it feels like no one cares about me as much as i care about them. my partner and my friends come to me for all things big and small. and idm that. im always willing to try to help them. but today was a prime example of the loneliness i feel daily. my grandma died and i had her funeral today and my family dog is terminally ill with bone cancer so its been a huge struggle. my partner knows about both situations and not once today checked in or asked if i was ok. i had to reach out and ask for reassurance and was completely ignored. he went to bed without responding. and all my friends have to say is "damn man" or "thats sucks, im sorry." meanwhile my partner told me hes failing a class today and i sent him words of encouragement, let him know his value isnt reflected in his grades, and offered solutions. right after the funeral lol. i feel like i go above and beyond for "small" things like that but i have to face death completely alone. i mentioned to my partner that i was struggling w suicidal ideation a few months ago and he seemed almost fed up w me bc of it. said i should go to therapy... even tho ive explained how difficult it is for me to make appointments when my job schedule is so inconsistent. i just want reassurance. i just want someone to care about me. i feel like if i died, people wouldnt care. i am surrounded by death and im being consumed by it. 4 people showed up to my grandmas funeral this morning and it made me realize that im going to die alone too. part of me wants to kms while my mom and other grandparents are still alive so at least someone shows up to my funeral... i know how terrible that sounds but i just so desperately want to be seen. ill never be seen. ill never be loved as much as i love others. i want to die.
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I'm an idiot sandwich.
- Oct 28, 2023
- 197
I understand you. It's one of the worst feelings there is - never being good enough, never being wanted / loved / cared for. I can relate to you. Trying your best for others, being there whenever they need but then having no1 around when you're low. I've had people telling me stuff like "text me again when you feel better" when I told them how I feel. They didn't even try to hide how much they didn't give a shit about me. It sucks. I feel like whenever people need something, I'm the first person they text because I always answer. When I feel bad - no1 is there. I've been feeling low currently and so I didn't text any1. Haven't received any message in few day from anyone. But it is what it is, I'm kind of used to it at this point. I guess I'll never matter to any1 the way they matter to me. I just wanted to tell you that I hear you and see you and that I'm here if you want to vent. I'm not the best at talking or giving advice, but I'm a good listener.
i hate that u have to struggle with this too... feeling alone perpetuates almost all of my struggles and makes them 10x worse. if u ever need someone, im willing to listen to u too. thank u for seeing me, just hearing how much u relate and still seeing ur kindness eases my mind. i was becoming bitter.
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I'm an idiot sandwich.
- Oct 28, 2023
- 197
Yes, exactly. It's horrible when you're stuck there with your own thoughts and no1 even bothers to check if you're still alive. Makes it seem like you're not important/don't matter. Reading your post made me extremely upset and angry but also made me feel less alone, like there is someone who understands and relates. I'm grateful you shared it, thank you.
