Discussion Why do you want to end it?

[FireFox]

On a daily basis, I weigh dying against living.

Living involves being criticized by my husband and living in a constant state of vigilance with the hope of finally figuring out how to make the criticism stop. And even if I could figure that out, the pain of all my life's memories haunts me. I can't escape it.

Dying also involves terrifying pain.

Suicide happens when the pain of living surpasses the pain of dying.

@rebelsue If only it was possible for you to leave the asshole
I hope and pray you find the courage to leave the narcisst asshole
I mean it you deserve so much better.

My incompetence (so much I don't know that I should know), difficulty articulating myself verbally, a very bad memory where I forget whole conversations and my mental illnesses make life extremely difficult. I just wish something like a meteor would take me out.

@Squiddy how are you doing? You were in hospital after vomiting bad.
Have you had help for these issues.
If i feel imcompetent too. I dont know how to pay a bill, order off amazon. It is embrassing really

 

[WhatIsMyLife]

Never had any close friends. Always lonely. Severe depression and anxiety. I'm just tired in general, pretending that I'm okay. Just want it to end.

 

[FireFox]

I am weird and mentally ill

What is normal anyway?
Society conditions us in to this cycle of go to school ,work , marry and pay taxes til you die.
Society expects people to conform too
There so many alternative ways of living but society as well as families does not allow people to explore.
1) Off grid living
2 hippie communes
3) living in a monestary
As long as we respect people and be kind to one another that all that matters.
Stand up to injustice then that what matters

Never had any close friends. Always lonely. Severe depression and anxiety. I'm just tired in general, pretending that I'm okay. Just want it to end.

Sorry
Are you male and female . Loneiness is an issue amoung men espically if they middle aged etc
What do you enjoy doing? Maybe that way you find a club or place to meet people.
Sometimes having no friends is better than having friends who talk about you behind your back and exclude you from everything.
I hope you find some friends
Love
FireFox

 

[catmom13]

For maybe 2/3rds of my life I've been depressed. I got diagnosed with bipolar 2 as an adult and everything made sense. My mother and her side of the family also has a history of mental illness that they did not acknowledge(more bipolar 1/borderline, from what I've observed and experienced). I'm tired of my brain, my body, my medications, and all the motions we go through daily to "live".

I don't see a point in living. I don't want children--I am not equipped to handle them, and I believe it is selfish to have them when you have a horrible disease that they can inherit. Even if I wanted them, I don't want them to possibly have a mental illness. I don't want them to go through the same things that I have gone through.

Right now I have two cats who are in mid-life that I absolutely adore. I always told myself that when they're gone, I'll then put my plan to CTB in motion. Until then, I'll coast through the day-to-day routines.

 

[FireFox]

Mental ilness, (Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder). Childhood sexual abuse, crippling debt, lack of social life and interactions etc. Vicious circle.

@BPDBarbie you are amazing and so caring it is such shame you are going through all this .

What happend for you to be in cripping debt? ( if you dont mind
Have you been to the citizen advice ( your local one) they are great at advising on how to manage debts and options availbe. If not i reccommend you go book an appoitment. The service is free

How are you finding the NHS? I am struggling to get help.
Please take and keep safe
Love
FireFox

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Can't go on this way and lack of porpouse. I question my existence everyday and I think I've seen everything I just don't want to go on anymore. And this world is sick. I'd feel lucky if I choose ctb.

 

[plough22]

I see no future for me, I'm tired of waking up, I tired of fighting the deep dark thoughts. Just tired, I want peace. Never thought I'd consider suicide but I see me ending in 2020

 

[Meowkin]

What prevents you from enjoying life?
1) Not knowing what i want to do with my life is the biggest reason of all my distress. I always know what i want to do next i plan for worst. Since graduating 10 months ago i feel so lost. I studied law but domt want to be a lawyer. Having a plan gives me control and it gives me peace. No one sees how scared i am.

2)Not having a purpose because i feel like i am nothing in this world and just dont belong here.
Everyday i feel like i have nothing to live for. Everyday feels like the same. Wake up, watch netflix with little sis, go on SS forum and sleep. I want adventure in my
When i was a university student i had a purpose identity now i am not i just feel like i am nothing .

3)Not having a job. Having a job i will something to wake up for , my own income , I feel like a real adult. I feel like i am unemployable and job rejection makes me feel like i will never be good enough.

I feel like i am an embrassment to my family by not having a job( my family never say this though).
When relatives phone my grandmother they ask what i am doing ? My nan struggles to answer.
I went to church party last year and woman asked i want i was doing . It was awful . Her daughters are studtying at the U top universities in the UK . People in the church i go to have careers and are married.
If i killed myself i no longer be an embrassment to my family ( the unemployed loser) and family will never have worry about me in finding a job or explaining to relatives what i am doing. My family will devasted yes but everyday i feel like i am embrassment and burden to them. My family never call me an embrassment.

