lostmilo
New Member
- Aug 19, 2024
- 4
I genuinely cannot remember the last time I wasn't suicidal even as a child I felt like this I just never had the words to describe it. At 12 the first time I told my mother I wanted to die she thought i was joking but in reality it was just foreshadowing :[
I'm just going to list out my reasons beacause I feel like it's too complicated to explain normally:
- Socially and Economically I am already at an extreme disadvantage. Not to be too specific but let's just say I'm not the most privileged of folk due to my race, gender, sexuality and class, which obviously brings alot of discrimination with it that i will face for the rest of my life. Although I do acknowledge that there are people born in third world countries that may look at my situation and laugh.
- I have recently (this year) came to the realisation that I am probably autistic and it's ruining every aspect of life and somehow I feel like now that I am aware of it feel almost doomed at the knowledge that I am going to feel like this forever and it wasn't just a temporary childhood blip. People will forever hate me for just existing
I will always get overwhelmed in public. I will always be the weird one in every friend group. I will always get habitually burnout. I will likely never be able to hold down a job due to the abysmal autistic employment statistics ect...
- One big thing that was holding me back back from cbt was my former religion considering it a "sin" however I have gained a big interest in theology and philosophy this past yest and have completely lost faith so I no longer hold a belief that it is wrong to feel this way
- This is kind of minor but I recently had a failed relationship in which this person told me to kms after it ended. This particular hurt since I had told this person everything about how i was feeling and they actively reassured me and made me feel loved enough to stay and now I feel I can't trust anyone :/
- I feel like I used to be so smart and had so much potential and I had such big plans but it's all been ruined now because in too stupid and mentally ill to do anything properly. I hate feeling stupid. I messed up everything by one stupid decision and now my plan is ruined. Grades mean nothing if you're too clueless to know what to do with them.
- Family wise there is alot of issues. There is a big conflict going on in my home country and everyone has been displaced and my grandma is gravely sick. I feel like I'm in a very privileged position and it's stupid how I'm so suicidal and sick and yet I'm not even the one going through these things myself. How are they seemingly fine after going through so much first hand trauma and here I am grovelling from the safety of my first world country.
- My future life that I envision is unreachable. It's the only thing keeping me going but slowly I'm realising how impossible it is. Most dream of having a family and a big house but again due to my lack of acceptance of my sexuality and abysmal economic status I have no chance :/
I've been to therapy multiple times but due to the combination of these issues I feel like I'm too complicated for any therapist and I also am very hyper aware of the fact that the circumstances that cause me to be suicidal are out of my control and will never change.
No amount of talk therapy will change the world around me. I'm a lost cause and honestly utterly screwed. The fact that I have survived for this long is honestly a statistical miracle. Literally all the odds are against me. I dont know why I'm still alive honestly the longer I write this I'm realising I have no reason to stay. I just need one last push and I'll be gone.
I'm just going to list out my reasons beacause I feel like it's too complicated to explain normally:
- Socially and Economically I am already at an extreme disadvantage. Not to be too specific but let's just say I'm not the most privileged of folk due to my race, gender, sexuality and class, which obviously brings alot of discrimination with it that i will face for the rest of my life. Although I do acknowledge that there are people born in third world countries that may look at my situation and laugh.
- I have recently (this year) came to the realisation that I am probably autistic and it's ruining every aspect of life and somehow I feel like now that I am aware of it feel almost doomed at the knowledge that I am going to feel like this forever and it wasn't just a temporary childhood blip. People will forever hate me for just existing
I will always get overwhelmed in public. I will always be the weird one in every friend group. I will always get habitually burnout. I will likely never be able to hold down a job due to the abysmal autistic employment statistics ect...
- One big thing that was holding me back back from cbt was my former religion considering it a "sin" however I have gained a big interest in theology and philosophy this past yest and have completely lost faith so I no longer hold a belief that it is wrong to feel this way
- This is kind of minor but I recently had a failed relationship in which this person told me to kms after it ended. This particular hurt since I had told this person everything about how i was feeling and they actively reassured me and made me feel loved enough to stay and now I feel I can't trust anyone :/
- I feel like I used to be so smart and had so much potential and I had such big plans but it's all been ruined now because in too stupid and mentally ill to do anything properly. I hate feeling stupid. I messed up everything by one stupid decision and now my plan is ruined. Grades mean nothing if you're too clueless to know what to do with them.
- Family wise there is alot of issues. There is a big conflict going on in my home country and everyone has been displaced and my grandma is gravely sick. I feel like I'm in a very privileged position and it's stupid how I'm so suicidal and sick and yet I'm not even the one going through these things myself. How are they seemingly fine after going through so much first hand trauma and here I am grovelling from the safety of my first world country.
- My future life that I envision is unreachable. It's the only thing keeping me going but slowly I'm realising how impossible it is. Most dream of having a family and a big house but again due to my lack of acceptance of my sexuality and abysmal economic status I have no chance :/
I've been to therapy multiple times but due to the combination of these issues I feel like I'm too complicated for any therapist and I also am very hyper aware of the fact that the circumstances that cause me to be suicidal are out of my control and will never change.
No amount of talk therapy will change the world around me. I'm a lost cause and honestly utterly screwed. The fact that I have survived for this long is honestly a statistical miracle. Literally all the odds are against me. I dont know why I'm still alive honestly the longer I write this I'm realising I have no reason to stay. I just need one last push and I'll be gone.
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