Why I will never again tell anyone outside of SS about my ctb thoughts

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Outside of this site and a moderately pro-choice philosophy space I often engage with, I will never be able to share my suicidal thoughts again.

All of the suicide awareness flyers, feel good documentary commentators, social media virtue signallers, celebrity influencers, and mental health charity cabals will tell you to just talk to someone. Pick up the phone and have a chat with someone you trust, then your urges will be abated, right?

Here is why I will never ever take part in this nonsense again. I cannot understate how disappointed and afraid this whole situation has made me feel. To fully understand why I feel so betrayed in this moment, you need context of the dynamic between my best friend and I.

For around the past 3 years or so, I have been very close friends with a person I met online. We hold very similar views about life, death, breaking away from societal NPC scripts, philosophy, current events, music, romance, the whole nine yards. Hell, we were both users of the old SS subreddit.

We have always supported each other no matter what, one could say we were as close as two peas in a pod. Despite not wanting the other to go, both of us respected each other's wishes and did not use forceful measures when trying to dissuade the other from ctb.

I have stood by my best friend through multiple attempts of his own. I have never once called a police officer, and have instead used gentle reassurance to let him know I would be by his side no matter what, to listen and hear him out on whatever he wants to say. I believe this is the way to do it, personally. I knew involving other people would cause a world of hurt for my best friend, as his parents are not very understanding of the pain he endures.

A couple days ago, I attempt ctb. After completing all the necessary preparation to take SN, I make sure my notes are legible and finalised, then I begin to say my goodbyes to my best friend, letting him know I'm exiting this world very soon. Without my consent, he immediately tells one of my roommates about my ctb attempt.

My roommate chatted with me for a bit, I tried my best to get her to stay out of it as I did not want her involved. Once again, without my permission nor my knowledge, she contacts the police. Over the course of several hours my phone is exploding with unmarked calls from law enforcement.

Once I've woken up from my stupor, I have a conversation with them on the phone, and assure them that I am alright, I'm awake, alert, fine, etc. The woman on the line lets on like she needs my adress to document a report in the system. This is another covert scheme to get me to reveal information, because not even an hour later there are police at my boyfriend's home, beating on the door.

My boyfriend had just broken it off with me the night before, so there's a wild look of fervor in his eyes while he silently mouths out, "what the hell did you do?" Both my boyfriend and his grandparent were informed that I attempted suicide, and I got a lecture from police officers about my "silly and stupid behavior."

The officers were kind enough, they seemed to just have a laugh over the whole thing, promptly making a comment about how I better not do something stupid again cause they'd be real annoyed if they had to show up twice over me. They made a passing remark about help being out there, then left me to my own devices.

I thought this was the end, but no, 10 minutes later there's ambulance sirens outside, paramedics wanting to see me. Before they had a chance to bust down the door, my boyfriend tried to protect me and told them that I would not want to speak to them. He begged them to leave, but they would not, and so the pair came barging into my bedroom. They dumped a load of medical equipment on my bed, and explained they wanted to have a quick chat with me.

By that point, my mind and body are wracked with fear and adrenaline. I am autistic and selectively mute, so being exposed to a load of ptsd triggers on top of an already overehelming situation that's wreaking havoc on my autistic brain was nothing short of a nightmare.

I tried to tell them that I was okay, denied any intention of planning suicide, of currently contemplating it, anything to get these people the hell away from me. They would not let my partner speak, and I was struggling to get words out. I imagine I looked like a scared animal more than a human being in those moments, a deer caught in the headlights of a truck barrelling right towards it.

They wanted to do medical examinations on me, and I frantically said no. I think they could sense the pure panic and fear in my voice. I laid curled up on my bed with my nails dug into my arms, so afraid and upset these paramedics would lay their hands on me and have me sent to the psych hospital.

They asked me lots of questions about myself, and kept inquiring as to why I was not "seeking help". Over and over again they would parrot the same canned lines about contacting the GP, reaching out for counselling, asking the GP for counselling. It was as if they did not know how to deviate from this trite script.

