Why haven't you ctb yet?

[You Can Call Me Al]

It's after 4 am and I can't sleep so I'm curious. I have so many admittedly weird reasons why I haven't yet. The main one that has stopped me even mid-act is that I have pets. God I love animals, especially mine. They are my only family and closest friends (I know, I'm pathetic) and I feel extreme guilt at the thought of abandoning them. When I am gone, people will be able to get an explanation but there's no way to tell my cats and dog why their person is gone and isn't coming back. Also, what if their next owners don't treat them well or something?

Other reasons in the past that have made me hesitate (maybe not stop me) have been like, I can't stand the idea of doing it when I have a messy room and someone else has to go clean it out. Or how I have zero fear of death, but I am afraid of pain or becoming paralyzed or a vegetable or something. I also graduate in a couple weeks and I will be a first gen hs and college grad. Every day I have been getting worse and it's becoming more difficult to not ctb, but I considered waiting until at least the day after graduation or something so that I can prove I didn't ctb because I couldn't succeed at this thing.

 

[never getting better]

The possibility that things might not be as bad as I think. I do overreact and don't think rationally about a lot of things. Probably comes with my mental health problems.

There is a bit of fear as well and also the method.

 

[You Can Call Me Al]

The possibility that things might not be as bad as I think. I do overreact and don't think rationally about a lot of things.

That is a very introspective reason not to.

 

[never getting better]

That is a very introspective reason not to.

For now at least.

 

[DF90]

If I am being completely honest, the original reason I stayed alive (my date was April 1st) is because I became a very active member of the SS community and because I joined discord.

Both of those things combined meant I suddenly had an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, I was helping others, and I created a ton of friendships.

I think right now I am here because I have a tiny bit of hope that my life can actually be turned around. Don't get me wrong, most days I still want to die. My life is still a limbo of what the fucks, what's going on, and why is the happening. My mind and body are fucked in the worst ways, but there are some days that I actually feel happy now. Days where I want to do something with my life instead of wither away.

 

[GoPeaceful]

Because it is really hard to obtain Nembutal in my country and I am afraid of other suicide methods.

 

[Tiredman]

My mom is the main reason I'm still alive. She's a really kind and compassionate type of person who would be devastated if her only kid passed away. She took me in without asking for money or anything after my health problems got worse.

Also my Dad has depression so if I go he'll likely try to commit suicide aswell.

If i had N I'd probably be able to go through with it though because I'd know I wouldn't be disfigured or feel any pain but buying bitcoin in my country is proving to be a hassle so ill have to wait a bit until I have enough bitcoin to get it sent out.

 

[never getting better]

My mom is the main reason I'm still alive. She's a really kind and compassionate type of person who would be devastated if her only kid passed away. She took me in without asking for money or anything after my health problems got worse.

Also my Dad has depression so if I go he'll likely try to commit suicide aswell.

If i had N I'd probably be able to go through with it though because I'd know I wouldn't be disfigured or feel any pain but buying bitcoin in my country is proving to be a hassle so ill have to wait a bit until I have enough bitcoin to get it sent out.

How do you deal with thoughts that your dad would attempt if you took your own life?

 

[I want to end it]

Because the exit bag method is quite complicated and I'm having trouble getting all the parts assembled together. If all the correct assembled parts were magically put in front of me right now, I would have ctb already.

I'm looking into N as well but it seems pretty difficult to get hold of.

 

[Tiredman]

How do you deal with thoughts that your dad would attempt if you took your own life?

I'm having an extremely hard time. I try to rationalize that he wouldn't but I'll never know once I'm gone. The alternative to suicide is years of painful and worsening health issues so I literally have no better choice. It's a really shitty situation.

 

[FakeNews]

We are all responsible for our decisions. You are responsible for yours, he is responsible for his. It's nice for you to be considerate of others, but their subsequent decisions shouldn't be the determining factor of yours.

I understand the martyr complex and the conflicting emotions that you must be feeling. It is a shitty situation. I wish you peace in whatever direction you go.

 

[louisvuitton]

one simple word : "COWARDLINESS", I just can get over the fact that I might feel pain when I ctb and I am just scared of darkness and nothingness.

 

[wanttodie]

Because it is really hard to obtain Nembutal in my country and I am looking for good suicide methods. in canada soon i do im ending my life

 

[louisvuitton]

Because it is really hard to obtain Nembutal in my country and I am looking for good suicide methods. in canada soon i do im ending my life

I heard there are no problems to get N to North America. the customs there aren't really tough, I knew many people had their N sent there.

 

[transgenderfailure]

My family would be destroyed... that's all. Me personally, I am just done.

 

[Malice1]

Because it is really hard to obtain Nembutal in my country and I am afraid of other suicide methods.

one simple word : "COWARDLINESS", I just can get over the fact that I might feel pain when I ctb and I am just scared of darkness and nothingness.

I respect your honesty.

