Supersadmommy90
Student
- Sep 24, 2019
- 186
I know I come here because this is the only place where I know everyone already knows, how bad this feels.
I
I
I came to find out about methods and to meet someone like me, but to die is easier than find someone.
LavenderMemories
Wandering to the bus stop
- Jan 14, 2020
- 25
I wanted to find a place where I can express the real thoughts in my mind without consequence. To find people that I can confide in and that understand what I am going through. I have no one in my real life that I would ever be able to speak to about these things. If I did, I would be whisked off to a hospital so fast my head would spin.
I haven't made any friendships on this forum yet, but I hope to.
Honestly, there probably is some truth to looking for emotional intensity. My mental health has caused to push everyone away for so long. Everyone. Family, friends, coworkers.. you name it. I usually enjoy being alone. I enjoy the quiet and solitude. But part of me does want to find a friend that I can spill my unfiltered thoughts to in these few months leading up to my time to ctb.
I haven't made any friendships on this forum yet, but I hope to.
Honestly, there probably is some truth to looking for emotional intensity. My mental health has caused to push everyone away for so long. Everyone. Family, friends, coworkers.. you name it. I usually enjoy being alone. I enjoy the quiet and solitude. But part of me does want to find a friend that I can spill my unfiltered thoughts to in these few months leading up to my time to ctb.
mattwitt
# 978
- Jun 28, 2018
- 2,307
It's literally the one and only place on planet earth where I can express certain thoughts and feelings that I have to other human beings and not worry about being judged, condemned or regretting for doing so. And as a super bonus some people on here even show me love, kindness, gentleness, sympathy and support that I don't deserve and that I do not get irl.
you might not get it, but you do deserve it
I havent been suicidal since last summer but I get a lot of comfort knowing that others on here have experienced something I was never able to share with anybody else, even my closest family members and partner. It gives me comfort and it allows me to be myself.
Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
I wish I could say that I had a plan when I joined, but it was simply out of desperation. I really want to die and I really want to live. It feels as if my life situation is cemented, but there's at least a hypothetical possibility that it could change. My mind is in disarray and I don't know if I'll make an impulsive attempt tomorrow or a well thought through attempt three years from now. I believe many members of this forum are in a similar state of chaos, and they come here looking for different things, be it methods, determination, relief, friends, or a will to live. I can see nothing wrong with any of these things. I don't get much support, because I don't ask for it and I don't think I need it, but I would never condemn anyone for desiring and seeking it. Whatever floats your boat.
mathieu
Enlightened
- Jun 5, 2019
- 1,090
I come here for knowledge and companionship. I can't openly discuss my plans anywhere else.
Defenestrator
Experienced
- Jan 17, 2020
- 257
You sound like me. I'm one of those fence sitters the OP appears to be eluding to though, but if I do go it probably will be sudden and I'll likely not have a goodbye thread. I just really really want to go sometimes, the suicide thoughts are always there I think it's just the propensity to act them out is more sporadic and impulsive. If I go it will likely be from partial suspension hanging, I've been umming and aahing about buying SN for a few days now...
Where else can I say all of that without being censored? That is why some of us are here.
Out of habit, mostly.
Sometimes there is an interesting thread to read through or a new method worth considering.
Really though, most days there isn't a whole lot of things here that interest me. A majority of users on here seem to have mental illnesses, which I don't have, and those are the people that post the most (rhyme!), perhaps as a way to cope or something, and as such I find it hard to empathize with the userbase.
I have everything I need and I have researched everything that I need, really. I don't really need to come here but I choose to.
Sometimes there is an interesting thread to read through or a new method worth considering.
Really though, most days there isn't a whole lot of things here that interest me. A majority of users on here seem to have mental illnesses, which I don't have, and those are the people that post the most (rhyme!), perhaps as a way to cope or something, and as such I find it hard to empathize with the userbase.
I have everything I need and I have researched everything that I need, really. I don't really need to come here but I choose to.
BabyYoda
F*ck this sh!t I'm out
- Dec 30, 2019
- 552
Actually.........
I found this site while looking for help for my suicidal thoughts. I can't really explain well, but I was really relieved to know that I can remove the guilt when considering suicide as an option. Because what if nothing else worked?
Actually, I wouldn't get suicidal thoughts if I was loved for who I am by a man. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. But this is also why I won't CTB till I graduate and travel. I'm giving life unlimited chances throughout my college life. That is more than enough already. When everything's over, I'll do it.
I found this site while looking for help for my suicidal thoughts. I can't really explain well, but I was really relieved to know that I can remove the guilt when considering suicide as an option. Because what if nothing else worked?
