Story Why I'm suicidal

[AnonymousCupcake]

I've had a crush on a guy for YEARS ever since we met in high school. He told me over a year ago now that it'd be cool to date me and that was one of the happiest days of my life. We eventually started kissing thinking we were gonna date, but everything was all temporary. The last time we kissed was January 17th of this year, and when he told me about his different views on some things in February, I didn't want to see him in person and I stopped talking to him for like 2 months. After talking about our differences in April, he told me that the cons were true. He then told me he was thinking about us kissing again and then later down the road we'll date, but he wasn't sure about that. It gave me hope that we would some day be together. Then we get to June.. he tells me that he doesn't feel the same way for me. All I could think about that day was suicide and that being my escape from the rejection. I love all the good things about him and I just don't see why he can't imagine himself being with me because we both have a deep love for video games. On the 14th of June, I tried to hang myself and I couldn't get it to work, but after putting socks on my neck, IT WAS WORKING. I would get lightheaded and SUPER wobbly, but sadly, that's the closest I got to passing out. I wanted to feel that again. I got another chance on the 20th of June, but it wasn't working, and for some reason, I told him and he then told my brother who then came home from work and called 911 on me. I ended up in the psych ward from the 20th to the 25th. He didn't think that he should be talking to me after I got released, so we didn't talk for a month. I told him when it was a month later that I couldn't forgive him for being a contributing factor for me ending up in the psych ward. I told him earlier that being at psych wards makes me feel worse and I get traumatized there, and he didn't listen. From that point on until now, we had some discussions here and there about us dating, and I was getting mixed messages. I sent him a long text of my thoughts and screenshots relating to what we've talked about and he responded to it. Basically, he said that he didn't see a relationship between us in that way anymore because he's busy, but I then asked further about that and he then told me later on that he imagines himself with me in certain aspects, but not others. The certain aspects he told me about, he told me that we can just do those things as friends. I asked him about a whole bunch of different things, but when he told me on Monday that I would be miserable dating him because I get frustrated when he doesn't respond for hours, I told him that everything doesn't matter now and that he doesn't have to respond to anything anymore. He told me yesterday (10/16) that he only has platonic feelings for me and not romantic feelings.

My suicidal feelings will DEFINITELY go away if he and I were dating. I wish things were different. Those nights of hugging and kissing.. that one night where we hugged longer than usual.. those days were also one of the happiest days of my life and I MISS THAT SO MUCH.

I just want to die. I can't put my romantic feelings aside this time because of what we've done and I just don't feel like I'm able to hangout with him now. I don't want to leave him either because he's the only actual friend who I want to talk and hangout with, but if I leave him, I'll have no one.

This post is in response to another post asking people why they're suicidal and if they would still be suicidal if the problem was solved.

 

[unbelievablydead]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what you're feeling and what you're going through. Mixed signals are the worst, especially after you've been intimate with someone, in any capacity. I of course can't speak for your friend, but just based on similar accounts, it seems like there are more than just platonic feelings there for him, but he may be suppressing them for whatever reason. I just wanted to tell you that someone else's actions have nothing to do with you and your inherent worth/lovability and everything to do with them and their capacity. I know it's hard to maybe see rn, but I promise there are people who will stick by you through everything and be sure about you. However, I know it still really sucks that this person can't be that (or at least not rn). I don't want to provide unsolicited advice, but I know for me, grieving the loss of a (potential) relationship in many different ways (crying, singing break up songs, punching things if i'm angry, etc;), is highly therapeutic. But I understand that that may not be where you're at, and that makes sense. It sounds like this person meant a lot to you and this is something you really wanted, and that's a really difficult thing to let go of. There's no timeline and no "right" way of going about this, and however you go about it is of course your decision. Much peace and love to you <3

 

[AnonymousCupcake]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what you're feeling and what you're going through. Mixed signals are the worst, especially after you've been intimate with someone, in any capacity. I of course can't speak for your friend, but just based on similar accounts, it seems like there are more than just platonic feelings there for him, but he may be suppressing them for whatever reason. I just wanted to tell you that someone else's actions have nothing to do with you and your inherent worth/lovability and everything to do with them and their capacity. I know it's hard to maybe see rn, but I promise there are people who will stick by you through everything and be sure about you. However, I know it still really sucks that this person can't be that (or at least not rn). I don't want to provide unsolicited advice, but I know for me, grieving the loss of a (potential) relationship in many different ways (crying, singing break up songs, punching things if i'm angry, etc;), is highly therapeutic. But I understand that that may not be where you're at, and that makes sense. It sounds like this person meant a lot to you and this is something you really wanted, and that's a really difficult thing to let go of. There's no timeline and no "right" way of going about this, and however you go about it is of course your decision. Much peace and love to you <3

Thank you for your response!

