Why did you s/h today?

[BandAddict]

I was trying to sleep and found myself stuck in random, upsetting scenarios, then I randomly remembered a time when my mom effectively picked her shitty boyfriend over me. I didn't exactly realize that at the time, but seeing it that way just fucked with my head. I couldn't stand it so I needed to ease the tension and punish myself to feel better. I relapsed this week after about half a year without, so I'm pretty dissapointed in myself.

For those of you who s/h, why did you engage with it today?

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

First of all, congratulations on a year and a half clean. Please try to not beat yourself up for relapsing, you're only human and relapses unfortunately happen.

Part of my reason today was because last night I guess I did more damage than I thought, oops. I've also been feeling really, really bad. Need to punish myself somehow.

*** just realized I somehow misread half a year as "a year and a half". Still, congrats.

 

[neitherherenorthere]

First of all, congratulations on a year and a half clean. Please try to not beat yourself up for relapsing, you're only human and relapses unfortunately happen.

I second this. You had an awesome clean streak, no need to feel disappointed. You're doing your best :)

 

[BandAddict]

First of all, congratulations on a year and a half clean. Please try to not beat yourself up for relapsing, you're only human and relapses unfortunately happen.

Part of my reason today was because last night I guess I did more damage than I thought, oops. I've also been feeling really, really bad. Need to punish myself somehow.

Thank you. And yeah, shit happens and we can't expect to be perfect, even if that's the standard we set for ourselves.

Also, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I think sometimes we tend to define ourselves with our emotions. I know I do. Like, "if I FEEL bad, then I must BE bad"

I hope that makes sense. And I hope you can show yourself some kindness. Shit is hard.

I second this. You had an awesome clean streak, no need to feel disappointed. You're doing your best :)

Thank you. I hope I didn't confuse anyone, it was only like 7-8 months. I really appreciate it though! I suppose it's better than nothing, huh.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Thank you. I hope I didn't confuse anyone, it was only like 7-8 months. I really appreciate it though! I suppose it's better than nothing, huh.

It was only 7 to 8 months. Still a great achievement, don't sell yourself short

 

[sourpink]

damn, 7 or 8 months? that's impressive.
and ok, so you relapsed/had a setback. that's a very common experience though it does tend to induce a lot of shitty feelings, so, sending support.
I've been engaging in sh behaviors most of my life, on and off, and switching up how I'd sh. often multiple ways ongoing simultaneously. and that's how it's been for me for a while now, so honestly - and I don't mean to trigger anyone or encourage anyone to live the way I do - I figure I'm already in up to my ears. I see little point in abstinence in my particular case.
as to the 'why' - that was initially your question, I suppose I got a bit sidetracked.
as for why I'm engaging in sh behaviors, it's a damn long winded tale. but in short, I'm not functional without a crutch. ... or several, all at once.
I'm not saying any of that to garner sympathy or pity. my life experiences have been vast and varied but with a running theme of negativity. it is what it is, and biased as I am, I think I see it for what it is.

 

[BandAddict]

damn, 7 or 8 months? that's impressive.
and ok, so you relapsed/had a setback. that's a very common experience though it does tend to induce a lot of shitty feelings, so, sending support.
I've been engaging in sh behaviors most of my life, on and off, and switching up how I'd sh. often multiple ways ongoing simultaneously. and that's how it's been for me for a while now, so honestly - and I don't mean to trigger anyone or encourage anyone to live the way I do - I figure I'm already in up to my ears. I see little point in abstinence in my particular case.
as to the 'why' - that was initially your question, I suppose I got a bit sidetracked.
as for why I'm engaging in sh behaviors, it's a damn long winded tale. but in short, I'm not functional without a crutch. ... or several, all at once.
I'm not saying any of that to garner sympathy or pity. my life experiences have been vast and varied but with a running theme of negativity. it is what it is, and biased as I am, I think I see it for what it is.

First of all, thank you for your support, and second, thank you for sharing! I can relate to a lot of what you said. It used to be something I did almost all day, everyday. Whether I was sad, angry, scared... Even when I felt "fine". It becomes almost automatic.

I totally get what you mean by not being functional without a crutch. The only reason I was actually able to kick blatant s/h was because I moved on to different behaviours that occupied my whole day and mind. Now that I'm trying to commit to recovering from that, I'm starting to fall back into my habits to cope with everything that comes with losing the other crutch.

Sorry if this was long, but I just wanted to say that I hear you. I honestly thought it was impossible for me to stop in the first place, but now I know why, I guess. Peace~

 

[sourpink]

First of all, thank you for your support, and second, thank you for sharing! I can relate to a lot of what you said. It used to be something I did almost all day, everyday. Whether I was sad, angry, scared... Even when I felt "fine". It becomes almost automatic.

