Why I am not a suicide fetishist despite the coverage of this forum in the media

[noname223]

Recently I have read articles and discussions about suicide forums. In the NYT they claim we would see people who ctb as legends and adore them. At least for me I have to reject that. (I can remember discussions about legends of this forum. And we made no difference between living and dead legends. Some said @WornOutLife or Genesandenvironment were (living) legends. But people also mentioned for example Stan or letzteausfahrt. )

In the news article they say we take people like Kurt Cobain as role model for our suicides.
I do not do that. I often talk about David Foster Wallace or Adam Maier Clayton in this forum. I don't see them as role model for my suicide. I rather see some parallels between their problems and mine. Even when I see them as role model I would not say because they ctb. Both of them tried everything to avoid suicide. Though both had the feeling there is no escape. Despite that they tried to fight it.
I share a very similar feeling and I think some people in this forum too. This feeling of being trapped in your own consciousness that tortures you.

The description of suicidal thoughts from DFW are so damn accurate. This man really knew what he was talking about. I often try to reflect about my own feelings, behavior and try to analyze it. He was really good at that. Though he had a way too negative perception of himself. I try to be careful so that my depression does not delude me. However it is pretty hard to reflect on oneself if their can be either a positive or negative shift in your mind. I also experienced that my depression shiftet my thinking in a negative direction. Depressed people need to try not being tricked by thinking fallacies.

Though I also have like a postive shift in my thinking. At least this is what I have analyzed. I tried A LOT of therapy, tried so much different approaches to solve my problems and I am now for roundabout 10 years pretty suicidal. I need to cling to hope. It is part of my escapism. I have like really unlikely (naive) dreams how my problems might be solved in the future. I know they are not impossible. But they are damn unlikely... I try to collect evidence which theory is true before I make the decision to take my own life. (To be honest I think this is the best approach to suicide in my opinion. I see it as last ressort.)

I know why people could think I mystify and adore for example David Foster Wallace because he ctb. I talk a lot about him. (Tbh I think I am not fully sane and this is kind of a part why I think so much about him. But don't tell that my psychiatrist when I try to apply for assisted suicide hopefully in the future.)
I don't think commiting suicide is cool. It is often a tragedy for the person. But tragedies happen. This is not a game. Not every story has an happy ending.

Then we often use euphemisms for commiting suicide. First I was not sure how I shall think about that. I was kind of ambivalent. Whether this plays down the impact that suicide has. (I think in Infinite Jest DFW uses different kinds of synonyms for commiting suicide.) I have several different explanations for that phenomenon. The most serious and profound questions can only be discussed in form of jokes. I think Wittgenstein said that.
Another reason is it is quite annoying to think about suicide every single day several hours about suicide. You go back and forth think so much about the decision and everything. After that it is quite odd to think about the same thing for such a long time. You look at it from different perspectives, overanalyze the situation and after spending so much time on this topic it annoys you to use this one term over and over again. (I could go on in more length but this post is way too long.)

Finally I want to say. I have never choosen to have suicide daily for many hours on my mind. Sometimes even 24/7. It is the way I cope. Surpressing this sentiment feels so bad. This is why it is so important for me to have a place like this where I can talk about my feelings without being mocked, ridiculed or hurt. In the past I felt bad for my suicidal thoughts. I had nightmares and a guilty consccience about them (when I was partly religious). Now I can accept them. They are a part of me and probably will accompany me for as long as I live. (This does not count for everyone. I am just now suicidal for roundabout a decade and barely anything stops my suicidal thoughts.)

This post is so long because I tried to stop visiting this forum. But all my feelings/loneliness accumulated and now it is hopefully a relief that I can finally talk about these feeling again.)

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Some said @WornOutLife or Genesandenvironment were (living) legends.

Big if true.

 

[Grey-zoner]

This post is so long because I tried to stop visiting this forum. But all my feelings/loneliness accumulated and now it is hopefully a relief that I can finally talk about these feeling again.)

This place is a relief at times. I wouldn't want to constantly post here, but when I feel disgusted and disappointed with life, or annoyed with humanity, it's a way to de-stress and remember that I'm not alone.

 

[noname223]

This place is a relief at times. I wouldn't want to constantly post here, but when I feel disgusted and disappointed with life, or annoyed with humanity, it's a way to de-stress and remember that I'm not alone.

Why wouldn't you want constantly post here. Due to privacy issues or is it the topics which depress you?

 

[Somber]

So far I've yet to see anyone receiving encouragements to commit suicide. People are supportive of decisions made, though, and they should be when all alternatives have been explored.

