Venting Why do I still want to live despite how bad my future looks?

[Judah]

I don't understand it, even though I have no future or the will to keep fighting, I still have the will to stay alive, which I don't want, I don't desire and yet I don't know what to do about it

I don't even have control over myself sometimes and I tend to change my mind or mood very quickly

Alcohol and junk food are now a distraction for me, I have no idea what to do with my life and I can't even concentrate on the simplest things

I'm simply trapped, trapped in this body and in this existence, so I decided to take the path of self-destruction

 

[zekeyaeger]

This is pretty much me, yes. I guess it can be called survival instinct, an "irrational" hope to still have a better life.

 

[LastLoveSong]

for me i dont know if i would describe it as "still wanting to live" as much as its an innate psychological fear of dying without creating something significant first. even though i know i need to die as soon as possible my brain struggles to wrap its head around that thought. i use alcohol as well even though i dont really even like it that much, but its at least a different feeling than what i have to wake up to daily. Still, i essentially just live in constant paranoia and fear as to whats to come to the point that my body and brain virtually become useless, i dont wanna eat, i dont wanna brush my teeth or take care of myself or even think, and yet theres some primal part of my brain thats like "yes lets stay alive this is a good idea". Part of it could also be that im scared of being welfare checked if i order SN or anything else, but even then i havent even attempted other methods as much as i should, it sucks. i can literally feel myself being less intelligent than i used to be, but its gotten to the point where ive been mentally and physically tortured by both those around me and by myself for so long that im not even a corpse at this point, im just dust, useless dust that isnt anything more than a nuisance for humanity