Discussion Why do I suddenly feel "better" whenever close to ctb?

[sharpiemarker]

Idk if this is relatable, but I feel miserable for weeks at a time and when I get close to CTB (close like right about to do it)I suddenly feel "better" and stuff that I cried about and deeply hurt me doesn't matter anymore. I almost get cured of being suicidal for a span of an hour or so. Then it always comes back and I regret I didn't CTB. This also happens to me with other stuff in life, anytime I had a shitty week and it's time for theraphy I suddenly feel "good" and nothing matters anymore.

Wtf? How do I stop this?

 

[derpyderpins]

At least part of the desire to ctb almost always comes from feeling trapped. (self plug)

• I am trapped in this job - I can't get a better one and it's miserable. But I have to stay here so I can pay my bills.
• I am trapped in with this illness/disorder (physical or mental) - and I can never get away. It will always ruin everything.
• I am trapped in this relationship / with these "friends" / with my family - no one else would ever love / understand / listen to me like they do, even if they are toxic and/or hurt me.
• I am trapped in this body - I'm not smart enough or good looking enough, so I have no opportunity.
• I am trapped in this mind - I am too anxious and will always mess up any opportunities.
• I am trapped in this world - the way things are, by default, is bad, and I'm powerless to affect it.
• I am trapped in this house - I am dependent on people and could never provide for myself (or I "won't" for whatever reason).
• I am trapped in this room - the outside world is frightening, and people may hurt me. I don't like them. I don't want to be near them.
• I am trapped in this existence - no one will let me ctb.

It's why I find pro-life absolutism and our mental health emergency system to be so offensive. By taking ctb off the table and telling someone it is not an option, you are re-enforcing this feeling of being trapped.

So, for you, when you choose to ctb, my guess is you're basically opening the cage. Ctb will free you from whatever is making you feel trapped. So, you decide to ctb, the feeling that motivated you to ctb is - by default - eliminated, because you've chosen a path that eliminates the concern.

It is difficult. Survival instinct is incredibly hard to overcome, and this is one of many reasons.

 

[ebg]

I think it's because you finally feel like all your problems will be gone and that CTB is the ultimate solace.

 

[HopeToStay]

Because if feel your life is close to ending, the bad circumstances that led you to wanting to CTB no longer matter.

 

[coffeebeany]

Probably survival instinct when your life is close to end. Like someone said before this sense of self-preservation seems to be very hard to overcome (dealing with it myself). I don't know about your life but in my case it doesn't help that I still have a loving partner and loving friends (I'm living together with my best friend). Whenever I am close to CTB it makes it even harder. Maybe this is also a factor for you?

 

[sharpiemarker]

Probably survival instinct when your life is close to end. Like someone said before this sense of self-preservation seems to be very hard to overcome (dealing with it myself). I don't know about your life but in my case it doesn't help that I still have a loving partner and loving friends (I'm living together with my best friend). Whenever I am close to CTB it makes it even harder. Maybe this is also a factor for you?

I have people around me but I feel very alone. I don't have a partner or family and my friends definetely like me but I feel very abandoned with most of them. I honestly lost all my reasons similar to this, but I still kinda can't "pull the trigger" yk? This is the case, I don't even have many reasons to stay at this point, but I just suddenly feel better or cling to very (imo) pathetic reasons.. like: I want to cook something or I want to watch something or there is a holiday. I would say these are a real problem for me because there will not be a time in life where I will loose these things (movies to watch etc.) because it will always be available in one way or another. Then after I watch the film, or make the food or whatever I understand it didn't make me happy or fullfilled and I just wasted time so I think about CBT, but then AGAIN I feel "better" and then worse again and again... the cycle continues

 

[Reflection]

This happens to me as well, but with a catch. It seems that whenever I get comfortable with CTB I feel better, like you said this makes it so that nothing that is hurting me matters anymore, yet after getting lost in this "relief' for a few moments remembering that the reason why I'm relieved involves killing myself gives me this sense of dread, which then becomes worse when I remember what's causing me this in the first place...and the cycle continues.

 

[sevennn]

At least part of the desire to ctb almost always comes from feeling trapped. (self plug)

• I am trapped in this job - I can't get a better one and it's miserable. But I have to stay here so I can pay my bills.
• I am trapped in with this illness/disorder (physical or mental) - and I can never get away. It will always ruin everything.
• I am trapped in this relationship / with these "friends" / with my family - no one else would ever love / understand / listen to me like they do, even if they are toxic and/or hurt me.
• I am trapped in this body - I'm not smart enough or good looking enough, so I have no opportunity.
• I am trapped in this mind - I am too anxious and will always mess up any opportunities.
• I am trapped in this world - the way things are, by default, is bad, and I'm powerless to affect it.
• I am trapped in this house - I am dependent on people and could never provide for myself (or I "won't" for whatever reason).
• I am trapped in this room - the outside world is frightening, and people may hurt me. I don't like them. I don't want to be near them.
• I am trapped in this existence - no one will let me ctb.

It's why I find pro-life absolutism and our mental health emergency system to be so offensive. By taking ctb off the table and telling someone it is not an option, you are re-enforcing this feeling of being trapped.

So, for you, when you choose to ctb, my guess is you're basically opening the cage. Ctb will free you from whatever is making you feel trapped. So, you decide to ctb, the feeling that motivated you to ctb is - by default - eliminated, because you've chosen a path that eliminates the concern.

It is difficult. Survival instinct is incredibly hard to overcome, and this is one of many reasons.

perfectly summed up

 

[coffeebeany]

I have people around me but I feel very alone. I don't have a partner or family and my friends definetely like me but I feel very abandoned with most of them. I honestly lost all my reasons similar to this, but I still kinda can't "pull the trigger" yk? This is the case, I don't even have many reasons to stay at this point, but I just suddenly feel better or cling to very (imo) pathetic reasons.. like: I want to cook something or I want to watch something or there is a holiday. I would say these are a real problem for me because there will not be a time in life where I will loose these things (movies to watch etc.) because it will always be available in one way or another. Then after I watch the film, or make the food or whatever I understand it didn't make me happy or fullfilled and I just wasted time so I think about CBT, but then AGAIN I feel "better" and then worse again and again... the cycle continuesyeah,

I completly understand. I suppose those of us who think of CBT have been dealing this in one way or another. I m no different. I do feel CBT is close but I have also things on my mind that I don't wish to miss like the scond season of a Netflix show. And it may be pathetic but I don't think it is. I believe life/death and for lack of a word this universe we re in is too complex for us to understand. How to grasp our own non-existence when living is all we know. And even after death the world goes on without us in it. Maybe these "pathetic reasons" are really part of our deepest urge to survive because we cannot comprehend something else. And that keeps us probably trapped in this cycle. It is so difficult. I wonder how it will be to reach the point of no return for real.