Story Why do you want to CTB?

[hxppythxught]

I feel like not a lot of people ask this, so i wanted to, feel free to use this place as a spot to vent about anything involving the reasons you want to CTB, it can be big or small, a reason is a reason and you won't be judged for it here.

Me personally, i want to CTB because i think theres no hope for me, I've tried everything i could to get better and i think after trying so much and not getting any progress the SN method is the best for me at this point.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Born the wrong sex, I feel nothing but jealousy looking at women who are attractive/average looking and I don't want to grow old.

 

[DukeDestroyer]

Born into a body that makes people treat me as if I'm retarded. In other words being a high functioning autistic individual that can not mask or pass as a NT for the life of me. So when people interact with me they usually come to the conclusion that I'm retarded. My autism was late onset, meaning that my autism didn't become active until I was 12. Before that my life was better than it is now. Now I'm so mentally and emotionally fucked from the treatment of people that it proves to a be a curse. Plus I have reoccurring GI Tract problems because of my autism.

Once I had diarrhea for a year straight. Some years I have constant nausea for at least six months straight. The autism wasn't diagnosed until I was 30. So 18 years of autism wreaking havoc on my life and ultimately future really screwed me over.

 

[RichardFirst]

I'm simply tired of living. I've wasted the opportunities that life brought to me, and I don't have the energy to continue on a journey for which I have no passion.

 

[nifii]

I've tried a lot of things to get better and i did. However some of the damage can't be undone and i just don't wanna live with that type of damage in my body. It's arrogant of me to not wanna live with issues i guess but i don't wanna let go of my arrogance lol. Stupid reason but yeah. Nothing left to blame but me

 

[Mr Myemna]

I don't think there needs be a reason, i understand there might be motivations, but a specific reason? i'm not sure
I think it's just a dekibrate choice, one based on the assesement of one's condition and options, and judges if it is worth continuing based on how they value the aforementioned

 

[hxppythxught]

I don't think there needs be a reason, i understand there might be motivations, but a specific reason? i'm not sure
I think it's just a dekibrate choice, one based on the assesement of one's condition and options, and judges if it is worth continuing based on how they value the aforementioned

I just mean everyone has their own reasons for wanting to CTB, I didn't mean to offend anyone if i did.
(As i said, any reason is valid)

I more so think if everyone had a perfectly good life and was happy they wouldn't want to CTB, but theres a reason people aren't happy, causing them to want to CTB if that makes sense..i made this thread for people who wanted to state their frustrations or wanted to vent.

 

[fayth2567]

Bipolar mental illness mixed with constant suicidal thoughts

 

[Mr Myemna]

I just mean everyone has their own reasons for wanting to CTB, I didn't mean to offend anyone if i did.
(As i said, any reason is valid)

I more so think if everyone had a perfectly good life and was happy they wouldn't want to CTB, but theres a reason people aren't happy, causing them to want to CTB if that makes sense..i made this thread for people who wanted to state their frustrations or wanted to vent.

ok i gotchu,
if you'd wanna learn more about my stance on why people are currently unhappy you can go here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/some-thoughts-about-life-as-it-currently-stands.109163/

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I'm tired of living and I don't want to put in the effort to live, but I also don't want other people to bear the burden of trying to help me.

 

[ElfenLied]

Since I was a child I didn't like to live, I always thought life was boring, but when everything in your life goes wrong you just start to not care about life anymore, my whole life I was always treated like garbage, growing up in a broken family and being bullied during high school caused me to grow up with several emotional problems, and So many bad things have happened to me that I just gave up on living, I'm tired of suffering in this life, I've been alone my whole life, I don't want to worry about anything or anyone anymore, I just want to disappear from this world.

 

[hxppythxught]

Since I was a child I didn't like to live, I always thought life was boring, but when everything in your life goes wrong you just start to not care about life anymore, my whole life I was always treated like garbage, growing up in a broken family and being bullied during high school caused me to grow up with several emotional problems, and So many bad things have happened to me that I just gave up on living, I'm tired of suffering in this life, I've been alone my whole life, I don't want to worry about anything or anyone anymore, I just want to disappear from this world.

I hope you find peace soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I wish to die as I despise existing in this horrific world and such a thing as useless as existing could never possibly be worth it for me. I've never wished to be here and life is simply not for me in any way. I don't see the appeal to suffering, ageing and deteriorating and it comforts me the thought of being able to permanently not exist. I see existence as being a burden, it's harmful to exist in this world where chance cruelly determines everything with no limit as to how much we can be tortured. For me, my thoughts of suicide are just the natural response to being aware of the fact that I exist, and I believe that suicide would be ideal for me as it would solve what I see as being the true problem which is life itself.

