Story Why I'm here.

[Just.Jack]

Hello everyone,
I have just joined this website, nice to meet you all. My first language is not English and I feel like I have many things in my mind, so I'm sorry if my way to tell them is a bit messy.

I have been a student for too much time, and yet it feels like I started yesterday. In the past years I went through long periods of my life where the only thing I did was laying in my bed scrolling some meme website and avoiding contact with the outside world at all cost. I was like being suspended from life, hibernated in my melancholy and apathy, with no interest or objectives, no passion for anything. It's always embarassing to realise that many years have passed when I happen to chat with someone about certain topics (culture mostly).

I've always had that melancholy in my chest, where I somatize all of it, but somehow I became dissociated enough to ignore it and just keep going with my life. However, I started to realise that I cannot deal with it when I started university, having to stay away from my family, alone or with other students. At that time, I slowly realised that ignoring the demon made me stop growing up as a person and developing social skills, and so learning to live with others of my age. I realised, and my first therapist confirmed it, that I have been scared of others basically all my life, because of the way they have always treated me (bullism, judgements, friendships negated, etc) so avoiding contact with people has lead me to develope depression. This avoidance mechanism (anxiety, avoidance, depressione) made my sadness even worse, and spreaded to all aspects of my life, especially to my studies. I started and tried to pursue some interests many times with many things, but eventually I gave up on all of them.

Everything is bad and pointless now, even having a partner. They will find out I am, always, and discover all the negativity I bring with me, and just leave me again. The one I have now is realising how much it sucks to be with me. When I am with her, I mostly have nothing to tell, nor sense of humour, and I feel so empty, being with me is like staying alone. I hate it. With my current partner I discovered how really empty I am and how much I hate myself. An empty shell of a person, already dead inside. I realised that I hate how stupid and slow I am, anxious, socially awkward, weak and craven, and every time there is a social situation I wish Earth could just open and swallow me.

I compare myself with other people more functional than me quite a lot; their confidence and success, added with my pain of living being myself, my feeling of inadequacy and my are, right now, the main reason I wish to kill myself. The pain is so strong and pointless that I have to somatize it one way or another. For now I only point sharp scissors to my chest and press them towards my heart. Doing this gives me a bit more courage to finally stab myself. It's the worst way to go probably, but I cannot imagine another good way. Getting chemicals seems to require a lot of effort... I just want to end it, my life is pointless, I'm just a waste of oxygen. I want to stab myself so badly, but it's scary, I'm scared of what could happen it I try and fail. I don't want be closed in a clinic for mental health and take more drugs...

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello everyone,
I have just joined this website, nice to meet you all. My first language is not English and I feel like I have many things in my mind, so I'm sorry if my way to tell them is a bit messy.

Hello, welcome to this forum, and I'm not a native speaker either, so please take it easy.

I have been a student for too much time, and yet it feels like I started yesterday. In the past years I went through long periods of my life where the only thing I did was laying in my bed scrolling some meme website and avoiding contact with the outside world at all cost. I was like being suspended from life, hibernated in my melancholy and apathy, with no interest or objectives, no passion for anything. It's always embarassing to realise that many years have passed when I happen to chat with someone about certain topics (culture mostly).

I've always had that melancholy in my chest, where I somatize all of it, but somehow I became dissociated enough to ignore it and just keep going with my life. However, I started to realise that I cannot deal with it when I started university, having to stay away from my family, alone or with other students. At that time, I slowly realised that ignoring the demon made me stop growing up as a person and developing social skills, and so learning to live with others of my age. I realised, and my first therapist confirmed it, that I have been scared of others basically all my life, because of the way they have always treated me (bullism, judgements, friendships negated, etc) so avoiding contact with people has lead me to develope depression. This avoidance mechanism (anxiety, avoidance, depressione) made my sadness even worse, and spreaded to all aspects of my life, especially to my studies. I started and tried to pursue some interests many times with many things, but eventually I gave up on all of them.

I'm so sorry to hear you've treated badly throughout your life. I think people generally are just cruel, but on this forum I've met surprisingly kind people. I hope you find compassionate ones as well.

Everything is bad and pointless now, even having a partner. They will find out I am, always, and discover all the negativity I bring with me, and just leave me again. The one I have now is realising how much it sucks to be with me. When I am with her, I mostly have nothing to tell, nor sense of humour, and I feel so empty, being with me is like staying alone. I hate it. With my current partner I discovered how really empty I am and how much I hate myself. An empty shell of a person, already dead inside. I realised that I hate how stupid and slow I am, anxious, socially awkward, weak and craven, and every time there is a social situation I wish Earth could just open and swallow me.

Now I'm not awkward in a social situation but I had social anxiety 15 years ago and it was disheartening. I thought I can't do any job and destined to go homeless and die on the street. And not having something to share with your partner is scary. I don't talk much outside this forum because I know little about popular culture. It's very isolating and I'm so sorry you're enduring this situation.

I compare myself with other people more functional than me quite a lot; their confidence and success, added with my pain of living being myself, my feeling of inadequacy and my are, right now, the main reason I wish to kill myself.

This is my reason to want to die as well. People say "don't compare yourself with others" but I found it's difficult because competition is one of the most fundamental part of human life. Compete or leave from this world. I chose to leave and have made several CTB attempts but I didn't complete them and I'm still here.

