Why do I exist?

[-nobodyknows-]

I do not understand myself. The way that I am… it makes no sense to me. Why do I feel this way? This loneliness, this craving for connection. It is maddening. Why is it that someone useless, someone who can barely find the strength to put one foot in front of the other, continues to keep walking barefoot along a path covered in jagged glass?

I don't know why I am doing this to myself. It hurts so much. I get these random waves of sadness throughout the day that make me feel like crying. I get so cold, to the point that I start to shiver. It is happening more and more. I cannot stand it.

I want to say goodbye to everything. I want to die so much. I need this to end. Please make it end. If I am supposed to live, if there is a reason for me to continue existing in this world, then please give me a reason to do so. I'm begging you. Pleading with you. Can't you hear me? Why is my life this way? Why am I this way? What happened to me?

I don't understand any of it. None of it makes sense. Why do I exist? Why am in this position, where I have to either try to endure this horrible feeling, this feeling that is tearing me apart, or inflict pain onto others? I cannot even talk about it with anyone. It will hurt them if I do. I am covered in spines. I cannot get close to anyone without harming them. And yet, I crave that closeness. I desire it so much.

What a twisted existence this is. I don't want this. I never wanted this. No matter what I do to try and change things, no matter how elaborate my method acting, I cannot escape that feeling. It is a great whirlpool, one which will pull me to the bottom of the sea. I know how my life will end. I hate that ending. I hate that I am not strong enough to avert it.

I am desperately trying to hold on. I want a reason to live. But I am beginning to fear that the very thing that I have been desperately trying to find does not actually exist in this world. That it may be nothing more than a foolish dream.

One way or another, I must open my eyes, and accept my reality.

 

[Eternal Illusions]

I do not understand myself. The way that I am… it makes no sense to me. Why do I feel this way? This loneliness, this craving for connection. It is maddening. Why is it that someone useless, someone who can barely find the strength to put one foot in front of the other, continues to keep walking barefoot along a path covered in jagged glass?

I don't know why I am doing this to myself. It hurts so much. I get these random waves of sadness throughout the day that make me feel like crying. I get so cold, to the point that I start to shiver. It is happening more and more. I cannot stand it.

I want to say goodbye to everything. I want to die so much. I need this to end. Please make it end. If I am supposed to live, if there is a reason for me to continue existing in this world, then please give me a reason to do so. I'm begging you. Pleading with you. Can't you hear me? Why is my life this way? Why am I this way? What happened to me?

I don't understand any of it. None of it makes sense. Why do I exist? Why am in this position, where I have to either try to endure this horrible feeling, this feeling that is tearing me apart, or inflict pain onto others? I cannot even talk about it with anyone. It will hurt them if I do. I am covered in spines. I cannot get close to anyone without harming them. And yet, I crave that closeness. I desire it so much.

What a twisted existence this is. I don't want this. I never wanted this. No matter what I do to try and change things, no matter how elaborate my method acting, I cannot escape that feeling. It is a great whirlpool, one which will pull me to the bottom of the sea. I know how my life will end. I hate that ending. I hate that I am not strong enough to avert it.

I am desperately trying to hold on. I want a reason to live. But I am beginning to fear that the very thing that I have been desperately trying to find does not actually exist in this world. That it may be nothing more than a foolish dream.

One way or another, I must open my eyes, and accept my reality.

Have you tried medication yet?

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Have you tried medication yet?

Yes; I was in treatment for 9 years. Lots of different meds, lots of therapy, three hospitalizations, 11 months of ECT… I don't want to do any of that any more, especially considering that it didn't really help, so I decided to just say that I was feeling better to get off ECT and meds. I lied so well that my doctor even told me that I didn't need to go to therapy anymore. It took a couple of years, but it worked.

It's been about a year since then. I'm trying to do the best I can to live my life the way that I want for as long as I can. I really don't think I'll be able to find those things that matter the most to me, the sorts of things that I really need in my life, but that's okay. Even if it ends up killing me in the end, I'm happy that I can at least say that I made an effort to find them.