Throughout this entire charade, there was the underlying assumption that I am mentally ill, of unsound mind. They pegged me as depressed without me giving a single indication of such an affliction. I told them honestly that I have severe ptsd partially because of what a medical doctor did to my body, that I do not want to talk to a GP, because it only further solidifies that fear and I find it totally unhelpful.

I told them that many forms of "help" are denied to me due to my nationality, that I have tried reaching out to services for disabled and traumatized people, and I can't get anything. I didn't even open the can of worms that is the suffering I endure as a consequence of my physical disabilities, because as I've said, there was the assumption being made that I'm mentally ill and not thinking straight.

I doubt they could fathom someone wanting to die due to a chronic, incurable physical disease. Rational suicide is about as familiar of a concept to most people as never before seen hieroglyphic runes.

Finally, the paramedics said they would leave me in peace. They gathered up all their equipment and their paperwork, then sat in our drive for a good hour. At the end of the afternoon, one of the women returned with some papers from her clipboard, what was supposed to be a medical exam report, but it was all scribbled out since I'd told them not to touch me.

My boyfriend was very upset with me at first. Eventually he mellowed out and apologised for the things he'd said the night before, reassured me we weren't breaking up, and I apologised for being too hasty with my words as well. However, he made me apologise to his family for the humiliation and chaos I caused them. I can tell it was a very shameful and embarrassing happening in their view. How dare I want some relief?

This whole time, I was a wreck because I was so afraid. I couldn't eat my lunch or my dinner. I was constantly on edge and paranoid the police might come back, since no one had believed me when I told them I was fine. They tricked and deceived me, yet it was for my own health and safety according to everyone else. Yeah right.

My best friend ignored me during this whole debacle. He informed me that my ctb attempt traumatized him and that he wanted distance from me, so I am lucky to receive even a single message from him now. At a time when I need comfort the most, my best friend in the world is snorting cocaine in a bloody sink of some stranger's bathroom. It really makes me feel loved. Despite the wound this has given me, I don't blame him and I still care for him immensely.

My roommate will not fess up and say she called the cops either. She is pretending that nothing happened. Nothing of significance occurred. Meanwhile, it seems that many of my uni friends have been told about my ctb attempt by her. So now I am viewed differently, treated with an artificial softness and kindness that would not exist if I had not tried to cease my being.

I feel so betrayed by these people who claim to love me. My life is ruined even worse now, because I have accumulated yet another panic inducing experience in my extensive codex of traumatic events. My partner said it should not feel traumatizing, as all of the first responders were nothing but kind and considerate to me. However, I am still traumatized.

In an attempt to "save my life", others have inadvertently soiled it further. I cannot trust anyone now. I am being ignored and treated like a nutcase, simply for the crime of wanting to end my miserable life. I cannot sleep properly, I cannot eat, I cannot laugh or smile, because I am terrified I will be sent to a psych ward if I ever let my mask slip again, revealing my true feelings.

Good job, suicide prevention policies. All of this theatre has made me even more suicidal. Except next time, I won't tell a single soul what I'm feeling or planning.

 

[Pure]

Damn I'm so sorry.

The response to suicide is often worse than attempting it in the first place, people will distance themselves from you and accuse you of traumatizing them while they'll be the first one to say "they wished you would have reached out before taking your life"

I sincerely hope you recover from this situation. This time of contact with medical services is so traumatizing without proper care.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

That sounds horrifying! So much for suicide not being a crime anymore. The're the crazy ones.

 

[Pluto]

Sorry to hear you went through that. It's pretty much my worst nightmare! I really want to tell my best friend about my plans because ironically it would help me to live a bit longer knowing there is some care out there. But it doesn't seem like a good idea. :(

 

[Judah]

Being suicidal seems to be a type of crime, I remember that my father called me a fag for having tried to commit suicide in my adolescence, it is cruel how people react to this, and it is even more cruel how suicides are handled in ignorant third world countries such as mine, where the price of being a suicide is being forced to do military service because "That will make you a man."

