Why do we have to hide??

[LostHope556]

It's bullshit, I just received my SN and I'm really excited. Finally, I have agency over my own life!

Finally, I control how much life fucks me over. I call the shots now. Life is something I'm opting in everyday now instead of something I have to do.

This is an amazing thing, this is a basic human right if you ask me.

So why in the flying fuck do I have to hide this win from everybody I know? How come they can't just be fucking happy for me? I know if I tell my girl she's going to freak the fuck out, I know if I tell my good friend he's going to get all fucked up and weird.

I mean Jesus, if I told them about actually having SN, they would probably come and try to fucking confiscate it or some bullshit like that.

It's super fucking selfish. If I want to go, be happy for me, I'm going to end my own suffering. I'm taking agency over my own goddamn life. Why the fuck can't anybody be just happy for me?

Why does it have to be seen as some sort of dark terrible thing? Maybe it's the right path! Maybe this is what taking control looks like!

So now I have to hide it like I'm hiding a porn collection or something. Why do I have to be ashamed of it? Why can't it be celebrated like any other win would be?

I have probably nobody in my everyday life who I could actually celebrate this with and that pisses me the hell off.

Thanks for coming to my pro suicide TED talk lmao

 

[agarthacel]

It's bullshit, I just received my SN and I'm really excited. Finally, I have agency over my own life!

Finally, I control how much life fucks me over. I call the shots now. Life is something I'm opting in everyday now instead of something I have to do.

This is an amazing thing, this is a basic human right if you ask me.

So why in the flying fuck do I have to hide this win from everybody I know? How come they can't just be fucking happy for me? I know if I tell my girl she's going to freak the fuck out, I know if I tell my good friend he's going to get all fucked up and weird.

I mean Jesus, if I told them about actually having SN, they would probably come and try to fucking confiscate it or some bullshit like that.

It's super fucking selfish. If I want to go, be happy for me, I'm going to end my own suffering. I'm taking agency over my own goddamn life. Why the fuck can't anybody be just happy for me?

Why does it have to be seen as some sort of dark terrible thing? Maybe it's the right path! Maybe this is what taking control looks like!

So now I have to hide it like I'm hiding a porn collection or something. Why do I have to be ashamed of it? Why can't it be celebrated like any other win would be?

I have probably nobody in my everyday life who I could actually celebrate this with and that pisses me the hell off.

Thanks for coming to my pro suicide TED talk lmao

i celebrate it for you

It's bullshit, I just received my SN and I'm really excited. Finally, I have agency over my own life!

Finally, I control how much life fucks me over. I call the shots now. Life is something I'm opting in everyday now instead of something I have to do.

This is an amazing thing, this is a basic human right if you ask me.

So why in the flying fuck do I have to hide this win from everybody I know? How come they can't just be fucking happy for me? I know if I tell my girl she's going to freak the fuck out, I know if I tell my good friend he's going to get all fucked up and weird.

I mean Jesus, if I told them about actually having SN, they would probably come and try to fucking confiscate it or some bullshit like that.

It's super fucking selfish. If I want to go, be happy for me, I'm going to end my own suffering. I'm taking agency over my own goddamn life. Why the fuck can't anybody be just happy for me?

Why does it have to be seen as some sort of dark terrible thing? Maybe it's the right path! Maybe this is what taking control looks like!

So now I have to hide it like I'm hiding a porn collection or something. Why do I have to be ashamed of it? Why can't it be celebrated like any other win would be?

I have probably nobody in my everyday life who I could actually celebrate this with and that pisses me the hell off.

Thanks for coming to my pro suicide TED talk lmao

whats your sn protocol btw help a brother out

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm personally happy for you! I'm smiling behind my keyboard because I know you're happy, excited, probably scared and anxious too! I think we all should have the autonomy to decide when we are ready to go. Unfortunately, society, and their rules says we can't, so we live our lives quietly in private until our last day! And if we fail to do it right, they will have the audacity to say stupid stuff like, if he/she only came to me I would have helped, I didn't know it was that bad and blah blahBut, I'll let you enjoy your moment! I hope you get the desired outcome you are wanting! Best wishes my friend

 

[LostHope556]

i celebrate it for you

whats your sn protocol btw help a brother out

Thank you! I really appreciate it!

