Venting Why don't I want to get better

[Qua]

It's going to be so messy, but I was just sitting, enjoying myself when this gut wrenching feeling caught up to me. I've been feeling good for a longer time now, even though I haven't taken my meds for even longer time. I started thinking about it and got sad, genuinely sad at the thought that I might be getting better. I don't want it? I want to stay as down low as I can, I want to come back to feeling like shit every night, I want to come back to my intrusive thoughts, I want to come back to randomly panicking. I might sound like an absolute fool, like I'm crazy, but I really don't want to get better. I started trying to do anything I could to just get more and more sad, to not feel good and happy anymore. I used to abuse calming meds and this idea popped up in my mind to try and feel how it was again, but to go so bad I become unresponsive. I don't know why I'm feeling like that, because I know for a fact when I am having a mental breakdown I want to end it, I want to be happy and feel normal, so why when I do feel normal I want it to go the other way? It's so stupid and uncomfortable

 

[justkatie]

To me whose been through similar thoughts, it's likely a lack of self esteem and a lack of self confidence.

You feel you deserve to suffer and that you don't deserve to get and feel better.

It's a hard thing to break when you feel so poorly about yourself.

Now I'm no specialist and this may not be you at all, just that I've felt the exact same for most of my life and it took a long time to realise that I do deserve to get better as I was really just beating myself up over things unfairly.

I can elaborate maybe. But just from my own personal experience, this is what I'm sensing here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think there can be a certain amount of fear accompanying happier feelings. It can feel like we're setting ourselves up for a fall. (That's how I tend to feel anyhow.) Sometimes, it just feels safer to feel unhappy or on an even keel rather than suddenly feeling very up. There can be something comfortable and non challenging about feeling melancholy. Not deep sadness so much but a general low mood. Plus, I think we can start to believe that's who we are. It can feel kind of disorientating to feel better. That's my experience anyhow.