Why do i 'feel' this way? thoughts?

[samhelloall9]

This should really be a long, long post, but because who can really be bothered reading so much, I will try to condense it and stick to the points I'm wanting to make here. This is not a final post or anything.

I should've known my whole life, but I only realised a few years ago around 18 that I was 'different' from the others. Not sexually, maybe physically because I'm quite tall and lanky for my BMI. I know I like the opposite gender, but I know any relationship would be difficult and toxic, and I'm pretty self-centered since my whole life has just been me, myself and I. I daydream a lot to compensate, sometimes about nothing at all, sometimes wondering about the big picture in life and of life after if there is one.

I feel like I know why now, i must have either a number of things, either some form of autism or some form of personality disorder/bi-polar disorder or social inability. I do wish I could hold a normal conversation with people, but I can't, and when I do, I'm rigid in my topics but even I do get bored talking about the same things over and over. That being said, I just can't bring myself to tell myself whether I actually 'care' about what the other person is thinking or feeling, even if I could, you know?

I just wonder two things here: even though I'm not designed for community living, I probably would have made an excellent albeit forever isolated hunter-gatherer before societies existed as mutual benefit things.

You know, I start to believe that thing about left-handers: they're designed for combat, where as right-handers were designed for community living and helping others. Explains the fewer of one over the other, hunter-gatherers, etc. etc.

I'm probably just spewing stuff I don't understand or dribble I'm repeating, but does anyone else feel similarly and have you got any wisdom or answers?

Even experts cannot explain or agree (useless, sigh) why natural selection or selection would have allowed genes or people like me to still exist in modern society, I mean what good are loners and selfish loners at that who contribute nothing especially socially to society at large?

Thoughts?

 

[samhelloall9]

OP here: sometimes I wish I could be 'normal' like everyone else, especially socially, and have normal social skills and a normal life. Other times, I think, aren't I glad I can at least see the flaws in others that they see in me (friends and relationships can fracture easily, reputation is everything, easy come easy go in terms of status or social standing or health, natural instincts of selfishness before society days, you know?).

That's what I'm getting at. I'm torn between wishing I could've fitted in, but then being grateful I don't fit in, but yet I still want to fit in, you know? The loneliness, it's amazing, and not in a good or healthy way I would think. Still, I don't like to cause pain or harm to others, I'm sure no rational person does, so I would not want us to go back to selfish hunter-gather days.

Thoughts?