Why I settle

[Water-Lily]

I can't be in a relationship, and I guess its why I settle for the fun hookup or short FWB situation

My mood is consistently suicidal. Even though I have moments of happiness from time to time, suicide always is on my mind

Whenever I encounter a problem, I immediately mentally crash. I start thinking into the future, beating up myself, punishing myself, having melt downs on social media, etc

I also shut everyone out and lash out at them as an ingrained trauma response. Communication and honesty scares me as I am uncomfortable being vulnerable

I am a poor recipe for a romantic relationship. No one could "love" someone as fucked up as me

I'd be the toxic/unhealthy girlfriend because thats just who I am

 

[JussinLOV]

I don't think you're fucked up, rather maybe your own past traumas are causing you to project your own self-hatred onto other people's emotions. I'm the same way, I really think I am a bad person so I assume everyone thinks that of me so as a result I distance myself from anyone before they even talk to me. It's really hard to be vulnerable and bare your heart to a loved one--let alone a first date-- when you already think that the moment you open up, they disappear, Give yourself time! Someone CAN love you and WILL love you, you're just in a bad mental place. People can change and I am sure you can too.

 

[Water-Lily]

I don't think you're fucked up, rather maybe your own past traumas are causing you to project your own self-hatred onto other people's emotions. I'm the same way, I really think I am a bad person so I assume everyone thinks that of me so as a result I distance myself from anyone before they even talk to me. It's really hard to be vulnerable and bare your heart to a loved one--let alone a first date-- when you already think that the moment you open up, they disappear, Give yourself time! Someone CAN love you and WILL love you, you're just in a bad mental place. People can change and I am sure you can too.

I dont think so

I am thinking back to when I went on a date with a guy. I had a lot of fun. But he didnt want to continue dating. I party "too much" and he wanted a serious girl. So he broke things off with me

I dunno, maybe I'm good enough for the fun times but nothing serious

Then I start to hate being the third wheel in my friendships. Everyone is always in some relationship. Because they aren't as fucked up as me

It's to a point I don't feel comfortable being around certain friends simply for the fact they're in relationships. They have things I can't have

 

[JussinLOV]

I dont think so

I am thinking back to when I went on a date with a guy. I had a lot of fun. But he didnt want to continue dating. I party "too much" and he wanted a serious girl. So he broke things off with me

I dunno, maybe I'm good enough for the fun times but nothing serious

Yeah, sometimes what you enjoy doing doesn't coincide with someone else's hobbies BUT that doesn't mean you are a bad person, you are literally just a person with different interests. A guy broke up with me once because I was a homebody and didn't enjoy going out with friends. Does that make me a bad person? No, just someone who appreciates a good couch.
The question is: Do you want something serious?

 

[Water-Lily]

Yeah, sometimes what you enjoy doing doesn't coincide with someone else's hobbies BUT that doesn't mean you are a bad person, you are literally just a person with different interests. A guy broke up with me once because I was a homebody and didn't enjoy going out with friends. Does that make me a bad person? No, just someone who appreciates a good couch.
The question is: Do you want something serious?

I think I do. Like, a committed relationship sounds like something I would enjoy. But it also seems like a lot of effort with openly communicating feelings where, I struggle with that. I am the kind of person that will shut you out and avoid you for days (I do this with everyone) when I feel overwhelmed

 

[R.E.N.]

It's probably for the best. Children do come out of committed relationships.

 

[Water-Lily]

It's probably for the best. Children do come out of committed relationships.

not in all cases. But when it comes to parenthood, I accept that me not having kids might be the best option

 

[hunterfla]

I definitely relate. My entire 20s and 30s I was in committed long term relationships (3) and while they served their purpose in giving me stability, I was never really completely invested. Every time the conversations got really deep, or into things like marriage or kids (I'm gay and have no interest in either) I would start pushing them away until they either left me or cheated on me so that I would leave them. Since then, I've had a couple of FWBs that will come over, have dinner and watch a movie and we can take care of each other physically...and I think I am content with that. Hookups aren't really my thing (too many risks) but they have happened here and there. All this to say that not everyone is cut out to be in a relationship, especially when suicidal, and it took me many years to realize that.

 

[Water-Lily]

I definitely relate. My entire 20s and 30s I was in committed long term relationships (3) and while they served there purpose in giving me stability, I was never really completely invested. Every time the conversations got really deep, or into things like marriage or kids (I'm gay and have no interest in either) I would start pushing them away until they either left me or cheated on me so that I would leave them. Since then, I've had a couple of FWB that will come over, have dinner and watch a movie and we can take care of each other physically...and I think I am content with that. Hookups aren't really my things (too many risks) but they have happened here and there. All this to say that not everyone is cut out to be in a relationship, especially when suicidal, and it took me many years to realize that.

I'd like to experience a romantic relationship one day. Even if its just not the right time rn

FWB are def less intensive but, because there is no commitment it can also feel fleeting. Especially when you develop feelings for them

And yeah hookups are risky. I actually got a test not too long ago for STDs (I always test after every sexual encounter). And even with condoms, there's still a risk

Hoping my idiocy doesnt result in any issues :/

 

[hunterfla]

FWB are def less intensive but, because there is no commitment it can also feel fleeting. Especially when you develop feelings for them

Definitely. I started developing feelings for my FWB but I have been able to contain them so far. While in a perfect world, we would be a perfect match, he has baggage and I have triple, so it's best to keep it simple.

And yeah hookups are risky. I actually got a test not too long ago for STDs (I always test after every sexual encounter). And even with condoms, there's still a risk

STDs are definitely a huge risk, and also you never know what someone is capable of. I've had more than a couple of scary/dangerous situations arise from them (not health related) but definitely best to know who you are dealing with especially if you tell them where you live, etc.

 

[Water-Lily]

Definitely. I started developing feelings for my FWB but I have been able to contain them so far. While in a perfect world, we would be a perfect match, he has baggage and I have triple, so it's best to keep it simple.



STDs are definitely a huge risk, and also you never know what someone is capable of. I've had more than a couple of scary/dangerous situations arise from them (not health related) but definitely best to know who you are dealing with especially if you tell them where you live, etc.

Exactly. This recent guy is very pro condom (which has me feeling safe) but he also does stuff with other people and who's knowing what they have. Hears to hoping I caught nothing :/

 

[JussinLOV]

I think I do. Like, a committed relationship sounds like something I would enjoy. But it also seems like a lot of effort with openly communicating feelings where, I struggle with that. I am the kind of person that will shut you out and avoid you for days (I do this with everyone) when I feel overwhelmed

Open communication is a lot of effort, but the reward is the ability to navigate relationships (romantic or otherwise) with more ease and build a thicker skin to social faux pas that you'll make. The fact that you know this is a problem is already a huge step in the right direction. I hope whatever relationship type you choose to pursue is fruitful and I hope you start to branch out and find other people who are willing to give you space and listen!

 

[Water-Lily]

Open communication is a lot of effort, but the reward is the ability to navigate relationships (romantic or otherwise) with more ease and build a thicker skin to social faux pas that you'll make. The fact that you know this is a problem is already a huge step in the right direction. I hope whatever relationship type you choose to pursue is fruitful and I hope you start to branch out and find other people who are willing to give you space and listen!

I dunno. I'm not sure if it'd happen to me

Like, in response to some bad news about my father I basically went radio silent with a bunch of people and is actively avoiding others