Actually, I wouldn't get suicidal thoughts if I was loved for who I am by a man. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. But this is also why I won't CTB till I graduate and travel. I'm giving life unlimited chances throughout my college life. That is more than enough already. When everything's over, I'll do it.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
@nitrogen and all who read this thread....
What I have been seeking to and am beginning to understand is that when we engage in dialogue, we increasingly reveal our character -- our behaviors, our beliefs, and our values. These are the things with which we engage from our own character, not another's character itself, but what it reveals.
Our engagement and response reveals ourselves to others in return. We each ultimately use all of these revelations to influence and to reject or accept others -- and ourselves. It is the reciprocal nature of being a social animal.
By creating and engaging in dialogues, we invite revelations of who will resonate with us and who will not. I observe there are those who resonated with @nitrogen, and she and they may be motivated to pursue opportunities to explore the potential for opportunities she seeks in a community.
A challenge in life is figuring out what value we get from engaging with someone, and whether it's worth pursing more engagement.
Is the other a person who reinforces and values our own values and aspirations? Do we want to pursue more of that?
Do we perhaps find reinforcement of our values, beliefs and aspirations by arguing against and negating those of the people with which we disagree, perhaps in negating them? Do we get value from pursing more of that? Is there a cost to ourselves or others in doing so? Can benefits arise in spite of the costs? To the last I say, always, but there is a need to evaluate if the costs mount to the point of detriment. One benefit of pursuing engagement may be that it reveals what we really seek so that opportunities for attaining it may suddenly emerge from the dissipating fog.
@nitrogen, you and I are in the same community here. I cannot provide what you seek, but the dialogue has revealed there are others who potentially can. You cannot provide what I seek, but in revealing my character in a variety of posts, others with complementary aspirations have been drawn to follow or PM me. I am so satisfied that my willingness to vulnerably reveal myself has garnered such results and rewards.
What you wish for yourself is what is important to you, and having created dialogues in recent days, I see that your desires can also be satisfied. That is the beautiful potential of communication and community, which makes SS so resonant for many that they defended it in response to your challenge, your criticisms, and the revelations of your desires.
Thank you for having created the opportunity I found in this thread to address and enhance the understanding I seek about: recognizing others' character; recognizing and developing my own character; what value I get from engaging; and determining the value of pursing further engagement or disengaging.
While the opportunity I found was not your implicit intention, it was one result. That reflects how every action has powerful potential beyond our intentions -- the kinetic energy contained in the initial energetic effort. I benefitted from your action, and I acknowledge you with respect and gratitude for creating an opportunity for me to grow. May you find the opportunities you desire as well; I sincerely hope that your effort here created such opportunities for you, and dissipated fog to reveal what is available to address what you seek.
What is valuable in me recognizes what is valuable in you.
EDIT: Oops!!!!! I have edited the post to reflect I was addressing @nitrogen. I wrote the draft offline and did not check to verify her name. Perhaps a freudian slip, reflective of me, not the OP! I recognize neuroses more readily than nitrogen. Thank you, @SinisterKid for making me aware!
What I have been seeking to and am beginning to understand is that when we engage in dialogue, we increasingly reveal our character -- our behaviors, our beliefs, and our values. These are the things with which we engage from our own character, not another's character itself, but what it reveals.
Our engagement and response reveals ourselves to others in return. We each ultimately use all of these revelations to influence and to reject or accept others -- and ourselves. It is the reciprocal nature of being a social animal.
By creating and engaging in dialogues, we invite revelations of who will resonate with us and who will not. I observe there are those who resonated with @nitrogen, and she and they may be motivated to pursue opportunities to explore the potential for opportunities she seeks in a community.
A challenge in life is figuring out what value we get from engaging with someone, and whether it's worth pursing more engagement.
Is the other a person who reinforces and values our own values and aspirations? Do we want to pursue more of that?
Do we perhaps find reinforcement of our values, beliefs and aspirations by arguing against and negating those of the people with which we disagree, perhaps in negating them? Do we get value from pursing more of that? Is there a cost to ourselves or others in doing so? Can benefits arise in spite of the costs? To the last I say, always, but there is a need to evaluate if the costs mount to the point of detriment. One benefit of pursuing engagement may be that it reveals what we really seek so that opportunities for attaining it may suddenly emerge from the dissipating fog.
