Venting Why I want to CTB (vent post, sry)

[DrearyAsh348]

I am completely dysfunctional and have massive identity issues. I have no hobbies, interests, or any way of connecting with others. I suspect I am a narcissistic person or perhaps a sociopath. I never had normal experiences like others. In short, I have literally no knowledge of pop culture at all. This includes games, books, movies, shows, anime/manga, YouTubers, or any kind of media for entertainment.

I lack the ability to find enjoyment in 99% of things and I believe that is something innately wrong with me that has been present since childhood and/or birth. Maybe because I was born prematurely? I never developed normally as a person and I am so messed up that I can never have a job, have relationships of any kind, or experience the things most people do daily. I am also a shut-in. I believe it's best I avoid people and they avoid me.

I literally cried when I had to read my Interpersonal Communications class textbook chapter about friendship because I realized I don't have the impulse to ask friends for help with tasks like setting up a new computer or studying for a test. I literally always just Google things or figure them out on my own if possible; it didn't occur to me that most people actually interact with others way more than I ever do/have done. I've never actually talked to many people other than the 3 friends I've had since middle school.


Basically, I don't see reason to believe my condition is fixable, and it causes me misery and creates expenses for my family. I will probably never get a job, find love, or have a normal human life. I am listless and empty inside 99% of the time. I have only one wish: to be at peace.

 

[Hyes]

I don't get pop culture either dude. And I fucking hate asking for help, I hate it when others hold open doors for me. Even if I'm carrying shit, I still have fingers and feet I can use to manipulate doors!! Especially people trying to take things from my hands they think is too heavy for me lol.

I think it's best you just keep applying for jobs. Get on indeed, make a resume, and just apply everywhere. Getting a new job and going is such a change of pace that your mind will take a bit to readjust and the time you spend out of work becomes totally recontextualized. I'm not saying this so you can be a slave to the machine; it's more just the biggest and most effective change to your routine you can do.

I know this sounds blunt, or impossible for your case. You likely left out something we don't need to know about. I struggle with many of the same things, if you can land an interview through indeed or just applying online somewhere, see if a phone interview is available?

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing for peace from all the suffering as it must be dreadful what you have to go through. But anyway I wish you the best.