Why do I seek to get better when I have a health problem while at the same time wanting to die?

[Ambivalent1]

It doesn't make sense.

 

[Dayrain]

Just an overlapping of events. That's very common.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Because very few people enjoy pain. You don't want to be in immediate pain- who would? So- it makes sense to want to recover from feeling ill. But it's maybe partly the fear of pain that puts you off CTB- potentially a greater amount of pain and possibly a VERY painful future if the attempt fails.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Because very few people enjoy pain. You don't want to be in immediate pain- who would? So- it makes sense to want to recover from feeling ill. But it's maybe partly the fear of pain that puts you off CTB- potentially a greater amount of pain and possibly a VERY painful future if the attempt fails.

And I suddenly don't want to die when a potentially serious health problem arises. But then I look at my life and don't see why i would want to live. I don't really enjoy much. I don't really like being around people. The world is run by stupid people and their decisions affect me. I should want to die unwaveringly.

 

[Forever Sleep]

And I suddenly don't want to die when a potentially serious health problem arises. But then I look at my life and don't see why i would want to live. I don't really enjoy much. I don't really like being around people. The world is run by stupid people and their decisions affect me. I should want to die unwaveringly.

Yeah- I do actually relate to this. I had gallstones a few years back and finally had my gall bladder removed. It was the first operation I'd had. Not like it was high risk or anything but of course- it is possible for things to go wrong. My parents were with me- bless them and I almost got tearful saying goodbye to my Dad before I went in. That confused the hell out of me. Like- I've had ideation for 33 years- why would I see death in surgery as being a bad thing? I partly realised that it was because at that point- I hadn't got my affairs in order. I only had a will that was maybe 20 years old (I was convinced I'd die young!) I think goodbye's in general are sad too maybe. Still yeah- it's confusing. I'm not convinced that in a freak life or death situation that fear wouldn't make me try to survive. That does tend to make you think- do I really want this? I guess that's SI though.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Yeah- I do actually relate to this. I had gallstones a few years back and finally had my gall bladder removed. It was the first operation I'd had. Not like it was high risk or anything but of course- it is possible for things to go wrong. My parents were with me- bless them and I almost got tearful saying goodbye to my Dad before I went in. That confused the hell out of me. Like- I've had ideation for 33 years- why would I see death in surgery as being a bad thing? I partly realised that it was because at that point- I hadn't got my affairs in order. I only had a will that was maybe 20 years old (I was convinced I'd die young!) I think goodbye's in general are sad too maybe. Still yeah- it's confusing. I'm not convinced that in a freak life or death situation that fear wouldn't make me try to survive. That does tend to make you think- do I really want this? I guess that's SI though.

Si is a demon. It uses our bodies as a means to keep existing. People think they are one with SI when it's just an aspect of their biology. I think the brain is compartmentalized. It's been determined that when you split the brain in half down the middle, consciousness splits and there then becomes 2 of you in a sense. It's not obvious to the individual but it's obvious to those who analyze the person after the surgery. Different motivations, different goals become glaringly obvious.

 

[thebookofdisquiet]

I do it because I hate doctors and don't want to risk going to the hospital or making my parents lose their time and money taking care of me + I'm a control freak, I want to die when I decide to and not because my body failed me.

 

[escapeplan12]

So when the time comes I can say I was trying up until the end

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i'd have to get healthy enough to do the method i really want (swiss option) to get some peace

 

[amibiagan]

I have a theory that one must die as natural as possible. Otherwise your consciousness will linger much longer in this world.

 

[TiredTurtle]

It's your SI working to keep you alive

 

[limerance1]

Because its not easy to kill oneself. So I look for ways to ease the suffering.

 

[Raindancer]

I think it's because we all have a tiny little bit of hope left, until we don't.

 

[scattymessyhuman]

It doesn't make sense.

I think it's natural human instinct to want to stay alive somewhat, regardless of how you feel.