@nitrogen, you and I are in the same community here. I cannot provide what you seek, but the dialogue has revealed there are others who potentially can. You cannot provide what I seek, but in revealing my character in a variety of posts, others with complementary aspirations have been drawn to follow or PM me. I am so satisfied that my willingness to vulnerably reveal myself has garnered such results and rewards.
What you wish for yourself is what is important to you, and having created dialogues in recent days, I see that your desires can also be satisfied. That is the beautiful potential of communication and community, which makes SS so resonant for many that they defended it in response to your challenge, your criticisms, and the revelations of your desires.
Thank you for having created the opportunity I found in this thread to address and enhance the understanding I seek about: recognizing others' character; recognizing and developing my own character; what value I get from engaging; and determining the value of pursing further engagement or disengaging.
While the opportunity I found was not your implicit intention, it was one result. That reflects how every action has powerful potential beyond our intentions -- the kinetic energy contained in the initial energetic effort. I benefitted from your action, and I acknowledge you with respect and gratitude for creating an opportunity for me to grow. May you find the opportunities you desire as well; I sincerely hope that your effort here created such opportunities for you, and dissipated fog to reveal what is available to address what you seek.
What is valuable in me recognizes what is valuable in you.
EDIT: Oops!!!!! I have edited the post to reflect I was addressing @nitrogen. I wrote the draft offline and did not check to verify her name. Perhaps a freudian slip, reflective of me, not the OP! I recognize neuroses more readily than nitrogen. Thank you, @SinisterKid for making me aware!
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lovemelovemenot
what's the use...?
- Jun 22, 2019
- 81
Weirdly enough I don't actually remember how I found this site, but I remember after finding it I was instantly addicted. Before I made an account I would spend lots of time reading about others thoughts and feelings, methods, goodbye threads ect. I finally found people that I could relate to, that understood what it was like to be in this type of mindset. It was refreshing. I ended up making an account and have been here since. I guess it provides that sense of community so many people long for, and although I haven't really made any friends here it's nice to be involved.
nitrogen
Schrödinger's cat
- Nov 5, 2019
- 339
There's a distinction between what people need and what they want. Quite often, what they want is not what they need. It's safe to say, almost everyone wants or even craves acknowledgment and validation of their feelings, thoughts, values, and beliefs - this site provides plenty of that.
For those who're set on ctb, it doesn't matter the "love" and attention they receive close to their last moments are cheap. In fact, I think the more they receive, the better, whatever makes their last moments feel less alone. Cheap doesn't mean fake, cheap is better than none, and cheap sentiments can add up to something powerful. The recently deceased member, Mooncide, is a quintessential example of this.
For some others who seek emotional growth, guidance on improving their life situations, or simply soul-searching, receiving too much blind "support", cheap "love" and validation of their existing thought patterns can further enhance their distorted self-image rather than refining it. Some people ended up in their current predicaments exactly due to their thought patterns being destructive and they've been trapped in their own headspace. They might find honest advice or opinions judgmental, harsh, or cold because they feel threatened, they don't like their ego being nudged.
Another thing I've noticed is that people have very different definitions of love. I personally only love 3 people in my life. I admire and adore many SS members, but I love none. Love to @jgm63 , on the other hand, seems to be synonymous with just kindness and empathy. In addition, @ctbUniquectb made a good point that peer support and a hug box aren't synonymous. The problem is, some people don't recognize the differences; the lines can be blurry.
My intention of starting this thread is to make the second group of people mentioned above at least be mindful of this potentially negative but highly addictive aspect of this site.
You write high quality and thoughtful stuff. Thanks for picking my brain.
For those who're set on ctb, it doesn't matter the "love" and attention they receive close to their last moments are cheap. In fact, I think the more they receive, the better, whatever makes their last moments feel less alone. Cheap doesn't mean fake, cheap is better than none, and cheap sentiments can add up to something powerful. The recently deceased member, Mooncide, is a quintessential example of this.
For some others who seek emotional growth, guidance on improving their life situations, or simply soul-searching, receiving too much blind "support", cheap "love" and validation of their existing thought patterns can further enhance their distorted self-image rather than refining it. Some people ended up in their current predicaments exactly due to their thought patterns being destructive and they've been trapped in their own headspace. They might find honest advice or opinions judgmental, harsh, or cold because they feel threatened, they don't like their ego being nudged.
Another thing I've noticed is that people have very different definitions of love. I personally only love 3 people in my life. I admire and adore many SS members, but I love none. Love to @jgm63 , on the other hand, seems to be synonymous with just kindness and empathy. In addition, @ctbUniquectb made a good point that peer support and a hug box aren't synonymous. The problem is, some people don't recognize the differences; the lines can be blurry.