To be honest I'm still working on the protocol itself. I'm thinking something with heavy antiemetics and probably benzos like Xanax or Clonazepam, just because they're really easily accessible where I'm at, I still have to look into the antiemetics I can get my hands on.
Luckily where I'm at the system's pretty fucked so I can write myself fake prescriptions for the pharmacies

Way different than in the US lmaoo

But yeah, I don't have a protocol set up quite yet, it'll be something I work on more as/ if I get closer.

But the main ingredient is there. I could take the SN right now if I wanted to and then just take like 60 mg of Clonazepam. Down it with a shot of whiskey, and probably be just fine.

All the rest is fine tuning imo. Especially since my metabolism is incredibly high so if I ingest 5 to 10 g of SN, even if I end up vomiting, enough of it should get into my bloodstream before I vomited it up for me to CTB effectively.

I mean hell, I get psychoactive effects of most drugs within like one or two minutes so I guess I'm kind of blessed with a fast acting metabolism.

I wish I had something more polished to share, but I think there's a lot of resources here of people who have worked way harder on their escape plan. Cheers!

I'm personally happy for you! I'm smiling behind my keyboard because I know you're happy, excited, probably scared and anxious too! I think we all should have the autonomy to decide when we are ready to go. Unfortunately, society, and their rules says we can't, so we live our lives quietly in private until our last day! And if we fail to do it right, they will have the audacity to say stupid stuff like, if he/she only came to me I would have helped, I didn't know it was that bad and blah blahBut, I'll let you enjoy your moment! I hope you get the desired outcome you are wanting! Best wishes my friend

Thank you! The smiling behind the keyboard part makes me actually smile behind my phone screen

And I know, right? If you fail to do it right they have the audacity to say the dumbest shit lmaoo

I'm honestly not actively wanting to CTB, I just want to have a nice backup plan.

Like, I'm still actually going to work on my business today, see if I can make some progress, but now I know that if my business fails and the life I want is not accessible to me, I have another path that's 100% accessible to me right here in my drawer.

I'm going to be just fine either way. I'm not stuck in a hell hole of a life if I can't build my dream.

That was my biggest fear before, that If I can't build a business that makes me happy, (because I cannot do the 9 to 5 bullshit, it makes me want to kill myself way more than anything else ever did lol), I still have something that will end the suffering very effectively with minimal suffering if I do it right, which I will, if it comes to it of course.

Especially being someone who's experienced SA early in my life and a whole bunch of horrible traumatic shit, having some actual real tangible God damn agency over my own existence is so incredibly empowering I can't even describe it.

And that SN in my drawer is 100% mine. I have 100% agency over it. Hell, I have a whole fucking kilo of it. I can end myself 100x over if I want to

And nobody gets to tell me what to do. Nobody gets to get in my way, nobody gets control over that. The way I live my life or don't is 100% in my own hands.

So thank you so very much for being happy for me and celebrating with me. I really really really appreciate it

 

[Griever]

 

[Diceroller90]

Here is my take. What we suffer is a disease. There is something missing in our lives that we cannot live without. Whether that be a memory free of regrets, the ability to feel pleasure, companionship, a healthy body, everyone is different. Suicide is how we die of this disease. I do not fault someone who died of cancer. I do not think they are weak or selfish or evil. They were sick, they fought, they lost. I mourn them, treasure the experiences we had, cry that we will lack more, and try to take solace that they are not in pain. In no way do I ever, ever, ever celebrate they died.

If someone I know is sick, I am going to fight tooth and nail to help them. Do they need chicken noodle soup? I am going to be a home cook for them, make it from scratch. Do they need a ride to the doctor? I got them! Do they need help with medical bills? Mi dinero es tu dinero. Does a doctor not know how to heal them? I will help you find another. Why? Because I love them, and want them to live.

