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

 

[ewigeruhe]

Hanging does sound like a difficult and risky method and I have never attempted it personally as I fear it going wrong in someway. It does make it sound so much easier when you hear about people in news articles succeeding with it, but in reality it is hard. I think that if it was easier to leave I would already be gone.

Dying really should not be so complicated, a peaceful exit should be a human right and it is cruel and unfair how the society makes dying so unnecessarily awful for us. I understand the feeling of being tired of everything. Non existence is all that I want as well. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

Thank you for your kindness! I wish i were gone already and i really don't know why i waited for so long to even try all my life was the same miserable cycle and the few happy moments i still can recall from my early childhood feel even more false when i look at it now and at what a pathetic, weak and miserable man i've become.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I think I'm gonna give up on the sweet spot and just see how far I can go with compression.. a lot of accidental auto erotic hangings occur because they push controlled strangulation (or breath play) a little too far to the point it makes them fall unconscious before they can stop themselves. Because I also want to complete partial I think I'm just going to have to see how far I can go with this controlled strangulation/breath play approach but in a non-sexual way, of course.. and see if I can fall unconscious that way.

I know it makes me sound weak that I won't just do full suspension or try to hang quickly and forcefully, I just don't want to suffer too much and make it as peaceful as it can be

 

[ewigeruhe]

I think I'm gonna give up on the sweet spot and just see how far I can go with compression.. a lot of accidental auto erotic hangings occur because they push controlled strangulation (or breath play) a little too far to the point it makes them fall unconscious before they can stop themselves. Because I also want to complete partial I think I'm just going to have to see how far I can go with this controlled strangulation/breath play approach but in a non-sexual way, of course.. and see if I can fall unconscious that way.

I know it makes me sound weak that I won't just do full suspension or try to hang quickly and forcefully, I just don't want to suffer too much and make it as peaceful as it can be

I agree and that makes you certainly not weak the act to take his own life requires a huge amount of courage no matter the way. But i feel a bit at a loss today because i put the rope all over my neck and didn't find any difference i also tried with extra padding (small towel) around my neck makes it a lot more comfortable and leaves no marks. So far i am afraid the only thing i achieved is losing some more braincells due to high blood pressure in my brain.

 

[toforigivelife]

I hate to ask a redundant question but have you tried professional help. Meds? Therapy?

I'm assuming that you have.

But if you haven't you may want to give the professional help route a try. You may be one of the lucky ones where professional help works for you and helps you.

You're in a rush to CBT, you haven't had much success, your parents are very worried (and would be left to deal with the aftermath of your passing) - maybe something is telling you that this isn't the right time.

Is there any way that you can find some kind of relief so that you can give CTB some more thought in clearer state of mind?

In the meantime, I don't know if this will help but you can try, taking 500 mg of Acetaminophen, or Tylenol, in the evening with dinner has shown improvement in depression symptoms.

Again, this may help you make your decision while in more clear state of mind.

 

[ewigeruhe]

I hate to ask a redundant question but have you tried professional help. Meds? Therapy?

I'm assuming that you have.

But if you haven't you may want to give the professional help route a try. You may be one of the lucky ones where professional help works for you and helps you.

You're in a rush to CBT, you haven't had much success, your parents are very worried (and would be left to deal with the aftermath of your passing) - maybe something is telling you that this isn't the right time.

Is there any way that you can find some kind of relief so that you can give CTB some more thought in clearer state of mind?

In the meantime, I don't know if this will help but you can try, taking 500 mg of Acetaminophen, or Tylenol, in the evening with dinner has shown improvement in depression symptoms.

Again, this may help you make your decision while in more clear state of mind.

Thank you for your helpfull advise much appreciated and no i haven't had any professional help or meds at all. I have not a high opinion of modern medicine in this matter and the fear to end up as a victim of the system as so many poor souls before is too great for me.
I know it's sounding stupid but i feel even if medicine would be able to help me in regards of mood improvement for example i wouldn't be myself anymore.
For me personally it's as if i never was destined to live anyway and since i am emotionally dead i don't even care if my passing in this way hurts others. I know it's sad but it is how it is.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I'm 32 and never once took antidepressants or any kind of medication to help with my depression or anxiety. Mostly because I don't want to have to rely on a chemical or a pill to 'live', and most people on antidepressants seem to become more depressed or suicidal because their emotions are suppressed and numbed

 

[Floofy Clouds]

Well, birth is difficult and life is difficult so it follows that death will be difficult. If you're in an N coma, it seems you won't consciously experience the difficulty but your body will be fighting until the last.

 

[ewigeruhe]

I'm 32 and never once took antidepressants or any kind of medication to help with my depression or anxiety. Mostly because I don't want to have to rely on a chemical or a pill to 'live', and most people on antidepressants seem to become more depressed or suicidal because their emotions are suppressed and numbed

It seems we both have many things in common my friend even though in a sad way.