Why do you want to die?

[MiMif]

For any pro lifers on here I'm actually more interested in your response to the question on why you want to live?

 

[Darkover]

there's nothing to live for here, food sex children drink sleep drugs music films games books sports drama friends love science technology writing reading speaking listening all of these things are boring why because of human beings are such shiity machines and everything this universe creates is shitty

 

[Silent Raindrops]

My reason is depression and anxiety. It's haunted me since my early teens, and 40 some years later, it's still haunting me.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

Because I'm ugly, stupid, autistic, awkward, pathetic and immature, no one is ever going to love me, I can't achieve anything special that will make me proud of myself, my parents are literally ashamed of me and there's basically nothing worth living for.

 

[turbomightbegone]

do i even truly have a reason? sometimes I myself don't know why I want to leave my existence. I guess it's because im doing absolutely nothing with my life. I cant pick myself up after being in such a low mental state for so long. I cant do the one thing I'm good at, so why bother living my existence if I don't have a purpose? I might as well just rot in my bed and die,, doesnt matter if im living in my room or on the streets, I'll probably never change. what's the point of bothering to live a full life if my mental state is already making it dull and bleak?

 

[violetskies]

i just keep messing up and every time i get even a little bit better my mental illness just drags me back down to the beginning again.

 

[Morpho]

I want to kill myself because of my borderline personality disorder

 

[divinemistress36]

I don't think there is any pro lifers on here

 

[Diantha Pearnut]

I don't think there is any pro lifers on here

I agree, I'm literally done with my life. I can't stand my family, classmates and my school teachers. I want to commit suicide, and end it all. Life is just a journey for me, it isn't a sandbox like you can edit and change the present.

 

[DeletedAccount0864]

Deep trauma due to childhood abuse
Completely ruined body
Destroyed my one chance at happiness
Can't get over having destroyed my one chance at happiness
I feel no joy anymore
I see no future for myself
Getting too old to start over

 

[MiMif]

I agree, I'm literally done with my life. I can't stand my family, classmates and my school teachers. I want to commit suicide, and end it all. Life is just a journey for me, it isn't a sandbox like you can edit and change the present.

Same

 

[ChronicLoser]

I just can't live with myself anymore. I have no purpose, no use, no value and beyond that I hate myself. Waking up everyday in a body I hate, to a face I hate, with a mind I hate that also hates me back... I just can't do it anymore.

 

[divinemistress36]

Despite what @FuneralCry thinks I can assure you that there are no pro-lifers on here to answer that

..

They would get chewed out so bad on here

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I'd always see it as better to not exist regardless of the circumstances, I see nothing desirable about decaying from age in this meaningless and futile existence where there is unlimited potential to suffer endlessly.

In my case I see suicide as rational as it's the way to find peace from the burden of existing as a human, I only wish for eternal nothingness where all is forgotten about, existence itself truly is the ultimate problem and is nothing more than an unnecessary harm.

For me suicide is suffering prevention and the way to find safety from suffering, in fact it comforts me to think of not existing for all eternity, all I wish for is this existence to disappear into nothingness.

 

[sisyphus_]

I have never thought of suicide, I have always thought of myself to be the polar opposite of a suicidal person and that life is too precious to waste and should be lived to the fullest.

I have been leading a great life and accomplishing many amazing things and I've come so far especially considering the hardships I've gone through.
But shit happened. Life took a toll on me, badly. A combination of childhood trauma, several fucked up lifestyle choices I've made ranging from doing drugs to burning myself out with a lifestyle that was just too fast paced work wise and hedonism wise.

The drugs sort of awakened what seems to be an anxiety disorder that I was genetically predisposed to. And I've also made some bad career decisions which caused my life to become harder than it needs to be.
It's so crazy how shit can shift over the course of a few years, here I am succumbing to suicidal ideation and sort of losing my will to live.

I'm at a point where I see life and death as two faces of the same coin, same goes for riches and poverty, fun and boredom, accomplishments and failures. What's the fucking point? I know this way of thinking is negative and I've developed some nihilistic outlooks on life (duh, not surprising given my circumstances) but I really no point in living at times.