4) Being single. I hate it so much. Seeing couples holding each others hands and kissing in public, going shopping together. I get so upset because i want someone to love me like that. I always thought i will have a boyfriend by now.

5) living in the same house in the neighbourhood. I love my family and neighbourhood. I hate being in the same area.

6) Not being a real adult. I dont know how to pay a bill, i live at home with family. It is so embrassing.

Why do i want to end it all?
The future scares me so much and i dont ever see my life changing.
I dont want to live to see the next 10 years of my life
I am 23 years old i feel like a loser everyday and dont feel young anymore
I feel like i cant fix my issues.
- i never worked excpet voluntary work. I have majoir insecurities because of it. I am 23 and never had a job it so embrassing and cant tell anymore. Social media makes fun of people who never worked.

Employers want experience for everything
No one is hiring because of covid19
Single? I am not like most people my age. I hate going to bars. I enjoy discussing politics , history , travel or tv shows with people
Datin websites nervous
I dont feel attractive at all.
I prefer to ask guys out and last minute they dump me.
I just dont belong here , i feel like i am in a hole which i cant get out.
I dont know how to live
Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I have fucked it all up at 23.

I'm sorry for your pain. It seems like you see no future for yourself and that can be frightening.

 

[GoBack]

Im at a dead end. Feels like the only thing I can do

 

[SeekingPeace2000]

I am 20 years old and have no close friends whatsoever, in my childhood i was constantly bullied and socially-isolated. I have been diagnosed with Asperger's. My future is pretty limited in terms of possibilities, and my dreams will never manifest. I am unhappy pretty much all the time, so why not take a shortcut to the inevitable? Also, as mentioned, this world is fucked up beyond repair.

 

[ceelo]

I loved life and my physical health, ive had an amazing life full of activities and achievements then just 15 months ago i developed stomach problems then long story short i now have pancreatic disease, motility disorder, and a very severe 24/7 somtoform anxiety disorder..... yeah go figure. So im done i cant do anything anymore, all my joys gone and on top of that constant suffering and torment everyday from a long list of symptoms that never stop and are affecting my co ordination, thinking, muscles, just everything so its time to go.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I don't like this world, I don't want any part of it, didn't want it since the day I knew I was alive and was supposed to be doing here as a small child....I don't want to play this game of life, and I feel so hopeless about all the animal suffering, I can't do anything, I'm hopeless, and broken. I don't know how to fit into this world, on one hand I don't even want to, and on the other hand I can't even if I wanted to. I can't even do the most basic of things like being independent and self sustaining, so really why do I have to be stuck here as a burden on my family, on society and tax payers, and be shamed about it and told that I'm a burden, I should at least get the choice and the help to end my life early, I clearly don't belong in this society, and I really don't want to be a part of it.

The only thing that would make me happy and prolong my life is a shit ton of money, like millions, a lottery win for sure. Then at least I can use it to gain more freedom and peace, and a guaranteed way of CTB. I don't really want or need anything that money can't buy, for example, I don't care about friendships, or relationships, especially in this society it's all so fake and requires so much effort, you can't possibly have a healthy relationship or friendship if you're completely fucked in the head yourself, otherwise you'll be faking it hard and lying all the time, putting on an act, which is mentally exhausting, I also don't really trust anyone else who I don't live with. I'm not missing anyone, I'm not lonely, I love being lonely! The way I see it, if this is how society wants to be - heartless, hopeless, and selfish, then maybe I can do that too if I had riches. I could totally immerse myself in something else and ignore the screwed up world, and eventually CTB before it's too late, before I get old and unable. But don't worry, it most likely won't happen for me, I'll remain poor forever, just like my parents were poor, and their parents, and so on. I come from a long line of laborers and slaves who always want more and better.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

What prevents you from enjoying life?
1) Not knowing what i want to do with my life is the biggest reason of all my distress. I always know what i want to do next i plan for worst. Since graduating 10 months ago i feel so lost. I studied law but domt want to be a lawyer. Having a plan gives me control and it gives me peace. No one sees how scared i am.

2)Not having a purpose because i feel like i am nothing in this world and just dont belong here.
Everyday i feel like i have nothing to live for. Everyday feels like the same. Wake up, watch netflix with little sis, go on SS forum and sleep. I want adventure in my
When i was a university student i had a purpose identity now i am not i just feel like i am nothing .

3)Not having a job. Having a job i will something to wake up for , my own income , I feel like a real adult. I feel like i am unemployable and job rejection makes me feel like i will never be good enough.

