I wish I wasn't so helpless I've always felt sad and people always act like it's gonna get better but it doesn't I just go through more and the fact I simply go through it makes people think I've gotten stronger but I haven't, ever since I was 10 I've had a feeling my life was gonna be cut short I told my parents I was struggling with feelings of self harm or suicide and they told me to stop saying that and that things were simply gonna get better since then I've tried multiple different ways to end my life but it hasn't worked I'll try again tonight right after writing this I'll drink some alcohol and take 80/100 pills and hope it works this time and doesn't make my system even more fucked up, if that doesn't work I'll try another method last time I starved myself for 6 days then tried with a lesser amount I just need a death while sleeping my mother is talking to me right now as im writing this she probably thinks im playing a mobile game or texting someone right now and she's telling me what i need to change it's been one year since what happened to me but she still doesn't get it I'll die tonight I'm not evening responding she's just talking to me like I'm listening the only thing I feel good about is I'm ignoring her right now and that's the only benefit I feel happy with I feel happy I'm gonna go tonight just relieved I'll feel some pain and then I'm gone I just wish she would leave my room right now I love her but don't need her right now she did
I'm wondering is she gonna die too I love her and don't want her to go and I don't want her to go before me, maybe I'm selfish because that's how others feel as well I'm just gonna go down in 30 minutes and kill myself they won't be allowed at my funeral though and I don't want to be buried I want to have my ashes in the sea I can't decide that though so it's up to them but I really don't want them at my funeral maybe I'm selfish for that I'll keep this tab open maybe they'll close it but I don't want them to blame anyone but my brother when he was 18 he used to punch me and yell and berate me I was 14/13 at the time and didn't know what to do he still lives with us 5 years later maybe that's his karma but it haunts me what he did He told me to die and kill myself which I will do and I blame him even if I'm the one to kill myself I want to owe myself these acts of selfishness because I didn't get them when I was alive I'll become like a turkey and die my body lifeless and the reactions to my body will be the only thing that keeps me alive maybe the police or hospital will think it isn't that severe I don't know but I'm not calling them this is getting too long but one thing I'm happy about is the fact death can save you
If I fuck myself up again I'll be sad I'll just try and hopefully it'll be ok
I'm wondering is she gonna die too I love her and don't want her to go and I don't want her to go before me, maybe I'm selfish because that's how others feel as well I'm just gonna go down in 30 minutes and kill myself they won't be allowed at my funeral though and I don't want to be buried I want to have my ashes in the sea I can't decide that though so it's up to them but I really don't want them at my funeral maybe I'm selfish for that I'll keep this tab open maybe they'll close it but I don't want them to blame anyone but my brother when he was 18 he used to punch me and yell and berate me I was 14/13 at the time and didn't know what to do he still lives with us 5 years later maybe that's his karma but it haunts me what he did He told me to die and kill myself which I will do and I blame him even if I'm the one to kill myself I want to owe myself these acts of selfishness because I didn't get them when I was alive I'll become like a turkey and die my body lifeless and the reactions to my body will be the only thing that keeps me alive maybe the police or hospital will think it isn't that severe I don't know but I'm not calling them this is getting too long but one thing I'm happy about is the fact death can save you
If I fuck myself up again I'll be sad I'll just try and hopefully it'll be ok
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