Damn that sort of felt cathartic to write!

 

[Terry A. Davis]

Because I constantly feel as though I am out of place like an alien in disguise. I've never felt as though I have truly fit in and always felt people were just being nice, even close friends. I suspect I have aspergers syndrome and I have struggled to hold down jobs, continue and attain relationships with women, keep up with friends and social events my whole life. People accuse me of being self absorbed and not thinking of others needs and wants and only caring about myself. They aren't entirely wrong which is why it's so upsetting. I wish I could play the social game as much as everyone else but my mental health is so atrocious theres days where I put my mobile on airplane mode just so I don't receive any notifications. And that's if I do receive any. Most of the time I only get called to hang out when (I suspect) there's nobody else.

Seeing how this world is run makes me sick. It's demoralising that people choose not to do anything about it and choose instead to ignore it or engage in it themselves. We westerners live in such abstract luxury that we're more concerned with losing weight than gaining it. For all of human history we tried to store fat and now we have so much food people force themselves to exercise to get rid of excess calories. It's so unbelievably bizarre when you really think about it and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I just feel very unwanted and used by others. I try to make a difference in my life by trying to self improve and I enjoy it but then something will happen which will remind me how mentally different I am to most people and it will make me feel like an alien all over again. Sick and tired of that cycle happening over and over again. Real tired of it.

 

[spring vainglory]

I have never thought of suicide, I have always thought of myself to be the polar opposite of a suicidal person and that life is too precious to waste and should be lived to the fullest.

oh man, i completely agree with you on this one. this used to be me too. ofc, i was never one to think that suicide is not the answer. i always knew that for some living only means suffering, and they deserve a way out. that just wasnt me. i mean, my life was always hard, but i was still able to experience love, feel happiness, and enjoy things. i never thought it would be me, but here i am now.

i think from the start all odds were against me. i had only one parent, but she was abusive and neglectful and chose drugs over my brother and i sometimes. from her i inherited mood disorders and the hedonism that holds me back. i cut off my entire family once i reached adulthood. even when homeless everyone else im related to were too fucked up themselves to be able to help. but i got back on my feet on my own somehow. i have my brother again but his life is shitty too.
as i get older life just gets harder. now i have no home again but my brother's friend's dad is letting us take up space in his (what i guess is) disability housing. i can't find a job, i have no money left, i have a boyfriend but i need so much from him emotionally and financially that it brings me immense guilt. i do love him though, so much that i'm only alive bc i dont want to lose him even if it's to death...

i realized that i have adhd and autism. work is just not sustainable for me, if i work a normal job that makes enough to sustain life, i wouldn't even be living anyway. just breathing and surviving like always. i want to get out of this loop, this poverty. i used to have big dreams, to escape this country & its racism where i feel so unsafe & unwanted, and live a peaceful life with someone i love and raise a family. truly i want to be a housewife since work is not for me, but if i couldn't find that at least being part of a culture im passionate about is good enough too.
i mean, my dreams werent even too crazy for someone normal with a commonly stable upbringing. but for me, i guess they're as big as wanting to be rich & famous in an age before social media.

with adhd, autism, mental illness, being a bipoc, i realize that the world is built for my downfall. the world thrives off of keeping me stuck here in this poverty loop.
it doesn't look like i'll ever reach my goals, or get out of this cage in a hole. i want to find a job, i want to start school, but i keep failing at it over and over and over. if even these little starting steps are so impossible for me, surely the rest of it won't come around either.
hope was the only thing i ever had keeping me going. hope that one day itll all be worth it. its looking not worth it after all. i've lost my hope.

 

[Redleaf1992]

I'm not fully ready to CTB because of family but I'm seeing how things go with therapy, and getting ready to CTB now incase I decide to go.

For me it feels like the right time to die. I know my life is about to go shit fast.

My close social group is basically just my family. My sisters have reached the point where my sisters where they are starting their own family and their efforts will be more focused on the new family's than existing leaving me alone.

I practically have no chance of forming my own family. I'm 32 and never have a relationship. Reasons include intimacy and anxiety (won't go into loads of detail).