 

[deflagrat]

My perspective about suicide has become more like a philosophy of life. I have the means to continue my life without having to work, and that changes everything. My parents don't want me to die, and I don't have health issues. Life may kind of suck but it's not that bad, I can see myself living many more years.

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

Mostly it is logistics. I have a few things to set up and a life to "clean up," as it were. None of this is about accomplishing anything or fulfilling a bucket list. It's all just ... arrangements. Get rid of this, set aside money for that, do research on something else.

I seem to greatly regret not having started earlier.

If I could snap my fingers and have all of the prequisites in place, I would do it tomorrow.

 

[skyofAuroras]

The reason why I haven't ctb yet is because I've made plans with someone I care about for the summer. Summer has always been the most depressing time of the year for me but I want to finally have a good one. Plus for some reason I still have some hope that things will get better.

 

[wanttodie]

I heard there are no problems to get N to North America. the customs there aren't really tough, I knew many people had their N sent there.

im in canada not North America

 

[Tiredman]

im in canada not North America

I think he means North America the continent not northern America. It is possible to get N here according to people I've talked to on 8chan. It's just not as easy to get here because crypto currency is harder to obtain than it is in USA because not many sites accept Canadian dollars.

 

[Malice1]

I think im just afraid to leave my comfort zone. Thats why im stalling. I have my N and everything is already planned out (location, time, materials, etc.). I wouldn't say its fear of death anymore. My mind is made up though its definitely going to happen.

 

[Imaginos]

I find myself asking that very same question every single day, as I'm sure some of us here do. I have absolutely nothing to live for and have yearned desperately for release from all this, yet here I am. Lingering on just because I can. As a hermit whose basic needs are continually provided for, I can afford the "luxury" to just drift through the weeks & months while doing almost nothing whatsoever. Just one long unbroken chain where everyday is literally exactly the same as the last and really only serves as being new links in said chain. A ceaseless burnt out haze of emptiness, punctuated by constant feelings of misery & self-loathing. Enough to make me want to claw my brain out of my skull, but nothing more than that, unfortunately. Needless to say, but obviously a living situation like mine won't have a very good ending. Eventually it'll all hit a brick wall and I'll be left a bloody mess by the side of the road. Although, when all's said and done, isn't that everyone's fate after a certain length of time? Regardless, that's probably what it'll take for me to finally check out, since what the hell other choice would there be at that point? Even having just said that, I'm sure my fear would still get the better of me. I'd probably just become a crazy homeless drifter, or something. Eeeking it out just because I'd be able to. Just like now. At least until I starve and or freeze to death (hopefully). What a pitiful, unnecessary end. All I want is a graceful, clean exit. Life isn't a game worth playing and needlessly prolonging it is nothing, but masochism. It's all a trap, though. One that I happen to be thoroughly stuck in. Fear driven by biological programming keeps me stranded. All to preserve the sadistic little demiurge itself, the DNA molecule. A most dismal curse, if ever there was one.

Forgive the random tangent, but where the fuck's Clarence when you need them? As if we're supposed to think what he did to George was a bad thing. "Never been born? Hot shit Clarence, sign me the fuck up! However, if we can just skip right to the erasing me from existence bit and cut out all that other worthless pedantic bullshit about the meaningless attachments one gets saddled with through life like crusty barnacles on a whale's face that'd be great, thanks." Better never to have been. Truly, the greatest gift of all.

 

[anna]

Because I do not have a safe and peaceful method for me.

 

[millefeui]

My dog. Without her I would have died years ago.

 

[FullFat]

First and foremost, I am a coward. I used to tell myself I held back because of my family, but that's only true to an extent. When I hit the lowest point I've ever sunk in my last depressive episode, I realized that my primary motive is fear. Even when I could rationalize the fallout for my family away, the fear remained.

I also have a simple practical reason. My parents cosined for my car. I'm not leaving them with the debt. I owe them money besides. Once both debts are paid, I may finally CTB if I grow a spine.

 

[TheStartOfEnding]

Lack of failsafe methods, no N, and guns are illegal in my country.

If i had one of those, i wouldn't be there.

I'm now searching jumping from height, but since there is no skyscraper in my country (there may be one or two, but they aren't easily accessible), i'm searching jumping from this mountain : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toubkal

 

[TheStartOfEnding]

The possibility that things might not be as bad as I think. I do overreact and don't think rationally about a lot of things. Probably comes with my mental health problems.

There is a bit of fear as well and also the method.

But after a certain moment, you either have to get busy living or busy dying, so even if things might not be as bad as you think, if you stay in a limbo they will get as bad as you think and worse, so if you're hesitating i'd advice you to leave this forum and any other suicide-related forum, and try to get on with life.

 

[hamilton_fangirl129]

The possibility that things might not be as bad as I think. I do overreact and don't think rationally about a lot of things.

I can relate, but I just have issues. No mental health disorders.

 

[hamilton_fangirl129]

You know, people make really funny sounds when they can't breathe.
I learned that last night when I choked myself a bit with rope.
I'm taking baby steps toward going to ctb.
I'm held back by my girlfriend.
She's my only real friend.