We all talk about the magic button. You know the one I am talking about. Its the button where if we press it we die instantly. No pain, no SI, just a flick of a switch. On Earth one moment, in St. Peter's queue the next.

I like to believe there is another button. One that when you press it all the reasons you want to die go away. One where I feel happy when I wake up. One where I do not have the voice in my head telling me that I am worthless. One where I have to stop trying to think up arguments to try and convince my subconscious that no, my negative self-image is wrong like I am trying to defend my doctoral thesis! One where I can just be the person I want to be.

If those two buttons were side by side, how many of us would press the Die button over the Heal button? I try to find that button every day for myself. Most days I believe I can find it, sometimes I relapse give up all hope, and come back here after half a decade. Now I don't particularly like myself and I am willing to do that for me. Why wouldn't I give the same effort to someone I care about? Especially when I know it can get better. I was never healed. But there were days if not a fortnite where I didn't think about ending my life outside of intrusive thoughts I could beat down with a metaphorical 2x4. Where I could just carry the burdens and regrets I had. Live with the ghosts around me and even find some happiness.

That is why if I was dating you, or I was your friend, I would not celebrate you buying SN. Unlike them I would understand why and believe you should have the legal right to choose, but I cannot be happy that someone I love is going to die. Be it euthanasia from cancer, depression, or the black plague. Truth be told, I am not happy right now that you want to die. I understand the pain since I have gone through it before (as recently as yesterday) and maybe one day I can accept, but I am just not the kind of guy who will bring out the pom-poms to cheer.

 

[LostHope556]

Here is my take. What we suffer is a disease. There is something missing in our lives that we cannot live without. Whether that be a memory free of regrets, the ability to feel pleasure, companionship, a healthy body, everyone is different. Suicide is how we die of this disease. I do not fault someone who died of cancer. I do not think they are weak or selfish or evil. They were sick, they fought, they lost. I mourn them, treasure the experiences we had, cry that we will lack more, and try to take solace that they are not in pain. In no way do I ever, ever, ever celebrate they died.

If someone I know is sick, I am going to fight tooth and nail to help them. Do they need chicken noodle soup? I am going to be a home cook for them, make it from scratch. Do they need a ride to the doctor? I got them! Do they need help with medical bills? Mi dinero es tu dinero. Does a doctor not know how to heal them? I will help you find another. Why? Because I love them, and want them to live.

We all talk about the magic button. You know the one I am talking about. Its the button where if we press it we die instantly. No pain, no SI, just a flick of a switch. On Earth one moment, in St. Peter's queue the next.

I like to believe there is another button. One that when you press it all the reasons you want to die go away. One where I feel happy when I wake up. One where I do not have the voice in my head telling me that I am worthless. One where I have to stop trying to think up arguments to try and convince my subconscious that no, my negative self-image is wrong like I am trying to defend my doctoral thesis! One where I can just be the person I want to be.

If those two buttons were side by side, how many of us would press the Die button over the Heal button? I try to find that button every day for myself. Most days I believe I can find it, sometimes I relapse give up all hope, and come back here after half a decade. Now I don't particularly like myself and I am willing to do that for me. Why wouldn't I give the same effort to someone I care about? Especially when I know it can get better. I was never healed. But there were days if not a fortnite where I didn't think about ending my life outside of intrusive thoughts I could beat down with a metaphorical 2x4. Where I could just carry the burdens and regrets I had. Live with the ghosts around me and even find some happiness.

That is why if I was dating you, or I was your friend, I would not celebrate you buying SN. Unlike them I would understand why and believe you should have the legal right to choose, but I cannot be happy that someone I love is going to die. Be it euthanasia from cancer, depression, or the black plague. Truth be told, I am not happy right now that you want to die. I understand the pain since I have gone through it before (as recently as yesterday) and maybe one day I can accept, but I am just not the kind of guy who will bring out the pom-poms to cheer.

