Why don’t girls like me? How do I get girlfriend

[Octavia]

I feel like you guys should know that girls value personality a lot more than you think. Of course, there are always superficial ones who are just looking for people with 8-packs, but the intelligent ones would typically value personality much more than looks. Having an attractive appearance does help, yes, but it is not as important as having a caring and kind personality. A person's looks will eventually wither with the passing of time, but a good person would stay a good person over the years.

 

[ChiseHatori]

Personally, I wouldn't want you to take the 5/10 comment to heart. I've been married and in several decent relationships and I think you're much more attractive than other people are giving your credit for - looks are very subjective. You'll actually find a lot of people don't date for looks at all, especially the older you get. Personality and common interests are your best bet like I said before. Dating someone you could consider your best friend is ideal, IMO.

 

[MoonlitNight]

Thank you for the insight. Yes I too agree that a girlfriend shouldn't be your sole reason to live. I have counselled other users on this and it's just such a shame I can't live up to my own advice.
My biggest fear is if I do push those thoughts aside, focus on me and achieve all that was possible for me to achieve in a lifetime. My 40th birthday or whatever (middle age) rolls around and I'm still single it would have all felt for nothing. Who would be there to celebrate with me? My family will all be passed away. I might get a card from my co-workers or a text from a friend but that will still leave my feeling empty as I sit alone in my house. And even if I do find someone then, I will be past my prime and the woman will be beyond her child bearing years. Too late to start a family like I've always envisioned for myself.

I will try in engaging in more public activities. I'm not college educated so I'm only qualified for menial low-pay jobs where working groups and friendships from work are not really a thing. I do appreciate the suggestion though.

True, thats another point of view I didn't see, didn't think that far. It's absolutely valid, and hey we can't always keep ourselves inside the barrier of rules sometimes. I hope you find someone to share your joys and sorrows with, best of luck! I'll probably try to ask my boyfriend on his insight about this too, haha
I do agree on a certain extent on looks tho. yes some people do live for the personality but it's just a plus side to have good looks too so great job so far and keep working at it!

 

[WellDefinedChin]

Thank you for the honest feedback. I knew I was always middle of the pack at best so your rating is not surprising or hurtful. Is it sad that I think 5/10 is not that bad?? Losing fat is now one of my main goals now that I've put on the mass. I'm like 5'11" pushing 190lbs so I'm not THAT tubby but my body fat is just settling in all the wrong places like my midsection. It's just so hard eating right. I ate 3 cookies when I got back from lifting today and I have no idea why, I'm just depression eating I guess. (Though when I'm talking to a girl I'd probably have a shirt on lol so I don't know how helpful this will be in terms of upping my game...)

I just don't think good looks and a nice body are enough, and they never were. "unsuccessful". That is a key word that you used. Ultimately the wealthy unattractive guy will have better odds than the poor attractive guy.

I think where my failures lie with Tinder is more my profile rather than looks alone. When I see women's profiles compared to my own I can tell what they're expecting and what I'm lacking. You need...
1) Photos taken by other people not just a bunch of selfies
2) Photos of you with other people. This like #1 shows to people youre social and have friends who you do stuff with yada yada yada
3)Photos/vids of you engaging in an activity or in a recognizable location, to give others a better idea of who you are and what your interests are.
4) To express humor either through a witty caption or a funny pic. This is probably the most sought after trait.
5) Showing you went to x university and have some flashy and high paying occupational title, like executive something or other. Success is what is mainly attractive for us.

When I compare my photos to the example of the model you provided, there are a few things that come to mind. Yes that guy has some handsomer facial features than I, hairline, eyes, jaw, chin. But that is a professional headshot taken with a high quality camera and the most optimal lighting lol. I only got myself to help me take pics of myself and the built-in iPhone 11 camera. obviously our results are going to be wildly different...

I think if that guy you provided, as handsome as he is, only had what I have to work with photo-wise and my same exact personality and occupation (none), he'd struggle with dating apps too. On there you are essentially "branding" yourself and selling that to other people, like a product or service. Which goes beyond just outward appearances.

Wow you did 5ks and 10ks? Impressive. It's been a very long time since I ran a 5k. A while since I've last run a mile (1.6km), very bad. Despite lifting like everyday I'm incredibly out of shape. Thank you for inspiring me to get after that again :)

Get a dose of reality. Make a profile on any online dating service with that picture or others of Jessy Mckinny, and just see how your world differs. Actually attractive men are their own class of citizen. Really do it. You'll see just how much of a misconception this is.

Ultimatly the weahtly unattractive guy will have better odds than the attractive poor guy.

Not in your age range. And money is conditional attraction. If that's what started your ideal relationship, you're going to have a messy divorce when you can't arouse and satisfy her sexually.
Ugh, this is going to damage any reputation my account can have on here, but I'm going to introduce you to some incel jargon. You are what's known as bluepilled. That's the beliefs that nebulous ideas around virtue and gallantry is what will attract women. It's NOT an accurate model of reality, but it is the most common one.
You've heard of Andrew Tate and maybe this "redpill" thing, that's a reasonable presumption for somebody your age. That's the idea of behavioral determinism; that your actions discern your dating prospects. It is associated with self-improvement.
I used to be in the whole PUA Pick Up Art scene when I was your age in the early 2010's. That was a waste of time. The courses were expensive grifts, and it was easy to note that the attractive tall guy who came clubbing in our cohort always left with early with a girl or two to take home. The blackpill is the idea of genetic determinism, how your looks are easily the most important component of yourself and is the first criteria women judge you on. It is how sex and relationships actually work.
If you want to improve your sex life, you are going to have to improve the way you look. Get to around 14% bf, you look 22%.
My advice for taking photographs would be to increase the focal distance by increasing the distance between you and the phone lens. You should look fine in natural lighting, but it's also very easy to set up a simple two point lighting similar to the lighting used in the example I shared.