 

[OutcastsAlwaysMourn]

Philosophers have tackled this question for millennia now, I am of the opinion that there is no greater meaning to be had in any of this. We are biological machines that simply exist, the only constant for any life form is to survive, procreate, and continue.

As for loneliness? We are social creatures by design, we form into families, tribes, and clans because there is strength in numbers. It physically pains us to be alone because it's in our DNA to be. We have a drive to belong, and the issue comes from the fact we aren't simple life forms, we have complexity that doesn't exist anywhere else in the natural world as far as we know. In the modern world, we have complex thoughts layered on top of a brain that isn't far removed from what our ancestors had hundreds of thousands of years ago. I believe this is why the phenomenon of feeling lonely while being surrounded by people exists. Few people feel our struggles, few people understand us, so we do not have our 'tribe' — beyond these words on a computer screen, and that is a poor substitute.

I can't tell you why you are this way. Medical science tells us we are unwell, that our brains are wired wrong for countless possible reasons. The human mind and the formation of who we are is infinitely complex, and there are near infinite reasons why we ended up the way we are. This is why the chronically depressed often can't pinpoint 'why' they are upset, but there is a desire to point to one thing and say: "this is it."

And it also feels so inescapable.

I can't offer you meaning in life, it's something we all must find for ourselves. You can find meaning in the lack of meaning, which is part of the essence of nihilism. Some people find their meaning in religion.

 

[Eternal Illusions]

Yes; I was in treatment for 9 years. Lots of different meds, lots of therapy, three hospitalizations, 11 months of ECT… I don't want to do any of that any more, especially considering that it didn't really help, so I decided to just say that I was feeling better to get off ECT and meds. I lied so well that my doctor even told me that I didn't need to go to therapy anymore. It took a couple of years, but it worked.

It's been about a year since then. I'm trying to do the best I can to live my life the way that I want for as long as I can. I really don't think I'll be able to find those things that matter the most to me, the sorts of things that I really need in my life, but that's okay. Even if it ends up killing me in the end, I'm happy that I can at least say that I made an effort to find them.

Sorry to hear, but one more option would be ketamine. Ketamine is a medicalized psychedelic in the USA at least that has been shown to treat drug resistant depression. At the end of the day CTB is your choice, and I respect that.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Philosophers have tackled this question for millennia now, I am of the opinion that there is no greater meaning to be had in any of this. We are biological machines that simply exist, the only constant for any life form is to survive, procreate, and continue.

As for loneliness? We are social creatures by design, we form into families, tribes, and clans because there is strength in numbers. It physically pains us to be alone because it's in our DNA to be. We have a drive to belong, and the issue comes from the fact we aren't simple life forms, we have complexity that doesn't exist anywhere else in the natural world as far as we know. In the modern world, we have complex thoughts layered on top of a brain that isn't far removed from what our ancestors had hundreds of thousands of years ago. I believe this is why the phenomenon of feeling lonely while being surrounded by people exists. Few people feel our struggles, few people understand us, so we do not have our 'tribe' — beyond these words on a computer screen, and that is a poor substitute.

I can't tell you why you are this way. Medical science tells us we are unwell, that our brains are wired wrong for countless possible reasons. The human mind and the formation of who we are is infinitely complex, and there are near infinite reasons why we ended up the way we are. This is why the chronically depressed often can't pinpoint 'why' they are upset, but there is a desire to point to one thing and say: "this is it."

And it also feels so inescapable.

I can't offer you meaning in life, it's something we all must find for ourselves. You can find meaning in the lack of meaning, which is part of the essence of nihilism. Some people find their meaning in religion.

I agree with you said we are biological machines .

But imo a lot of what people think is in the DNA is taught to us especially from ages 0 to 7.

What did I or u know at 1 day old , 1 month old 1 year old? Almost nothing. Yeah we are born hungry thirsty an$ can feel unbearable pain so those are in the DNA. But I rejected a lot of their programming already : i don't want children and i don't want to live, i think nothing matters except avoiding unbearable pain and getting to non-existence asap, for example . when you realize how bad pain can be and that I'm only cells a brain I can start to see nothing matters