Meanwhile I'm impulsively taking male to female HRT while being unsure if an actually trans which is fucking me up whichever side of the coin my identity lands.

If I ever have a date I would never be able to bring them home. I have my teddies from childhood as I have a deep believe they are alive with souls and talk to them both F2F and in my head, and have OCD like compulsions involving them. I know this will ultimatley drive of any potential partner - and I'm never getting rid of teds.

While my relationship potential is fucked so is my career. Because of my career path my current job is basically the only one I can have (which will pay the bills). Meanwhile I can't seem to focus enough during work - I have a ADHD referral but in the UK the wait time is years. Meanwhile my attention to work has dropped from struggling to absolutely zilch now depression has kicked in. It won't be long until work cottons on.

So basically I'm left with a life of only a job I dislike which I'm likely gonna get fired from soon anyway, and going to be left lonely till the day I die. So I would much rather die now where atleast I have had mostly good memories of life now than ruin it with what's to come.

 

[sisyphus_]

oh man, i completely agree with you on this one. this used to be me too. ofc, i was never one to think that suicide is not the answer.
[...]

Oh my, I really feel for u. What you've gone through is really not easy...

It really sucks when the switch is suddenly flipped in u, and it sucks how you feel torn between life and death.

You're fantasizing about ending it all yet clinging to life and wishing there was a way out of this, only to realize how much effort it takes to rebuild and fix this shit.

And the effort here is not the usual effort a regular person must endure, you feel like somehow the universe just told you FUCK YOU and cursed you with a load of problems that add a lot of burden rendering everything you have to do in life (from work to chores to self care) must harder than it should be, especially since you DID experience what it means to be fully functional before and suddenly you're not anymore.

 

[MiMif]

In my case I'd always see it as better to not exist regardless of the circumstances, I see nothing desirable about decaying from age in this meaningless and futile existence where there is unlimited potential to suffer endlessly.

In my case I see suicide as rational as it's the way to find peace from the burden of existing as a human, I only wish for eternal nothingness where all is forgotten about, existence itself truly is the ultimate problem and is nothing more than an unnecessary harm.

For me suicide is suffering prevention and the way to find safety from suffering, in fact it comforts me to think of not existing for all eternity, all I wish for is this existence to disappear into nothingness.

When did you realize this?

 

[julietelsewhere]

I'm a burnt-out former gifted kid with BPD and it makes my life exhausting. Plus I haven't recovered from my abusive ex and I feel like he's always haunting me or something. I don't think I'll ever be happy since this and the other stuff I've gone through sticks with you forever, and I don't want that forever to be as long as people say it's supposed to. I was told that I deserve a long and happy life one time, but I know I'll never get that, and it's upsetting. Though the person who said that was one of the pro-lifer type people, so it's very biased I think.

 

[spring vainglory]

Oh my, I really feel for u. What you've gone through is really not easy...

It really sucks when the switch is suddenly flipped in u, and it sucks how you feel torn between life and death.

You're fantasizing about ending it all yet clinging to life and wishing there was a way out of this, only to realize how much effort it takes to rebuild and fix this shit.

And the effort here is not the usual effort a regular person must endure, you feel like somehow the universe just told you FUCK YOU and cursed you with a load of problems that add a lot of burden rendering everything you have to do in life (from work to chores to self care) must harder than it should be, especially since you DID experience what it means to be fully functional before and suddenly you're not anymore.

YES!! thank you for that, i feel held. you truly understand exactly what its like.

i bought a ticket to ctb last month because everything was just too unbearable, then spent time with my boyfriend because i wanted to see him one last time. i didnt want to die feeling such agony and knew that being with him would make me feel better. but being with him felt too good to want to die. it would mean i wouldnt be able to see him ever again.
i didnt want to feel this torment of being torn between wanting to die and wanting to stay with him, so i threw away my ticket deciding that loving him would be my purpose for life. i give up all of those big dreams for now because they're only causing me pain. now there is only him. i want to be able to love him in the way he deserves. he has a tragic upbringing, even worse than mine but somehow he's found a will to live all on his own. i want to make it worth it for him. i want to grow up into someone who can make him feel held, i want to bring him to understand what true love feels like. i want to repay him for everything he does for me.
so if he ever gets tired of being with me and leaves, that's when its time for me to go.

and honestly, it's been working so far. my meltdowns arent as frequent. of course the agony comes back sometimes but it isnt as intense. though now it's almost exclusively triggered by not hearing from him frequently enough in a particular span of time, where it used to be from outside sources too. we're ldr and he's an extremely busy person, so hearing from him even a little is extremely impactful to my day.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I resonate with what everyone says.

