Venting why do I have to do this by myself?

[737492]

The fact that I just can't have something else kill me quickly and without pain, that I have to go through with suicide, frustrates me.

I just want to die. Preferably in my sleep. But it's so hard to do it on my own, the only time I think I got closed to dying I freaked out and called an ambulance. It was several years ago, but I still regret it so much.

I hate the fact that my stupid survival instinct keeps me from killing myself. I hate that I'm biologically wired to be afraid of something that will only bring me peace. I want death, but my body makes me believe that I don't, that I should fight it.

I just want to be killed.

 

[charlie_z]

The instinctual biological drive to survive is also a massive hurdle for me. I hear you. If you ever need to chat, don't hesitate.

 

[trynacbt]

Using reverse psychology has helped me with this. Personally I feel as though if I continue living I will get to a certain age where my dependence on others will become extremely embarrassing (to some extent it already is). Furthermore there are basic life skills I'm avoiding atm that I will no longer be able to avoid, but also believe I am incapable of ever developing. For me, I see death as the only way to save myself. In some way suicide is my way to save my own life. It doesn't make any sense and yet this has become my only certainty.

 

[metalchic_74]

The fact that I just can't have something else kill me quickly and without pain, that I have to go through with suicide, frustrates me.

I just want to die. Preferably in my sleep. But it's so hard to do it on my own, the only time I think I got closed to dying I freaked out and called an ambulance. It was several years ago, but I still regret it so much.

I hate the fact that my stupid survival instinct keeps me from killing myself. I hate that I'm biologically wired to be afraid of something that will only bring me peace. I want death, but my body makes me believe that I don't, that I should fight it.

I just want to be killed.

Same I wish I could hire a contract killer to just shoot me in the head

 

[charlie_z]

In some way suicide is my way to save my own life. It doesn't make any sense and yet this has become my only certainty.

It makes perfect sense.

 

[mediocre]

That's my biggest wish if I could have anything - a peaceful death in my sleep

don't care about money, health, happiness or anything else..

 

[ninthhokage]

The fact that I just can't have something else kill me quickly and without pain, that I have to go through with suicide, frustrates me.

I just want to die. Preferably in my sleep. But it's so hard to do it on my own, the only time I think I got closed to dying I freaked out and called an ambulance. It was several years ago, but I still regret it so much.

I hate the fact that my stupid survival instinct keeps me from killing myself. I hate that I'm biologically wired to be afraid of something that will only bring me peace. I want death, but my body makes me believe that I don't, that I should fight it.

I just want to be killed.

I relate to this so much.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

The fact that I just can't have something else kill me quickly and without pain, that I have to go through with suicide, frustrates me.

This may be my single favorite statement on this or any other suicide-autonomy site. Yes x 10^9.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Which CTB method would you use?

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

For me, I see death as the only way to save myself. In some way suicide is my way to save my own life. It doesn't make any sense and yet this has become my only certainty.

This makes sense to me. Suicide is a way to preserve at least a little of the dignity and humanity I have left in me. Continuing to live like this for too long will kill even that last bit that's inside me.

 

[CrushedHopes]

This makes sense to me. Suicide is a way to preserve at least a little of the dignity and humanity I have left in me. Continuing to live like this for too long will kill even that last bit that's inside me.

Same. I'd rather not waste away the remainder of my pathetic life and just get it over with.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Same I wish I could hire a contract killer to just shoot me in the head

The amount of times I thought of going to Little Italy and getting some familial support is up there.

Knowing my luck I'd end up in a police sting with one really confused LEO.

"You're the guy who fixes things?"
"Who are you looking to fix?"
"Me."
""

 

[Partial-Elf]

I agree with the op 100%. It continues to frustrate me that society and law say "no death for you."

I guess if everyone had the ability to opt out then people would be harder to exploit and profit off of. The people in charge need worker bees to buy things, prop up the economy and do the undesirable jobs.

Much more advantageous for the people in charge for it to be as it is now... suicide stigmatized, hidden, and gruesome.

Maybe we'll get our wish once they figure out how to profit off of it. "That'll be $150k cash for the Nembutal and anti emetics as well as the use of our top tier facilities and medical care. Sorry, insurance doesn't cover this since it's an 'elective procedure.'" Even if they could charge that much for a humane death, they still stand to profit way more off of us throughout the course of our lives if we're below the age of 75 or 80.

One of the first things you'll read about suicide from a public policy standpoint is the "economic impact."

 

[DoNotLet2]

Relatable. That's one of the reasons I'm hoping not to kill myself - it's basically hard to murder yourself.
There is no logic in there? What does society have from an autistic young woman with little social skills? In the world that needs more and more social skills? Ehh money. Money is everything.

 

[737492]

Which CTB method would you use?

I was thinking of jumping from the top of my building, now I'm not so sure anymore

I'm still researching, but nearly everything seems impossible to actually go through

 

[737492]

It Doesn’t Get Better | The Walrus

The mentally ill deserve the right to die with dignity

thewalrus.ca

Found this interesting article on the subject