I'm very glad this site exists because I genuinely cannot speak about this type of subject matter quite literally anywhere.
I have a boyfriend who loves me, but even if he does happen to be the only human who genuinely loves me and totally isn't already halfway bored with me (as is typical for the 8 month mark), this has to happen. This is a toxic relationship, even if it doesnt seem like one. I offer absolutely nothing besides moral support, I am ace, touch repulsed, and extremely disabled, essentially cripple at this point.
There will never ever be a day where I will not exist purely to suck people and systems dry of their resources, there will never be a day where I can offer anything to help monetarily, I will always need monetary assistance and support 24/7 for the rest of my life. I dont care how much he loves me, how much he thinks I'm improving his life by "making him feel safe and happy". That isnt going to feed you, that isnt going to get you out of your parents house, that isn't going to help you do ANYTHING in your life except take and take and take. That's codependency by definition, the only reason you dont want to leave is because of your emotional investment, because you feel that there is no other choice simply by how long the situation has persisted. I wish for five fucking seconds he could be like all of my last partners and realize he can and will do better once I'm gone.
He wont be suicidal anymore once he isnt working full time to not even be able to support two people, he wont be miserable feeling like hes failing me, he isnt, the system is, but that isnt his or my fault, and he certainly doesnt deserve to suffer his whole life barely scraping by because of my pathetic ass. Hes just completely failing to realize the majority of his problems are because of the strain I bring on him.
I want to point out that I do not believe I am worthless or whatever, because I have many skills that /could/ be useful in a perfect world, but they arent, because there are 7 billion other humans on the planet with these skills that are able to use them better because their bodies function as it should and they do not live every day in pain. In a perfect world where I can work and offer something, this relationship would be flawless, and he would be happy here, but it isnt, and it isnt, and he isnt, and it is because of my existence in his life.
Even if these circumstances were not the case, I would still be a strain on the economy, if not my family, if not my extended family, etc, etc. I'd still be in pain every day from an undiagnosable illness, I'd still be struggling and suffering to overcome the illnesses that have been diagnosed, and surgically corrected. I'd still struggle to eat each day, to drink, to walk, to be free, to be happy. Even if I was not drowning my boyfriend with me, I'd still be sinking anyway.
After my past few failed attempts that nobody even fucking knows about, I'm very glad I found this website to figure out where I keep going wrong, to end it painlessly once and for all, not out of anger or rashness or spite, but out of love, care, and a desire for peace, peace for everyone involved, peace for my parents, peace for my family, peace for my friends, peace for everyone involved.
I have a boyfriend who loves me, but even if he does happen to be the only human who genuinely loves me and totally isn't already halfway bored with me (as is typical for the 8 month mark), this has to happen. This is a toxic relationship, even if it doesnt seem like one. I offer absolutely nothing besides moral support, I am ace, touch repulsed, and extremely disabled, essentially cripple at this point.
There will never ever be a day where I will not exist purely to suck people and systems dry of their resources, there will never be a day where I can offer anything to help monetarily, I will always need monetary assistance and support 24/7 for the rest of my life. I dont care how much he loves me, how much he thinks I'm improving his life by "making him feel safe and happy". That isnt going to feed you, that isnt going to get you out of your parents house, that isn't going to help you do ANYTHING in your life except take and take and take. That's codependency by definition, the only reason you dont want to leave is because of your emotional investment, because you feel that there is no other choice simply by how long the situation has persisted. I wish for five fucking seconds he could be like all of my last partners and realize he can and will do better once I'm gone.
He wont be suicidal anymore once he isnt working full time to not even be able to support two people, he wont be miserable feeling like hes failing me, he isnt, the system is, but that isnt his or my fault, and he certainly doesnt deserve to suffer his whole life barely scraping by because of my pathetic ass. Hes just completely failing to realize the majority of his problems are because of the strain I bring on him.
I want to point out that I do not believe I am worthless or whatever, because I have many skills that /could/ be useful in a perfect world, but they arent, because there are 7 billion other humans on the planet with these skills that are able to use them better because their bodies function as it should and they do not live every day in pain. In a perfect world where I can work and offer something, this relationship would be flawless, and he would be happy here, but it isnt, and it isnt, and he isnt, and it is because of my existence in his life.
Even if these circumstances were not the case, I would still be a strain on the economy, if not my family, if not my extended family, etc, etc. I'd still be in pain every day from an undiagnosable illness, I'd still be struggling and suffering to overcome the illnesses that have been diagnosed, and surgically corrected. I'd still struggle to eat each day, to drink, to walk, to be free, to be happy. Even if I was not drowning my boyfriend with me, I'd still be sinking anyway.
After my past few failed attempts that nobody even fucking knows about, I'm very glad I found this website to figure out where I keep going wrong, to end it painlessly once and for all, not out of anger or rashness or spite, but out of love, care, and a desire for peace, peace for everyone involved, peace for my parents, peace for my family, peace for my friends, peace for everyone involved.