My intention of starting this thread is to make the second group of people mentioned above at least be mindful of this potentially negative but highly addictive aspect of this site.
I'd say most people, myself included, are inclined to engage with people who share similar aspirations and values, and negate those with whom we disagree. However, I recognize this tendency being harmful to my self-growth, so I have to constantly remind myself to step out of the walls I build around my ego and reflect upon the different views others present to me.
You write high quality and thoughtful stuff. Thanks for picking my brain.
In response: this post of mine is no longer a detail since it's a different line of discussion
The word love and especially the phrase "I love you," at least in English as used in the States is often abused to the point of not meaning its definition. I'm generally not one to not employ the assertion fallacy. However, I'm unwilling to defend this point because those who grasp what I'm saying need nothing further. On the other hand, I'm not going to be able to make the sell to others. Google "you love me like you love fish" for a type of explanation.
That paragraph is minimally about catching the bus and no one who knows me in real life considers me a cold man. However, full disclosure, while I've had my heart broken somewhat several times, I've only had feelings once and it wasn't until I was 32. Fullest disclosure, I accept autism might be to blame. I'm not going to scream "normies just don't get it," but hope for reciprocal understanding.
I'm not in support of unrequited love. I hold that accusing another of it is a profound insult, while having it is creepy - reference "500 days of summer." In closing, note the YouTube video "in support of short term love" for evidence but modern conceptions of romance are a mid 1800s marketing ploy.
EndItQuickly
Member
- Oct 30, 2019
- 88
I first came here to get more info on my preferred method. Lately, I've been reading other's experiences and gaining some perspective on my situation. This site has actually helped steer me away from my ctb, at least for now.
trouble
Member
- Jan 5, 2020
- 44
Mainly, to find information. I've found that there's a lot of information on here I couldn't find elsewhere — everyone's so open about it here, which is something I really like. (Something different than those "oh, you wanna ctb? haha no dont,,, here's a prevention hotline" sites, giving no valuable information for me.)
And also, I find the forums in general quite interesting — what others think, people pouring their hearts out, their perfect scenarious regarding ctb, goodbye threads, recovery, etc. It feels.. human, kind of. Like everyone's going through hardships, like I'm not the only one making decisions like these.
It's truly a safe place for people, I've noticed that. And it's something I really appreciate.
Something I also noticed is the kindness of everyone here, like you guys are so incredibly nice and supporting of every decision.
It's kind of a weird feeling, to be honest. It's my first time finding a site like this; but it gifted me greatly with things that'll help me when I gather enough courage.
And also, I find the forums in general quite interesting — what others think, people pouring their hearts out, their perfect scenarious regarding ctb, goodbye threads, recovery, etc. It feels.. human, kind of. Like everyone's going through hardships, like I'm not the only one making decisions like these.
It's truly a safe place for people, I've noticed that. And it's something I really appreciate.
Something I also noticed is the kindness of everyone here, like you guys are so incredibly nice and supporting of every decision.
It's kind of a weird feeling, to be honest. It's my first time finding a site like this; but it gifted me greatly with things that'll help me when I gather enough courage.
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
I don't know. Why am I even answering? It doesn't seem like anything's worth doing
porfin1234
Arcanist
- Dec 26, 2019
- 476
Learn about the realities of death and methods , slowly preparing so I have the option, express my SI with like minded people so I can not talk to friends or fam about it anymore, get a different perspective on life by reading other stories. Show support for others.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I value that you stated your intention.
Well-stated. Nice to see when others also challenge themselves, and work with the challenges presented by engaging with different views.
This thread has definitely been one such exercise for me and I'm glad I participated.
Thank you. Likewise. And likewise.
And thank you for the
react to my post before I made the name correction! (If embarrassment could kill, I'd consider just making a huge ass of myself and get it over with.)
UpandDownPrincess
Elementalist
- Dec 31, 2019
- 833
I first came to get updates on my old method. Turns out pretty much nobody does that anymore, so I started reading.
I registered to help answer a question about bipolar disorder that wasn't getting a lot of responses.
I've stayed since then because talking about it seems to release some of the pressure I feel to CTB. Ironic, but that's been my experience.
I also know that if I am truly, truly ready, nothing will stop me. The last time I felt that way, I was sectioned for my own protection.
I registered to help answer a question about bipolar disorder that wasn't getting a lot of responses.
I've stayed since then because talking about it seems to release some of the pressure I feel to CTB. Ironic, but that's been my experience.
