Venting why do I even try man

[kunikuzushi]

I made some huge steps to stop being so isolated because it's been killing me lately, but then I realized the reason I ended up isolated in the first place is because it's so painful for me to be around people. because of my stupid personality disorder that I've been trying to improve for years, I feel like I'm getting stabbed every time I'm not the center of attention in a group or if someone says one slightly negative thing about me or flat out rejects me (yes I know I'm disgusting). it's probably the main reason I want to kill myself. because I can't live my life isolated but I also can't stand the pain of being around people.

I'm so tired of this. It's been about 14 years that I've been suicidal. A few months ago I was completely ok with ending my life, but then I had to go and start thinking positively about life and got hobbies and stuff and now I'm scared again but I'm in so much pain. Thank you if you read this

 

[Huntfish34]

Thanks for sharing this, that's basically me in a nutshell. People being negative, rejection, ... I don't think it's disgusting but I fckn hate it all the same. It's been an extremely toxic and dark road to say the Least.

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say, but you are not alone. I understand.

Thoughts and prayers to you always-

 

[kunikuzushi]

Thanks for sharing this, that's basically me in a nutshell. People being negative, rejection, ... I don't think it's disgusting but I fckn hate it all the same. It's been an extremely toxic and dark road to say the Least.

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say, but you are not alone. I understand.

Thoughts and prayers to you always-

thanks it always feels a little better to know I'm not alone in this. but yeah I hate this so much and I'm sorry you're going through it too. I wish I could offer some advice, but I have absolutely none to give. I wish you the best

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel so tired being in that situation. There really does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this world and existing certainly can be so painful. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[Huntfish34]

For sure, and Thank you much. Most appreciated ♥

 

[locked*n*loaded]

We're program to try and to keep trying. It's survival instinct and it's ingrained in our DNA. Of course, it will only last so long, until all of our hope of getting better, of having a better life fades and gets extinguished.

 

[stermc]

I am sorry. I am in the same situation. I think I just have to accept what I decided years ago. There is no need to try anymore; not for me.

 

[kunikuzushi]

We're program to try and to keep trying. It's survival instinct and it's ingrained in our DNA. Of course, it will only last so long, until all of our hope of getting better, of having a better life fades and gets extinguished.

I miss the days where I had absolutely no hope. at least I knew I would be happy when I could finally die. now this is like torture. wanting to make friends and trying to make myself feel better? I don't even recognize myself. bring me back to when I had no hope of a better life

I understand why you would feel so tired being in that situation. There really does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this world and existing certainly can be so painful. But anyway, best wishes.

thank you very much. yes, I don't think there is any relief for us. best wishes to you too

I am sorry. I am in the same situation. I think I just have to accept what I decided years ago. There is no need to try anymore; not for me.

I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I'm stuck between wanting to try and giving up like I always have my whole life. I don't know why I'm suddenly wanting to try again but I don't like it. I don't know what's the right decision

 

[katagiri83]

Hey @kunikuzushi , even the acts of trying in & of itself is very admirable. The angst is very real & relatable too. Maybe give yourself time to see if it'll adjust, if situation allows that is.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Hey @kunikuzushi , even the acts of trying in & of itself is very admirable. The angst is very real & relatable too. Maybe give yourself time to see if it'll adjust, if situation allows that is.

thanks it means a lot. I'll give myself more time even though that's all I've been doing my whole life. but what else can I do

 

[DukeDestroyer]

What really bothers me about connecting to people, is the fact I got betrayed, backstabbed, used, abused, and deceived and thrown away so many times. Is that I will only talk to people only if I have to. I'd rather be alone than be with something that hurt me so much. I do not have a good perception of people. That is for the better, it shown me how humans really are. I HATE THEM!

It is a hatred that I never chose, it grew by itself.

 

[Freebird4567]

I've got bpd and get you on the whole isolating yourself and the small hope that's always there of 'maybe it can get better'
Im exhausted and done with hoping, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember but was diagnosed at 16, things did improve for awhile but as I predicted, things went downhill.
Ive made peace with the fact I'm never going to get the happy ending I craved.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

miss the days where I had absolutely no hope. at least I knew I would be happy when I could finally die. now this is like torture. wanting to make friends and trying to make myself feel better? I don't even recognize myself. bring me back to when I had no hope of a better life

All we can do is ride it out until either life does get better, or the last residuals of hope finally fades away.