Hugs!

 

[toforigivelife]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

What a nightmare. What a traumatic nightmare.

Your "friend" isn't much of a friend and I'm sorry that you had to find this out the hard way.

Law enforcement are the last people you want involved when it comes to anything related to mental health.

I don't want you to ctb but, yes, it is best to keep any and all suicide plans strictly to yourself.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Your "best friend" has some nerve declaring that your attempt traumatised him. So much for being there for you, after all of the dedication and love you have consistently shown him. It seems he cannot fathom the trauma of an unsuccessful attempt, of having your door almost knocked down by paramedics and police, of being brutally betrayed by your best friend in the whole world.

I am sorry, Kuri. I know from experience how frontline services are far from sensitive and trauma-informed. Dumping medical equipment all over your bed with the expectation that you will obey is a massive breach of boundaries. It seems that consent and dignity flies out of the window as far as medical professionals and authorities are concerned. I must emphasize again how proud I am of you for standing your ground in this situation. That must have been so difficult with everything you were experiencing and the pressure placed upon you.

They all seem to adhere to the same script: "There is hope out there," "Your doctor can help you," "Don't do something stupid you might regret." These parroted platitudes are patronising and pretentious at best, dangerously dismissive and callous at worst.

Unfortunately, dragging you through a demeaning, intrusive and traumatic series of events is a socially accepted consequence of attempted suicide. Society teaches us that we must prevent death at all costs. How anyone could possibly conclude that bombarding someone with unsolicited, undesired phone calls, invading their personal space and - in many cases - forcibly detaining them would instill an incentive to live is incomprehensible. It is inhumane and outrageously out of touch. It's not intervention, it's not support, it's punishment.

The insincere softness from your housemates and university friends - being treated like a fragile flower that can crumble in their palms - is something I can understand all too well. It is alienating rather than comforting, especially with the knowledge that you have immediately been judged, labelled irrational and mentally ill and unstable.

Although your boyfriend was right to apologise for his abhorrent behaviour, I still have concerns about him. He has been so cruel to you, Kuri. He has been so abusive and controlling and manipulative. I understand that it is not my place to advise you or tell you what to do - and I greatly respect your autonomy - but I maintain my stance that you deserve far better. I cannot help but wonder if it is only a matter of time before his previous patterns re-emerge, and you are already in a precarious position. Even forcing you to apologise to his family is a sign that his perspective has not changed. However, I also understand how difficult it is when you have no other support system. Please, be careful. You deserve a partner that adores you and that actively, consistently demonstrates that love both in their actions and their words.

I am so sorry for the betrayal you have to contend with, from multiple people in your life. I am sorry for the fresh wounds you have accumulated, which you do not need and certainly do not deserve. I am sorry for the indelible imprint this infuriating fiasco has left behind.

I am so angry and so sad on your behalf that things turned out this way for you. You deserve peace on your own terms, and only on your terms. As much as I wish it could be different, that you could stay, that you did not need to leave, I understand that is not the reality. You have suffered unbearably on this earth, and you have every right to choice and dignity with respect to your body, your life and ultimately your death.

I am here for you. If you ever need to vent, I will listen. If you ever need to cry or scream, I will hold a space for you to do that. If you ever need help, I will always gladly assist you. Sending lots of hugs.

 

[domedune]

Both my boyfriend and his grandparent were informed that I attempted suicide, and I got a lecture from police officers about my "silly and stupid behavior."

The officers were kind enough, they seemed to just have a laugh over the whole thing, promptly making a comment about how I better not do something stupid again cause they'd be real annoyed if they had to show up twice over me. They made a passing remark about help being out there, then left me to my own devices.

Haha what a wacky situation, you scamp! Wtf? If they had nothing to add they shouldn't have said anything.