Yeah that's really fair, and I appreciate you saying this.

It's just unfortunately sometimes illnesses are fatal, like you said. Terminal. And just like cancer, maybe you can make it slightly less shitty, maybe you can do chemo and get a little better, but is it really worth it? Especially if you've been doing it for 15 years plus constantly?

What if you don't have access to the kind of doctors who can help? What if you can't get the help you need? What if the help you need would require you to be extremely wealthy, which you are not?

I have friends I could ask for money, and if I did, they might even give it to me. And maybe with that money I could get help. But would it really heal me? Do I want to be a burden on the people I care about?

And the bigger question, how big of a burden am I already on the people I care about?

I don't have active plans to CTB yet, but I'm sure as fuck happy to physically now possess the very real option to when and if I am ready.

I do appreciate your words. For me, I think it's more a function of personal power. Escape from humiliation. Agency. Than anything else

 

[Novaaa]

I don't hide it. My psychiatrist, my therapist and some friends know what I want to do.
I don't care what they think.

 

[derekWest]

It's bullshit, I just received my SN and I'm really excited. Finally, I have agency over my own life!

Finally, I control how much life fucks me over. I call the shots now. Life is something I'm opting in everyday now instead of something I have to do.

This is an amazing thing, this is a basic human right if you ask me.

So why in the flying fuck do I have to hide this win from everybody I know? How come they can't just be fucking happy for me? I know if I tell my girl she's going to freak the fuck out, I know if I tell my good friend he's going to get all fucked up and weird.

I mean Jesus, if I told them about actually having SN, they would probably come and try to fucking confiscate it or some bullshit like that.

It's super fucking selfish. If I want to go, be happy for me, I'm going to end my own suffering. I'm taking agency over my own goddamn life. Why the fuck can't anybody be just happy for me?

Why does it have to be seen as some sort of dark terrible thing? Maybe it's the right path! Maybe this is what taking control looks like!

So now I have to hide it like I'm hiding a porn collection or something. Why do I have to be ashamed of it? Why can't it be celebrated like any other win would be?

I have probably nobody in my everyday life who I could actually celebrate this with and that pisses me the hell off.

Thanks for coming to my pro suicide TED talk lmao

My theory is that a human isn't self sufficient. We are what we are by the body we possess but also by all the relations we have with another's humans.
Rather than simply be a alone block, we are a kind of network.

So, from this systemic point of view, it is logic that when somebody die, in some way, a part of all humans that were connected to the dead human also die.

I think this way of thinking allow to understand why suicide is "de facto" criminalize, and in many societies and for almost everytime. Because, it hurts... But, I think there is a progress with acceptation euthanasia more and more. But it is in a very restrictive cases (always visible as big physical health problem or very old ageing).

Also, I think that we are in societies that not able (or don't want) to think about the finitudes of things and irreversible things. So, we don't have the courage to accept the death and that some people can have enough of the live.

What do you think about my opinion ?
.
For me the real challenge might be how ctb without hurt anybody.

 

[curiouscvnt]

Here is my take. What we suffer is a disease. There is something missing in our lives that we cannot live without. Whether that be a memory free of regrets, the ability to feel pleasure, companionship, a healthy body, everyone is different. Suicide is how we die of this disease. I do not fault someone who died of cancer. I do not think they are weak or selfish or evil. They were sick, they fought, they lost. I mourn them, treasure the experiences we had, cry that we will lack more, and try to take solace that they are not in pain. In no way do I ever, ever, ever celebrate they died.

If someone I know is sick, I am going to fight tooth and nail to help them. Do they need chicken noodle soup? I am going to be a home cook for them, make it from scratch. Do they need a ride to the doctor? I got them! Do they need help with medical bills? Mi dinero es tu dinero. Does a doctor not know how to heal them? I will help you find another. Why? Because I love them, and want them to live.

We all talk about the magic button. You know the one I am talking about. Its the button where if we press it we die instantly. No pain, no SI, just a flick of a switch. On Earth one moment, in St. Peter's queue the next.