I also know that if I am truly, truly ready, nothing will stop me. The last time I felt that way, I was sectioned for my own protection.
Throwmyselfaway
Not gone yet but soon
- Jan 14, 2020
- 798
Last week I was extremely close to ctb. I was looking stuff up online and some how in my searching I came across ss. I lurked for 2 days just reading more and more. Not just the methods but everything. I haven't seen this amount of love and compassion in so long. I decided to join to talk and get more info. I feel much better talking to people on here then anywhere. It's nice to be able to communicate with like minded individuals no matter what happens for all of us. Ps- I love you all
AnnonyBox
Specialist
- Apr 11, 2018
- 334
RestingGirl23
Member
- Nov 2, 2019
- 55
I came here initially because I wanted to know how to ctb and I thought everyone would tell me to go ahead and do it.
Surprisingly, no one told me to go ahead and die and I stayed because of the support that I got from other users. Sometimes, it's just nice to be able to talk about suicide openly without being afraid that someone it's going to call the cops on you and take you to a mental ward.
I'm not planning on ctb in the foreseeable future, but I do have my moments where I break down mentally. This site brings me comfort in knowing that I will always have that option if I so choose.
Surprisingly, no one told me to go ahead and die and I stayed because of the support that I got from other users. Sometimes, it's just nice to be able to talk about suicide openly without being afraid that someone it's going to call the cops on you and take you to a mental ward.
I'm not planning on ctb in the foreseeable future, but I do have my moments where I break down mentally. This site brings me comfort in knowing that I will always have that option if I so choose.
MysticPerception
I'm back and I'll still smile for you
- Dec 31, 2019
- 1,252
I originally lurked here for methods. I was mostly fixated on hanging to the point where this place convinced me to finally buy a rope to end it all and it's actually right next to me right now. It's not seen any use haha. After lurking for a while longer I found out about SN and started viewing people's threads actually discussing dying and their feelings and such. After doing that for months and having a particularly bad day and realizing I had no one to talk to it about or share my feelings or experiences with at all because all roads lead back to suicide I decided to make an account here. Having been surrounded by like minded people has made me feel much more at ease with my suicidal tendencies. I mean I already was, I already take comfort in the idea of me being dead but it made me feel like I'm not 100% crazy for thinking about it daily. I told doctors in the past about, here you have minor depression take these pills. They offered me therapy as well but I turned it down thinking I'd rather not. I never even bothered to take the pills and just sort of recovered on my own. That didn't last very long. Then some years later actually last year in fact I told my mother I wanted to kill myself. Big mistake, I've already covered this in past posts but she just gave me platitudes and tried to pass me off onto someone else because she said she didn't have the answers. She also told me she would lose the will to live if I die and guilt tripped me hard. It took all of my courage to tell her and that's what I got, nothing. Anger, disappointment, more sadness and a feeling of crushing loneliness knowing no one else would ever understand. I was wrong because after finding this place and lurking for quite some time I realized I'm not alone. Of course I know there are other suicidal people out there but to be so open about it that you can speak about it whenever you feel like and no one will just outright dump on you for it is amazing. This place has helped me find my preferred method and has helped me be myself and be open more than I've ever been allowed to be in the past. I don't wear a mask in public, but I still can't just outright state that I want to kill myself tonight hey maybe I'll actually do it and stop being a worthless coward! They would look at me like I'm crazy, or avoid me, or ask if I'm okay or whatever. They don't actually want to help, they don't actually care. I don't need that at all. I come here for the people who understand and don't just run away at the first sign of suicidal tendencies. Also everyone here is very nice and I've made some friends along the way. I don't care about receiving compliments or whatever I just want to be myself and if people like me for being me than that's just a nice added bonus in the end.
Soul
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
- Apr 12, 2019
- 4,704
I found the forum by searching for details about a particular method, and stayed because it feels good to be able to talk freely about suicide. I found some posters sympatico. I found I'm fairly good about repeating answers to the same questions without expressing impatience, and the place needs a few of those around. And I want to practice compassion. I have to dig deep in myself sometimes to come up with something meaningful to say.
I spent a few days reading the forums but felt like I was kind of eavesdropping so I joined for a couple of reasons - 1) I wanted it to be known that I was here even though I'm unlikely to participate in many discussions and 2) because I want to be sure of the best method to ctb.
I see how much support is offered by members and think that's great for those who need it. Seems that most of you are lovely people and I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.
I see how much support is offered by members and think that's great for those who need it. Seems that most of you are lovely people and I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.
BPD Barbie
Visionary
- Dec 1, 2019
- 2,361
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