 

[girlsboysthems]

My hatred for this world and the fact that I had to be the miserable fuck that was born on that tragic day that is my birthday, also in regards to mental illness I did everything humanly possible (meds, diff types of therapy, tried shrooms, ket and I'm just going to try microdosing mdma at this point) and there is nothing left that can help me. And I also just can't stand my day to day life and as I always say I want to live/die for me and not for others.

 

[OlderMaleGB]

I'm just so done here.

 

[Depresso]

I've blew up every chance of me to improve my life. I constantly chase fantasies that I deep down know will never happen and put all my weight on the will of others. I also feel like I have felt every part of the human experience like happiness, sadness, disappointment, and love to it's deepest core. I'm just bored with everything now. Like their isn't much else for me to do on this planet.

 

[Zilkes]

Being born the wrong gender and not having any real ambitions in life. Literally just surviving and trying to graduate high school for no real reason besides because I have to. Future sucks and there's no real point so why don't I just yk x~x

 

[sleepydreamer]

Being born the wrong gender and not having any real ambitions in life. Literally just surviving and trying to graduate high school for no real reason besides because I have to. Future sucks and there's no real point so why don't I just yk x~x

damn, i've thought about that i was somewhat lucky that i was in complete denial about being trans during school cause it already was a nightmare surviving it, but if i knew i was trans on top of all that...
i too was going through hs just because i had to (and because i gave myself a deadline of a few years before i really try doing myself in) but i ALSO lucked out in finding kind people that i could call friends, they were good to me and distracted me from my thoughts. maybe i've had it good enough to have hope left, but even if you've really lost all hope i think there still are things to do before ending everything. i constantly regret not having had more fun when i was younger. i will admit having fun on your own isn't easy but you can still try making the best of your life while you still have it. hell, if you just shamelessly and selfishly have fun (without hurting other!) there's a big chance you'll attract people, possible friends, that might make your life easier to bear. either way anything you wanna try you might as well give it a shot while you can, regardless of whether you plan to end your life or not. alas, i say all this in big parts because i still don't live my life to the fullest, so obviously i can't blame you if you can't bring yourself to do all the crazy shit you want (although i strongly suggest to push yourself to try and enjoy whatever you can, while you can). sorry for the possibly unwanted "advice", i just felt like sharing my view as someone that also was suicidal in hs and graduated only a few years ago. stay safe <33

 

[mafuyu]

I'd end up writing an entire book if I described it, lol.

Life isn't fair.

That's a good summary.

 

[wanttodie]

I want to CTB because sick my life. and living don't want live any more

 

[suwuicidal]

I have been traumatized, Have a personality disorder, dropped out of school, and have no friends.

 

[card1nal]

I just feel like I'm destined for nothing. If we were in a world where I could just do what makes me happy without worrying about money or having to deal with my mental health issues, I think I could go on. Unfortunately, our world as it is now is very cold and unforgiving. I just don't think I can handle being in a world that is being actively drained of its color.

Also, I hate the idea of not being able to control my death. If I do not ctb by my own hand, I could die in a gruesome and excruciatingly painful way. Pain scares me. I could also die at any moment. What if I die in front of someone I love? I guess I couldn't feel guilty about it in the afterlife, but thinking about it now makes my skin crawl. I'd much rather die on my own time and by my own hand. Makes death feel so much more comforting.

 

[itsoktobewrong]

BPD, OCD, and the general feeling of malaise that has shrouded my life. It's sucks enough to be depressed and shit, but the ocd just makes me think about killing myself damn near all the time lol

 

[FishGoingInsane]

I can't stand myself at this point. For the past 6 years of my life, nothing has changed.
For those 6 years, everytime I went anywhere new, I would have hope that I could make friends.
Every day of high school, every day of college, there would be a constant sense of hope that something would change and I would make a lifelong friend that truly understands me (this is extremely selfish, I have really just been setting myself up for disappointment), but that day never came.

In fact, I ended up losing the few friends that I still had from my middle school days since I'm a selfish person who wanted my friends to only spend time with me because I couldn't fit in with their friend groups. It's because of that that I personally decided to cut myself off from them, so that they could be happier and not have to worry about me.

I am now completely alone, with no reason to continue living. Momentary happiness isn't enough for me anymore. Distractions only last as long as you're consuming them. I can't even look forward to food or entertainment anymore because the food that brings me pleasure makes me fat and is unhealthy, the music that I enjoy is viewed with judgement by everyone around me, and because "Video games are for children, you should be a real adult and spend all your free time at work/school".

I don't look forward to a future that I'll more than likely spend working and struggling to survive. Why would I want to live a life where I work all day for 50+ years, with minimal free time? That is a cycle of living that I desperately don't want to be a part of.

The only thing stopping me is my parents because I know that despite me being a failure, a disappointment, and a freak of a child, my parents would still mourn my death simply because they made me. I believe that will feel more at peace and be able to CTB once I at least pay them back for all the money they've spent on me throughout their lives.

"I've given up on any kind of hope that's left for me"

Thank you for this opportunity to vent.