I like to believe there is another button. One that when you press it all the reasons you want to die go away. One where I feel happy when I wake up. One where I do not have the voice in my head telling me that I am worthless. One where I have to stop trying to think up arguments to try and convince my subconscious that no, my negative self-image is wrong like I am trying to defend my doctoral thesis! One where I can just be the person I want to be.

If those two buttons were side by side, how many of us would press the Die button over the Heal button? I try to find that button every day for myself. Most days I believe I can find it, sometimes I relapse give up all hope, and come back here after half a decade. Now I don't particularly like myself and I am willing to do that for me. Why wouldn't I give the same effort to someone I care about? Especially when I know it can get better. I was never healed. But there were days if not a fortnite where I didn't think about ending my life outside of intrusive thoughts I could beat down with a metaphorical 2x4. Where I could just carry the burdens and regrets I had. Live with the ghosts around me and even find some happiness.

That is why if I was dating you, or I was your friend, I would not celebrate you buying SN. Unlike them I would understand why and believe you should have the legal right to choose, but I cannot be happy that someone I love is going to die. Be it euthanasia from cancer, depression, or the black plague. Truth be told, I am not happy right now that you want to die. I understand the pain since I have gone through it before (as recently as yesterday) and maybe one day I can accept, but I am just not the kind of guy who will bring out the pom-poms to cheer.

Thank you for your response to this thread; I think you bring up very thought-provoking and valid points.
I think about how relieving it might feel to tell loved ones about my own suicidality and planning, but this also unfortunately/infuriatingly brings numerous issues and pain, such that it's definitely not the move to do so if i want to retain my autonomy and respect from my loved ones in life.

I wonder what you might think with regard to: How, then, might one go about helping their loved ones process that there is nothing that they can do to help the individual, their loved one, to decide to find something to heal or to heal from whatever is motivating the desire to die? Do you reject the idea that I've expressed here entirely?

Curious to hear any thoughts you might have on this--OP, too.

 

[Diceroller90]

Thank you for your response to this thread; I think you bring up very thought-provoking and valid points.
I think about how relieving it might feel to tell loved ones about my own suicidality and planning, but this also unfortunately/infuriatingly brings numerous issues and pain, such that it's definitely not the move to do so if i want to retain my autonomy and respect of my loved ones in life.

I wonder what you might think with regard to: How, then, might one go about helping their loved ones process that there is nothing that they can do to help the individual, their loved one, to decide to find something to heal or to heal from whatever is motivating the desire to die? Do you reject the idea that I've expressed here entirely?

Curious to hear any thoughts you might have on this--OP, too.

I was actually trying to answer that question from your perspective when I was writing a suicide note a week or so ago. Can't say I had too much success, but I was also extremely wasted.

Every person is different. Like for me, I am a fighter and a gambler which can make me both your best ally and worst enemy. I believe as long as you are alive there is a chance to do anything. (Something I also apply to myself) Like, yeah, idea #987 failed miserably but Thomas Edison took 1,000 tries to make the light bulb before he got it right.

I am in the guy who is always in my loved ones corner, always brainstorming a fix to whatever problem. However as a (formerly?) suicidal person it is a giant pain in the ass. Like I could be passed out on painkillers, just wanting my suffering to end and I am fighting my brain that tells me "Well, I got an idea for you that might just work! And don't forget, you were just as miserable years ago and you managed to get past it for half a decade!" Paradoxically that is also the same fucking voice that when I want to live tells me to die so I just wish my mind made up my mind for once!!!!!

So with me you get someone who would shoulder your pain for you and fight an army to try and find that magic cure-all button. But that also means with me you will never live to hear me say the words "I give up. Do what you want." which is both a blessing and curse depending on how you view it. The only way I would ever say those words is if you literally tried everything, which no one has (not even me). Like I never tried being Amish. That is something on my list I made on contingencies to try if I relapse again. What is the suicide rate of the Amish? They have to be doing something right.

I don't know if that helps answer your question.