 

[lunar02102009]

I've had a crush on a guy for YEARS ever since we met in high school. He told me over a year ago now that it'd be cool to date me and that was one of the happiest days of my life. We eventually started kissing thinking we were gonna date, but everything was all temporary. The last time we kissed was January 17th of this year, and when he told me about his different views on some things in February, I didn't want to see him in person and I stopped talking to him for like 2 months. After talking about our differences in April, he told me that the cons were true. He then told me he was thinking about us kissing again and then later down the road we'll date, but he wasn't sure about that. It gave me hope that we would some day be together. Then we get to June.. he tells me that he doesn't feel the same way for me. All I could think about that day was suicide and that being my escape from the rejection. I love all the good things about him and I just don't see why he can't imagine himself being with me because we both have a deep love for video games. On the 14th of June, I tried to hang myself and I couldn't get it to work, but after putting socks on my neck, IT WAS WORKING. I would get lightheaded and SUPER wobbly, but sadly, that's the closest I got to passing out. I wanted to feel that again. I got another chance on the 20th of June, but it wasn't working, and for some reason, I told him and he then told my brother who then came home from work and called 911 on me. I ended up in the psych ward from the 20th to the 25th. He didn't think that he should be talking to me after I got released, so we didn't talk for a month. I told him when it was a month later that I couldn't forgive him for being a contributing factor for me ending up in the psych ward. I told him earlier that being at psych wards makes me feel worse and I get traumatized there, and he didn't listen. From that point on until now, we had some discussions here and there about us dating, and I was getting mixed messages. I sent him a long text of my thoughts and screenshots relating to what we've talked about and he responded to it. Basically, he said that he didn't see a relationship between us in that way anymore because he's busy, but I then asked further about that and he then told me later on that he imagines himself with me in certain aspects, but not others. The certain aspects he told me about, he told me that we can just do those things as friends. I asked him about a whole bunch of different things, but when he told me on Monday that I would be miserable dating him because I get frustrated when he doesn't respond for hours, I told him that everything doesn't matter now and that he doesn't have to respond to anything anymore. He told me yesterday (10/16) that he only has platonic feelings for me and not romantic feelings.

My suicidal feelings will DEFINITELY go away if he and I were dating. I wish things were different. Those nights of hugging and kissing.. that one night where we hugged longer than usual.. those days were also one of the happiest days of my life and I MISS THAT SO MUCH.

I just want to die. I can't put my romantic feelings aside this time because of what we've done and I just don't feel like I'm able to hangout with him now. I don't want to leave him either because he's the only actual friend who I want to talk and hangout with, but if I leave him, I'll have no one.

This post is in response to another post asking people why they're suicidal and if they would still be suicidal if the problem was solved.

Same here pretty much. Just the genders swapped and maybe too much pain she found someone else.

 

[AnonymousCupcake]

Same here pretty much. Just the genders swapped and maybe too much pain she found someone else.

Wait, you also kissed her even though you were just friends too? Or minus that?

 

[lunar02102009]

Wait, you also kissed her even though you were just friends too? Or minus that?

You will laught at me for this but it was online , before this attempt i had tried to ctb 2 times for someone else who i kissed irl and hugged...for long

 

[AnonymousCupcake]

You will laught at me for this but it was online , before this attempt i had tried to ctb 2 times for someone else who i kissed irl and hugged...for long

I'm not laughing. It's okay. It really sucks, doesn't it?

We talked about starting to kiss again, but because of our different beliefs on things, there's no point in doing it again. I thought I was gonna be happy again, but now I don't know what to do. I either kill myself or leave him and be alone because I keep hurting people who I get close with.

 

[lunar02102009]

I'm not laughing. It's okay. It really sucks, doesn't it?

We talked about starting to kiss again, but because of our different beliefs on things, there's no point in doing it again. I thought I was gonna be happy again, but now I don't know what to do. I either kill myself or leave him and be alone because I keep hurting people who I get close with.

You know one unique thing about me is that people have always left me. I have never left anyone in my enitre life in relationships it was always the other partner who left me

 

[AnonymousCupcake]

You know one unique thing about me is that people have always left me. I have never left anyone in my enitre life in relationships it was always the other partner who left me

Dang.. sorry to hear that..

 

[lunar02102009]

Dang.. sorry to hear that..

if you dont mind me asking wyf?

 

[AnonymousCupcake]

if you dont mind me asking wyf?

Wyf? What does that mean?

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

Wyf? What does that mean?

what are you feeling? At least I believe.

 

[AnonymousCupcake]

what are you feeling? At least I believe.

That's probably it. I actually started to feel better because of the Animal Crossing New Horizons update being announced. I told him after some conversations that I wasn't wanting us to kiss again super badly, that I have to just accept that we're not going to date, and that my feelings for him were starting to fade. I just have conflicting emotions and thoughts now about all this. Do I still miss us kissing on the lips even though I told him that we aren't dating and that it would just be occasional forehead and cheek kisses since we both miss kissing? Do I still have feelings for him still and want to date him and work out our differences? I told him that I had conflicting thoughts and emotions, but didn't want to go further because it was because of relationship stuff and he told me he was tired of those conversations despite him bringing up him wanting to date at the end of the year and him saying that maybe he'll date me. Doesn't make sense that he told me that when he's tired of those conversations and he then told me he doesn't know why he mentioned it, but okay then.