My mom treated me the same way and had all her friends laugh at me as well. She acted like she was doing me a favor. I'm not planning on leaving a note but thinking about this makes me want to add something. Otherwise she'll lie about being oh so careful and compassionate.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. People are so irrational. You have nothing to apologize for. I completely understand why you would feel traumatized by that and people saying you shouldn't be is fucked up.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Kuri, I'm so sorry for what happened to you these last days. I can hardly imagine how difficult it must have been.

Having your property and privacy violated by people who obviously don't want to help but follow a suicide prevention script created entirely with the purpose of maintaining a flawed society. Their action fills me with fury, and with all due respect, but your "friend"s action were the nothing short than a betrayal of the worst kind. His explanation seems more of an excuse. Of course, I don't know him, yet, I don't know if I could ever trust him again, and it seems that neither you do.

It's good that your boyfriend apologized to you but I agree with @-Persephone-, he were very manipulative and unkind with you countless times. His previous lack of consideration were one of the reasons that led you to this situation. He could be being soft now only because of what happened, just like your uni friends. Speaking of which, it's very unpleasant to be treated with false empathy, obviously those people don't know that, most people outside of this website don't know.

On top of being such a loving person, you are stronger than I could ever picture someone being. You stood your ground, physically and mentally. I must have been very difficult to speak with those jailers wanting to drag you to a ward. I bet those equipment were there just to pick any sign of poisoning on the blood, anxiety or even build a false claim so they had a reason to imprison you. You did very well not to let them examine you. You were amazing. You ARE amazing. My Hero ^^

I'm not lying, I've seen very few people with your courage and determination. I wish I were just as strong as you.

Again, I'm here if you need help. I'll listen, I'll help, I just wish I could do more.
Please, be well. You can trust me, you can trust us. We will always be here for you.

You deserve some rest after all this. Regular rest, but if you want anything else, I'll support you.

Be well, Kuri. Sending you lots of hugs

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

They didn't take your SN?

 

[Judah]

Haha what a wacky situation, you scamp! Wtf? If they had nothing to add they shouldn't have said anything.

My mom treated me the same way and had all her friends laugh at me as well. She acted like she was doing me a favor. I'm not planning on leaving a note but thinking about this makes me want to add something. Otherwise she'll lie about being oh so careful and compassionate.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. People are so irrational. You have nothing to apologize for. I completely understand why you would feel traumatized by that and people saying you shouldn't be is fucked up.

In high school, I tried CTB, when my teachers found out, I was not even in a position to assimilate information, one of the teachers came up just to remind me of the mental illnesses that I suffer from, I never knew with what intention.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

They didn't take your SN?

Thankfully they had no idea.

As far as my roommate was concerned, she only knew I'd taken prep to do something worse, and I was quite fucked up on the high dose of propranol and meto mixed with pain meds.

Even my partner has no knowledge of my SN. They would have taken it for sure if they knew I had it, but they couldn't take my other drugs away because they were prescriptions.

Stealth + 50

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have been through this. The way I see it, despite the media saying to reach out to others and to share how you are feeling, I always see it as doing more harm than good. In my case if I told others they would do everything to keep me alive at all costs rather than respect my wishes, as my death would negatively affect them. People are selfish.

I wish we lived in a society which allowed the right to die, where we can end it on our own terms, peacefully without having to carry the burden of others finding out and stopping the attempt. We deserve that option as we never asked to be here and suffer in the first place. The way I see it, suicide can be a perfectly rational decision. Many people do not want to put up with decades of suffering. For some people there is nothing that will help, despite how others who do not understand what you are going through, insist that you must seek it. I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do.

 

[Seiba]

How shameful of them. Dumb as fuck he made you apologize to his family over your suicide attempt. I lack the ability to say anything worthwhile, but maybe it's a consolation for it to be known you were heard in a way that isn't just a hug emote. The betrayal of your friend is pretty sad, more so since you stuck by him and his choice yet when it was your turn he decided to ruin things instead. The cowardice of your roommate is also disgusting.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Having a similar experience, this hits close to home. I echo the same sentiments as many others here—I am appalled by the apparent breach of trust by he whom you consider your close friend and confidante, and the nerve of him to make it all about himself. Your traumatic experiences with medical professionals you mentioned in numerous posts make my blood boil. As such, I am impressed by your courage to stand your ground in spite of what was a blatant invasion of privacy, and disregard for your personal space.

