why do you think that you crave self-destruction? (especially people who do it for fun)

[anathemaa]

Mine started as a way of torturing myself in the belief that I didn't deserve anything good and needed to be tormented. However, at this time, it is mostly for fun and as a habit. I do not long for it because I am thinking of ending things and my mind is at ease. No racing thoughts of self-hatred are in sight.

 

[unnormal9]

I don't fucking know. I need something to scratch the itchy pain.

 

[spooky_kxtty]

For a long time I've felt this empty void in my chest that's so vast and crippling that I can't properly feel emotions or experience love. I have completely lost my sense of self and feel emotionless most of the time and while being numb can be appealing to some people, having dealt with being empty to this degree for so long has left me craving to feel something; anything. When I finally feel something I cling onto that feeling and dwell in it. Emotional pain is addictive for me and I try to make myself feel it for fun because it's the easiest to feel so I'm naturally drawn to self destructive behavior due to this. Also my severe abandonment issues tend to lead me to be irrational when I feel like someone's about to leave or someone I care about doesn't care like I thought they did I get really self destructive and manipulative.

It has gotten slightly better recently though and have recently felt my first positive emotion for the first time in as long as I can remember, and the other night I was able to break down to the point where I could physically feel pain from my emotional turmoil; I remember both wanting to feel that and also despising it and wanting it to end at the same time.

 

[borderline-feline]

Feelings of emptiness drive me to impulsive behavior that ends up hurting me. It's not so much that I crave self-destruction necessarily; I just want to not feel emptiness and pain.

 

[cherrysquick]

got addicted to the adrenaline rush it gives me, sometimes emptiness is just too much
also as a way of punishing myself i guess? not for anything in particular (although relapses happen because of that too obviously) but just torturing myself because i think i'm a bad person who deserves to suffer for no apparent reason
i also find myself unable to get better because as soon as scars fade i get triggered, sometimes i do it just for the sake of having more scars and therefore "being more valid" (not true at all obviously but my brain convinces me it works that way for me)

 

[chococat]

I think I self-destruct because I was neglected and abused as a child. I was taught that I am a worthless piece of shit so I treat myself accordingly.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I only do this sometimes when I've made a mistake or said something that hurt someone else. I beat myself up over that shit and torture myself emotionally until I nearly go crazy because of it. The very idea of "self love" isn't even in my vocabulary, unless I want to eat something delicious that I know will ruin my health (or drink it, as in the case of alcohol and certain suicide methods).

I don't do it for fun though. I'm just a mess.

 

[charlotte_]

For me, it's because of the bottled up emotional baggage I carry. I find it extremely hard to open up to others, because I have trust issues. Even if my trust is gained, I still feel ashamed of my own emotions. Therefore, the only way I could release these emotions is to put the damage on myself. Besides, I like to see the bruises, marks and blood it gave me. It makes me feel a sense of achievement I suppose? I can't really tell why I feel that way, but I only feel proud of myself when I'm forcing my body to do something against its will.

 

[Chaotic_Trash]

I personally feel like it's the rush i get after. You know when everything settles and I'm left with what I've done the high of being in control is personally my favorite part. It doesn't even have to be serious self destruction simply making myself cry makes me a little happy .

I just think I crave someone to control me then when I lack that I do it myself. But yk it is what it is. It's not that serious anyway. I think humans just crave destruction and when they can't find an outlet they do it to themselves.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I think I self-destruct because I was neglected and abused as a child. I was taught that I am a worthless piece of shit so I treat myself accordingly.

this is how it started for me, too.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Because I was abused as a child and my DNA was thusly programmed to self checkout

 

[leftdreaming]

Yes.

It's crazy to think that other people don't have mental illnesses and want to be alive, it's so foreign to me. In the same way I struggle to wrap my head around those who don't crave self-destruction or don't self-destruct in the first place.

 

[ikilog]

Same thoughts actually, idk i just got tired to tell myself that everything is ok and stuff will get better i just got tired of fighting and just let it go by flow, and now it's just a routine kinda that help to hold me up until end of day

 

[uguufo]

I suspect most of it is due to childhood trauma and abuse. Other parts just really hate me and want to see me suffer.