I have felt this way since childhood but have been a good little girl and always stayed alive for someone else. But now, I am a ghost. I'm no longer living. Unemployed with little chance of working and savings being destroyed, no relationship, no friends (thanks, autism and ADHD). I don't want to be around with climate collapse. I just don't see a path forward. I hope I can find a peaceful ending.

I run around doing errands and also come on here and feel that is real - all the job searches, or rice dinner, or music... all of it is not enough any more. I have lived decades more than I should, and have gone through too much trauma including witnessing death and having multiple partners emotionally and physically abuse me. I feel haunted and cursed. There's so much I wanted too do, even a a few acquaintances I would have loved to catch up with, but it's beyond too late.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Lots and lots of guilt and shame. If I tried harder in school I could of been something great. If I treated my friends nicer I could of been happier. If I treated my mental illness maybe I wouldn't get urges to CTB to begin with. Every day I'm doing the same job over and over and it's numbing.

The only thing stopping me is that these guilty feelings go away before I have the ability to act on it, otherwise I'd be gone long ago.

 

[undesirednlazy]

honestly, capitalism
im expected to labor for my life. Im expected to live a specific way. im expected to apply myself to such an apathetic system in order to even continue living. there should be no barriers for food shelter and physical community. but i dont have the freedom to weightlessly go through life, i have too much pressure to even try to learn what the fuck i am all because i need to live a specific way or im a drag on this system and everyone else who is born into it.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Extreme low self esteem (which is fair), fucked up mental health, self hatred, loneliness

 

[brokeandbroken]

I was in medical school following my dream of being a doctor. I was essentially bullied out of the school and the university was committing crimes including forcing me out despite paying my dues and being in good academic standing. You would think I could get help. People would see the work I put into if nothing else getting there etc... Ultimately, nobody has said Ill help get justice for you. In the nearly two years since. I have found myself homeless and hopeless. "Family" doesn't care. I can't get hired anywhere even just an interview. My life is basically over.

 

[Hollowman]

My brain's damaged and I suck at life.

 

[wondering&wandering]

For any pro lifers on here I'm actually more interested in your response to the question on why you want to live?

Hey there, Mi,

I don't think it's as black and white as your question seems to make it. I don't only want to die, and I don't only want to live. I want to die, yet I want to live, but I want to die, etc. Let me tell you why:

I want to live because that's how it started and because it's natural and the SI in me and society and family pushing those thoughts into me, etc. It's natural.

But then I want to die because of all the suffering in life. For me, it's the mental suffering (for the most part, I don't have anything physically wrong with me, nor chronic pain; one example: I inherited my dad's bad back, but that's not enough for me to ctb). The mental anguish that rips around in my mind due to loneliness, regret, being bullied, being toxic myself, hating myself, being ignored, not having a partner, and the overall failures that I've produced is enough for me to want to ctb. I'm a worthless human being who craves recognition though I know I don't deserve it. I hate it. I hate myself so much I'm sure to ctb at some point.

However, I again contemplate living as it can be enjoyable. Compared to the rest of the world, I've spawned in fairly well. I love watching anime, listening to music, and even trying to write my own music and stories (although I've been nothing but a procrastinator and failure in that department).

And so again, I contemplate ctb. I'm faceless—worthless—in the eyes of the universe and those around me. An NPC, a background character in someones else's fairy tale. It's be easier to stop treading water and just drown, but it's hard.

Life is hard. Death perhaps harder.

 

[deathwithdignity98]

Death must be easy because life is hard.