I feel like i am an embrassment to my family by not having a job( my family never say this though).
When relatives phone my grandmother they ask what i am doing ? My nan struggles to answer.
I went to church party last year and woman asked i want i was doing . It was awful . Her daughters are studtying at the U top universities in the UK . People in the church i go to have careers and are married.
If i killed myself i no longer be an embrassment to my family ( the unemployed loser) and family will never have worry about me in finding a job or explaining to relatives what i am doing. My family will devasted yes but everyday i feel like i am embrassment and burden to them. My family never call me an embrassment.

4) Being single. I hate it so much. Seeing couples holding each others hands and kissing in public, going shopping together. I get so upset because i want someone to love me like that. I always thought i will have a boyfriend by now.

5) living in the same house in the neighbourhood. I love my family and neighbourhood. I hate being in the same area.

6) Not being a real adult. I dont know how to pay a bill, i live at home with family. It is so embrassing.

Why do i want to end it all?
The future scares me so much and i dont ever see my life changing.
I dont want to live to see the next 10 years of my life
I am 23 years old i feel like a loser everyday and dont feel young anymore
I feel like i cant fix my issues.
- i never worked excpet voluntary work. I have majoir insecurities because of it. I am 23 and never had a job it so embrassing and cant tell anymore. Social media makes fun of people who never worked.

Employers want experience for everything
No one is hiring because of covid19
Single? I am not like most people my age. I hate going to bars. I enjoy discussing politics , history , travel or tv shows with people
Datin websites nervous
I dont feel attractive at all.
I prefer to ask guys out and last minute they dump me.
I just dont belong here , i feel like i am in a hole which i cant get out.
I dont know how to live
Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I have fucked it all up at 23.

I'm sorry you feel all that @FireFox you find yourself in a less than ideal time job wise, I think many are in the same boat. Me, I'm on the scrap heap! But at 23 I still had no idea what I was doing and I was alone too. I just drifted from job to job and town to town after uni. It's different ofc now though, I do feel sorry for people of your age coming out of full time education.

 

[madbananas]

My life is a complete mess full of traumas and self hatred and I have no idea how to fix it. Lost the only important person to me and as soon as something starts to become good, it just gets snatched away. I don't kniw what happiness feels like.

This is similar to my reason. People just abandon me and treat me like a worthless piece of sh*t and then complain about the fact that I want to ctb

 

[Acopia]

I'm terrified of being put in a hospital again, and I hate working, so there's no future for me. I'm also on psych meds that make me suicidal, make me miserable and wear me down and prevent me from studying/working. I also have to go to university (again) to get a decent job and I hate doing that.

I can't do what I like, which is smoking hashish because of the psych meds. I also have no pleasures or passions in life, so I have no reason to live.

Just out of interest, what drugs can't you smoke hash on? It sucks to have your one pleasure taken away like that.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Chronic health issues and the world is becoming more and more of a dystopia with each passing year.

 

[Blackpoolbootz]

Lack of love, when you realise the only fairtails that come true are the bad ones. In your worst nightmares as a child would you have ended up as you are. A wasted life, a lonely life, mentally hard and painfull life. Even if could make it tolerable what is their to look forward to the chances big which eps away with each day.

 

[rundschlinge78]

Why?
Why not?
I have had an interesting life and have been very fortunate. I have a good job, good life, friends, etc.
I am just ready to die.
I don't want to wait.
I think death is the end of existence. I cannot miss what might have been. I cannot regret ending my life.
I so look forward to the moment of knowing with certainty, my life is finally ending.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I'm tired of my deformed torax.
I'm tired

 

[ophiastri]

buckle up friends, it's going to be a bumpy ride (not trying to harm anyone so I'm sorry but there is probably at least one thing here that will offend everyone)

"He" who shall not be named, people destroying this one-in-many-trillions planet to get fake green paper, humans perpetuating stupid wars of every flavor holding our species back over the most petty reasons, greed and selfishness in 99% of companies, brands that prey on people with mental illness who are seeking relief, the fact that everyone will try to stop CTB and you have to go through it utterly alone, people that refuse to take public health measures and directly lead to the deaths of others, anxiety so profound that I feel a pneumatic fist into my stomach followed by the feeling of having swallowed radioactive waste for the next three days because I dropped a pencil, autism, the mass genocide of trillions of animals because we prefer their taste over plants (I tried to kindly explain how bad it is once and a family member literally said "stop, it will hurt my feelings"), some neurological defect that makes me randomly feel like I need to rip my face off in rage/frustration with no trigger, unresolvable tribalism where we're always told why the "other" is evil, racism, other nations trying to manipulate others and assassinate dissenters, who can't understand that we're all trying to survive on this stupid rock together, the fact that almost every human being is happy to gamble with their child and flip a coin hoping they don't turn out with a condition where they scream in agony all day for fifty years, the fact that capitalism feeds off of people failing and suffering so that someone else can get paid, being forced to have a body that is disgusting and humiliating, the fact that laws have to be passed for employees to get bathroom breaks, there is always prejudice and stigma and you can't enjoy the things you like, the fact I've been alone for almost thirty years despite having been blessed with decent looks and embodying kindness and empathy, the fact we have an education system with standardized testing that nearly guarantees you fail if your brain works in a different way, the inevitability of illness and suffering, the way I had to watch my father crawl through five years of wishing for death after he had a paralyzing stroke and later cancer that took him and knowing millions of others go through the same and worse, having gifts that can't be sold and monetized so I have no value as a human being in our free market society, the fact you can do everything right and sacrifice all you've got to start a small business and still fail because you're unlucky, having a broken brain that I've tried so ****ing hard to make work with this world but giving 150% hasn't been enough for me to be functional enough to clean toilets