Previously, due to the nature of the subject matter and my lack of experience in it, I refrained from comment as I did not want to exacerbate an already volatile situation. However, the 'heel-face turn' your partner pulled is enough for me to break my silence, as he is one whom I would implore you never to let your guard down against. That you have no choice but to depend on him for support, my heart aches for you, and I'm sorry that life has been but one agonising ordeal after another.

Back in 2019, I was in the midst of a lupus flare-up and one fine day I decided I had enough. Despite swollen painful joints, I dragged myself to the beach, had my favourite meal, then made my way to an offshore island. There, I intended to overdose on hydroxychloroquine (one of my prescriptions) after having a beer and watching the sunset. I sent out a goodbye (more of 'thank you') message to my cousin, whom I was closest to at that time. Unfortunately, that set off alarms and my family was alerted. The rest of the night was spent painstakingly reassuring everyone that I had no intention of doing what I intended to do.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

If you don't live with or depend on your bf I would dump him. He sounds mean and worthless.

I'm really sorry to hear about all the shit you have endured.

 

[Fakereality]

You were betrayed kuri by that best friend of yours I have no good feelings for a person like that who disregard feelings of someone who trusted them and instead of understanding your choice he made you go through so much more suffering just to make him feel good about himself that's why you shouldn't trust any human more than necessary even if they claim they are pro choice and what not, your experience sounds like such a horror movie instead of anyone giving one shit about your mental health all those shit eating monkeys ever cared about was their petty small tiny egos trying to manipulate you into thinking you have done the most evil thing ever by disturbing their so called "normal" life,
Human society if anything is a joke and a collection of dark comedy and irony.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words, I wish I could better articulate my gratitude towards you all but my mind is a scrambled egg per usual.. I really do appreciate it. I'm so sorry many of you have been through similar nonsense.

You were betrayed kuri by that best friend of yours I have no good feelings for a person like that who disregard feelings of someone who trusted them and instead of understanding your choice he made you go through so much more suffering just to make him feel good about himself that's why you shouldn't trust any human more than necessary even if they claim they are pro choice and what not, your experience sounds like such a horror movie instead of anyone giving one shit about your mental health all those shit eating monkeys ever cared about was their petty small tiny egos trying to manipulate you into thinking you have done the most evil thing ever by disturbing their so called "normal" life,
Human society if anything is a joke and a collection of dark comedy and irony.

As sad as it makes me, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I will never trust a soul again. I understand my best friend panicked, he was scared, and he did the only think he could think of out of fear that he would lose me forever. Doesn't mean I'm not shattered over it though.

However, the aftermath of all of this has proven to me that no one really cares and they never did in the first place. All anyone seems to have regard for is forcibly keeping me alive as long as possible, handwaving away all my pain, and insisting I enjoy my subpar quality of life or else I'm irrational.

The morning after, when my roommate told people what had happened, I received a couple of messages from roommates wanting to hang out when university starts, an event that is still weeks into the future. They only said that because my roommate had told them I tried to die.

Since then, nothing. I have just sat here isolated for days. Out of all my uni friends, only one of my roommates tried to send me a couple funny things in passing, and that was it.

I finally had a conversation late last night with my roommate group about it, just to let them know how scared I was of people beating down my door and saying harmful or useless platitudes. Literally one of the conversations between myself and the paramedics went like this:

Them: Why aren't you talking to your GP and seeking counseling? I'd reccomend that.

Me: I have ptsd caused by doctors, I am locked out of most "help" due to my nationality, and I find it to be difficult and unhelpful.

Them: Well that's really unfortunate. Talk to your GP!

I feel much worse now than I did before the attempt, because now my partner thinks I'm even crazier, my best friend keeps ignoring me, and I keep having nightmares about medical trauma. Good job everyone, at least you forced me to live another day!