Nobody should be forced to go through life if they don't want to and neither should anyone be hurried to suicide either.

I would just like to see more of a discouragement for making decisions in the moment, especially for the younger members that might not realize there are perfectly viable solutions to their problems that do not involve a fondness for catching rides on public transportation.

Off topic:
Why are some members names crossed out? Did they die? And how do you know?

 

[Grey-zoner]

Why wouldn't you want constantly post here. Due to privacy issues or is it the topics which depress you?

For me it's a valve to release pressure and disappointment while communicating with others. I don't really spend too much time on the internet, posting, etc... Hell, I don't really understand how I spend so much time doing so little. Anyway, there's also the fact that the topics are depressing, and I'm depressed enough. But I'm very thankful this place exists. It needs to.

 

[noname223]

So far I've yet to see anyone receiving encouragements to commit suicide. People are supportive of decisions made, though, and they should be when all alternatives have been explored.

Nobody should be forced to go through life if they don't want to and neither should anyone be hurried to suicide either.

I would just like to see more of a discouragement for making decisions in the moment, especially for the younger members that might not realize there are perfectly viable solutions to their problems that do not involve a fondness for catching rides on public transportation.

Off topic:
Why are some members names crossed out? Did they die? And how do you know?

The media articles made me rethink this too. If it is true that many barely try therapy despite the fact it was available this would not be good in my opinion. I already made a thread in recovery adressing this problem. I also have talked about it a little bit here in the suicide discussion section.

At the same time I do not like the depiction as if almost everyone here was only in a temporary crisis. In the NYT article there was no word about the fact that suicide is the right of adults if they are aware of the alternatives and can make a rational choice.

The big problem in my opinion is the following: Suicidal people get criminalized in this world if they want to get a peaceful suicide. If you want to buy N in many countries you can get a prison sentence for this. Because the society (or i.g. churches) stigmatize this topic there is no open discussion about this topic. There should be new laws for assisted suicide in almost all countries. I would be in favor of a very liberal modell. So for example almost all people can get assisted suicide (also for example people with mental illnesses).
There should be a consultation for applying for assisted suicide. There should be some thresholds. For example 1-2 years waiting time in order to look if the wish is persistent. Staff showing you the alternatives for continuing life. I would make this very liberal so for example also healthy people who do not want to live anymore can apply for it. (The highest court in my country ruled it that way.)
However it must be clear it is not only a temporary crisis.

One thing I think what is currently very sick. The rich can get assisted suicide because they can pay for it. I have read about costs between 3000-9000 euros. Sorry I do not have this amount of money for a peaceful exit. Do I have to jump now in front of a train instead when I want to die?

If the society does not do that the "market" for suicide is too unregulated I admit that. In my opinion this forum is not the problem the problem is the failure of the society how to deal with suicidal people giving them no dignified exit if the wish is persistent.

 

[Somber]

The media articles made me rethink this too. If it is true that many barely try therapy despite the fact it was available this would not be good in my opinion.

The PBS article mentioned a 16 year old boy from Utah with a stomach ailment that was in the process of being diagnosed. There might have been a treatment for him that would have made suicide unnecessary.

With certain other people I have this feeling that I would gladly switch places with them, because it seems likely to me that there would be attainable solutions to their problems or because they are of a temporary nature.

Of course that might just be a lack of understanding on my behalf.

I think it would be great if there were professional psychologists available on the forums that could provide support. I think many people, me included, are very hesitant to go to RL psychologists because we lose our anonymity when making an appointment. And there is no going back from there.

At the same time I do not like the depiction as if almost everyone here was only in a temporary crisis. In the NYT article there was no word about the fact that suicide is the right of adults if they are aware of the alternatives and can make a rational choice.

That is a shortcoming of current euthanasia laws (where applicable) as well. It should be up to the individual to decide if suicide is the best choice for them, not some law or a strict selection of untreatable diseases. However certain safety nets should be built into the system. We don't want to see any 24/7 suicide booths on every street corner. A 12-24 month grace period would be sensible with exceptions for those in situations that require more urgent intervention (painful terminal conditions for example).

One thing I think what is currently very sick. The rich can get assisted suicide because they can pay for it. I have read about costs between 3000-9000 euros. Sorry I do not have this amount of money for a peaceful exit. Do I have to jump now in front of a train instead when I want to die?

Can I get assisted suicide for 3.000-9000 euros without the need of being a certain age or suffer from a selection of specific conditions? Switzerland is more strict than that if that's what you are referring to.