I'm not trying to radicalize you, but do not listen to the other posters. Advice like that leaves you chasing your tail until you get dizzy and old. Especially the advice from women, because they are always dysfunctional platitudes. And take it from me, another average looking white guy, kid, you do not want to be heeding any woman's advice when it comes to what they think is attractive. I think I wrote this somewhere else on this forum, but people can lie, intentionally or not, and that is why behavior is observed instead. The truth hurts, but it's the truth.

Looksmax.org - Men's Self-Improvement & Aesthetics

A community dedicated to the discussion of looksmaxing, the art of improving your appearance to achieve your greatest aesthetic potential.

looksmax.org

That's where you can find "looksmaxxing" advice.
But to be brief, your natural limit will be found once you've "leanmaxxed", losing the fat. And I guess "gymmaxx", so you don't have inadequte muscles for a male.

 

[Angi]

Don't let people talk you out of feeling handsome, you look so much more attractive than the guy who was posted as "you should look like that". If the pictures are actually yours and you shower regularily, I am sure your body will not hurt your dating. (Women put each other down over looks and on SS I keep seeing men putting each other down over looks. This is not the kind of fairness I was hoping for...)

Have you considered taking advice from women rather than men on what would make you attractive to women? There are several feminist subs on reddit where the question "What makes a man attractive to you" is regularily asked and usually yields very actionable stuff. Given the feminist tag, men who don't give a shit about women avoid those places, and straight men who do respect women would not patronizingly answer such a question, so the answers there will likely be from the gender you are trying to impress.

 

[zeenatax]

You are good looking man. Just have confidence in yourself. Just smile a bit and be playful. Everyone like a happy cheerful person, girls are not exception, even if you are faking it.

 

[CantWait2D1E]

@WellDefinedChin : I do appreciate your commitment to this thread. I thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions despite fears of how they'll be received. I'll do my best to address each of your points as you clearly spent some time writing them.

Get a dose of reality. Make a profile on any online dating service with that picture or others of Jessy Mckinny, and just see how your world differs. Actually attractive men are their own class of citizen. Really do it. You'll see just how much of a misconception this is.

I'll have to just take your word on this. Only a few days back on these dating apps I'm already about to quit them. I've gotten matches but on Tinder I either don't know how to start the conversation and do nothing, or I say something and they don't respond. And on Bumble the matches always expire. They're somehow on there enough to swipe on me but can't send a message within 24-48hrs? That one stings cause it implies they must've matched on accident and instead of unmatching it's just left there sitting and me wondering. Can't even get the classic "Hey" from someone anymore. Dating apps truly suck and it really says something about our society today when they're like almost a necessity to chat and romance with someone.

Not in your age range. And money is conditional attraction. If that's what started your ideal relationship, you're going to have a messy divorce when you can't arouse and satisfy her sexually.

Maybe I didn't word this right. Instead of wealthy... ambitious? hardworking or goal-oriented? Advanced a bit in society? I got pretty far talking to this one girl on Tinder, absolute babe too. Conversation was frequent, we did good keeping it flowing by bouncing off each others points, called each other cute yada yada yada. Things declined when we got to discussing occupation and living situations. She asked "do you live alone or do you have roommates?" Like it was expected of me to be moved out and self-sufficient at this point. That kinda struck me as maybe despite being attractive enough, I am not in a position financially to be dating. There are far more important things I must possess than a handsome face and a perfectly sculpted physique.

You are what's known as bluepilled. That's the beliefs that nebulous ideas around virtue and gallantry is what will attract women. It's NOT an accurate model of reality, but it is the most common one.
You've heard of Andrew Tate and maybe this "redpill" thing, that's a reasonable presumption for somebody your age. That's the idea of behavioral determinism; that your actions discern your dating prospects. It is associated with self-improvement.
I used to be in the whole PUA Pick Up Art scene when I was your age in the early 2010's. That was a waste of time. The courses were expensive grifts, and it was easy to note that the attractive tall guy who came clubbing in our cohort always left with early with a girl or two to take home. The blackpill is the idea of genetic determinism, how your looks are easily the most important component of yourself and is the first criteria women judge you on. It is how sex and relationships actually work.

Yes I am familiar with Andrew Tate and all these "pill" ideas and their allusion to the whole Matrix concept as a whole. That is probably the one thing I like about that man. How he is trying to open young men's mind about the complete bs reality we find ourselves in and the proper ways to navigate it. He should keep his views on women and his toxic masculinity to himself though.
I think simply there is a lot more to attraction than just looks. Sure our genetics can help but even those hindered by theirs have found ways to overcome. Being tall/attractive/muscular might reel them in but other aspects of you get them to stay. The guy you and your group went out with obviously must've had some game or dance moves to boot. No one just grabs you in the middle of a party and's like "lets get outa here and go shag at my place", you got to still put in some work.
If anything, a man should probably take all three pills. Only then can you have a complete understanding of the topic.

Your tips are very helpful, the ones about looksmaxxing and taking better photos. Losing bf is going to be the main goal now from fitness. Really the only difference between me and any of the male bodybuilding influencers is that I have like quadruple or more their bf. If only getting lean and staying lean was as easy as working out consistently for a couple years.... And yes getting advice from a man is important. We tend not to sugarcoat things. Your efforts are warranted and welcomed :)