None of this was about my health, it was about control. If people wanted me to live and enjoy life, they would adjust their attitudes, behaviors, and procedures to accommodate for my disabilities.

Instead, I am continually chastised for not being able to "follow the system" like everyone else. I am assumed to be mentally ill and irrational because I do not like living half of a life, a meager existence where I am sick everyday and fiendishly struggle to survive because of the pain my circumstances cause me.

I can't even complain elsewhere because I will be told I need an attitude adjustment. Those with cancer cling to life, they make do with what they have, they find a reason to smile every day, so I just need to shut up and be grateful for the mere privledge of being alive according to these baboons.

You are so right that the entire clown show is nothing more than a faustian dark comedy of errors, where everyone pretends that boundless optimism is divine truth and anything else is hearsay.

No one outside of this site (especially amazing people like you, Persephone, everyone else on this thread, Wrennie, Walter, and too many others to count) will understand the toll that chronic illness takes on you. They think I can snap right out of the never ending malaise and bounce back from years of severe chronic fatigue.

It hurts so much, to see what I can't have. It hurts even more when people proclaim there is hope, whilst their lives are far better than mine. Case in point, all of the connections I have in my life, they are prime displays of this entrenched optimism bias.

My boyfriend has a family who loves him and spends quality time with him. They support him no matter what and always offer to help when he needs it. I have no one, I am nothing more than a stranger in their presence.

My best friend has dozens of friends, goes out daily, parties, does every drug under the sun, and actually gets to spend his early 20s DOING THINGS rather than being shut up indoors like I am. Of course, he still struggles too, but he has the ability to immerse himself in every single distraction there is. He is never alone either, even if those ties may be surface level.

All of my friends are constantly posting pictures of their nights out. The vast majority of my friends come from middle class wealth, their parents have provided them ample opportunities for the best education money can buy, access to internships, connections, and love. My friends are making memories, money, and relationships that will last a lifetime while I'm confined to my bed most of the time.

Then all these people have the nerve to tell me that MY life is worth living. They don't have the slightest clue.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Kuri ( Kuri-chan, can I call you that?)

I'm sorry for all the trouble those people caused to you. You have been through a lot, You, Persephone and others here know pain in a level that I cannot even imagine (But I'm starting to, thanks for my new found "blessing").

First I'd like to address how annoyingly insistent people are with the "Talk to your GP" thing. Unfortunately, I know that, because I'm told the same thing over and over again, even though after years of "Talking to the GP", I got nothing, only meditation bs that it's starting to make me feel completely hopeless on the mental health system. I even left therapy.

The people who sent you message you the day and forgot you afterwards are what this world has the most, False People, those who crouch to pick up things that someone dropped on the ground just to "be cool" and not to because they actually care for someone. That's why they forget about it minutes later.
Maybe some of them will call you, we obviously don't know what's happening in their lives, but even so, most probably sent message to do a good action, but for themselves, not to others.
I don't want to be the negative person here, but that's the people that I've seen the most.

One more thing: I assume you might have Instagram or Facebook, these social networks are toxic as hell, people will always post their good stuff, their lives will seem perfect, that we already know, but for us, even knowing that they have troubles too won't change the fact that they still have it way better than us. I would say, forget about those social networks. It's fun, but not when we are depressed.

People have no idea what you have to endure, especially with a condition that leaves you confined to bed, but it's not commonly known. There is a story about a man who ctb'd because he had a less known condition, he envied people with cancer because even though is a very debilitating disease, everybody knows it, how serious it is. He was right. I'm actually very much like him.

People broke your trust, that's the world's most played sport. They love it.

But you can trust us. You can trust me. (Hey, I'm foreigner here, English is not my primary language as everyone can see it, I might know how you feel ^^)
We are here for you, until the end.

I just said a few things, I wish I could say more to you, or anything to make you feel better, but my mind is not in the best shape and frankly, I'm at loss of words. What happened people did to you is just unforgivable.

Kuri, please, be well. Anything you need, just name it. We will do everything we can for you.