 

[noname223]

Can I get assisted suicide for 3.000-9000 euros without the need of being a certain age or suffer from a selection of specific conditions? Switzerland is more strict than that if that's what you are referring to.

I did not explain this in a clear way sorry. Of course you also need to underego this selection process. Though if I tried to do the first step I would lose all my financial resouces. My dad told me he would stop giving me money if I try to apply for assistest suicide.
I think this is very unfair. Moreover you need this assesment of a psychiatrist whether you are able to do a rational decision. And as far as I know you have to pay for this assesment by your own. If you are unlucky you have paid several thousand bucks for nothing when they deny you. (At least this is what I have read.)

 

[eternalpeace]

Recently I have read articles and discussions about suicide forums. In the NYT they claim we would see people who ctb as legends and adore them. At least for me I have to reject that. (I can remember discussions about legends of this forum. And we made no difference between living and dead legends. Some said @WornOutLife or Genesandenvironment were (living) legends. But people also mentioned for example Stan or letzteausfahrt. )

In the news article they say we take people like Kurt Cobain as role model for our suicides.
I do not do that. I often talk about David Foster Wallace or Adam Maier Clayton in this forum. I don't see them as role model for my suicide. I rather see some parallels between their problems and mine. Even when I see them as role model I would not say because they ctb. Both of them tried everything to avoid suicide. Though both had the feeling there is no escape. Despite that they tried to fight it.
I share a very similar feeling and I think some people in this forum too. This feeling of being trapped in your own consciousness that tortures you.

The description of suicidal thoughts from DFW are so damn accurate. This man really knew what he was talking about. I often try to reflect about my own feelings, behavior and try to analyze it. He was really good at that. Though he had a way too negative perception of himself. I try to be careful so that my depression does not delude me. However it is pretty hard to reflect on oneself if their can be either a positive or negative shift in your mind. I also experienced that my depression shiftet my thinking in a negative direction. Depressed people need to try not being tricked by thinking fallacies.

Though I also have like a postive shift in my thinking. At least this is what I have analyzed. I tried A LOT of therapy, tried so much different approaches to solve my problems and I am now for roundabout 10 years pretty suicidal. I need to cling to hope. It is part of my escapism. I have like really unlikely (naive) dreams how my problems might be solved in the future. I know they are not impossible. But they are damn unlikely... I try to collect evidence which theory is true before I make the decision to take my own life. (To be honest I think this is the best approach to suicide in my opinion. I see it as last ressort.)

I know why people could think I mystify and adore for example David Foster Wallace because he ctb. I talk a lot about him. (Tbh I think I am not fully sane and this is kind of a part why I think so much about him. But don't tell that my psychiatrist when I try to apply for assisted suicide hopefully in the future.)
I don't think commiting suicide is cool. It is often a tragedy for the person. But tragedies happen. This is not a game. Not every story has an happy ending.

Then we often use euphemisms for commiting suicide. First I was not sure how I shall think about that. I was kind of ambivalent. Whether this plays down the impact that suicide has. (I think in Infinite Jest DFW uses different kinds of synonyms for commiting suicide.) I have several different explanations for that phenomenon. The most serious and profound questions can only be discussed in form of jokes. I think Wittgenstein said that.
Another reason is it is quite annoying to think about suicide every single day several hours about suicide. You go back and forth think so much about the decision and everything. After that it is quite odd to think about the same thing for such a long time. You look at it from different perspectives, overanalyze the situation and after spending so much time on this topic it annoys you to use this one term over and over again. (I could go on in more length but this post is way too long.)

Finally I want to say. I have never choosen to have suicide daily for many hours on my mind. Sometimes even 24/7. It is the way I cope. Surpressing this sentiment feels so bad. This is why it is so important for me to have a place like this where I can talk about my feelings without being mocked, ridiculed or hurt. In the past I felt bad for my suicidal thoughts. I had nightmares and a guilty consccience about them (when I was partly religious). Now I can accept them. They are a part of me and probably will accompany me for as long as I live. (This does not count for everyone. I am just now suicidal for roundabout a decade and barely anything stops my suicidal thoughts.)

This post is so long because I tried to stop visiting this forum. But all my feelings/loneliness accumulated and now it is hopefully a relief that I can finally talk about these feeling again.)

Adam Meier Clayton is a hero of mine, NOT because he completed suicide, but because he put himself "out" there, and spoke about what it's like to live with mental illness, and the prospect of assisted dying for people who are mentally ill. I certainly would never be brave enough to go public with my struggles, so I have a lot of respect for anyone who is able to do so.