The pain is so strong and pointless that I have to somatize it one way or another. For now I only point sharp scissors to my chest and press them towards my heart. Doing this gives me a bit more courage to finally stab myself. It's the worst way to go probably, but I cannot imagine another good way. Getting chemicals seems to require a lot of effort... I just want to end it, my life is pointless, I'm just a waste of oxygen. I want to stab myself so badly, but it's scary, I'm scared of what could happen it I try and fail. I don't want be closed in a clinic for mental health and take more drugs...

I never recommend this to anybody but I once self-harmed and it helped me a lot because it alleviated my sense of helplessness. I could cut myself despite it's scary and painful. And a psych ward stay after an attempt seems to be designed to scare people away from CTB. I've heard a lot of horror stories from psychiatric clinics - some of them seemed to be an unusual punishment.

Feeling dead inside can lead to suicide - I can say your suffering is very real, and I'm so sorry for that.

I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

 

[justpeachyyyy]

I also just joined because of a final nail in the coffin so to speak. I relate to a lot of what you said. I haven't been able to go outside in years and I feel like I've wasted peak years of my life because of that. Before then I didn't really go out much anyways or interact with people outside of the internet and I also felt mentally stunted because of it.
However, I had social anxiety that switched to general anxiety and I no longer have that much trouble talking to people. Something that helped me with that is playing more chill social games with no pressure to talk to people. Another weird thing that helped was using Alexa. I noticed I would stutter at first when asking a question but as time went on it became a lot easier and it transferred to talking with people in general.
Contrary to what some might think, relationships don't really help with much regarding feeling like this. My current relationship has only pushed me into feeling more and more depressed and of course I can't talk about any related feelings since they even said they'd commit me. I recommend talking to like minded people which is why I made an account here.
Distract yourself as much as possible with games, videos, anything that you're able to. I found that thinking about things and festering made it a lot worse. I hope there are better days for you soon and I'm sorry if my advice was not wanted.

 

[theboy]

maybe in the future you will know why you are here.

 

[Just.Jack]

I'm so sorry to hear you've treated badly throughout your life. I think people generally are just cruel, but on this forum I've met surprisingly kind people. I hope you find compassionate ones as well.

Thank you, you are surely one of those kind people.

Now I'm not awkward in a social situation but I had social anxiety 15 years ago and it was disheartening. I thought I can't do any job and destined to go homeless and die on the street. And not having something to share with your partner is scary. I don't talk much outside this forum because I know little about popular culture. It's very isolating and I'm so sorry you're enduring this situation.

The worst thing is having not much to talk even in my head, it's just a voice that tells me that I have been and will always be a waste, and other bad things, because it's all I can see right now. And out of my room there are just reasons and small moments and things that people say, and situations that I find myself in that confirm how much I'm a useless idiot.

This is my reason to want to die as well. People say "don't compare yourself with others" but I found it's difficult because competition is one of the most fundamental part of human life. Compete or leave from this world. I chose to leave and have made several CTB attempts but I didn't complete them and I'm still here.

i'm sorry you had to endure multiple tries, I hope whatever path you'll take will lead to serenity, eventually. I have never actually tried. I will find the courage, eventually.
Competition was something that I had to handle myself without any help from my parents. I don't remember any moment where my parents encouraged me to be strong and not to fear the others. And the others who raised me, mostly outside my home (tutors, teachers) repressed me and made me stop competing with other children, and deleted all the energy and the determination I had. I kept going to school just because I had to, and because I was scared of "staying behind" eithout really knowing why. I feel like I haven't really had a purpose in life, I wonder what was the point of no return...n

Feeling dead inside can lead to suicide - I can say your suffering is very real, and I'm so sorry for that.

I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

Pointing and pushing something sharp right where I somatize really helps. I'm glad you managed to alleviate your pain somehow.

Thank you for taking your time to answer to my post, you are very kind

 

[Just.Jack]

I also just joined because of a final nail in the coffin so to speak. I relate to a lot of what you said. I haven't been able to go outside in years and I feel like I've wasted peak years of my life because of that. Before then I didn't really go out much anyways or interact with people outside of the internet and I also felt mentally stunted because of it.

Yeah exactly, I feel that the worst part for me was waking up and looking myself into the mirror and realise how much time has passed and how little I grew, all by staying in bed lost in the dark. When I tried to chat with someone ourside the internet I felt like an alien, I couldn't relate to their way of life, having interests and thinking about the future. Then someone in my life came, in the end, but I'm just dragging her down with me, so other than the usual anxiety and depression there is also that deep guilt of being myself.

However, I had social anxiety that switched to general anxiety and I no longer have that much trouble talking to people. Something that helped me with that is playing more chill social games with no pressure to talk to people. Another weird thing that helped was using Alexa. I noticed I would stutter at first when asking a question but as time went on it became a lot easier and it transferred to talking with people in general.

I didn't expect to hear this as a way to heal and "train" social skills. I will try:)

Contrary to what some might think, relationships don't really help with much regarding feeling like this. My current relationship has only pushed me into feeling more and more depressed and of course I can't talk about any related feelings since they even said they'd commit me. I recommend talking to like minded people which is why I made an account here.
Distract yourself as much as possible with games, videos, anything that you're able to. I found that thinking about things and festering made it a lot worse. I hope there are better days for you soon and I'm sorry if my advice was not wanted.

Thank you, I will try. Thank you for taking your time to answer to me thread, I mean it)

maybe in the future you will know why you are here.

I wonder what I'll discover)