There is so much more but I think points have been made. This is just the tip of the iceberg

 

[greebo6]

Whats preventing you from enjoying life enough to make it worth living?

My age ,the way I look (ugly) , being eternally single ,being eternally unemployed ,having no friends , being very lonely.
Also , so sick and tired of being...…well ,sick and tired. Had enough of mental illness , depression and anxiety.
Think that sums it all up.

 

[raincloud_]

I'm tired. When I ask myself "what makes you happy?," I don't really have an answer.

I live a life of constant "you should do this...." I pushed myself through graduate school. I pushed myself through athletics. I am pushing myself to get into higher education. I am pushing myself to get a "good" job. My whole life is just living up to everyone's expectations. But once I hit one thing, it's on to the next thing that I need to do. It's gotten to the point where I get yelled at for not sleeping enough, even though I'm sleeping less in order to fulfill all of these obligations.

I've reached a point where I've done enough with my life and ending it all seems relieving tbh.

 

[Conker]

Personal contentment and fleeting joy isn't enough to keep me Earthbound.

There's no healing, happiness or peace here and as such I'm making my departure from it all. I've been asleep for so long that I'm not letting this window opening opportunity go to waste.

 

[Blueman]

Being unemployed, being depressed, not having enough money to retire, seeing older relatives health fail .being tired.
Constantly regretting mistakes which lead to unemployment. Whilst my friends all work and are heading for financially secure retirements.

No motivation to do things I used to enjoy

 

[Mr.Nobody]

Loneliness , no future , mild kyphosis , mental illness.

 

[Trayus]

Lonelyness. I am almost 30 and never had a girlfriend. I dont want to go on for the rest of my life all alone. I tried to find somebody to connect with, but i am too introverted to make any progress. Maybe i am just unlovable.

my reason seems so petty, yet these thoughts hurt me so much.

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

Whats preventing you from enjoying life enough to make it worth living?

Upcoming car-less, shelter-less homelessness that will be permanent (a slower far more awful society/government caused death) is the number one reason at this time. No local shelters will take you more than 3 months, and none of them will take you at all if you can't work. Can't get Social Security in spite of actually being disabled, also can't work. My date was the end of October because of this, but now it's been postponed because we were allowed to sign a lease, but it's been made a sure thing by an organization that is throwing my social security case as well as another member of the household's.... so all 3 of us go homeless in a few months and it's worse. We'll owe thousands for the months we can't fullfill on the lease and we lose everything we own and they charge us for throwing it all in the dumpster.

Secondly, chronic painful health conditions, seizures, dementia symptoms and memory loss that are getting worse, temporal lobe seizures and PTSD blackouts and vision problems keep me from working and are scary and hard to live with and have taken away everything I ever wanted to do.

Thirdly, the places that are paid to help people like me tend to attract a lot of predators, and people who want to control or hurt others, surrounded by a lot of people who will cover for them because they just want to keep their job and if they get in their coworker's way it'll cause problems for them.

Sometimes that corruption goes all the way to the top and if you've gathered evidence and brought it to the head of their company, you're about to get blackmailed and threatened... then you've got enemies in high places when you *needed help*. I've seen much shorter answers here by others who sum that part up to "hopeless" future, and I get it. But once you've experienced it, there's no way out.

 

[Heart Shards]

I don't have a chance in this world. I'm twenty-seven, still at home with my parents (they don't deserve to still take care of me.) I draw disability, which feels horrible--no one wants to live off the government. I have no money to move out. My teeth are beyond fucked up. It would cost thousands to fix them (damn you depression from keeping me from brushing my teeth.) I have Asperger's, so good luck having friends or people that understand you. I feel like an alien most of the time. and people are too flakey for my liking to stick around.

 

[Lost]

Just tired of everything and daily negative thoughts

 

[MariV]

a collection of health problems including skin cancer all over my body which makes me a monster, and tinnitus which drives me crazy. excruciating pain everyday