I tried to research about moments of ego death or dissociation... And i finally understand a very deep problem i have.
Yes, I do often feel like i don't know why i like something or what i want in life, not even what drives me forward... but while that drives some people into a peaceful life without personal worries...
For me that just makes me look for death and pain. I don't feel "enlightened" when my ego dies, I feel like i gravitate towards my own destruction that way. It's instinctual, a part of me really wants to be abused. And when everything else inside me gets turned off, this is all that remains. Either i self harm, or complete overlook abuse towards me, letting people hurt me.
Is this... natural? Is this what I should be doing? Why am i so comfortable around pain to the point i start desiring it? That makes it really hard to fight my suicidal tendencies if i see myself dying as... natural, something good.
It feels like i was made to serve as biomass in necromorph outbreak, or to be absorbed by cell, if you know what I mean. Just a mass of flesh. The act of giving my life would feel... purposeful. I actually fantasize i would feel at peace and in ectasy before i die, like i did something fulfilling.
Yes, I do often feel like i don't know why i like something or what i want in life, not even what drives me forward... but while that drives some people into a peaceful life without personal worries...
For me that just makes me look for death and pain. I don't feel "enlightened" when my ego dies, I feel like i gravitate towards my own destruction that way. It's instinctual, a part of me really wants to be abused. And when everything else inside me gets turned off, this is all that remains. Either i self harm, or complete overlook abuse towards me, letting people hurt me.
Is this... natural? Is this what I should be doing? Why am i so comfortable around pain to the point i start desiring it? That makes it really hard to fight my suicidal tendencies if i see myself dying as... natural, something good.
It feels like i was made to serve as biomass in necromorph outbreak, or to be absorbed by cell, if you know what I mean. Just a mass of flesh. The act of giving my life would feel... purposeful. I actually fantasize i would feel at peace and in ectasy before i die, like i did something fulfilling.