I totally get what you mean by not being functional without a crutch. The only reason I was actually able to kick blatant s/h was because I moved on to different behaviours that occupied my whole day and mind. Now that I'm trying to commit to recovering from that, I'm starting to fall back into my habits to cope with everything that comes with losing the other crutch.

Sorry if this was long, but I just wanted to say that I hear you. I honestly thought it was impossible for me to stop in the first place, but now I know why, I guess. Peace~

all the this. I hear you too.
don't apologize for lengthy replies. imo, long winded answers are often more insightful/meaningful/etc. than something brief, though a short and sweet kinda reply can be equally validating.
I guess you're in good (?) company, lol.

 

[BandAddict]

Caved in. Spiralled into thoughts that started to make me very angry. I thought I was going to break something, so I thought I'd find release in something a bit quieter. I hate it when it gets really late. Something about it just feels so much further away from everything and I don't have the will to crawl out. Is it pride? Embarrassment? What the fuck?

 

[plough22]

I self harm by slapping myself hard many times on my face again this morning, it has intensified. Each morning I wake up and deep dark thoughts of a previous life and and what could have been invade, a life that I lost because of someone else lies/untruths. I can't handle this life anymore, I can't accept who/what I lost and what has been put upon me. It leads to me entering a bad place and the slapping helps. I feel more in control than out of control if that sounds weird. I miss the old me, I miss my old life. I don't know how to get back to even normal. Self harming is not right but it helps me at this juncture, well for last 3 years now. Never before that did it even enter my mind to self harm or even commit suicide but they're coming back but I'm clearer. Hopefully I get the impulse to end it and to do it right. All goes away.

 

[BandAddict]

I self harm by slapping myself hard many times on my face again this morning, it has intensified. Each morning I wake up and deep dark thoughts of a previous life and and what could have been invade, a life that I lost because of someone else lies/untruths. I can't handle this life anymore, I can't accept who/what I lost and what has been put upon me. It leads to me entering a bad place and the slapping helps. I feel more in control than out of control if that sounds weird. I miss the old me, I miss my old life. I don't know how to get back to even normal. Self harming is not right but it helps me at this juncture, well for last 3 years now. Never before that did it even enter my mind to self harm or even commit suicide but they're coming back but I'm clearer. Hopefully I get the impulse to end it and to do it right. All goes away.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this level of distress. Slapping is a pretty common impulse of mine as well, so you're not alone in that. I'm not really sure what else I can say, other than I hope you can find some peace somehow.

 

[sweetbraid]

I'm scared of what happens next. I know where I'll be in 20 or 30 years but not what happens tomorrow.
I was born into the wrong situation, the wrong body. I've never had a family. I was supposed to be great, to help many people. And I can't. Because those who should have loved me couldn't put themselves away for a moment to not hurt me.
My brain doesn't work. Everyone, *everyone* commends me on how articulate, intelligent, strong, etc etc I am for surviving how I have, for speaking so eloquently, for having such amazing ideas. And sure, fine, but they don't understand what's going on in my head and in my body and it doesn't seem to matter. I don't want them to experience these things if they don't have to, but they don't get it.
Nothing happens the way I need it to or want it to and I'm so frustrated, I don't want to rip all my things apart, so instead I try to rip myself apart.

 

[BandAddict]

I'm scared of what happens next. I know where I'll be in 20 or 30 years but not what happens tomorrow.
I was born into the wrong situation, the wrong body. I've never had a family. I was supposed to be great, to help many people. And I can't. Because those who should have loved me couldn't put themselves away for a moment to not hurt me.
My brain doesn't work. Everyone, *everyone* commends me on how articulate, intelligent, strong, etc etc I am for surviving how I have, for speaking so eloquently, for having such amazing ideas. And sure, fine, but they don't understand what's going on in my head and in my body and it doesn't seem to matter. I don't want them to experience these things if they don't have to, but they don't get it.
Nothing happens the way I need it to or want it to and I'm so frustrated, I don't want to rip all my things apart, so instead I try to rip myself apart.

It's horrible to feel trapped and alone inside your brain. What goes on is essentially invisible, and it's damn near impossible for people to understand. I'm sorry, I hope you can experience some relief.

 

[foreverlikethestars]

The urges start when I wake up every day, but my partner telling me she felt happy with where we're at gave me the chance to not cave in this time.

The urges start when I wake up every day, but my partner telling me she felt happy with where we're at gave me the chance to not cave in this time.

*read the header as didn't. my bad.

 

[BandAddict]

The urges start when I wake up every day, but my partner telling me she felt happy with where we're at gave me the chance to not cave in this time.

*read the header as didn't. my bad.

It's cool, I'm glad you were able to pull through!