Venting Why Im here

[sadsamantha]

Here is my story. Sorry it's so long.

I am transgender male to female. I come from a very conservative family, so a lot of them abandoned me after I transitioned. This caused me to fall into a deep pit of depression and because of this, I ended up turning to drugs to cope, and things got even worse after that.

I met a guy named Mike almost 4 years ago, in the midst of my addiction. We met on a fetish site. We mostly talked about our fetish. Then, I went to rehab in an attempt to recover from my addiction. When I got out of rehab, I messaged Mike again and he told me that he had a girlfriend. I congratulated him and figured we wouldn't talk anymore. But he kept messaging me because his girlfriend didn't have the sexual fetish we have so he still needed me to fulfill it. But then, we started talking about other things to. This was a very very dark time for me, trying to navigate sobriety all alone. He truly was the only one that was there for me. I started to fall in love. I knew this wasn't good because he was no longer available. So, I told him to stop talking to me, and I explained that it was because I was starting to catch feelings for him but he was no longer available. But he wouldn't stop talking to me. He told me that the feelings were mutual and that he was going to leave his gf to come be with me, and we started planning our future together. I was madly in love with him at this point.

Then, his gf found out about me and suddenly, he changed his mind. She made him change his number and block me on all social media. And he did. And I was absolutely crushed. But I did everything I could to get over it. I gave myself time to mourn the relationship. Then, I tried seeing other people. But it didn't matter, I only wanted him and didn't want to be with anyone else. So, I started going to counseling. The counselor gave me some advice: "Work on yourself. Put the energy that you put towards missing him, to something more productive." So, I did that. I finished my bachelor's degree, and landed a really good job. It still didn't make much of a difference, even though I didn't want to, I was still thinking about him every second of everyday.

Then, exactly one year ago to the date, things changed for the better, and he messaged me and told me that his relationship with his gf was on the rocks and he wanted me back. I was so happy. Again, we started planning our future together and he said some really mean things about his to me. He told me exactly how he planned to leave her. "I'm just going to pack my stuff and leave a note." I thought that this nightmare was finally over. Then, we got into an argument and basically the same thing happened, he blocked me on everything and still to this day, he refuses to speak to me.

I am absolutely crushed. I lost my job. I can't even get out of bed most days. I miss him like crazy. The thought of being with anybody else truly makes me want to vomit. I love him so so much. I know I'm fucked up in the head to be so down and depressed over one person, but I truly can't help it. I have been hospitalized. I have seen many therapists. I am convinced that the only way to stop this pain is to die. I just need to figure out how.

 

[Pluto]

Sorry to hear this situation has caused you so much distress.

Putting 2 and 2 together, the extreme feelings of abandonment and loss are not only because of Mike, but because of the earlier troubles with your family. When we lack the support of a family, it means that we want a partner to be everything. It also means that losing them feels like the end of the world.

I've been through this too, and unfortunately can't say I really have a solution. I've often found myself coming across to prospective partners as needy. I'm quite isolated and the idea of a healthy relationship would be an absolute utopia by comparison - if only it were possible. But it's not healthy, since people have evolved to have some sort of a tribe or community around them. The whole situation is a perversion.

 

[makethepainstop]

Here is my story. Sorry it's so long.

I am transgender male to female. I come from a very conservative family, so a lot of them abandoned me after I transitioned. This caused me to fall into a deep pit of depression and because of this, I ended up turning to drugs to cope, and things got even worse after that.

I met a guy named Mike almost 4 years ago, in the midst of my addiction. We met on a fetish site. We mostly talked about our fetish. Then, I went to rehab in an attempt to recover from my addiction. When I got out of rehab, I messaged Mike again and he told me that he had a girlfriend. I congratulated him and figured we wouldn't talk anymore. But he kept messaging me because his girlfriend didn't have the sexual fetish we have so he still needed me to fulfill it. But then, we started talking about other things to. This was a very very dark time for me, trying to navigate sobriety all alone. He truly was the only one that was there for me. I started to fall in love. I knew this wasn't good because he was no longer available. So, I told him to stop talking to me, and I explained that it was because I was starting to catch feelings for him but he was no longer available. But he wouldn't stop talking to me. He told me that the feelings were mutual and that he was going to leave his gf to come be with me, and we started planning our future together. I was madly in love with him at this point.

Then, his gf found out about me and suddenly, he changed his mind. She made him change his number and block me on all social media. And he did. And I was absolutely crushed. But I did everything I could to get over it. I gave myself time to mourn the relationship. Then, I tried seeing other people. But it didn't matter, I only wanted him and didn't want to be with anyone else. So, I started going to counseling. The counselor gave me some advice: "Work on yourself. Put the energy that you put towards missing him, to something more productive." So, I did that. I finished my bachelor's degree, and landed a really good job. It still didn't make much of a difference, even though I didn't want to, I was still thinking about him every second of everyday.

Then, exactly one year ago to the date, things changed for the better, and he messaged me and told me that his relationship with his gf was on the rocks and he wanted me back. I was so happy. Again, we started planning our future together and he said some really mean things about his to me. He told me exactly how he planned to leave her. "I'm just going to pack my stuff and leave a note." I thought that this nightmare was finally over. Then, we got into an argument and basically the same thing happened, he blocked me on everything and still to this day, he refuses to speak to me.

I am absolutely crushed. I lost my job. I can't even get out of bed most days. I miss him like crazy. The thought of being with anybody else truly makes me want to vomit. I love him so so much. I know I'm fucked up in the head to be so down and depressed over one person, but I truly can't help it. I have been hospitalized. I have seen many therapists. I am convinced that the only way to stop this pain is to die. I just need to figure out how.

Honey, there are more Mikes out there! Find another Mike, or Joe, Billy, Steven, Ronny, Eddy, Buddy, Chuck, David, Ryan, Chad.........No matter how kinky one is there is ALWAYS someone else who enjoys the same thing. (8 billion people on earth, sugar, there is someone for all of us. Finding him or her is always the bitch kitty. But when you find him or her, its like heaven!)❤ You hunk is out there, but you have to go hunting to capture your fine prince.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really painful and hard to deal with what you go through, it's such a cruel existence where all of this suffering exists and it's true that humans are certainly responsible for a lot of it. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I get why you would feel so tired, I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.